speaker-0: Hello there, I'm Pastor Toot Whitley and this is Conversion Therapy, a podcast where I help lost lambs back to the heterosexual pasture. As you may know, I myself am a reformed homosexual. In fact, I was once the manager of Tennessee's foremost BDSM dungeon, Smashville. We were famous for our hot chicken, which is what we called sounding a country twink with a bottle of Frank's Red Hot. Now the only ritualistic beatings I'm privy to is the self-flagellation I administer when I think too much about the trailer for Pillion. If I can get straight... So can you, and so can our guests for the day. Please open your hearts to Gay Vinnie Thomas. I'm so excited you're here with us, Mr. speaker-1: I'm really excited too. And can I just say, no agenda, you look really handsome. speaker-0: Wow, so when you say no Jenny, you mean there's not a flirt going? speaker-1: I'm not flirting at all. I'm just saying you look really handsome today past pastitude. You look really handsome speaker-0: That's very kind of you and you know what men can exchange compliments. That's not necessarily inherently how much speaker-1: No, it's normal and it's healthy. speaker-0: I'm so happy you're here with me today. I'm glad that you agreed to, you know, sit down and really get into this therapy. speaker-1: think I'm just ready for a big change. I think what's happening now feels a little chaotic and it just doesn't really feel like it's for me. Sometimes I look at a gay guy and I'm like, that's a separate kind of creature. Right? Like everyone's like, Vinny, you're gay, you're gay. But then I look at a gay guy and I'm like, I'm not that nor would I ever want to be that. I think so. I'm so gay, I'm past your... speaker-0: I'm not that. We're starting off in a good play. You're very game for this today. I do appreciate that. Okay, so I'm going to start off with a pretty easy question. I'm going look forward to which is, what are you looking forward to most about being straight? speaker-1: Okay, I better buckle up. I think there's gonna be something so liberating about not having to worry about washing my ass anymore. I think just going into the shower and just kind of letting the water run where it wants to run, not putting it down there, because that area, that crack, that's for my wife. speaker-0: ⁓ It's a big speaker-1: Right? Like I shouldn't be in there at all. Because even to investigate one's own, ⁓ what should we call it? Sacred crevice would be gay. That's homosexuals who wash one's speaker-0: That crack was put there so that you know Actually ⁓ a priest a fellow priest of mine once told me you know the reason why God made our butt cracks like this and not like this Because if it was like this when we went down a slide it would go Absolutely, and so there is a little humor speaker-1: Why? And you know my I had a pastor as well who used to he used to tell me you know Why butt cracks are like this not like this? Easier to slide the credit card down speaker-0: And what did that pastor say? And that is exactly right as well. Because here's the truth of it. That crack ain't for nothing but for God's looking, for holding credit cards, and for not making a sound when you go down the slide. speaker-1: Absolutely. You know what else I'm looking forward to? I'm looking forward to grabbing a banana and before I'm eating the banana, looking around to my male friends and being like, uh-oh. I'm looking forward to being like, don't anybody take a picture of me. speaker-0: Looking forward to what that may become in regards to innuendo and sort of feeling frightened of how you might be bludgeoning. speaker-1: I'm looking forward to the fear but also to the fraternity of being like, uh-oh fellas, this banana looks a little bit penis-like. speaker-0: That becomes the funniest joke, you know, and that's a really good way to bring joy in your life is that you think even that is the funniest joke. speaker-1: Yeah, exactly. And of course, fellatio is serious, dead serious. It could kill you. ⁓ speaker-0: dead soon. I mean, if you, you've heard of swallowing your tongue, about swallowing some other stuff. Tonsel AIDS is huge in the. speaker-1: Yeah. Tonsillates. Tonsil AIDS is massive in the community. Every time a guy opens his mouth, I'm like, those tonsils are probably riddled with tonsils. speaker-0: And now you don't even have to be worrying about that. speaker-1: No, absolutely not. Or at least, I hope not to be. speaker-0: Wow, all right. You know, I have some really, I'm feeling very impressed by you right now. There's