Paloma: Hello everybody, welcome to our podcast. Today we actually just started having a conversation about how we grew up and how a lot of people grew up and how a lot of the programming ⁓ from our society is starting to dwindle and just shed away every single day now and we notice it so much and both of us working with kids and with other families, it's so interesting to see. Hi and welcome to the In the Cortex Podcast. We are your hosts.

Danielle: I'm Danielle Perrecone

Paloma: And I'm Paloma Garcia and we are the founders of In the Cortex, an online community with programs that show people the tools they need to change their lives through brain reorganization. No medication, just movement.

Danielle: And when you get your brain out of survival mode and regulate your nervous system, you start to live in the fun, logical part of the brain, the cortex. Subscribe today and learn how to live your best in the cortex life. And now on to today's episode.

Paloma: just the incredibly different perspectives that parents have nowadays in the way that they want to raise their kids, in the way that they talk to them, in the way that they encourage them to do different things. So that's what we were saying today is that when we were little, there was just so much weight on you have to go to school and you have to, I mean, that's just, that's been for however many years, right? It's not like just our parents, we have to go to school and then after school you have to have two to five activities in the afternoon. And then you finally, it's like you had to get the kids like tuckered out. And I remember my grandpa saying that. Like, oh, you gotta tuck them out, you gotta get them tuckered out, right? It's like all that you want is for the kids to like be tired so that they're not bothering you at night. That's kind of the way that I'm interpreting it, right? Where it's like, oh, we want them to get everything out of their system. So at night they're just chilling, they just wanna read a book and go to sleep, right? And of course it was great to have all the activities we had, right? Not that I...

Danielle: Yeah. Mmm. Yeah. Yeah.

Paloma: stuck to any of them. But it's great to have tennis and ballet and whatever, swimming and whatever, I don't know if it was necessarily always aligned with what we were even interested in.

Danielle: Right, right. I think I do a lot of that today where I'm looking at what my kids are doing and it's constantly like deprogramming of like, OK, society says you'll have to do this with my kids. And then I'm working on this whole like fighting back of the system because I'm like, wait, is that what we need to do? Is that a part of how we're supposed to live? Because if you look at statistics like we've never been more unhealthy, more sadder, more depressed, more filled with things that are not serving us well in our entire existence. And we just keep thinking the answer is add more, do more. And I know our program does tell you to do 20 minutes of brain work a day, but it's to do less, like in the big picture. So it's like, you got to do this one thing to then be able to do less. So it seems counterintuitive, but it actually, makes sense when you start regulating your nervous system. And I would say the one thing that's really resonating with me lately,

Paloma: Yes.

Danielle: As I've been learning about human design and really understanding like when you're regulated, you also have a design that's so unique to you and realizing that like my kids and me, we have different designs and my daughter, she's the manifesting generator and she's not designed to like stick with one thing for long periods of time if she doesn't like it. And I did push her into baseball and she did tell me before she started that she didn't want to do it.

Paloma: You heard. Yeah. She wasn't into it.

Danielle: And I was like, no, it'll be good for you. It's about building character and grit and da-da-da-da-da, making friends. And she just like looked at me in her like very stoic and very knowing face of just like, don't, I already know she's very wise. She's like, I don't wanna do it, but I will go ahead and appease you and prove to you that it's not my jam. Anyways, so I remember seeing like the first practice and I was like, ⁓ no, this is not gonna work for her. And I was just like.

Paloma: She's very wise. I'll humor you, yeah. Hahaha!

Danielle: Let's go and like she would get up and she would kind of do it and she had a great attitude. One practice she just like refused but her blood sugar was really low on that one. But then I was just like, okay, I get it. You don't wanna do it. And just this weekend, I went and took her, I was like, do you wanna at least get your picture taken because that's cute. And then you and Axel can take a picture together. And it was so interesting because speaking of programming, it was so fascinating. I saw a person I knew, she was like, oh, you're ready to go for your pictures?

Paloma: ⁓ yeah.

Danielle: And was like, yeah, we're just going to take pictures today. She's a girl. You're not going to play the game. And I was like, no, it's not really her thing. And she was like, and then she decided to take it upon herself to get down to my daughter's eye level and was just like, you know, when you start something, you must finish it. And I was like, I'm sorry. What? Like, that's not that's your parenting. That's not mine. I just thought it was so interesting that she just like went into this conversation. I'm looking at it that she came from a space of wanting to support me because she didn't.

Paloma: Of course.

Danielle: maybe she thought because society's expectations and the program that we have is that if you start it, you have to finish it, right? So many people say that they're like, if they sign up for something, finish it no matter what and push yourself through. And then I was just like, yeah, well, I'm just trying to teach her how to like listen to her intuition. And like, it's not that big of a deal if she doesn't want to finish this one thing. Am I going to let her get out of everything? No. But like baseball, I was like, it's not needed. Anyways, Siggy, after that conversation for like five minutes, this woman went on and we were just like sitting there and I was just like looking at Siggy and I'm like, yeah, I know, like, don't worry about it. And then after the conversation, I was like, you know, whatever she said, like, that's not about us, right? Like that's about her. And she's like, yeah, I know. And I was like, all right, cool, cool. So you're good to not have to finish. And she's like, all right, thanks. But like my parents would have pushed me. My parents would have forced me to do everything.

