Faelyne: Quick question: Have you ever been in a conversation and said, yeah, but and meant it completely innocently, but then watched the other person's face do something you couldn't quite read? Stephanie: Not an argument, not a fight, just a small, almost invisible shift. Like a door that was open a second ago is now mostly closed. Faelyne: And you don't know what happened because from inside your head you were just talking, contributing, connecting. Stephanie: Being interesting. Faelyne: Being very interesting, being very engaged, being a great conversationalist, actually. Stephanie: Well today we are putting ADHD arguing under the microscope. Not the blowout, not the dramatic confrontation, the quieter kind, the yeah, but kind. The kind where you are trying to connect and somehow keep winning arguments that nobody else knew they were even having. Faelyne: And why the ADHD brain gets locked into a position and can't release it, even when the stakes are objectively zero. And why redirecting stories back to yourself can feel like relating, but it reads as not listening. And what it costs you in relationships before you even realize it's happening. Stephanie: Because the yeah, but isn't mean. It isn't intentional, it is neurological and it has a name. Faelyne: And Dakota has a smoothie. Stephanie: Dakota has a smoothie and a new friend, and a gym bag full of Yeah, but Faelyne: And as a reminder, before we head into the lab, everything we covered today, the science, the strategies, all of it lives in the show notes. No writing required. Just listen. Stephanie: And maybe think of someone you love or someone you are. Faelyne: Listen and cringe, my friends. Hey, let's get into the lab. Stephanie: The data does not collect itself. So welcome to the ADHD cringe lab, the only place in the worldwide Webatron where your most embarrassing moments are considered valuable scientific data. Faelyne: Every week we take one cringy, chaotic, and completely relatable ADHD moment and we put it under the microscope. Stephanie: We act it out, we break down the neuroscience behind it, and we give you actual tools to handle it better the next time. Faelyne: Because understanding why your brain does what it does, well, that's where the shame stops and the strategy starts. Stephanie: I'm Stephanie and this is Faelyne We're two ADHD coaches collecting cringe data inside and outside of the lab. Faelyne: Our labs are or our lives are just one big ADHD scientific experiment. Stephanie: I'm coming to you live from the US Research Wing. Faelyne: And I'm joining from the Canadian Research Wing. Stephanie: Two labs. Faelyne: One mission. Stephanie: Open borders and equal cringe. Faelyne: And absolutely no idea what time it actually is. Stephanie: And nobody has stopped us. Faelyne: Nobody stopped us. Stephanie: And keeping watch over the lab, as always. Faelyne: our chief cringe officer, the ADHD spaghetti bear. Stephanie: Yes, he's looking mighty buff and thoughtful today. Faelyne: and potentially a bit thirsty? Is that a smoothie? Stephanie: It it is. Faelyne: Well, he has opinions. Stephanie: Yeah, but he has a lot of Faelyne: Yeah, but he has many, many opinions. Stephanie: Yeah, but maybe we should stop yeah-butting and get started. Faelyne: Yeah, but I agree with you. Stephanie: Yeah, but what is he drinking? Don't you want to know? Faelyne: I do, what is he drinking? Stephanie: It's called If You Know, You Know. Faelyne: The what? Stephanie: It's off menu. Okay, so put on your safety vest, grab your fidget spinners. Faelyne: And grab your rubber chicken if you are so inclined. Stephanie: If you're still choosing that. And let's start the experiment. Faelyne: S start the experiment. Stephanie: All right. Today's experiment is the second in our BAIL communication series, B-A-I-L. Last episode we looked at the B as in BLURT, the sincere, well-intentioned, completely unedited broadcast. Today we are staying with communication, but moving into something sneakier. Faelyne: The A as an arguing. Now, this argument doesn't announce itself as an argument. The debating that doesn't really add to the conversation, and it's not really about anything. Stephanie: There's one smoothie place, two new friends, and a phrase that's so small and so automatic that the other person doesn't even hear it anymore. Faelyne: Yeah, but Stephanie: Yeah, but what? Faelyne: Yeah, but you're just repeating me. Stephanie: What? today's experiment may cause secondhand cringe, mild sympathetic embarrassment, and the sudden urge to review every conversation you had this week. Faelyne: Side effects are expected. Let's start Stephanie: Let's start the Faelyne: the experiment. Stephanie: Yeah, but first we need to take a reading of the current cringe climate. Faelyne: Every episode we either take a quick reading of how ADHD Life is treating us or we reach into the cringe mailbag for a cringe fashion from the community. Think of it as our pre-experiment data collection. Stephanie: Yes, and this week I am reaching into the cringe mailbag and reading a submission here. Okay. They call themselves Chris from Kingsport, Tennessee. And we call them with cringe survivor respect Locked On LinkedIn. This is