a short road to a long life in the kingdom of heaven. So how gay would you say you are on a scale of Steve Irwin to Temple Grandin? speaker-1: ⁓ my gosh. I would say on a scale of Steve Irwin to Temple Grandin, I am Jane Goodall. OK. Right. I'm almost Temple Grandin, but not quite there. I'm sitting with the apes. Right. I'm sitting with the apes. The apes are gay guys. And I'm observing them. I'm watching as they bite each other and groom each other. I'm watching as they play around with each other's feces. But I'm mostly an observer. Right. I'm there to study. speaker-0: I mean, of course. You're there to study. You're not there to join in. No. speaker-1: No, no, and they try, you know, they come up to me with their little hands. They try to groom me and I say, I said, don't don't touch me. Don't touch me. And they, you know, they they're constantly trying to they're always doing this. Exactly. And the signs are like, please fuck me. And I have. Don't want to do. I don't know if I'm quite Temple Grandin, right? Temple Grandin. ⁓ She was. ⁓ speaker-0: Yeah, they're making signs to you. Yeah, please fuck. Banana, banana. speaker-1: She was so gay she had to euthanize animals and I just don't know if I'm... You ever been so gay you had to kill a heifer? speaker-0: You know what, I think people find that often, sort of when they have a boyfriend who's a bear and give him a little bit too much to drink. speaker-1: ⁓ my gosh. Yeah, I wish I could just run my big boyfriend through a shoot and bolt him in the head. I've been there. Get a nice side of beef off. speaker-0: See you're more like Temple Grandin than maybe you first thought. speaker-1: Yeah, I'd say so now that I'm thinking about it. I'm like I would euthanize a big gay guy But only because I love them so much. know what mean? It's like because of my love for you. I'm going to make it I'm gonna make it nice quiet and peaceful speaker-0: Exactly bring the end quickly calmly safely and kindly speaker-1: Yeah. ⁓ A moo on his lips. speaker-0: on his lips till he cow. speaker-1: I'm moo on his lips. speaker-0: And that is beautiful. So I was doing some research on you to make sure I was ⁓ familiar with your case before you came in today. My files say that the bird that delivered you was not a stork but a male peacock. Do you think that that might have contributed to your homosexuality? speaker-1: yeah, I do think it informed a lot of my persona. Whenever I'm at the gay clubs, Akbar or whatever, you know, I'm in there like, speaker-0: Yeah, speaker-1: kind of throwing my ass up in the air, really trying to find a man, but it's not, it doesn't always click. Do know what I mean? It's like, on the one hand, I was raised by this big flamboyant kind of faggy chicken when really I should have been raised by a stork, dropped off by a stork, which is among the straightest of the waterfowl. ⁓ And yeah, I would agree. Yeah. But look, at least it could have been much worse. It could have been a woodpecker. speaker-0: Absolutely. Absolutely. Right. I feel that that is it's probably up there in one of the woods. You don't want probably alongside, ⁓ a flamingo. But I think woodpecker and maybe what you just to split. Yeah. That's something to be avoided. Okay. And what do you think will be the toughest obstacle for you on your journey to straightness? ⁓ speaker-1: ⁓ absolutely. the toughest obstacle I think for me is going to be figuring out kind of how to talk to women. Right? And I've been practicing a little bit like, ahoy bitch, you know, ahoy bitch. Just kind of greeting the woman in a way that is standoffish enough that she'll be attracted to me. Indifference is super, I'm trying to work on being indifferent to women because I love them. speaker-0: ⁓ Indifference is important. speaker-1: so much. So I guess that's something I need to work on is disliking women in order to be attracted to them sexually. speaker-0: Yeah, to like a woman you have to... can't love her. speaker-1: You can't love her, right? If you're gonna be attracted to women, have to, first of all, you dislike them. And so that's something I'm working on because I'm such a lamb. I'm such a Moriah Carey lamb. speaker-0: Mm-hmm. Well, you know what? It's good to know that you have a proclivity towards some types of women and I feel that our masculinity coach will probably work with you on that later in this session. Mm-hmm. It's good to know that that's up there for you. But right now, just to make sure I understand exactly where we're starting from so we can get to where we're