Paloma: You Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, my parents were the opposite where they let me do not, didn't make me stick to anything. And I think on one hand, it was good because I was able to do all these different things. am thinking about like swimming, karate, ⁓ ballet, tennis for sure. Tennis I stuck with a little bit longer. And...

Danielle: Dictate it. Hmm.

Paloma: art, then they put me in ⁓ theater, musical theater, like all the things that I wanted to do, they let me do it. But then sometimes, I was a kid that had a disorganized brain, so any kind of movement was really hard for me. So anything like art and music and theater and stuff, that I was good to keep doing. But any movement thing, it was just hard for me, and so I didn't like it, you know? And I would get really tired or really like...

Danielle: Yeah. Hmm.

Paloma: whatever, overstimulated probably, because my vestibular system couldn't handle that much movement. And so I didn't want to keep going, and so they wouldn't always push me to keep going. So that's where I think it's really important to know your kid and know what their design is, because I'm a projector. So my parents said, no, they would have been like, actually, it's probably going to be better for you to stick to this a little bit longer so you get really good at it. Because for me in my design, it's really important for me to get really, really, really good at certain things so that I can guide other people in doing them, right?

Danielle: Yeah. Yeah.

Paloma: And again, this is not to blame anybody or shame anybody. There's definitely no way that they knew about human design, right? But I think it's, it is a really cool tool. And when you couple it with this stuff, if I had been able to have an unorganized brain and a more regulated nervous system, then I would have been able to also go further in a lot of those things that were harder for me. And then movement in general would be easier for me now that I'm still fighting against my programming now at 36 years old, even though I have a much more organized brain. I'm not going to say it's a hundred percent,

Danielle: now. No. Yeah. Yeah.

Paloma: nobody has a hundred percent, right? But, and I know how good it is for me, and I still sometimes I'm like, oh, but I do really don't want to do it. I'm just so lazy. I'm just so lazy. And that's the programming, is that you're lazy. If you don't like to do movement, then you're automatically lazy, right? When it's just because I'm a projector, I need more rest than most people. That's it, just like you do, right? We need more naps, we need more rest, we don't have our own motor, right? But I think that that's the stuff that we are now in the process of

Danielle: Mm-hmm. Yeah. ⁓ Yeah.

Paloma: deprogramming and unprogramming for and like I am so proud of these parents that come to the forest preschool and let their kids get completely like today I was telling you this kid was he was the he was a human dust ball like he was so dirty and the mom was like

Danielle: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I love it.

Paloma: And she was like, this is actually harder for me than it is for him. I'm glad I'm bringing him here. I was like, yes, there you go. Good for you. And she's like, of course he was living his best life. Are you kidding me? He was literally doing snow angels in the dirt. And she was like, okay, I'm really, you know, I think that's why I found this. Cause I need to work on this. I need to be okay with him being completely disgustingly dirty. And I was like, yes. And that's what's so cool. And about these people that are really wanting to find the other side of it, you know?

Danielle: Of course. Of course it is. Yeah. Yeah. Ugh, I love that. That's what it's really about, because I think honestly, like when you break all of this down, it comes down to when a child is going through childhood and they are being programmed by their parents, the parents don't realize how much of their programs from their childhood are feeding this cycle. And I think that's what we're trying to get to is breaking the cycle when it needs to be broken. Because I will agree with you, there was times when My parents did push me to do something and it actually ended up helping my life out and it gave me a really good life path. like had I wanted, had I quit field hockey my freshman year in college and I dropped out of school, I think that my life trajectory would have looked so different. I don't think ITC would still be alive if I didn't have to learn that grit of pushing through something hard for sure because owning a business, running a business, starting a business from the ground.

Paloma: orders. Bye guys.

Danielle: is not for the week. It does require so much introspection and reflection and constant persistence to keep it going. So I do think that that comes from it. But all I wanted was a kid was maybe a little more conversation, maybe a little bit more like, how are you doing, girl? And a little less emphasis on my performance because that's where we just spent like, what, a two hour session on Saturday breaking down our stuff around performance and value and worth.

Paloma: Yeah. Hmm.

Danielle: and realizing it stemmed from our parents' identity. Anyway, so that's what we're trying to get to is like, when you're with your kids or when you're, and when you have kids, it's that moment to realize like, when do I push them into something? When do I pull back? When do I look at like what their design is in human design to know what are they supposed to be doing? And then how do I have the conversation? I think that's where we can guide this today is how do we talk to our kids when we're in something that we don't necessarily love?

Paloma: Right.

Danielle: And that's something that I have obviously had to learn how to do because I'm with my kids who do a lot of things they don't wanna do. They don't wanna take tests, they don't wanna do homework, they don't wanna do certain things that they don't see the value in because they don't get it yet, right? They don't have that prefrontal cortex developed to see the big picture, to know where things are gonna land because they don't have, yeah. I really feel like we should shift adulthood to being at 26. Like we shouldn't even be driving cars until we're 26.