what Chris says. I was on a first date. It was going great. He asked me what I do to relax. And I said, honestly, I just hyperfixate on random things till 3 AM. He asked what I was hyper fixating on currently. I said, your LinkedIn. There was a long pause. He paid the bill, and I have not been on a date since. Faelyne: Wa wah. Sorry, Chris. I think we need to hand that over immediately to Spaghetti Bear to see the readings on that. Let me Stephanie: Yeah. Yeah. Faelyne: let me pull up the Cringe-o-meter Okay. So, Stephanie: Yeah, we're ready. Faelyne: Chris, we feel ya. Let's let's see what Spaghetti Bear's cringometer has to say about locked on LinkedIn. Let's see, it's analyzing, it's analyzing. Noticeably cringy. Stephanie: Mm-hmm. I would have to agree. Faelyne: Noticeably cringy. I would also agree. Well thank you, Spaghetti Bear. Always appreciate your wisdom. And Chris. And and yes, and also Chris. Stephanie: And thank you, Chris. you know what? Even to be evaluated by spaghetti bear is an honor, even if it's a bad reading. So you know, it's a win win. Okay. Well. Faelyne: It's an honor. It's an honor. Mm-hmm. And ratings are elevated, so I think it's time we head into the lab. Stephanie: Let's Okay, I have to say, I walk past this place every single time and I never come in. I don't know why. Faelyne: Yeah, but it's right there. Like it's attached to the building. Stephanie: I know, I think I just always feel like I have to go straight home after. Faelyne: Yeah, but that's the thing about having it attached. There's no commute guilt. You're already here. Stephanie: That's actually a really good point. What did you get? Faelyne: I got the blue one. The Mitochondrial Alpha Cell Recovery Surge. I always get it even though the name is deeply annoying. Stephanie: That name is doing too much. Faelyne: so much. It's not recovering anything. It's a smoothie. Stephanie: Yeah, I got the "You Go Girl, Skinny Dip and Divine". I had to add a extra scoop of protein to it because honestly, I live off sour Skittles and popcorn. I feel like I owe my body something. Faelyne: Yeah, but almonds are actually a really efficient protein source if you're looking for something easy. Like a a handful covers a lot. Stephanie: yeah, sure. Faelyne: And they're they're portable. And the thing about almonds is you can just have them everywhere. Like I keep them in my bag, in my car, Stephanie: Hmm. Faelyne: you know, in my gym locker actually, which sounds like a lot of almonds, but it's more of a system. Stephanie: Yeah, that's very organized. So have you tried the tropical one, the "Rizzin' with My Bruh-homies? Faelyne: No, I haven't. I don't really do coconut. Stephanie: it's so good though. It tastes like vacation. Faelyne: Yeah, but coconut milk is pretty high in saturated fats for a post workout drink. Like, if the whole point is recovery, I mean it's just Stephanie: I I'm not really tracking it that closely. I just like how it tastes. Faelyne: No, no, totally. I'm I'm I'm just saying that if you're trying to optimize that window, because you know, the recovery window is actually really short, like the first thirty minutes, kind of, like you don't Stephanie: Dakota. Faelyne: Yeah. Stephanie: I just like 'Rizzin with My Brohomies. Faelyne: It does sound good actually. Stephanie: It's really good. Okay, I have to tell you, last night my cat Eddie knocked over an entire glass of water off my nightstand, into my bed, onto my book. Just completely deliberate, full eye contact. Glass gone. Faelyne: That is so cats, they they they do this thing, you know, like Stephanie: Yeah, the eye contact is the worst part. He looked right at me. Faelyne: Yeah, but that's actually dominance behavior. Like it's not random. They are establishing that that space is theirs. Stephanie: Okay. Faelyne: It's a territorial thing. They knock things over to test boundaries. Stephanie: I know. He's a cat. I've had him for six years. Faelyne: No, no, for sure. I just think it's interesting that it's actually not misbehaving. It's it's more like as if what Stephanie: He knocked my water all over my nightstand. I was in my PJs. I was ready for bed. Faelyne: Right. Stephanie: I had to change my sheets. Faelyne: Yeah, but at least if you think about it That's really annoying. I'm I'm sorry about your sheets. Stephanie: Thank you. They were clean. I had just put them on. She's really nice. She genuinely is. she just does this thing. I say something and she Yeah, buts it every time. Every time. It's not mean. I don't even think it's on purpose. I don't think. It's just it's like she only hears the first half of what I'm saying and then she's already somewhere else. Maybe it's just how she talks. Maybe it's just a habit. Maybe. Faelyne: This is going so well, like unexpectedly well. We're We're just talking about real stuff. Cats, smoothies, working out. This is what normal friendship looks like, and I'm doing it. The almond thing was maybe a lot, but I think she appreciated the information. She seemed interested. I should tell her about the magnesium thing too, actually. Stephanie: Hey, do you wanna hear something that's kind of embarrassing? Faelyne: Obviously yes. Stephanie: I fall