Faelyne: Quick question before we start. Do you eat the same thing for lunch every day and then genuinely cannot imagine why you would ever do anything else? Stephanie: Or have you ever agreed to go to a restaurant and then quietly spent twenty minutes on their website hoping, just hoping that your thing is on the menu? Faelyne: Well, today's episode is for you. Stephanie: We are putting the ADHD hyperfixation meal under the microscope, the science behind it, the cringe inside of it, and three protocols to help you navigate it better the next time. Faelyne: And also there are some very well travelled goats involved. Stephanie: There are okay, let's go. Faelyne: Welcome to the ADHD cringe lab, the only place in the worldwide webosphere where your most embarrassing moments, like the one I just did, are considered valuable scientific data. Stephanie: Okay, I've seen a lot worse from you, but anyway, every week we take one cringy, chaotic, completely relatable ADHD moment and we put it under the microscope. Faelyne: We act it out, we break down the neuroscience behind it, and we give you actual tools to handle it better next time. Stephanie: Because understanding why your brain does what it does, that's where the shame stops and the strategy starts. Faelyne: We are Stephanie and Failen, two ADHD coaches who happen to be living specimens. Stephanie: Deep in the data. Faelyne: I'm coming to you live from the Canadian Research Wing. Stephanie: And I'm joining from the US of A research wing. Faelyne: Two labs. Stephanie: One mission. Faelyne: Open borders equal cringe. Stephanie: And a vague idea what time it is. And Faelyne: And we haven't been stopped. Stephanie: Stopped. Nice. Okay. Keeping watch over the lab as always. Faelyne: Our chief cringe officer, the ADHD spaghetti bear. Stephanie: Well, let's start the experiment. Faelyne: Let's do that. Stephanie: Mm, okay. He says yes. Faelyne: Excellent. But first, let's take a reading of the current cringe climate. Every episode, we either take a quick reading of how ADHD life is treating us, or we reach into the cringe mailbag for a cringe fashion from the community. Think of it as our pre-experiment data collection. Stephanie: And this week we have reached into the cringe mailbag and I have pulled out something from Ashley from Kokomo, Indiana. She calls herself Ashley, but we're calling her Standing Ovation. From Ashley. So last spring my daughter's school held their end-of-year volunteer appreciation event and I attended because I am a good mother and also because I had already told three people I was going and there was no graceful exit. I spent the two hours performing friendly engaged parent so convincingly that I won the most enthusiastic volunteer award. They gave me a certificate with my name on it. In a frame. I smiled so big. accepting that certificate that my face actually hurt on the drive home. Then I sat in the driveway for twenty minutes before I would go inside because I had nothing left. My husband opened the door to check on me and I just held up the certificate through the windshield and he nodded. He knew. That frame certificate is on the mantle because my daughter is proud of me and I do not have the heart to take it down. It is a monument to the performance of a lifetime. I look at it every day and it looks back. Faelyne: Yeah it does. Yeah it does standing ovation. Stephanie: Mm. Faelyne: But well done. You're giving it the old eyeball there. why don't we see what Spaghetti Bear's cringeometer will have to say about Ashley's cringe story? Stephanie: 'Cause we have an opinion, but he has the facts. Faelyne: He has the facts. Alright, so let me just cue up the cringometer right now. And spaghetti bear, let's make that cringometer spin. Though I know it's not really spin, and measure the cringe. Let's see. Stephanie: It's doing something sciencey. Faelyne: It is doing very sciencey. Look at that. Second hand embarrassment. So that's not terrible. That's like 30% cringe. Ashley, Stephanie: Mm. Faelyne: not super cringy at all. You did good. Stephanie: Yeah, and your husband has a second hand embarrassment. You just have the certificate on the mantle. Faelyne: Absolutely. Well, the readings do indicate it's probably time that we get into the lab. Stephanie: Yeah. Okay, I'm so glad we finally did this. We needed this. How are you? You look amazing. Faelyne: Thank you. I'm great, actually. I'm great. also can I say how hard I fought for this reservation? Like three weeks on the wait list and I used every in Stephanie: I know, I know. Thank you so much. And I'm here, fully present, fully here. Faelyne: You did cancel last time. Stephanie: I did. I did cancel last time. Again, I am so sorry. That was just a a whole thing, but I'm here now. Faelyne: Well, there's your menu. I already know what I want. I've had some time to to look at it. Stephanie: well, I'm sorry about that. Parking was tight, but I I I'm good with the menu. Faelyne: You just sat down. Stephanie: True. But I already know what I'm