Paloma: of. Which isn't going to be developed until the 26th, by the way, so there's a long time. Yeah. I agree. Why are we letting people act like they're adults when they're not? There's 18, you're still a teenager, right? 19, like truly I do think that that is something that I wish, I hope will shift at some point because we're also giving really young people just so much responsibility and their brains just not even finished designing yet. I mean, developing yet, right? So it's really a lot, it's a lot of burden.

Danielle: Right.

Paloma: handing the keys of a car to a little seven-year-old. mean, obviously, it's not exactly the same, but where do think that car's gonna end up? You know what I mean? Like, I'm just saying. I wish that there were more years of mentorship of...

Danielle: Literally. ⁓ yeah.

Paloma: guiding them, of holding their hands and being like, here, I got you. Yes, it's time to maybe move on to doing your own business or working somewhere, or you don't have to be in school forever. You have to live with your parents forever. having more of an active mentorship be part of our society until you reach those 26 years old, where you're talking to somebody about everything in your life, about your relationships. And this is why a long time ago, the way that our society was set up was intergenerational.

Danielle: Yeah.

Paloma: always had different generations, different ages to look up to and to learn from in the same classroom, but also in the same village. And also, these were the people that you were asking for advice, right? And this is where everything broke down, is when we started to break everybody down by age, decide these random standards of how, if you're this age and you have to know this, if you're this age, you have to know this, right? And I'm going to test you on it every five seconds. And now the only people that I have to look up to are actually my same age. What?

Danielle: Yes. Yeah. Right. Right? It's so not, it's nonsensical. No.

Paloma: Why would I look up to somebody who was exactly at the same point as I am, right? So I think that that would be, this is just a parenthesis, but it would just be so amazing to have kids, I do think you're still a kid when you're in your early 20s. I think kids, we're literal babies, babies. ⁓

Danielle: Ugh, 100%. Yeah.

Paloma: they, if they were able to like in society feel like there was still support for them, I think that everything would be so much easier for them, right? Instead of being like, okay, peace out, you're on your own, you're done with college, bye, good luck. And we just have automatically the bar goes, shoop, up here. So now these are all the things you have to do and accomplish and these are all the standards and expectations for you, from you, right? And I don't think that that's.

Danielle: ⁓ yeah. Just question now. Yeah.

Paloma: necessarily fair for them and I don't think it's helping them because it's creating so much more resistance in a part of their lives when they're just not ready for it.

Danielle: But- No. No, and I think we, just talked about this today on a presentation and someone was saying, it sounds like the best thing to do is build the connection. And I was like, that's exactly what it is. It all comes back down to connection, healthy cortex, regulated connection. And I think, I mean, just came to me, I was just thinking like, okay, well, we know when school shifted, it was like the industrial revolution. And I know that like daylight savings time shifted. because of war. We always were told it was because of the farmers and the daylight, but I actually did a little deep dive because I was like, why do we still do it? It was because of war. We wanted to save on fuel costs because they didn't have as much daylight and they were in the midst of wars when it all started and it went away and then they brought it back and who knows why. But then I was just thinking the same thing about why are we adults at 18? It's also about war, right? Being able to go off to war. And so was like, it's not about

Paloma: Yeah. Alright. Whoa.

Danielle: Actually being 18. It was like in our life. Expentant the expectancy was so much shorter back in the day So they probably had to find a time in the middle of when they were enough developed to go out and fight and Honestly, too. I was just thinking about this I mean we're talking about programming because programming at the end of the day is everything and if you think about like the Marines I actually just saw a person Wearing a shirt that said this on Saturday. It says

Paloma: Yes, exactly. Right.

Danielle: and it was a Marine Corps shirt and I am not dogging the Marine Corps. Please hear that. I am just questioning and curious where this expression would come from. It said, pain is weakness leaving the body. And I was like, ⁓ that's an interesting way to think of it. And I was like, I don't think of it like that at all. Like that makes me think that we're tricking ourselves to think that this pain is good for me because we grew up with the expression, no pain, no gain, right?

Paloma: Wow. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, 100%.

Danielle: And if you think about how the military operates, it's a lot of psychological. It's a lot of like commands and chain of commands and who's the boss and listening to the boss. And there's so much rules and programming within the military. I was actually just kind of thinking about that. was like, wow, that's actually kind of crazy because we want our kids to learn how to tune into their intuition, know what works for them, know what doesn't work for them. So they're not.

Paloma: Yeah.

Danielle: 36, 41 years old, spending hours on the weekend, deprogramming themselves, like unprogramming the things that aren't working, right? Because we didn't have someone guiding us into, here's a really good way of looking at this, or have you thought of it like this? Or what if you did push yourself here? And what do you think the outcome would be if you didn't? And it doesn't mean that that means the child gets to dictate and control it.

Paloma: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Danielle: It just means you pull them into the conversation so they start understanding the when to push, when not to push, when to stay, when not to stay. And I think that's something that so many of us stay too long, leave too soon and in all aspects of life. And I think that's the part that we really want to get to is how do we have the conversation so we can help honor like all the things? And so this is where.