asleep to whale sounds. Faelyne: Whale sounds? Stephanie: I know. Thinking about the ocean just makes my brain go quiet. It's the only thing that actually works for me. And I've tried everything else. And I always come back to the whales. Faelyne: Yeah, but those sound patterns are actually really inconsistent. Like whale calls vary so much in frequency and rhythm that your phase three sleep is probably getting interrupted without you even realizing it. You may feel like you're sleeping, but the depth of the sleep that you're actually getting i Stephanie: It it helps me. Faelyne: I know, but the data on nature sounds and sleep depth, it it shows that you. Stephanie: I promise you it helps me. I've tried different playlists, I've tried rain, I've tried white noise, I've tried silence, and I always come back to this one. I know it doesn't work for everyone. Faelyne: Yeah, but your phase three sleep is totally getting interrupted, so there's actually no way that the Stephanie: Dakota. Faelyne: Yeah. Stephanie: What do you fall asleep to? Faelyne: okay. Actually I need complete silence, which is its own problem because every sound is then louder. Like if there's any noise at all, my brain just locks onto it. My neighbor, they have a wind chime and it's actually not even that loud, but I hear it, it is all I can think about. Like I'm just lying there waiting for that next creepy tinkling sound. So then I tried some Stephanie: Hmmm. Faelyne: earplugs and I could hear my own heartbeat, which frankly is somehow worse. So Stephanie: Mm. Faelyne: then I actually found a specific kind of foam earplug that's slightly less dense, and it's actually been a game changer. You know what? I can send you the link. Stephanie: Sure. Okay, totally random. My coworker and I got into the most ridiculous debate yesterday. Faelyne: About what? Stephanie: Whether a hot dog is a sandwich. Faelyne: It's not. Stephanie: Right? That's what I said. Faelyne: It's categorically not a sandwich. I mean, a sandwich requires two separate pieces of bread and Stephanie: No, no, I I completely agree. Faelyne: if you think about it, a bun, it's one continuous piece of bread. And frankly, it's in a completely different structural category. You know, when you think about Stephanie: Dakota, I agree with you. Faelyne: the orientation is wrong. Like the sandwich, it's a horizontal structure. A hot dog is more mm longitudinal. Stephanie: We're on the same side. Faelyne: Basically it puts it closer to a sub, but then if you a sub, two separate pieces of bread. Yeah. Stephanie: Dakota, I said I agree with you. Faelyne: Right. So you think it's not a sandwich either? Stephanie: That's what I said at the beginning. Faelyne: Yeah. Yeah. No, totally. We're aligned. Stephanie: Hey, can I tell you something? Faelyne: Yeah, of course. Stephanie: I've been thinking about making a change career-wise. I've been at the same job for four years and I used to really love it. And lately, I don't know, I just feel kind of stuck. And I've been thinking about going back to school maybe, just ex just exploring it. Faelyne: Yeah, that's cool. What do you what are you thinking of studying? Stephanie: I'm not sure yet. And that's the scary part. I don't even know what I want. I just know I want something different. Faelyne: Yeah, but you should probably figure out the what before you commit to anything. Like going back to school without a clear direction. Financially that's really significant. Stephanie: I know. Faelyne: because the ROI on a degree entirely depends on the field. And if you're not sure of the direction yet, you may want to do more of an audit first, like a skills inventory, or even informational interviews. Stephanie: Dakota, I literally just said I'm exploring it. Faelyne: Yeah, but I just think it's worth having a look and seeing what Stephanie: Yeah, you're probably right. Faelyne: sorry, hang on a second. just this is this is my sister. hang on. Stephanie: No, go ahead. Get it. Faelyne: Are are you sure? 'Cause I can I can just, you know, chat with her later. Stephanie: no, totally. I should head out anyway. This was fun. We should do it again. See you around sometime. See you, bro. Faelyne: hey sis. Hey, how's my favorite sister doing? You know you are my only sister, but you're still my favorite. Yeah, I am in a good mood. I just had smoothies with Raven, my new friend from the gym. Yeah, no, she's fabulous. She's great. She's really funny. We bonded over the tech bros I was telling you about, you know, the S'up guys. Yeah. yeah. What's she like? Well, she lives about three blocks away from the gym. So she walks here. She's got two cats, Eddie and Johnny. Uh-huh. Yeah. She named them after, I think it's a music thing or some doctor scientist guys who wrote. some books. So how are you doing? you didn't sleep well again last night? Hey, have you tried the magnesium thing I sent you? Yeah? But well actually, Raven was telling me about these whale sounds on a playlist that she falls asleep to. She says it really helps her. Yeah, no, no, I know what I've said about nature sound playlists. Yeah,but but... Raven said Yeah, no no no I'm here. Hey, can I call you back in a bit? Stephanie: All