Faelyne: Quick question Have you ever left a text sitting there so long that answering it now feels harder than the thing you were avoiding in the first place?

Stephanie: Or an umopened bill sitting on your desk for so long now it's just a spot to put your coffee mug?

Faelyne: Today we're talking about the ADHD avoidance loop and magical thinking. The the belief that if you don't look at it, it isn't real yet.

Stephanie: Spoiler, it's real. It's been real the whole time. We'll explain why your brain insists otherwise.

Faelyne: Show notes are linked below with everything we covered today. Okay, let's do this.

Stephanie: Let's do this. Welcome to the ADHD cringe lab, the only place on the internet where four hundred and thirty one unread texts count as scientific data.

Faelyne: Every week we take one cringy, chaotic, and completely relatable ADHD moment and we put it under the microscope.

Stephanie: We act it out, we break down the neuroscience behind it, and we give you actual tools to handle better the next time.

Faelyne: Because understanding why your brain does what it does, well, that's where the shame stops and the strategy starts.

Stephanie: I'm Stephanie and this is Faelyne We're two ADHD coaches collecting data in the field. I'm coming to you live from the US Research Wing.

Faelyne: And I'm joining you live from the Canadian Research Wing.

Stephanie: Two laps.

Faelyne: One mission and nobody stopped

Stephanie: Nobody stopped us.

Faelyne: us.

Stephanie: And keeping watch over the lab, as always, our chief cringe officer, the ADHD spaghetti bear.

Faelyne: So put on your safety goggles, grab your fidget wands.

Stephanie: For your cocktail shaker, because in this skit we are going back to college.

Faelyne: Yeah we are. So let's start the experiment. Today we are putting an ancient tenet on trial, the idea that if you don't look at something, it isn't real yet.

Stephanie: called ADHD, magical thinking, and it's not just believing in luck or superstition. It's the unopened email, the unanswered text, the expired driver's license, the grade you haven't checked.

Faelyne: And today Andi our ADHD er will be consulting a very unlikely but very prolific messenger. The wizard from whenever.

Stephanie: Because if anyone's gonna break the news that your dreams aren't dreams, it might as well be someone who reads the future for a living. But first we need to take a reading of the current cringe climate.

Faelyne: Every episode we take a quick reading of how ADHD Life is treating us this week and think of it as our pre-experiment data collection. And this week, Steph,

Stephanie: Mm.

Faelyne: have I got cringe for you? So bring

Stephanie: Mm, excited to hear it. I'm bringing Spaghetti Bear over for this.

Faelyne: spaghetti bear right over.

Stephanie: Uh-huh.

Faelyne: Okay, so recently I had a big and I am noticing spaghetti bear seems to have a wizard hat on. Is there something we should know about that?

Stephanie: It is. And did you notice his

Faelyne: we have a coffin with flashing lights. There is definitely some foreshadowing here. Chekhov's wizard hat. So I'm glad

Stephanie: Yes. Mm-hmm.

Faelyne: SB is here, ready to hear my cringe. So

Stephanie: No magical thinking in this reading. Let's hear it.

Faelyne: so much magical thinking to be honest. So I as you know, I've recently had a big environmental change in my life. I know enough about how my nervous system works to know that it's gonna take me some time to adjust and my energy and capacity will ebb and flow until I reach the new normal, the new equilibrium, so to speak. But just because I know what's going on neurologically does not mean that I escape the cringe. Steph. Let me tell you about this past weekend. So I was heading into town to do a quick day trip to visit some family. I live a couple hours outside the city. And I want to get my house in order and to prep for when I came back, knowing I'd be tired and cranky after traveling. So, you know, point to real-time Faelyne! Yay! Doomsday prepping for future Faelyne. So I'm feeling like really hot.

Stephanie: That's good part.

Faelyne: Thank you. That is the win, a win. And I was feeling really happy with myself. So Start to do the dishes.

Stephanie: Take the win.

Faelyne: I did. But then I realized that I wanted to get some veggies in the oven for a sheet pan dinner that I could put in containers before I left so I could reheat it when I got back. So more points, like more wins. I'm racking them up here for simple meals, right? Turned the oven on, got the veggies out, but then I realized I couldn't wash them because my sink was full of dishes. So went back to the sink to, you know, finish the dishes and then ran out of dish detergent. So Then I figure I just run out quickly to the neighborhood dollar store and I'm gonna pick up some detergents so I could finish the dishes so I could wash the veggies.