Paloma: Yes. 100 percent. I love that and I think also, yeah, well it's also about helping them tune into their own intuition or not lose it because when you're little you still have that intuition very, very present, right? It hasn't been deprogrammed out of you yet, right? The younger you are, the more intuitive you are just because that's the way we operate and also because you haven't developed that many other filters and that many other skills even to stop trusting it, right? So you maybe haven't even developed

Danielle: Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Paloma: like a sense of time, so you just want to eat when you want to eat when you're hungry, right? That goes into like intuitive eating and stuff, right? So instead of having to do three meals a day, blah, blah, blah. Babies really just kind of eat when they get hungry. And then there's a lot of messaging that comes in from society about like, got to feed them this many times a day and blah, blah, that's a whole other thing. But we all know our cycles, we know our rhythms, we know everything about our body when we're babies, because that's what we know. That's what we know the best, right? We're learning all the other stuff, but we know this. Because that's what we have been with, at least for those nine months that we were in the womb. That's what we had was that and our mom.

Danielle: Yeah. Right, so natural. Yeah. ⁓ Mmm.

Paloma: And that's why the mom connection is so so so important and so I think that that's truly what it's about is helping them connect with their own intuition with their own way of interpreting things and seeing how do think this is gonna work and just helping them understand like helping them not understand because they do understand helping them put the words to

Danielle: Mm-hmm.

Paloma: the feelings that they're having and the pulls that they're having or not having, right? And none of us know what the future's gonna look like. And I think a lot of adults will do that, ⁓ no, but he's doing this thing. And now if he doesn't do this thing, then he's never gonna be able to do that thing, and then he's never gonna be able to do that thing. And then when he's an adult, this is gonna happen. And it's like, okay.

Danielle: and Yeah. Hmm. That is kind of it. Yeah. That was a big leap.

Paloma: You don't mind, take you really far, you know what I mean? Like it really can go to some places. So let's just help them figure out what's right now. Because there's no way for us to know any of that in the future, right? And I think that this is where it's really important, like you said, to think about how to talk to them. And I'd love for you to give us some of those strategies in a second. But I think a lot of the time in this kind of conversation, people will start to talk about kids as being manipulative and being, know, whatever it's like.

Danielle: Yeah. Yeah. No. No. Yeah. Yeah. Ugh. Yeah.

Paloma: It's a kid. So are they wanting to, are they manipulating you? Maybe, but they're not being manipulative. They're a child. So they're trying, they're always figuring out ways to understand how does my behavior and my actions and my words impact the world around me? How do people respond to it? How do people not respond to it? And so by putting a label, on a kid as young as whatever, of their being manipulative, their being like that, instead of being, ⁓ that's so interesting. I can see how they're perceiving what I said. And so now I'm curious to see how they're gonna respond to that, right? And.

Danielle: Right. Yeah.

Paloma: It is also normal for them to want to manipulate certain situations because that's what humans do, right? But I think that the word manipulate in itself is now seen as something inherently bad, right? Or inherently like negative because of all the connotations that it has naturally, right? Of course. So, yeah.

Danielle: Right. ⁓ yeah, yeah, because after as you get older, yeah, yeah,

Paloma: Yeah, and I think that's where it's really important. Like part of this whole conversation today is also thinking about the language that we use with the kids, but also about the kids. It's so, so, so important. Because we don't even notice. We're like,

Danielle: Yeah.

Paloma: Look at that, he's kind manipulative, huh? ⁓ she's so outgoing. ⁓ he's really shy. And that's it, just like that, you're making that happen, you're making them become that, right? Then it's not like it's a bad thing to be shy or to be extroverted, right? But now you're putting this thing on this kid, this label on this kid that now is gonna be seen as the one that always has to be extroverted, the one that always has to be shy, the one that always has to be manipulating things. remember guys, this isn't like something that

Danielle: Mm-hmm. Right. Right. Yeah.

Paloma: kids necessarily have to understand in order to live it out. This is a frequency. They feel it. They know what it is. And so they're living up to whatever frequency you're putting out because you're the adult in their life and you're the one that knows more, right?

Danielle: They can feel it, yeah. Yeah, yeah. 100%. I think so many kids, well, let's think about this. Like you're being programmed when you're a kid from zero to eight. I mean, really for, I would say your whole life, right? I just say that the timeframe of zero to eight is just a lot more fast. It's a lot faster and more rapid. ⁓ But I will say that you're watching the people who are caregiving you and taking care of you and you're watching how they navigate life. And so you're doing what they do because that's what you literally are learning. So you're modeling.

Paloma: Whoever, yeah.

Danielle: behavior, right? And so, and this always goes back to the conversation of why we say parents need to start with themselves first, because if you are going to be bringing kids through this experience, like you would really hope that you're regulated, because if you're not, then they're gonna learn dysregulation. That was 1000 % my case. ⁓ But yes, and I mean, I think this is where programming, it's just so insane because...

Paloma: Yeah.