right, lab coats on. What you just witnessed was not Dakota being difficult, dismissive, or fundamentally unable to have a conversation. What you watched was two distinct and very well documented ADHD patterns running simultaneously, and neither of them felt like anything from inside Dakota's head. Faelyne: Let's name them properly before we go anywhere because they look similar from the outside and they read as Dakota always having to be right, Dakota always redirecting, Dakota not really listening, but they have different neurological roots and they need different tools. Stephanie: Pattern one is what we're calling cognitive lock. This is the hill dying, the hot dog, the neural recovery window, the whale sounds. Dakota's brain landed on a position and it could not release it, even when the stakes were objectively zero, even when Raven already moved on, even when Raven had said, I agree with you, the argument was still running. Faelyne: And pattern two is what we're calling the redirect loop. It's subtler, and in some ways it's actually more costly. This is the almonds, the earplugs, the career pivot. Raven offers something, a joke, a small vulnerability, like a real moment, and Dakota's brain immediately makes an associative leap to her own experience, her own information, her own version of the story, and she follows it. Completely sincerely. And without realizing, she just walked away from what Raven was actually offering. Stephanie: And here's the thing that is so important to understand about both of these patterns. Neither of the patterns were intentionally selfish. Dakota was not trying to win. Dakota was not trying to make at all about her. She was just trying to connect. Faelyne: Yeah, and in Dakota's brain, yeah, but almonds was a contribution, a gift. She heard Raven Skittles joke and her brain immediately generated relevant information and offered it. That's how her brain connects through information, through association, through the thing that she knows that relates to the thing that you just said. Stephanie: Dr. Russell Barkley's research Faelyne: Yeah, but does he have a fictional cat named after him? Stephanie: I'm sure he has many actual cats named after him. But his research on ADHD Faelyne: Yeah, but what about dogs? Why wouldn't there be any dogs named after Doctor Russell Barkley? Stephanie: I'm sure there are dogs too. And his research on AD Faelyne: What about other types of pets? Dogs, cats. Hey, they don't corner the market on pets, my friend. Stephanie: There are probably a few lab rats because you know, science. Hey, wait a minute, are you just messing with me? That's very funny and very distracting. Okay, what was I saying? Faelyne: While you are desperately searching the cabinets in your memory, throwing files all over the floor trying to remember, I'm gonna take this opportunity to point out to our yeah butters that they just observed in real time what this type of arguing can do to the other person. It would seem to me, the yah butter, that I was addressing or adding to the conversation, making it more interesting, adding a little bit of banter, but you see what happened? I completely derailed Stephanie's train of thought. thought. So now she's sitting there frantically flipping through her notes, trying to remember where she was going, what she was gonna say, and maybe feeling a little like I thought she wasn't interesting enough or what I was adding was somehow more important than the core conversation we were having. Stephanie: You are a mad scientist. And I know you are going to say this little show was for science, the research, the data. So there, I said it for you. And now back to Dr. Barkley. And you know there are definitely dogs named Dr. Barkley. Faelyne: Of course. Or or Sir Barkley. Stephanie: Ooh, Prince Barkley, he wears a purple collar. Faelyne: And white doves hover over him. Stephanie: While he rests upon his purple velvet chase lounge, Faelyne: sorry, another little live lifetime experiment. same instinct as the first one. Stephanie: What? Oof. Faelyne: I wanted to add, I wanted to contribute, wanted to make things a bit more interesting, but this time, instead of yeah butting, I just followed where Stephanie was going and look what happened. Stephanie: Okay, I feel a little bit used, but yes, totally different vibe. Okay, I am going to finish what I was saying about Dr. Barkley with or without any yeah, but. Okay. Dr. Barkley's research on ADHD and executive function describes one of the core deficits as difficulty with self-regulation, difficulty regulating the speed and disdirection of thought in real time. The ADHD brain is not slower. In many ways it is faster. It makes connections quickly, it generates responses quickly, and it has significant difficulty holding these responses back while it checks whether this is the right moment to offer them. Faelyne: Which means the filter that a neurotypical brain has runs automatically. Is this the moment for information or is this the moment for empathy? Is she asking me to solve this or is she asking me just to hear her? That filter is running late in neurodivergent brains, or not running at all. And the response goes out before the check