Stephanie: Okay, wait, so you left the house.

Faelyne: Yeah, I left the house. Yeah, no, no. I think you know where this story is going. Yeah. So on

Stephanie: Okay, that that is like fatal flaw number one. Yeah.

Faelyne: my way I also remembered that I had to get some diabetic friendly socks for my mom, who, as you know, has health challenges and doesn't often leave her house. Get to the dollar store and the first thing I see, it was like so exciting. They had opened up their Halloween decor. And Halloween, you may remember, it's my family's national holiday, okay? I love Halloween more than anything

Stephanie: Mm-hmm.

Faelyne: else. And the dollar store had these really cool battery-operated ravens whose heads turn almost 360 degrees and they cry, nevermore.

Stephanie: nice.

Faelyne: Nevermore. Right? What's not to love? Brilliant. Anyway

Stephanie: Yes, yes.

Faelyne: So I bought about two dozen because I could totally see them on

Stephanie: No.

Faelyne: my front lawn. You know how my front lawn is set up? and I have that huge tree and I could s right? Be terrifying, put

Stephanie: Scary. Mm-hmm.

Faelyne: them all in the tree in front of my house. Now, we're we're recording this end of August, so I'm thinking maybe it's too early to put them up. I'm thinking probably the best startle impact would be putting them up at dusk on Halloween, right? So I decided to put them in the garage. So of course, I was worried then I would forget that I bought them or and not use them or buy more if I put them away too well. I mean who hasn't put things away too well and only to find them ten years later and say, that's where they went. So, in order for me to put them in the garage, so more points for putting things away, I had to reorganize the stuff currently on the garage shelves, right? To make

Stephanie: Yeah, absolutely. Mm-hmm.

Faelyne: room for the ravens and a place that I could see them. So I had almost finished putting my two dozen new Nevermore Ravens on the shelf. I got a notification on my phone that my train was leaving in 15 minutes to go to the city. I'd totally forgotten about that darn family trip. Right, so I run back in the house and I find that Eddie, who is my Turkish Kangle, quite easily able to reach the counter, had swiped all of the vegetables off the counter. What he didn't eat, he tore to tiny pieces, put it across the kitchen, in the living room, on sofas and chairs,

Stephanie: my gosh.

Faelyne: like everywhere. Dishes still sitting in a sink full of cold water with no detergent. Oven had been on the whole time.

Stephanie: Wait, did you not even get the detergent?

Faelyne: Didn't even get the detergent stuff.

Stephanie: No no I didn't know that little

Faelyne: Or the diabetic socks. So I got ravens is what I got.

Stephanie: Mm. But the Ravens.

Faelyne: I got ravens. I'm so excited of the ravens. So I mean it's clear I was not gonna make the train. And

Stephanie: Yeah.

Faelyne: I just didn't have enough gas in the tank. Like Figuratively speaking, to get to the family event. I was just the the whole thing exhausted me. So I called the family to let them know I wasn't coming coming, which was like really upsetting. Cleaned up the mess that Eddie made Eddie made, which was exhausting, brewed a pot of tea, put on my PJs, went to bed, where I binge watched an entire series of British murder mysteries.

Stephanie: You're liked that that is self care, my friend, honestly. And I think the blame fully is on Eddie and the dollar store. I mean But honestly, good for you for like knowing your limits and not just like pushing through it anyway, just because you felt like you had to. But you know, who cares

Faelyne: You know, and thanks for that.

Stephanie: what I think?

Faelyne: So, spaghetti bear. So

Stephanie: Because spaghetti bear it, he only cares. Mm-hmm.

Faelyne: I'm not sure if if spaghetti bear were to rank my cringe. I have to say, one takeaway for me is realizing that when I'm under stress, my ADHD symptoms may be a bit more kind of in my face. And while I can put in place some guardrails to support me, sometimes the party train to Mazatlan is gonna go full speed ahead, baby. And when that happens,

Stephanie: Yeah.

Faelyne: the best thing for me to do is to take a deep breath and check in with Hercule Poirot and the other British sleuths. for a few hours because when the tank's empty, the tank's empty. And I think

Stephanie: Yeah.

Faelyne: that's that's the cringe.

Stephanie: And what is the the hyper focus fast party train? It's fun until it stops.

Faelyne: Till it comes to a sudden

Stephanie: Yeah.