Danielle: I catch myself like even falling back into those traps because that's just what we do, right? We fall back into the traps of putting people into boxes because when you're going through something as a human, you're trying to understand why did that thing happen and trying to make sense of the story. And that way you can understand it so that way it can like stay in some capacity, a tangible experience. And so it's really when you become really aware of it and you do

Paloma: and Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Danielle: you're fighting against a gigantic system that's trying to get you to think differently. So when we start to break out of it, it's gonna take a lot of energy and effort to get through. But then once you're there, you allow yourself to dip in and out of being okay, okay, shoot, I just got pulled back into that minutia of the 3D stuff, and I wanna be back out seeing the zoomed out version of it.

Paloma: Mm-hmm.

Danielle: And I do it all the time. And that's why I love these tools because it's a way for me to get back into the place I like, the aligned place of, you know, being able to see clearly and using my cortex versus getting caught up in the emotions because we all do it. But with my kids, our conversations, for example, the one that happened with my daughter. And I do this like, it's so crazy to me. I literally will say something.

Paloma: Yeah. ⁓ course.

Danielle: And the speed in which I catch myself now where I'm like, wow, that was the program. I'm so sorry. I can't believe I just said that to you. ⁓ So for my daughter, I was like, you know what? I'm going to go ahead and admit it. Like baseball is not that fun for you. I can actually see it. And she's like, thank you. And Axel was like, yeah, because she told you she didn't want to play.

Paloma: Yeah. I know.

Danielle: And it's funny because he's coming from the angle of like, well, mom, if you have to go split your time between the both of us and you're not there for me. So of course he's going to double down on her not getting to play. Like, I want you to be at my games in practice. And and she's also like, I'm more having way more fun in my life, like running around on the playground with my friends versus and the amount she gets out of that versus going to a practice where I'll be honest with you, like no no shade to anyone who's a volunteer, because I know it takes so much.

Paloma: Yeah, of course, yeah. Yeah.

Danielle: They're not that fun. They're not fun. Like I would rather be on the playground too. anyways, baseball, we went into the conversation and it always starts with me saying, you know what, I'm sorry. I think this is actually blah, blah, blah, what needs to happen. And then there's times, so when I'm able to do that and admit things to them and like get out of my head that I pushed you into something.

Paloma: Yeah. Yes.

Danielle: And I'm more in the camp of like, just go try it. Because T-ball last year was really not the vibe. Maybe rookies, the next level up will be more your vibe. Maybe it'll be more fun for you. And then she did it. And I was like, OK, she's not loving it. And I got myself into a little tricky position with that because I was the team mom. So I was like, uh-oh, we can't both walk away. But I was like, yes, I can. Yes, I literally can. So it was really nice. And I was just like, hey, my daughter's not into it. Happy to continue supporting you.

Paloma: Yeah. Sorry.

Danielle: I'm not gonna do it anymore. the coach was actually so sweet. He was like, you were the best team mom I've ever seen in my years of coaching. And I was like, man, imagine if my daughter was into it. I'd be even better at it. ⁓ But it's because I'm responsive. We're responsive. Do you know how many people don't respond? It actually is crazy. ⁓ Anyways, I just love to respond to things. And I'm not even a manifesting generator. Like, why is that? It's an invitation, I guess. ⁓ So I just tell my kids, once I like,

Paloma: Yeah Exactly, yeah. Again.

Danielle: put myself back onto the we're all a human level and I let them know that I've made choices that maybe weren't the best, but I'm willing to admit it, then we can come back to, okay, she finally gets us and she'll honor this. So that way when it's time for them to actually do something, they know I really do have their best interest at play. Like in my hands is like all I want is the best for them. And those are conversations I have incessantly with my kids.

Paloma: Yeah. Yeah. 100%.

Danielle: and I tell them why, why we have to do certain things. I think that's the element parents forget sometimes, where you're just like, yeah.

Paloma: Exactly. Yeah. think that's a huge thing because we assume, again, we assume that they're not going to get it and they don't need to know why. Why wouldn't they need to know why? Like if this isn't a decision that's affecting their lives, all you got to

Danielle: Mm-hmm. tell them.

Paloma: Maybe I've told them all the details and all the ins and outs, because that would be a little too much, but tell them the real reasons that things are happening and the real reasons behind certain decisions, certain changes, certain whatever. And that's one of the biggest things that I think that...

Danielle: No.

Paloma: you and a lot of the moms that are really on this kind of frequency do is treat your kid like an adult. know, there's no, obviously not in every single way, but in the way that you communicate with them, in the way that you interact with them, and this is something that I really, really, really learned in my time working with kids with autism is like you...

Danielle: Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Right. Mm-hmm.

Paloma: always assume that they 100 % understand everything, single thing that they're gonna say. You're never gonna talk about them in front of them. You're never gonna talk to them like they're, and I don't even, to anybody, I don't like talking to kids like, hello little boy, how are you? Like, that's just not my thing. And it's just really not my thing.

Danielle: Yeah. Now, so I think. No. No. No.