has finished. Stephanie: Doctor Edward Hallowell Eddie, to his friends, which now includes Raven's Cat and Faelyne: Rest in pieces to that glass of water. Stephanie: His work on ADHD and emotional impulsivity, we properly introduced in episode 10, makes a distinction that applies directly here. There is impulsivity as behavior, the blurt, the interruption, the action that happens before you can stop it, and then there is impulsivity as redirection, the moment where your brain is so activated by the associative associative leap that it simply follows it. automatically without checking whether following it serves the conversation or just serves you. Faelyne: Dakota didn't redirect because she didn't care about Raven's career dreams. Dakota redirected because her brain handed her ROI on a degree before it registered that Raven wasn't asking for analysis. She was asking to be seen. Stephanie: And this is a part that's hard to hear because for the person on the receiving end, like Raven, the pattern looks like consistent choice. It looks like Dakota has always has something to add, always has a counterpoint, always knows better, always comes back to herself. Raven does not have access to Dakota's internal experience. She only has the data. Faelyne: And the data from where Raven is sitting is that she told Dakota something funny. And Dakota gave her a nutrition lecture. She told Dakota something scary and vulnerable. Dakota gave her a financial analysis. And she told Dakota something that helps her sleep. And Dakota argued with her about it twice. About the rizzin' with my bruh-homies of sleep solutions. Stephanie: Now let's talk about cognitive lock because the hill dying has its own mechanism and it is worth understanding separately. Dr. Barkley describes the ADHD brain's relationship with stimulation and arousal as fundamentally different from a neurotypical brain. The ADHD brain requires more activation to engage its regulatory systems. And one of the things that provides this activation is conflict. Faelyne: Not conflict as in Dakota Wants to fight. Conflict as in the brain experiences the back and forth of a debate as really stimulating, engaging, even fun. The ADHD brain in a good debate is more awake, more focused, and more present than it was, say, three seconds ago, and it feels good. And the brain wants to stay there. Stephanie: Which is why dropping it is so hard. Not because Dakota needed to be right, although the emotional experience can feel exactly like that, but because dropping the debate required the brain to release a source of stimulation it is actively benefiting from. And for the ADHD brain, releasing stimulation is work. Faelyne: Dr. John Ratey, yes, Raven's other cat, Stephanie: Johnny. Faelyne: Johnny, whose work alongside Dr. Hallowell on the ADHD brain's relationship with stimulation, novelty, and emotional charge, is some of the most important in the field. That, Dr. John Ratey, describes the ADHD brain as essentially running hotter than a neurotypical brain in emotionally charged situations. There's more activation, more urgency, more noise. Stephanie: Which means by the time Dakota got to the whale sounds, her brain was running a lot hotter than it was when she walked in. Not because she wasn't self-aware and not because she didn't know how to have a conversation, but because every debate, every redirect, every leap had been adding to her activation. And activated brains are not flexible brains. Faelyne: No? They are not. Stephanie: Mm-hmm. Faelyne: And here's a piece we really should talk about more. That whale sound moment isn't Dakota being cruel. It's Dakota being so activated, so locked on to the stimulation of having a position that she literally can't hear Raven telling her twice, calmly, clearly, with full self awareness, that her whale songs work for her. The information can't get in because the lock is already engaged. Yeah. Stephanie: And Raven did everything right in that moment. She was generous and she was patient. She said, I know it doesn't work for everyone. She gave Dakota every possible exit ramp, and Dakota just drove past all of them. Faelyne: and Raven handed her the wheel because it was easier than standing in front of the speeding bus. Stephanie: Yeah, in that moment, Raven quietly redirected the conversation away from her own sleep routine just to make it stop. That is the moment that costs the most, not because anything dramatic happened, because something, a small window, quietly closed. Faelyne: And Dakota was telling her sister about it fifteen minutes later and still didn't know. Stephanie: Until she heard herself, Yeah, but Raven said about the whale sounds to someone who wasn't even in the conversation. Faelyne: And that was actually the beginning of everything. Not the shame spiral that follows, not the three AM replay, the moment of hearing yourself from the outside. That's the data point that changes everything. Stephanie: If you let it be data instead of evidence against yourself. Faelyne: Which is exactly what the protocols are for. Stephanie: So if you just watch that skit and recognize the Yeah, but if you have said it today, this week and the last conversation you had