ordering. Faelyne: Jordan, we have never been here. Stephanie: Seriously, it's okay, I know what I want. Faelyne: Okay, what do you want? Stephanie: Mac and cheese. Faelyne: I am not sure that they have Mac and Stephanie: Every restaurant has mac and cheese. Faelyne: This is a farm-to-table Mediterranean Texacon Fusion Cantina restaurant, Jordan. Stephanie: I'm sure they'll have it. Faelyne: Yeah, doing just great. Thanks. How how are you? no no, we don't need to hear today's special. I think we both know what we're having. I am going to have the lamb saffron burrito with the deconstructed roasted cauliflower risotto, please. Stephanie: do you have mac and cheese? Hmm, feta crafted from Greek goats with US visas, visitor visas, and queso fresco from goats still south of the border. Huh. And you said topped with Moroccan organic corn tortilla equilateral triangles, spritzed with French Canadian truffle oil. Mmm, perfect. I I'll have that. Thank you. Faelyne: But it sounds amazing though, right? Like so elevated and intentional. Stephanie: Mm-hmm. Faelyne: amazing though, I mean cosmopolitan, cosmopolitan goats, equilateral triangles, French truffle oil, that's some fancy mac and cheese. Stephanie: Canadian French and yes, it sure is. Faelyne: It sounds incredible. Stephanie: Yeah, so incredible. Faelyne: Okay. Well, why don't you tell me what you've been up to? Stephanie: Thank you. Faelyne: Thank you. Yeah. how is it? Stephanie: It's it's it's really good. It it's beautifully made. The the texture is a bit different. Faelyne: What? Stephanie: the the texture. It's very it's got the tortilla chips, which is good and that's great. but the sauce is is is kind of s saucy, like a grown up sauce. Faelyne: Sure, mm-hmm. Stephanie: It's not orange. Faelyne: The mac and cheese. Stephanie: From the box. My mac and cheese is from the box. The the orange kind, the powdered cheese. I've eaten it for lunch 11 days in a row. I thought if I ordered it here, it would be close enough. But this has truffle oil in it. Mel, French Canadian truffle oil. And I don't even know what that means. The noodles are a twisty shape, but I like the tubes. The whole thing is just I know it's really good and super fancy, but I j I just I just can't. Faelyne: Eleven days? Stephanie: Fourteen if you count the weekends separately. Faelyne: Okay, so you don't want it. do you wanna send it back and maybe order something else? Stephanie: excuse me, can I just get this to go to go box? Whenever you have time. I'm I'm sorry to bother you. Just whenever you have time. Thank you. I'm sleeping right here. Thank you. Faelyne: You're boxing it up now? Stephanie: I'm gonna take it home. Faelyne: To eat later. Stephanie: Probably not. Faelyne: Short and Stephanie: I'll give it to someone. It's a beautiful dish. Someone should enjoy it. You take it. Please. I am just I'm just not hungry. Faelyne: You're not hungry at the restaurant that I spent three weeks getting a reservation for. Stephanie: I'm sorry, I really am. The ambiance is incredible and you look beautiful and I'm so happy to be here with you. Wow, I don't even think I realized it till right now. I I've been doing a thing. Faelyne: Tem? Stephanie: With food. An ADHD thing, actually. Faelyne: ADHD okay. How how so? Stephanie: So you know how sometimes my brain just locks onto something and then I do a lot of it and nothing else? Hyper focused kind of, but for mac and cheese. Faelyne: I'm not really following you. Stephanie: It's called hyperfixation, and it's a real ADHD symptom. It's when your brain finds one true thing that feels right, feels safe and easy and predictable, and it just wants that thing every day for weeks. And the idea of eating anything else right now feels genuinely hard. Like decision hard, overwhelmingly hard. And I think that's partly why I canceled our last lunch reservation too, because I was scared there wouldn't be mac and cheese on the menu. Faelyne: So let me get this right. You've had ADHD this whole time. Stephanie: Yeah. I I was diagnosed a few years ago but I've had it forever. Faelyne: We've been friends since college. Stephanie: I know. Faelyne: Like, since freshman orientation, since the disastrous roommate situation. Stephanie: Yeah, the Vetsy from Biloxi situation, yes. Faelyne: So ADHD the whole time? Stephanie: The whole time. Faelyne: Huh, okay. Okay. So that time when we were sophomores and you showed up to Professor Dodson's final but for the wrong class, and then you just sat there and took the exam with the seniors because you were too embarrassed to get up and leave? Stephanie: Yes. Faelyne: Because you'd studied so hard and you were so prepared and you walked in with all your notes, all those index cards that you made. Stephanie: Yep. For advanced micro macroeconomics theory, yes, and my class was intro to econg. Yes, I did. Faelyne: That was the ADHD. Stephanie: One hundred percent the ADHD. Faelyne: and how about the time you spent four hours reorganizing your entire dorm room instead of writing