Paloma: Also, at all ages, you presume competence, and you understanding, and you presume also curiosity. Kids are so curious about that kind of stuff. Because it's also like, ooh, that's like, what does that even mean? And then they get to learn new words, and they get to learn new things. And every single, remember, every single instant is a learning experience for kids.

Danielle: Yes. They're so curious, yes. Yeah. Yes. And us.

Paloma: Every single one. That's why we go back to this whole thing of like letting the kids in your school and my school just run around and let them get experiences from that, right? Because they're not learning from, or they are, but not in the most efficient way from sitting down and listening to the same lecture and looking at the board and being told what to know, right? They learn so many things organically from just

Danielle: Yeah. gonna text back. Thank Thank you.

Paloma: running around, making mistakes, saying, ⁓ that was a mistake. Maybe I'm not going to do that again. Great. That's a learning lesson. That's a learning moment, I should say, not a learning lesson. But that's where I think a lot of us in society get stuck.

Danielle: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. And I, experience of what I've been doing in my personal life of just how I work through things is open. I don't hide in my room ever about like, I don't hide my tears. I don't hide my anger. I don't hide any emotions. And while I'm in it, I let them know what's happening because they'll get this look on their face or they're like, Mom, are you OK? And I'm like, I'm OK. I'm crying because I'm sad.

Paloma: Yeah.

Danielle: but I'm okay and it's good to be okay or it's good to cry. It's good to, and I'll tell them all the time, I'm like, I'm really frustrated right now because I have shared with you guys countless times how this, this, this, this needs to happen and it happens because of this, this, this and this. And I was like, so I understand you need multiple reminders, but I really need you to start listening and stepping into it. But it's not yelling. And I think this is where,

Paloma: Yeah, and I'm letting this out. Yes. Yeah. No.

Danielle: I think parents and caregivers think that if I like drill it into them by yelling at them, it's going to click better. But that's fear, instilling fear, right? And when parents threaten to spank their kids, I'm sorry, I am going to tell you, I am very against any corporal punishment at home. It doesn't make sense.

Paloma: Yeah, yeah. Totally.

Danielle: If you're an adult male and you hit a woman when you're an adult, go, you have bad things happen to you. So why are we showing adult men hitting kids or adult women hitting kids? It doesn't make sense. It's literally the whole spanking thing to me. That's a hill I'll die on. It is not okay. It literally just regulates the nervous system. And we could totally pull science on that one and show you why it does if you need to understand like the cortisol and the adrenaline spiking and then.

Paloma: Yeah. ⁓ huh.

Danielle: And then it turns into kids wanting to hide and fear you because you're not being transparent with your feelings. I once was with somebody who told me, sorry, this is a little sidebar because I think it's really interesting when people try to justify it. They said, I never spanked when I was emotional. And I was like, then why did you do it? Well, I wanted to teach them a lesson. How does that teach someone a lesson? And then they're like, I was like, because they fear you? And they're like,

Paloma: That's interesting.

Danielle: I guess so. guess I never like peeled it down to that layer. was like, yeah, because think about it. That's the only time that you're going to stop a behavior if you're scared of someone's going to do it. But then you're not stopping it for the reason of like really, truly stopping it. You're just suppressing it.

Paloma: it. when you're not exactly, well, because we're not fully getting why it needs to change, right? And so that's where, and that's where I think a lot of parenting gets confused with authority, with like, ⁓ I'm the authority in your life. No, you definitely are there to set boundaries. You're there to help them understand the boundaries. You're there to help them understand what's right and what's not okay to ever do.

Danielle: Right, exactly.

Paloma: But you're not their authority. You're not their boss. You're their everything. You're their caretaker. You're the person that's here to hold them, right? Like what we were saying the other day, don't know what we were saying about like holding them until they're ready to fly away, right? Like you're holding them, not pushing them down. You're meant to be underneath them being like, here, I got you. I got you. Go fly. I got you. Whenever you fall, I'm right here. You're not meant to be up here above them, putting the lid down, being like, don't do that. Don't do that.

Danielle: No. Right. Yes. Yes. Yes, yes, instead of holding space, yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Right.

Paloma: either. Don't do that either. But that's the way that our society works. So that's why we think that that's the way parenting should work, right? And there's so many strong opinions out there on both sides. We are very clearly on one side. And there's so many ways you can justify either one. And this is not about justifying it. This is about thinking about how

Danielle: Yeah. No.

Paloma: the system is designed to operate and how our systems are meant to operate. And Greer Kirshenbaum has so much science about this and we've actually wanted to contact her to do like some work on like older kids and how this works for older kids where she has all the science on how nurture shapes every single thing about the baby's brain and those first kids brain in the first three years of life. And it is a game changer coming from nurture rather than coming from

Danielle: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. right?

Paloma: this, right, from authority.

Danielle: Yes, yeah. Right. And I think like when your kids become teenagers, if they have a nurtured connection and it's a secure attached connection, there's going to be less of the lying and the hiding and the wanting to like sneak around. Right. And I know this because I've actually worked with quite a few teenagers and they're just like, yeah, my parents just don't understand. I was like, here's what happens. Teenagers literally because we were all one at one point.