about with someone you actually care about. Faelyne: If you have ever contributed a nutrition fact to a joke someone was making, or if you've ever Stephanie: Hm. Faelyne: argued a position past the point where the other person was even still in the argument, if you've ever offered someone your very best information at the exact moment they needed your very best listening. Stephanie: If you've ever been Dakota and if you have ever been Raven. Faelyne: Because some of you have been both in the same week. Stephanie: We see you, we are you, and before we tell you what to do, we just want to sit here for a moment. Faelyne: Because the science explains the pattern, it does not sit with you in the car afterwards when you're replaying it and trying to figure out what what Raven actually meant by we should do it again sometime. Stephanie: That is what we are about to do. Welcome to the validation station. Faelyne: Here is what I want you to know about the yeah, but. It's not evidence that you're a bad friend, and it isn't evidence that you don't care. It is not evidence that you are selfish or arrogant or incapable of real connection. Stephanie: It is evidence that your brain moves fast, that it makes connections quickly and follows them automatically. It has spent years finding ways to contribute, to add value, to earn its place in conversations where it sometimes felt like it didn't quite fit in. Faelyne: A lot of ADHDers, and I want to say this very clearly because it matters, a lot of ADHDers grew up feeling like too much, too loud, too intense, too scattered, too everywhere. And somewhere along the way, the brain learned that knowing things was safe, that being useful was safe, having information, having the answer, having the data. That was a really good way to belong. Stephanie: And the yeah, but is often that survival skill still running, still trying to earn its seat at the table, still offering the most valuable thing it has, the thing it knows. Faelyne: It just hasn't learned yet that sometimes what the other person needs isn't to know the thing that you know. It's really just the fact that you stayed, that you didn't go anywhere, that you let their story be their story without needing to add yours to it. That you let the joke land without explaining why the almonds were empirically a better nutrition source. Stephanie: That you let the whale sounds be enough. Faelyne: even when the data says otherwise. Stephanie: And I want to say something about Raven, her side of this too, because some of you are Raven right now. Some of you love someone who does this thing, a partner, a friend, a sibling, a kid, and know what it feels like to share something and have it, yeah, butted right back in your face. Faelyne: And that feeling is exhausting and it is real. It's valid. It's frustrating and it does not make you a bad person for feeling it. Stephanie: The ADHD brain and your loved one are not doing it to you, but that does not mean it isn't affecting you. Both things are true at the same time. Faelyne: If you are Raven, the thing that helps most is not taking it personally in the moment and finding a way to name it when you have the language for it. Not in the heat of it. Later, calmly. Hey, when you do this thing, here is what it feels like for me. That's a conversation worth having. Stephanie: It is also the conversation that comes next. Faelyne: Very small spoiler. Stephanie: Extremely small. And if you're Dakota, the phone call moment, the yeah, but Raven said moment, that is not a reason to spiral. That is your brain's launch team showing up late. A little winded, but showing up. Faelyne: That moment is the beginning of the protocol. Not the shame, the noticing. Stephanie: We've said it before and we will continue to say it. You are not too much. You are not broken. You are someone whose brain sincerely trying to connect, who is learning, maybe for the first time, that connection sometimes sounds like silence, like staying, like letting the s whale sounds be enough. Faelyne: even when the data says otherwise. Stephanie: Especially then. Faelyne: You have just been in a lot of conversations when the way you connect didn't match the way you were needed. And now you have language for that. Stephanie: And the language is where the protocol starts. Faelyne: And whatever yab butts await you, that's the cringe we're here for. Stephanie: We're here for. Okay. But real quick, if the lab is your kind of place, hit follow where you're listening. Future you will not remember to come back and look for us. Faelyne: We know this about you. Stephanie: Yeah, but we know this about ourselves. Faelyne: Yeah, but hit follow right now while you're thinking about it. Stephanie: Okay, back in the lab. hey, we have watched the yeah but in action. We've broken down the science and we've sat with what it costs. Now let's talk about what to actually do with it. Faelyne: Three protocols this time, and as always, some of these we have personally road tested. On ourselves, on unsuspecting people who love us. Both count as data. Stephanie: Mm-hmm. And all of it is in the show notes because you are driving or making dinner or pretending to be somewhere else right