your English paper and then fell asleep on the floor? Remember you were surrounded by the contents for every drawer that you just dumped out into the middle of the floor? I remember I found you using a stack of old papers as a pillow. Stephanie: Yeah, I really believed I could write the paper better if my room was organized and and I had a system. Faelyne: So did the system involve pulling everything off the shelves and then dumping it onto your bed? Stephanie: Yes, and that is why I was sleeping on the floor. Mhm. Faelyne: Okay, that was also the ADHD. Stephanie: very, very much the ADHD. Faelyne: Okay, and the spring break party train to Mazatlan? Stephanie: Oof, I wish I could blame that on the ADHD. That was just us being our college selves, the two of us making extremely confident choices, and as I recall, you were a very willing participant. Faelyne: Guilty as charged. I really Stephanie: Mm. Faelyne: did think we could actually win that contest. Stephanie: Right? You entered us within four minutes of me showing you that poster. Faelyne: I had no hesitation. Stephanie: None zero seconds of hesitation from either of us. Faelyne: Mm-hmm. Ugh, but you know what? I just wish I would have known. Like not to fix it, but just to have known Jordan, you're one of my best friends. Stephanie: I know. Faelyne: And if I knew, like I would have I would have asked you before I chose this restaurant or sent you the menu or something, like I'm sorry, I feel like a horrible friend for not noticing how hard some things have been. Stephanie: No, no, don't apologize. I never said anything. I think I'm still trying to figure out how to ask for what I need. I it's a whole thing, but I'm working on it, and I'm so grateful to finally be able to talk to you about it. Faelyne: Okay. And for the record, on the way home, I am stopping at the grocery store and picking up a box of mac and cheese, that the one that you like, and a bottle of wine. We can make it together and reminisce about the glory days. Stephanie: I would love that. You don't have to. I really appreciate the gesture. Faelyne: I know, but I really want to. Besides, I'm looking forward to having this magical macaroni and cheese that I'm pretty sure only you and grade schoolers eat. Stephanie: It has to be the blue box though. Faelyne: Obviously. Okay, let's let's get our lab coats back on over here. Stephanie: Okay, for the record, Faelyne: Maybe. Stephanie: I am sure that mac and cheese with feta crafted from Greek goats with US visa visitor visas, queso fresco from goats south of the border, topped with Moroccan organic corn tortilla, equilateral triangle spritz with Canadian French truffle oil was a perfectly lovely dish that deserved way better than this. Or at least deserved better than being compared to the blue box mac and cheese. Faelyne: And I don't even know if there is French-Canadian truffle oil, but I will say that certainly was the cheesiest. Stephanie: Well what Jordan was experiencing, the blue box mac and cheese rotation, eating the same thing every day for weeks on end and the struggle to deviate from them, that is a real and very common ADHD experience. It's called hyperfixation. And when it attaches itself to a certain food, that food becomes a what a lot of people in the ADHD community call a safe food. Faelyne: And the word safe here is doing a lot of work because it really does function as a kind of safety. The ADHD brain is constantly managing an enormous amount of noise. We got decisions, stimulation, competing priorities. Every single choice costs energy. And food choices are deceptively draining because they happen multiple times every day. And in the shopping and you put the meal prep on top of that, the planning, and if your meds decrease your appetite, there's also the timing of when you actually feel like eating. Stephanie: I'm just gonna say right now that I need to get like a snap coat velcro lab coat, because that was way too much. So sorry for distracting you. But anyway, so when the brain finds something that checks all the boxes, tastes good, familiar, requires zero decision making, it locks on. And for many ADHD brains, part of what makes a food feel safe is also the sensory experience, the texture, the temperature, the exact flavor profile, what it likes to eat, not just what it is. Can I say that the blue box mac and cheese has a flavor profile? Faelyne: It certainly has a something. Stephanie: No Faelyne: And am I seeing a blue box snuggled up against spaghetti bear there? Stephanie: that's his Faelyne: Sure it is. Sure Stephanie: I'm gonna make it later. Faelyne: it is. Well, Stephanie: Here. Faelyne: Back to our eaters today, which is exactly why the Truffle Goat Cheese Mediterranean Texacan Fusion Mac, despite being genuinely delicious by fancy culinary standards, it was never, ever, ever gonna work for Jordan. It looked different, it smelled different. The pasta was a different shape. The sauce had a real creamy international goat cheese texture instead of that