Faelyne: stop. Yep. So that's the cringe I'm here for, my friend.

Stephanie: Well, thank you for entertaining us all and giving Spaghetti Bear something to do besides being fabulous.

Faelyne: Being fabulous is enough in and of itself.

Stephanie: Yeah, he's just gonna rank you for out of his kindness of his heart. So go ahead. Are you ready?

Faelyne: I'm ready, rank me.

Stephanie: Mm, wasn't expecting that. can't tell if he's being kind or he's, you know, trying to teach you a lesson. I don't know. No one knows.

Faelyne: Nobody knows. Nobody knows. so aside

Stephanie: Hmm. Well, thank you for sharing that.

Faelyne: So those readings we should probably get into the lab.

Stephanie: Your wizardness?

Faelyne: Andy, sit, sit. The the stars have been very chatty about you this week.

Stephanie: Good chatty or bad chatty?

Faelyne: Great beard of Neptune. There you are.

Stephanie: How long have you had me on scroll?

Faelyne: since March I keep excellent records.

Stephanie: is that your wand?

Faelyne: It's a pencil, Andy.

Stephanie: Well, it's clearly enchanted.

Faelyne: Yes. at Merlin's Dollar Store, around the corner I picked some up during the clearance, actually after Halloween.

Stephanie: You got your wand on a clearance sale?

Faelyne: Wisdom cannot be bought. But discount enchant enchantment paraphernalia absolutely can. Now hang on a second, let me Andy, hold this crystal and finish your finish your tea. I'll read the leaves. Drink up.

Stephanie: Hmm.

Faelyne: Thank you. Okay, perfect. Alright my dear. Tell me your dreams.

Stephanie: Okay, so I had this dream where I finally caught a perfect rare shiny Pokemon. I was so fulfilled. But then poof, I woke up and it was gone and I I was left feeling like I was missing something.

Faelyne: I've told you before, that won't fulfill you. That's more about luck than aspiration. Next.

Stephanie: Okay, well there's this other one. I dreamt that I tried every flavor of munchkin at the Dunkin' Donuts in one day.

Faelyne: That's what's giving you nightmares? Let me tell you, honey, that sounds more about what you ate before you went to bed and less about your spirit guides. Focus, Andy. Tune in. Listen to

Stephanie: Yeah.

Faelyne: what your subconscious self is trying to communicate. Dig deep. Tell me your dreams.

Stephanie: Okay, so the real, real ones. so I have this recurring dream that I show up for my class that I haven't been to all semester and we're taking an exam and I'm not prepared and I wake up in a full panic.

Faelyne: No, that's not a dream.

Stephanie: That isn't a dream? What?

Faelyne: No, mm it's not coming up in the dream column. I'm I'll look again.

Stephanie: It happened while I was asleep, so it has to be a dream.

Faelyne: where you experience something and where it belongs are actually two different filing systems. Next

Stephanie: Okay, well there is another one. I dream that I'm lying in bed and I can hear my landlord outside my door taping something to it and I'm three months behind on my rent and I can't move like it's probably sleep paralysis, right?

Faelyne: Nope, not a dream either.

Stephanie: But wizard of whenever, how can this be?

Faelyne: Listen, I'm just reading what the scroll log says.

Stephanie: Then what is it? If it's not a dream and it's not a nightmare.

Faelyne: puppet, it's Tuesday.

Stephanie: It's Tuesday.

Faelyne: Yeah, it's just Tuesday. All of them are. The rent, the class. Those aren't dreams. Those are truths hiding in open tabs that you just haven't let yourself look at. Not while you're awake, so your brain is doing it for you at three AM because somebody has to.

Stephanie: I would know if I failed my class.

Faelyne: you when's the last time you check the school portal?

Stephanie: Well, there's is a little red bubble on it.

Faelyne: And how long has the bubble been there?

Stephanie: That is between me and the little red bubble.

Faelyne: Andy.

Stephanie: Hmm.

Faelyne: Here's the truth, and I would like you to actually hear it. I think you know exactly what's happening in your life. And I think coming here every week, paying me, sitting in this chair, some part of you knows that an all-powerful wizard isn't gonna tell you anything that you don't already know. But it's easier to hear it from me and from yourself.

Stephanie: Why would it be easier?