now and you are not writing any of this down. Faelyne: No judgment, only science. Stephanie: Science This week's love saying that. This week's science branch, aerospace, NASA launch terminology. Because if anything captures what the ADHD brain does in a conversation, it's a rocket that's already on the launch pad, engines running, preparing for takeoff before anyone has finished the countdown. Faelyne: Houston, we have a yeah but Stephanie: Protocol one, hold the launch. Faelyne: This is the physical awareness protocol, and it builds directly on protocol one from episode ten, named the broadcast, because the yeah but has a f physical signal too. It just feels a little bit different from the blurt signal. Stephanie: The blurt signal is urgency. It is pressure. It is the I need to say this right now. The yeah, but signal is more like momentum. It is a feeling of your brain moving towards a response before the other person is finished. It's leaning forward. It is a slight internal shift where you stop receiving and start loading. Faelyne: For a lot of ADHD ears, this happens in the body before it happens in awareness. Your weight shifts, your breath changes slightly, there's a there's a readiness, a a kind of eagerness that precedes the yeah but by about one beat. It's subtle, but it's there. Stephanie: And the protocol isn't to suppress it, it is to feel it, to notice. They're dragging out the launch pad. My brain is already building the response, preparing for takeoff. And then before you do anything else, run the sequence. Faelyne: Step one, before preparing for liftoff, feel the signal. Name it internally. Houston, we have a yeah, but not out loud necessarily. Just to yourself, just enough to know what's happening in the control room. Stephanie: I would love if you named that out loud from now on. Faelyne: You know, a hundred percent, I'm gonna do it. Stephanie: Anytime in real life, you're like, yeah, Houston, we have a yeah but. Okay. Step two, hold the launch. You are not cleared for takeoff. One more beat of receiving before you switch to sending. Not a full pause, not a three second rule, just one beat. The countdown stops at T minus one. Faelyne: Step three, go or no go. Is this the moment for information or for empathy? Is she asking me to solve or to stay? If it's go, launch the response. If it's no go. Stephanie: Abort takeoff, stay in their orbit one more beat, which brings us directly to protocol two. Faelyne: Think of it as training your launch team. It has been chronically understaffed. You are hiring. Stephanie: Mission Control appreciates your patience. Faelyne: Let's move on to protocol two, QB4S. Stephanie: That just stands for question before statement, but we're keeping it NASA. So rocket science sounding. The QB4S is the redirect protocol for for the redirect loop or orbit. The version of yeah, but that pulls the conversation back to you before the other person has finished being in their moment. Faelyne: The protocol is simple. Before you offer your version, your almond equivalent, so to speak, ask one question about theirs. Not a complicated question, not a therapeutic deep dive. Just one genuinely curious question that keeps you in their story for one more exchange. Stephanie: How long have you been doing that? Did it work? What made you try that? Any of those? Something so small that it barely feels like an intervention, but completely changes the direction of the conversation. Faelyne: Because here is what that kind of question does neurologically. It keeps the ADHD brain engaged, which is what it needs, while redirecting that engagement towards the other person's experience instead of bringing it back towards your own associations. You're still active, brain is still moving, it's just moving towards them instead of away. Stephanie: And the other person feels that. They feel the difference between someone who is waiting to talk and someone who's actually curious about them. Even if you cannot always tell the difference from inside your own head, even if you're really not that interested in what the other person is talking about, you're still interested in that person. Faelyne: The QB4S is also useful because it buys your launch control center a bit more time. While you are listening to their answer, your brain is running the Yah but in the background. And sometimes, not always, sometimes by the time they finish answering, the yeah but has dissolved. It wasn't needed. You just needed a moment to catch up to the conversation. Stephanie: Which is almost never the same conversation you prepared for anyway. Faelyne: Almost never. Stephanie: Okay, protocol three, lock and locate the launch pad's nearest exit. Faelyne: This is the Cognitive Lock Protocol. The Hill dying, the hot dog, the Rizzin' with My Brahomies of Sleep Solutions, the Whale Sounds. Mission control, we have a lock. Stephanie: The ADHD brain on a stimulating debate is not going to stop finding it stimulating just because you decide it should. The arousal is real, the engagement is real, the investment in the position is real, and you cannot logic your way out of a neurological event. Faelyne: So the goal is not to stop caring about the debate, the