Paloma: Yeah.

Danielle: We literally are not able to see that our parent was ever a teenager because the biology in our brain is going through this massive pruning where it's literally designed to only know itself and like go into the world and not be fearful anymore. So then you just think you're invincible and this is why teenagers do some really risky behavior. It's because that's what they were supposed to do back in the day. Leave the tribe, go find another tribe, whatever, and then, you know.

Paloma: No, exactly. Yes.

Danielle: see what happens when that happens, know, go be on your own for a little bit. I obviously just kind of really blanket statement and summarize that really quickly. And there's always a lot more nuance and stuff going on within that. But generally speaking, that's what our brains are doing as we're teenagers. And so parents think it's like a direct dig against them, like, they don't respect me. And I'm like, that's not what's happening, though. It's not about respect or not respect. It's that their design biology is supposed to be seeing if they can handle the world and see what happens when I step out and do this big risky thing. And obviously our kids aren't living in the same world that we used to as hunters and, you gatherers back in the day. We're living different lives. Now we have cars to drive and that's why we should move the driving age back a bit because I really don't think a 16 year old is making, I didn't make very good choices at 16. I didn't know better because I thought I was invincible. So it really is a risk. to put these teenagers on the road driving, I will say that. But the whole point of this is, is we need to have a really secure attachment to our kids. And that starts by having conversations, letting them in so they can understand what's happening in our day-to-day life. And I do this with my kids all the time. I put podcasts on that I'm listening to. I've even had my daughter when she was six years old, like newly six years old,

Paloma: Yeah.

Danielle: She called me out. She was like, don't you remember what David said on his podcast? You're supposed to do blah, blah, blah. I can't remember what the thing was, but she was able to listen to a podcast like from a month ago and pull it into the context of my life and how we were handling things. And then the most important piece was I was like, you're right. Thank you for checking me. that's what takes away that authority thing, because I'm not trying to paint this picture, because I think that's what you and I grew up with. Once you become adult, you're going to know everything and there's no problem.

Paloma: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Danielle: I just thought every adult had it together because my parents did like all the things and then once I got older I was like, ⁓ my gosh, everyone's literally struggling and like we're all still figuring it out. Yeah.

Paloma: Yeah. Everybody's still figuring it out. Well, I remember I talked to my mom one time and I was like, I think I was like, I just turned 30 or something. And she's like, what does it feel to be 30? And I was like, I don't feel like an adult. Like I don't, I'm never gonna feel like an adult. I don't think I'm ever gonna feel like an adult. She's like, baby, do you think I feel like an adult? And I was like, don't you? And she was like, I don't know, in her early 60s. And she's like, no, I don't feel like an adult either. I was like, are you serious? She's like, no, nobody ever officially feels like an adult.

Danielle: Mmm. No!

Paloma: It's this ideal that we're all kind of being like, one day, you know, but when I'm 80, then I'll feel like an adult. It's like, no, probably not either, right? Because we have this idea of being an adult. That's a whole other podcast, right? It's like a whole, it's a thing. It's like this structure and this whatever. It's this ideal that we're all striving for to a certain extent that I don't know if we're ever going to reach, Slash, we probably won't, most of us.

Danielle: Hmm. What does that mean? That's actually so funny because I actually feel like I'm actually an adult right now because I feel super regulated. I feel like I've got a good situation with me and my kids going on. I feel like I'm prepared and knowing that things aren't gonna go my way. I think that's a really big piece of knowing that there's so much uncertainty in life and I'm never gonna just get to a point where like poof, everything is certain and perfect. And I think we're all wanting that so desperately. And that's what I'm teaching my kids right now is there's no such thing as like an outside certainty. It's all inside. When you have certainty on your inside and your secure inside, anything can happen around you and you're good to keep figuring out.

Paloma: That's, yeah. Yes. And again, the way to feel that. is by regulating your nervous system. If you're always in fight or flight, certainty, security in yourself, all this stuff is just not gonna happen, right? And we always say, use whatever method you like, but you have to start with the nervous system. If you use ours, that's really the one that's actually getting to the root, where you won't need the other ones as much. But do whatever you wanna do, always start with your nervous system, because truly, that's what is...

Danielle: Yeah. ⁓

Paloma: the key to everything else. It really is. And that's why so many more people are talking about it now, right? We finally, as a society, are realizing, like, oh, wow, we were really messing with our own nervous systems without knowing for so many years and just pushing through all these things that we maybe are not so great for us.

Danielle: Yeah. Right. And I do think the message right now in today's world is that we have that awareness. And then most people are telling you to take a deep breath. Most people are telling you to do ⁓ some sort of a therapy that you have to outsource out or take something. And what we're trying to share with you is that you can do this on your own. We have a guided system that walks you through it. It helps you become your own expert. And really, that's where

Paloma: Yeah.

Danielle: I think that's where we were always supposed to be, but we got really off track a long time ago with, again, where did all these things come from, the pushing of humanity into the evolution. If you really look at us though as a human species, we haven't really evolved that much. Look at the Romans to today, it's not that big of a jump. Yeah, so.