Faelyne: Because I'm not scientific evidence. I'm the messenger. You can walk out of here and decide maybe I misread the cards. Maybe I cast the wrong spell, mis mixed up my potions. Maybe I was just off my wizarding game, as if that could happen. But you can't do that with a bank statement. So instead of an eye for an eye, my friend, you've been doing a lie for a lie. You tell yourself a small one and Then I hand you back a bigger, softer one that you actually enjoy. Nothing actually gets fixed.

Stephanie: That is extremely accurate and I hate it.

Faelyne: I know. I keep good records and I have a very good memory. Listen, for what it's worth, I'm not saying this because I think what I do is nonsense or because you're foolish to come here. People come to me for all sorts of very real reasons, but I'm not the right kind of help for what you need to do right now. Listen, I will read your tea leaves all day. But Andy, you're the one who has to read your email.

Stephanie: So you're firing me as a client?

Faelyne: I am referring you out, and there is a difference. listen, I'm gonna send you a text to an ADHD coach, a real one, credentialed. She works in the student accessibility and accommodations office at your school. I have sent people to her before. She's good. And her readings won't cost you a thing.

Stephanie: Okay, well what about next week? Do I still come in?

Faelyne: Yes. Next week we won't do a reading. We are gonna make a list. Rent, the portal, whatever else you haven't told me about yet. We're gonna go down it like it's data, because it is. A reading is sometimes merely a mirror with better lighting. And I can hold it up, but sunglasses or not, you still have to look.

Stephanie: Fair enough. Guess I'll see you next week. See you next week.

Faelyne: Look at you. Gross. Okay, lab coats back on. Let's talk about what just happened there.

Stephanie: Or Andi coming in for a reading and leaving with homework.

Faelyne: But real homework this time, not the kind she's been dreaming about.

Stephanie: There's a term for what Andi's brain was doing, and it's not just avoidance. Although researchers call this pattern expertial avoidance as well, this is called fight, flight, freeze, or fib. Researchers and ADHD coaches have identified a fourth stress response beyond the classic three, and it's exactly what it sounds like.

Faelyne: fibbing. But not as a character flaw. As a nervous system doing its job a little too well.

Stephanie: When the brain registers something as a threat, it doesn't always fight or run. And to an ADHD brain disappointing someone, failing at something, facing a consequence, all of those count as threats. So sometimes the brain protects you in a different way. It hands you a story instead. A softer version of events, one you can actually survive hearing.

Faelyne: And here's the part that makes Andy's whole psychic visit make sense. That protective fib doesn't just go outward to other people. Sometimes, many times, you fib to yourself. That's what a dream is in this episode. That's Andy's brain handing her the version of the truth that she can survive at 3 a.m. so she doesn't have to carry the real one at 3 p.m.

Stephanie: She's paying someone else to hand her back what she wanted to hear, so it feels like proof instead of denial.

Faelyne: Exactly. And that's the trap. The avoidance loop. A real threat, the rent, the class, whatever, that doesn't go away because you told yourself or somebody else a gentler story about it. It keeps compounding while you're not looking. That's the whole irony of magical thinking. It feels like protection, but it's actually delay with interest.

Stephanie: So if you've ever avoided opening an envelope because some part of you already knew what was inside, that's not laziness or irresponsibility. That's the brain's threat response system doing exactly what it evolved to do. It's just protecting you from the wrong thing. Okay, so that's the science. Let's put the clipboards down and just sit with this for a second.

Faelyne: Yeah, because knowing why your brain does this doesn't always make it feel less lonely in the moment.

Stephanie: So before the protocols, let's take a pause. And welcome to the validation station where science takes a seat and humanity has her moment.

Faelyne: If a phone alert sends you into full text anxiety, if you've got four hundred and fifty-one texts left unread that you still haven't answered, if you're avoiding Urian box because the last time you checked, you had twelve thousand seven hundred and thirty-eight unread emails staring back at you. I need you to hear this. There is nothing weak about that. This is your brain responding to threats that it doesn't have a plan for.

Stephanie: You're not making things up. You're not in denial for the fun of it. Your brain took, I might have failed my biology test, and the house is on fire because I left the cauldron unattended, and classified them as both DEF CON 1 emergencies. Not because you're not strong, not because you're not capable. Your threat system just throws everything in the same pile.

Faelyne: And maybe, like Andy, you've gone somewhere else to find a watered down version of the truth. Tea leaves, advice from strangers online, a friend who will tell you what you want to hear, an app that you don't actually check. There's no shame in that either. You're not trying to deceive anyone. Your body called it an emergency and you responded accordingly.