goal is to locate the nearest exit and actually use it. Stephanie: Three steps. Step one, brain. Hold launch. Stand by. Name the lock to yourself. Not out loud, internally. One sentence. Not I should probably stop. That is too vague Your brain will ignore that. It has to be something explicit, like I am still arguing about the whale sounds, and Raven has moved on. Name it like a scientist. That distinction is what creates just enough separation between the feeling and the next word out of your mouth. Faelyne: Step two, we are a go for redirect. Find the one true thing. Not fake agreement, not a capitulation. Something that you actually mean. I hear you. That makes sense for you. Okay, yeah. It doesn't have to be big. It just has to be real. You are not surrendering the debate. You're acknowledging the human in front of you. Stephanie: Step three, abort, abort, Stop talking. That is the whole step. The ADHD brain will want to add one more thing. It will feel unresolved. It will feel like the exit ramp came too soon. But take it anyway. Faelyne: Not in a yeah but way, because what Raven needed in the whale sounds moment wasn't for Dakota to agree that whale sounds are scientifically optimal for phase three sleep. What she needed was to feel like her experience was real and valid to the person sitting across from her. Three steps, brain, hold launch, standby, go for redirect, aboard. Stephanie: The hot dog will still be not be a sandwich tomorrow. Faelyne: Mission control confirms. Stephanie: It really does. All right, the lab doors are open and we know something has just surfaced for a lot of you. Faelyne: Maybe you have a yeah but. Maybe you said it today. Maybe you're sitting there right now running a quiet systems audit of the last conversation you had with someone you love. Stephanie: Maybe you are a Raven. Maybe you know a Dakota. Maybe you are somehow both in the same relationship and you just now are getting language for why certain conversations feel like a rapid, unscheduled disassembly every single time. Faelyne: R U D We have been there. Stephanie: We have the data. And that is data. Faelyne: Yeah. Stephanie: and this week's bonus question for the comments. Okay, yes. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Faelyne: Okay. F for the comments. Yeah, we're doing this. It's exciting. So, folks, is Spaghetti Bear a Jedi Master, Yoda, Darth Vader or Princess Leia? Stephanie: Think carefully. Faelyne: Chewbacca, not a choice. Stephanie: It would be pigeonholing him. Faelyne: Frankly, a bit rude. Stephanie: And he has standards. Faelyne: Infinite ones. Stephanie: Drop everything in the comments, email us at the ADHD spaghetti bear at gmail.com. The T H E is required because he insists on formality. Faelyne: Or click the link in the description to fill out our Cringe-fession form. Anonymous submissions always welcome. Stephanie: Your RUD could be our next experiment. No judgment. Faelyne: No judgment, only science. Stephanie: Only science. Okay. Launch sequence complete and experiment concluded. ADHD arguing is real. It is neurological and the yeah but is not a character flaw. It is a fast brain that learned to connect through contribution and is still learning when to listen instead. Faelyne: Protocol 1. Hold the launch. Before preparing for liftoff, linger on the launch pad and feel the signal. Don't just give the signal. Houston, we have a yabut. Hold the launch. And then run your go or no-go checklist. Is this the moment to launch the response or stay in their orbit for one more beat? Stephanie: Protocol 2, the QB4S. Question before statement. No go on the launch? Ask one genuine question before you offer your version. Keep your brain engaged while staying in the orbit. We are a go for redirect. Faelyne: Protocol 3, lock and locate the launch pad's nearest exit. Mission control, we have a lock. Three steps on this one. Brain, hold launch and stand by. Go for redirect, find the one true thing and say it. And then abort. Stop talking. Let the silence do its job. Stephanie: The hot dog will still not be a sandwich tomorrow. Faelyne: Mission control confirms. Stephanie: And remember Faelyne: Raven used the bro. Goodbye. Stephanie: she did. Faelyne: The mission is not over. Stephanie: The data is still coming in. Faelyne: Even at three AM. Stephanie: Especially at three AM. Faelyne: Your amygdala is an unreliable launch system processor at three AM. Stephanie: Keep it away from the playback button. Godspeed. You're a go for orbit. Faelyne: Over and out, good buddies. Now, instead of hitting the launch button, hit follow right now while you're thinking about it. Stephanie: Future you will not remember to return to our orbit and look for us. We know this about you. We know this about ourselves. Faelyne: And if the lab is your kind of planet, leave us a review. 30 Seconds from You helps another ADHD brain find us. Stephanie: Every follow, every review, every share puts us in front of someone who needs to hear that their brain isn't broken. Faelyne: It's just wired differently and working with an unreliable launch director. Stephanie: Help us pull them into our orbit. Faelyne: Be here. Stephanie: In the lab. Faelyne: Obviously.