going, I'm gonna have us do a couple of exercises. So the first exercise is finish this sentence. speaker-1: Yeah, light skin singers. you. Work. speaker-0: I'll give you well so we're already off to a bad start. It's OK. Old habits die hard. ⁓ no. It's OK. Yeah. speaker-1: I'm so sorry. Sometimes I just say work. It just falls out of my mouth like marbles. I know know I'll see work in slaying boots. I don't even know what fuck I'm saying. It just comes out of my fucking mouth. Yeah, doesn't even fucking mean anything. Sometimes I say boots. say boobs. Yeah, I say boobs the house down. No one even fucking notices. I'm not even speaking languages. I'm just making noises. speaker-0: Yeah. We're gonna get you out of there sweetheart, okay? ⁓ I know it's hard. We're starting from a hard place. It's when we make a big change sometimes we gotta really feel how hard it is to break through the soil before we can blossom into a flower. Okay, so we're gonna play finish this sentence. So I'll give you the first half of the sentence and then you're gonna complete it. Okay. All right. Yep. On Sundays, I... speaker-1: Noise is like a forest fucking pig Bust them wide open. I'm being honest. I'm sorry. On Sundays sometimes I bust them wide open. But I should do something else. On Sundays I sleep in church. speaker-0: Okay, okay, you're being honest. I mean it is the day you rest. Okay, well, if you're going to go to church, you should stay awake, but we're getting better. We're getting close. Yes. Okay. ⁓ Next sentence. When I sin, I always tell. speaker-1: him to slow down because it's getting a little rough. speaker-0: Okay. Again, I'm happy with the honesty. I'm sorry. You don't have to apologize. It's this is how we understand where you're coming from. I could tell you want to change and you're just telling me where you're starting out. Okay. Let's, let's do the next. Yeah. Prayer is a conversation between myself and. speaker-1: Jesus. speaker-0: And that is very good! And actually that leads me into the next one. My favorite of Jesus's qualities is... speaker-1: His hair... speaker-0: Yeah, you know that one's wrong already. ⁓ speaker-1: ⁓ I love his hair better too. But that's, I like, I don't like his hair. I like that his hands are dirty from blue collar labor. speaker-0: Okay, so you like his hair and his hands. That's all right. That's all right. We're getting a real sense of where you're at. Okay. When I think of pride, I think of... speaker-1: He's pretty gay. Big ol' pot of soup. And all of the ingredients in the soup is gay. speaker-0: Okay. We started out strange, but not wrong. And we kind of found ourselves back to homosexual, but that's okay. Okay. The gag is good. Okay. And that is the correct form of gag. We don't do the other gag in here. I use the Bible when speaker-1: When I see pride, think. not pestered toot. I got this. What I wanted to say was I need to reach a higher shelf. But what I should say is when I'm feeling lost. speaker-0: Okay, that's good. That's very good. Only one more. The body of Christ makes me feel hot. Okay, so we're back at the, that's all right. We have another exercise here. This exercise is called, Richer Man. I'm gonna present to you man and you tell me which one in your opinion is richer. speaker-1: practice. Is Richard? speaker-0: is richer, like richer in spirit, richer in joy. It's not just to clarify, you're not telling me which one of these men is rich. speaker-1: Absolutely. I'm telling you, I could identify Richard from a mile away. speaker-0: Okay, a man with three beautiful children or a man with three tickets to Lady Gaga's mayhem ball? Which is richer? I mean, which races came to mind first for you? speaker-1: What race are the children? with three children is what I would say except Lady Gaga's tickets are so expensive speaker-0: And there we go. Yeah, they're very expensive. guess a rich man would need a... A man with a community behind him or a man with the backseat of a Prius behind him. speaker-1: Next question. Okay. I'm sorry Is the community in a line behind him? I would say that. I think there's something beautiful about the whole community being behind you and kind of waiting their turn. There's something beautiful about. Yeah, you're you're waiting there and then the whole community is like a line outside of your door. Waiting for their turn. speaker-0: ⁓ okay. Something beautiful about order. waiting for you. Okay, waiting for their turn to go into your house. Community's at your door. You're inviting the whole community to