Paloma: That's. That's the whole thing. That's the whole thing. Like, can we stop thinking that we're so much better and so evolved and so above everybody? Our brain is the same as 30,000 years ago, 30,000 years ago, or 40,000, depending on which archeologist you're talking to, okay? So it's actually a long time. Like, we have to stop thinking that we're like these like super human, ⁓ no, we are so much more evolved now. Back then, they didn't know anything. Maybe they knew more, just saying.

Danielle: We're not. Got. Yeah. No. I actually think the fact that we're still quoting these philosophers from hundreds of years ago and they're still relevant today and they didn't even have Instagram. It's like, yeah, right. Yeah. Right. Right.

Paloma: Maybe they knew more. We love them. Well, the fact that we are rediscovering things that actually all these ancient traditions have known forever, like the fact that there's no science to show things about Ayurveda that are amazing, about Chinese medicine and acupuncture and all these things, like, ⁓

Danielle: We had that the whole time. Yeah. We had.

Paloma: Okay, that'll all do it. It's like, come on, are you serious? Right? And again, I do think as a society, we're getting to a point where we're not needing that anymore as much. People are trusting much more being like, you know what? There might not be that much social... I mean, sorry, there might not be that much scientific proof for that thing, but whatever. I'm just gonna do it it feels right for me, right? And if it works, it works. And that's what we always say. No, we don't have the brain scans. If you need the brain scans, this is not the program for you because we don't have the specific brain scans of which part

Danielle: You're right. If it works, Yes. Right.

Paloma: your brain is exactly changing every single time you do the movements. What we do have is hundreds of testimonials and people who have shown us time and time again that lives change. Everything gets so much easier and that's why we're here. I'm not screaming at you, I promise. This is why we are talking about this because it is truly a game changer, a life changer and that's it. Thank you for being here.

Danielle: Hey. Yeah, we're just asking. Yeah, thank you, Mike drop. And honestly, here's my here's how I feel like this could end. So you can kind of have something to land on. If you're first of all, if you're in a conversation with your child and all of a sudden you're getting triggered and you're feeling activation and you're feeling like you need to lay down the hammer, great chance to go look at why that is that that's a really big, you know,

Paloma: Yeah.

Danielle: The alarm is being sounded, that there's something in you that's being activated, that that's your first step. Go look at that. If you're feeling your kids are disrespecting you, if you're feeling like your kids are being manipulative and sneaky with you, again, go look at why you think that's happening, because that's coming back to you in whatever programs you've been running from, and that's where we say start with you. Go dig, dig deep into that and really shift it. Where did it come from? And then decide how you want it to show up instead. And then, you can bring your kids on board with you and say, hey, let's go do some fun movements together. And also just like what Paloma just said, if you're someone who's like, I don't know if I want to do this yet because I don't have enough science to prove it, that's a self-sabotage. That's already your way of like flight, of getting out of something. And we're not trying to yell at you and like demand that you do this program. We are just in the space of like, we know it will benefit everyone. And in

Paloma: Mm.

Danielle: On that note, have decided we've constantly started shifting our messaging and how we're talking to everybody. Obviously this one feels a little intense right now, I'm not gonna lie. We're coming through pretty hot with like a join our program. But we have a 28 day starter experience for our brain regurgitation program happening on April 6th. And this is where and I are going live with you three o'clock every Monday at 3pm PST. every Monday for four Mondays and we're gonna guide you through each module. So that way it's like, you're not just out there doing it by yourself and just like trying to figure it out. We're literally getting on the call. We're showing you how to do the movements. Even though our program has tons of videos on it, we're gonna like really help you step through that big leap of like getting started on it. And it's gonna be amazing because we're gonna have a community joining you. We're gonna be here live helping you through all the Q &A. Members that have already been in our program are gonna come and join it. It's a great chance for you to take all this energy that's starting to happen and shifting and for you to direct it and channel it into something of like actual tangible steps forward to transform your life. And we're just excited because it's transformed our lives. And we just want to share this with more people and hope more people can feel what we get to feel because it's liberating. So send us an email if you've got questions. I'll drop in the show notes here a link to sign up and ⁓

Paloma: Indeed. Yes. Yes.

Danielle: maybe I'll add a little promo link to it. I don't think I've done that on the podcast one. So yeah, I'll give you a promo for our 28 day starter. And that way there's less resistance to get you through. Cause our program right now is $67 a month for a year. You pay that and then you have lifetime access. So we'll give you a little, maybe like a little 10, $20. I don't know. We'll figure that out. It'll be worth it. It'll be worth it. Okay. We just decided it. All right. And also at the very end of this,

Paloma: Yeah, let's give them a promo. Let's give one up for the listeners. Yeah, let's do it. Let's do it. Great. Yes.

Danielle: We welcome you to have more conversations with your kids. Just talk about it with them. If you have questions of what that looks like and you need support, we always offer one-on-one coaching and we're always here to answer questions. Book a 15 minute call. We'll also be able to talk to you there. Have a great rest of your day. Bye.

Paloma: Peace out.