smooth, shimmery, almost liquid powdered cheese coating. Jordan's had a very specific sensory blueprint of what it wanted. And this knockoff mac and cheese did not cut it. I Stephanie: Don't do not say it. Seriously. That sensory precision is important to understand because it's not pickiness. There's restraint, I'm impressed. The ADHD brain often has heightened sensory processing, meaning textures, temperatures, and taste register more intensely than they do for a lot of neurotypical people. So the difference between the right mac and cheese and a technically better mac and cheese can feel truly significant. It's not being difficult, it's a real neurological experience. Faelyne: Mm. And it's in fact a neurological culinary experience. Should I trademark that? Okay. Stephanie: Hmm, asked. Faelyne: Alas, pay any better. Okay, and then there's the decision fatigue piece. One of Stephanie: Mm. Faelyne: the reasons that hyperfixation meals become so entrenched is because they eliminate an entire category of daily decision making. What am I eating? Doesn't matter. Mac and cheese. Check. Now the mental energy gets to go someplace else. Now, for an ADHD brain that's already working overtime on so many other things, that is an enormous relief and a big win. Stephanie: Which is also why the idea of going to a new restaurant can feel so loaded. It's not the restaurant, it's the menu. It's the unknown. It's the possibility that thing you might need may not be there. And you won't know until you're already sitting down and it's too late to leave gracefully. Faelyne: Which, as it turns out, is exactly why Jordan had cancelled the first reservation. Stephanie: Because of course she did. Faelyne: So if you are sitting there right now eating the same dinner that you've had for fourteen days in a row, maybe eleven if we don't count the weekends. Stephanie: We see you. We dine at your table. And before we get to the protocols, we want to sit with something for a moment. Faelyne: Because the science is one thing, but that weird guilt that comes with this particular one, the embarrassment of being a grown adult who is deeply attached to a box of powdered cheese, well, that needs its own moment. Stephanie: Welcome to the Validation Station. And before we move on to the second course, the prescription, let's pause here for a second. Faelyne: Because if you saw yourself in that skit, you're not a picky eater, you're not childish, you're not a weirdo, a foodie freak, or missing the rational food gene. Stephanie: Your brain found something that works, something that makes your life a little easier, something that costs nothing. Something that is particularly and exactly what you need it to be every single time. Your brain held on to that thing because that's what ADHD brains do when they find something that works. Faelyne: And if you've ever had to sit at a table in a quiet state of sheer panic because the menu doesn't have that thing, or you felt embarrassed ordering the simplest item at a nice restaurant, or cancel plans because the food uncertainty felt like a bit too much. We want you to hear this. That is a completely real experience and it makes complete sense. You are not being too much or too difficult. Stephanie: You are managing a sensory and executive function load that most people cannot see. The hyperfixation meal rotation is a coping strategy. It's not a flaw, it's a strategy. Faelyne: And the moment of honesty that Jordan had with Mel, that took courage. And Mel's response, wanting to understand, thinking back, showing up with the right box of mac and cheese and the bottle of wine, that's what Stephanie: Mm. Faelyne: it looks like when someone really sees you. Stephanie: And you deserve people in your life who want to see you. And you also deserve to be able to ask for what you want at a restaurant or anywhere else without shame, without cringe, but that's the cringe. Faelyne: That's the cringe we're here for. Stephanie: Alright. Okay, lab coats are solidly back on. I think mine is it's little bit like nineteen eighties collar flipped up here, but okay, we witnessed the cringe, we explained the science, now let's talk about what to actually do about it. Faelyne: Three protocols tested in the field largely on moi and my extremely patient relationship with Rotini. Stephanie: Protocol one, scout the menu before you go. This sounds simple, and it is, but it's also a game changer. If you're not doing it, start, most restaurants post their menus online. Before any outing involving food, spend five minutes on your phone checking whether your current safe food or something close enough to it is on the menu. If it's not, you have options. Suggest a different place, eat something small before you go, or identify ahead of time what the least overwhelming alternative is. The goal is to never be surprised by the menu when you're already seated at the table and the social pressure is right there beside you in that clip-on high chair seat. Right there on the table. Faelyne: Hey, you