your house. What are they waiting for in this example for you? Okay, okay, okay. Okay, and I believe this is the last one. A man with a beautiful wife or a man in a polycule with two Zara employees. And that is beautiful. speaker-1: Beautiful life. speaker-0: You are doing so well. You know, there were some bumps there, but that is to be expected. And we do have our work cut out for us. So luckily I've invited a friend and heterosexuality expert, Skid Beef, to join us after this short break. ⁓ speaker-1: I'm sorry, guys. speaker-0: You're ready, Thomas. Nice to meet you, man. Thanks for coming by. Sorry I'm late. I was buying a, okay, there's a little limp. I was buying an NFT of Sidney Sweeney cutting off Gloria Steinem's head, and that took a bit to negotiate. But I'm here now. It was nice to meet you. I'm doing work with Toot this morning. I'm under the impression of, you're trying to find your way into the kingdom of God, so. speaker-1: ⁓ It's wonderful to meet you as well. A lot of work with 2D, handsome. I'm trying to unlock the door and step inside. I'm trying to do a little house tour and I'm trying to buy a place. Okay. In the kingdom of heaven. Mm-hmm. I'm trying to get up there. I'm trying to make it my own. I'm trying to get up to heaven, in a corner, and claim it is my own. speaker-0: And now that's something I could get behind. You know, being in the corner, I could get behind that. speaker-1: Interesting. When you say get behind, can you just? No, no, absolutely not. ⁓ Yeah, you said you said get behind. speaker-0: I can see where we're going wrong already. We're gonna get you away from all that gay stuff. We're gonna manipulate your mind into thinking that that's bad. And the stuff that I do, and that's ultimately what's gonna get you in the kingdom of heaven. speaker-1: Thank you. Sharding. Is good. Yeah. You know? And is that the name of the school you went to? speaker-0: Yeah, it was an art school in the Southampton. speaker-1: Sal Hampton's art school. That's wonderful. Thank you. Mr. Reef, proud graduate of Chart. Go Chartletons! ⁓ speaker-0: That's me. Go sharkletin'. I heard that you're struggling particularly with impure thoughts regarding big testicles. speaker-1: Yeah, man, I am up night after night. I'll often close my eyes and I'll have nightmares ⁓ about being like I'll imagine my bed is a big pair of them speaker-0: Like a giant bean bag with two beans. speaker-1: in a bagel bean bag with two beans in it and I'm drowning in the skin because of course the skin is so soft and loose and I'm just getting kind of tangled up in it and I'm like ⁓ no this nut sack I'm drowning in this nut sack and then I wake up completely out of breath and of course I'm rock hard and so I'm just hoping to have new dreams that's what I want is I want a new dream a better dream yeah speaker-0: No, we're gonna work on that with today. speaker-1: I want to dream about my wife. ⁓ And maybe she drinks raw milk and she has huge jugs and ⁓ there's nothing going on up there. speaker-0: Well, I think we could make that happen for you, Mr. Thomas. speaker-1: Hey, where are you from originally? speaker-0: here and there. So as you may know, I am your masculinity coach, Skid Beef, and I'm gonna get you tapped into your warrior instincts back into God's crisis in no time, all right? So we're gonna start, and we see that that could be wrong, right? Yeah, the only thing a man should ever do with his hands is touch his penis, eat his steak, and slam it in the car door. speaker-1: What? ⁓ my god, the snap. The only thing man should do with his hands is eat his penis, touch his steak, slam it into a cartouche. speaker-0: Eat a steak, touch his penis. speaker-1: Yeah, only thing a man should do is touch a steak with his penis slam on a car door Only man should do is slam his penis in a car door touch a steak eat his penis eat his penis in a car door slam his Slam his dick in a car door speaker-0: might be harder than I originally thought. feel like we're tripping up right at the starting line. That's okay. We're going to get into our first exercise, which is some role play. And I'm not talking about the one I do with my wife where she's Judge Judy and I'm myself. This is to fortify your defenses against homosexual attacks. I'm going to pretend to be a homosexual man trying to pick you up at a bar. Yeah. And I want you to. Okay. speaker-1: I'm so sorry. Okay. Fudge. Okay. Yeah. Checkmate. Perfect. Yes. speaker-0: You're already looking a little cute and sort of, okay. Let's all, let's all see. speaker-1: I thought this was we're supposed to make it realistic. It is real. Yes. OK, well, this is what I'm like. OK. speaker-0: smirking. Okay. Hi there. What are you drinking? You're drinking a big glass of speaker-1: Milk. Milk? Yeah, I'm drinking a vodka milk. Okay. speaker-0: Can I get one more those and one for me please? No problem. Well, I'm from the city. I am being the country round here in a minute. ⁓ speaker-1: Thank you. Where are from, handsome? Wow, I love the city. Can I gape you out in the bathroom? speaker-0: Can you, okay, I'm gonna pause this, gape. speaker-1: Me out? How can I gape you out in the bathroom? I just had a glass of milk. I'm ready to gape someone out. Okay. speaker-0: Hey, you're supposed to be rejecting me. know, the devil is going to tempt you in the form of homo. It's fancy. Mm I can tell maybe straight from the smirk that you were maybe you were like practicing as opposed to. speaker-1: I'm sorry, I got confused. I got confused. Well, I got really into it. You were hitting me at the bar and you me a vodka milk. It's like, that's code for you want to get gaped out in the bathroom. speaker-0: ⁓ I want you to find a way to reach inside yourself and say I don't want this get away from All right, you ready Okay, I'm gonna start this one this time. I'm gonna be approaching you at a spa Rose Okay, and I'm in a mall food court. Okay, okay speaker-1: Okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. ⁓ The pizzas smell good. speaker-0: Yeah, the pizza does smell good. You, uh, you a fan of... pepperoni? speaker-1: No, I'm a vegetarian. speaker-0: Okay, I get it. Vegetarian, ⁓ I have some friends who are vegetarian too. speaker-1: That's amazing. Hey, we'll keep you out in the bathroom real quick. Okay We have so much in common. No, we have so much in common speaker-0: I'm gonna pause this. I didn't even say I was a vegetarian. said I had some friends who are friends speaker-1: We have so much in common cuz you got friends who are vegetarian you clearly wanted me to go gape you out in the bathroom real quick speaker-0: Nah. I tried to pick a non-sexual environment in hopes of making this easier for you found a way to ask if you I want to get my get myself gaped out in the bathroom and Sparrow's pizza in a mouth speaker-1: You didn't even see what you did. This is what you did. I got a lot of friends who vegetarian. I got a lot of friends who vegetarians. And I wanted to go gape your Cajun ass out right then and there in the bathroom. speaker-0: VEGETARIUM? I understand how my masculinity could be perceived as sexual. have a lot of concerted masculine energy. refuse to masturbate. hold semen in my balls for a hundred day time period. I understand. And I need you to fight against that temptation. That's why you're here. Ain't it? speaker-1: Right. Yeah. hard. speaker-0: marketing again. Okay we're gonna try one more time. Now what's the least sexual environment you could think of? speaker-1: Okay? Chip and Joanna Gaines section at Target. Okay. speaker-0: So that's where we are. Yes. And I'm looking at I'm imagining that's homewares. OK, I'm looking at a candle that's in the shape of a banana or something like that. OK, it's in shape of a banana. Good God. OK, I'm looking at a candle in the shape of a shape of a coconut. OK, on the candle in the of a coconut. Yes. Hey, I'm thinking of getting this coconut candle make my room smell good. You want to come over and smell it sometime? speaker-1: Yeah. Good. You're asking me to come over to your room? Okay. We are roleplaying right Okay, sorry, sorry, sorry. need you to- We're roleplaying. We're roleplaying. Okay. speaker-0: Reject me, deny me! Okay, you wanna come smell my coconut candle in my room and look at my dick in my balls, yes sir? speaker-1: No, no, I don't want to go to your room. I don't want to go to your room. Okay. Because the bathroom is way closer. I could gape you out real quick in the bathroom. speaker-0: and why. Okay, okay, you know what? We're gonna move on. Yeah, you know you did a bad job there. I don't even need to talk ⁓ it. We're gonna move on to our next exercise. That one didn't really seem to be working the way that I would hope. speaker-1: Yeah, I didn't work it, you know. speaker-0: Let's switch gears, alright? Instead of thinking about how to reject a homosexual man, let's talk about what you want to attract. So, what are the qualities of your ideal woman? speaker-1: She is, ⁓ she's got a good heart and she's super nice. Okay. And she doesn't want to touch a lot, but she's super