Stephanie: And here's the good news hiding inside all of this. The thing you're avoiding is almost always smaller than the dread of it.

Faelyne: You don't need a better fortune teller. You need one honest look and someone in your corner when you take it.

Stephanie: Okay, lab coat, stay on for this part. Let's talk about what actually helps. Protocol one, break the spell. The moment you catch yourself waving your wand over the truth instead of just looking at it, stop and say so plainly to yourself. Not the whole truth yet, just the pattern. I'm doing the thing where I'd rather not know. Catching the spell, mid-cast. Catching the spell midcast is what breaks it before it can fully take hold.

Faelyne: Love that. Let's move

Stephanie: Mm, thank you.

Faelyne: on to protocol two. Take a peek at the dragon. Pick the single most avoided item. Let's say the email or the envelope, the academic portal. Take a little peek at that dragon. Turn the hourglass over and give it two minutes. You don't have to have a plan. Don't have to have a solution. Just look. Tell your brain, it can do anything for two tiny little minutes. Simply starting is often the hardest part.

Stephanie: And protocol three, call a real messenger. Replace the vague, unaccountable source of comfort, the horoscope, the reassurance phishing text, the app you never open. Replace it with one real person who deals in facts and is actually in your corner. A coach, a friend who will tell you the truth kindly. Someone who holds up the looking glass with you so you're not the only one standing at the edge of the rabbit hole.

Faelyne: Oof. And not the fun kind of rabbit hole either. Okay. It is cringe mailbag time, folks, and let me tell you, this one made us both gasp a little when it came in. She calls herself Ashley from Laredo, but we affectionately call her Missoponia Mamasita.

Stephanie: Ashley writes, Hello, cringe lab. I had to write in after watching the episode on hypersensitivity. I am so relieved that I am not the only one who hears certain sounds like they're being broadcasted over a loudspeaker. So here's my cringe-worthy confession. I left my own baby shower because the balloon arch was making a squeaking sound that apparently only I could hear. That sound made me want to pop every balloon. And run out of the room screaming. Since neither of those were an option, I told everyone I had a migraine and left the party.

Faelyne: A balloon arch at a baby shower, at your own baby shower. Ma'am

Stephanie: We felt that one in our teeth. And that's exactly what the cringe fession form is. The thing you never told anyone, tell us, because we're positive you are not the only one.

Faelyne: So true. Maybe it's a sound. Maybe it's a tag. Maybe after today, it's an envelope that you have not opened.

Stephanie: Well, send it to us. Maybe not the actual envelope. Send us we could do that too, but send us the cringe. We want to dissect it, find the ADHD when hiding inside of it, and prove to you that you are not the only one.

Faelyne: So if you've got a cringe cringe fession to share with us, email us at the adhd spaghettibear.com or click the link in the description for our cringe fession form. Stay anonymous if the cringe is still that fresh.

Stephanie: Your story could be our next lab experiment. No judgment.

Faelyne: Only science.

Stephanie: Science.

Faelyne: Experiment concluded, magical thinking is real and it's a real threat response. If you've been avoiding something, some part of you already knew what was inside. Well, listen, it was never laziness.

Stephanie: That was your brain following a biology exam and a literal house fire in the same exact folder and doing its best to protect you from both.

Faelyne: Yeah. And now you have three protocols. Protocol one break the spell. Everybody wands up. The second

Stephanie: Yeah.

Faelyne: you catch yourself waving your wand over the truth instead of just looking at it, stop. And say so plainly but kindly to yourself.

Stephanie: Protocol two, peek at the dragon. Turn the hourglass over. I was waiting for the prop. Turn the hourglass over, give it two minutes, tell your brain it can do anything for two minutes. Simply starting is often the hardest part.

Faelyne: And protocol three, call a real messenger. Trade the whole horoscope, the reassurance phishing text, the app that you never check, the origami fortune teller paper thing.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Faelyne: Trade it all for one real person who deals in facts and is in your corner.

Stephanie: Someone who will hold up the looking glass with you, so you are not the only one standing at the edge of a Alice in Wonderland rabbit hole.

Faelyne: You know how that turned out for Alice...

Stephanie: No but she got back, right?

Faelyne: Little worse for wear.

Stephanie: Yeah, exactly. Okay. So

Faelyne: Until next time, keep experimenting!

Stephanie: And try not to die of embarrassment.

Faelyne: Die of embarrassment. So