know what? Spaghetti bear needs one of those. Stephanie: Yeah. What do we want him that clo Do we want him right there? Uh-huh. Faelyne: Maybe we need some distance. So and if you're going somewhere where the menu is fixed or unknown, or it's someone's special occasion, like a wedding, and you don't get to choose, it's actually okay to eat a little something before. You are allowed to not be hungry at a dinner out. No explanation is required. Stephanie: Another benefit to scoping out the menu beforehand is you're also checking out the restaurant. If you struggle with anxiety and social new location situations, knowing your destination a bit more can really help. Faelyne: Yeah, you can locate the nearest exits and find the bar. Stephanie: Protocol two, name yourself food. Let the people who eat with you often know what is on your always eat list. You don't have to disclose your diagnosis. You don't have to explain the whole neuroscience. You can simply say, I'm a creature of habit with food. Or I have some texture hangups that make certain tissues ick for me. That's it. That's all anyone needs. Most people once they know will just quietly check the menu for you or suggest places they know will work. People want to include you, they want to help, so give them a small way to do that. Faelyne: And we actually have an upcoming episode entirely devoted to ADHD and the disclosure dilemma. What it is, when it helps, how to do it, what to do when it doesn't go the way you hoped. So if that's something you're thinking about, it's coming. Stay with us. Stephanie: Protocol 3. Have a bridged food ready. A bridged food is something that is easy to eat and easy to carry. And close enough to your current safe food that it can get you through a meal where your current safe food isn't an option. It's not a replacement, it's a just-in-case. Keep it in your bag, in your car, in your desk drawer. Cheesecrackers, sandwiches for box mac and cheese. It's an easy strategy and it means you won't have to choose between going somewhere and going hungry. Faelyne: Mm-hmm, I love that. And shout out to Mel. Her instinct to just show up with the right box of mac and cheese, that is a protocol too. If you love someone with ADHD and you know they're safe food, sometimes the kindest possible thing is simply that. All right, it is time to open the lab doors to you. We know you've got a story. You know, the one you think about every time someone at a dinner table says, They're not gonna try any of that? Stephanie: Maybe you brought your own separate container of food to a wedding. Maybe you spent 20 minutes on a restaurant website spiraling down the rabbit hole of reviews, convincing yourself they just might have your thing before you agreed to go. Maybe you've eaten the same breakfast every single morning for three years, and you're not even a little sorry about it. Faelyne: Whatever the cringe, don't groundhog day it at 3 AM. Send it to us. We want to dissect it, find the ADHD win inside it, and most importantly, prove to you that you're absolutely not the only one. Stephanie: And we're opening the lab doors and we want you in here with us, sitting at the cool kids table and not hangry. Faelyne: You can email us at the adhd spaghetti bear at gmail.com or click the link in the description to fill out our cringe fashion form. You can even stay anonymous if the cringe is just that cringy. Stephanie: Your disaster could be our next lab experiment. So help us out. Help us all out. We are living in this lab together, my friends. Faelyne: No judgment. Stephanie: Only science. Experiment concluded, hyperfixation meals are real and they are neurological, and eating the same thing for 14 days in a row does not make you a child. It makes you someone whose brain found a very efficient solution to a very real problem. Faelyne: Eleven days, if you're not counting weekends, yeah your brain is Stephanie: True. Faelyne: not broken. It just knows what it likes and Stephanie: Mm-hmm. Faelyne: is very committed to that position. And you now have three protocols to help you navigate the eating with others world. Protocol one, review the menu, check out the restaurant, make a plan. Stephanie: Protocol two, name your safe food and tell someone safe about your current, it's complicated, relationship with it. Share as many or as few details as you want. It's your choice and it's your life. Faelyne: Protocol three, have your bridge food ready. Pick something close enough to your safe food to get you through a meal. Go forth with your safe food in your corner and a bridge food in your bag. Stephanie: And maybe if you're lucky, a friend will show up with the blue box. Faelyne: And a bottle of wine. But it Stephanie: Yes. Faelyne: has to be the blue box. Stephanie: Not a sponsor. Until next time, keep experimenting and try not to Die of embarrassment. Faelyne: Die of embarrassment. Yeah, you know what? We keep Stephanie: I'm gonna get you on this. Faelyne: we keep getting better at that. We keep getting better at that.