fun to like gossip with. And she's got a nose ring and short haircut. ⁓ Pretty hairy. Okay. speaker-0: So you're describing a lesbian woman. At first I thought maybe you were describing like an older sister type. Kind of weird but no it's- speaker-1: spending time with them. And an art major. Fully. describing a lesbian. The person I'm imagining is wearing a lot of Carhartt. They're in a couple sports leagues, like for other adults around their age. They love Doc Martin platform loafers. speaker-0: Okay, so I'm seeing a problem here. I'm trying to get you to describe a type of woman to me that you could potentially fornicate with, that you could marry, you could have a child with, that you could walk into the kingdom of heaven with after you both die for many long years. speaker-1: Yeah. Okay, sorry. So I should be imagining more like Christian. Yeah. speaker-0: You need a woman who again you shouldn't like her you should Should like you My ideal woman have big boob long hair smell like my mom ⁓ So I'm married I have a big life with my wife. We have ⁓ one of them beds that it's a circle speaker-1: Yeah. No, no, no. Yeah. She. Yeah, she's obsessed with me. ⁓ right, and are you married? Alright. Yeah. Big life. Water. speaker-0: And there's water in there. And then when we're having sex, it's sort of like she's she's sort of like thinking about like, yeah, like remember what was like when she was in college. speaker-1: Leaving. Married that time. She's like looking aside like this. And she's just getting like shoved up and down. That's it. And she rolling her eyes. speaker-0: Yeah, we're not even we're not making And she's thinking about how she's gonna go to the mall next day with her friends and that's like a lot of her life and our kid and grazing kids and I's and I'm thinking about mmm, this person's smelling like my mommy a little bit and that's what I'm thinking about. Okay, so I need you to think about your idea. Okay, Can't be a lesbian. speaker-1: Okay. me think for a second. She's not a lebsin. She's not a lebsin. Yes. She's my ideal woman is wearing ankle length jean dress. Okay. Ankle length jean dress. She's got a lot of she's got kind of a pile of curly hair that she hasn't really cut. Oh, okay. of. Yeah, sort of a bookish type. She's got 19 kids and counting and speaker-0: you Are you referencing the Duggars on DLC? The Mormon woman? speaker-1: Well, not Mormon, but yes, I think the woman I'm imagining is the matriarch of the Duggar family for sure. She smiles like this a lot. Yeah, good for you. Gaper out. speaker-0: The 19 kids... You're looking for that. Okay, a lot of gaping going on. speaker-1: Yeah, right? Get a grip. Get a grip. Who are you talking to? Get a grip with, cut it out. Whoever's doing that. speaker-0: So this wife you've described, what does she do for you? speaker-1: Um, she like, sews my britches back together. She sews my britches. She makes me Salisbury steaks. She makes me Salisbury steaks. She, ⁓ I don't know, massages my feet. When we have company over, she puts fruit in jello molds. When it's Fourth of July, she does like little origami George Washington's. Yeah, she. speaker-0: Okay, so she has passion. speaker-1: She sometimes she makes meatloaf, meatballs, Salisbury steaks, burgers. ⁓ She's kind of a real ground beef, salt of the earth ground beef kind of bitch. she what else? She loves dancing with the stars, but she won't. Once they take their shirts off, she turns it off. ⁓ yeah. And we sleep in a bed. ⁓ speaker-0: the year. Oh yeah, woman of the Lord, appreciate that. speaker-1: that it is it's not a waterbed, but it is got water in it. It's not a waterbed. just put the sheet. We soak the sheets before we sleep. OK. speaker-0: Beats are way. speaker-1: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want a real meat sandy. Yeah. Yeah, okay. speaker-0: A real meat sandy. You know what, think we could do that for you. If you were to have the opportunity to go out with a meat sandy, what kind of date would you take her on? speaker-1: I would take her to Dave and Buster's and she would watch me play the Spongebob coin machine. Okay. speaker-0: Hmm. Hey, immediately to the gayest game in the arcade. speaker-1: What? That's not true. speaker-0: You could have said basketball, could have said a shooting game. Hell, even DDR is exercise. speaker-1: DDR dick dick repeat. I don't think so must have your fucking mind speaker-0: You're telling me push it little coins into a slot? by a sponge with a homosexual, who's in a homosexual relationship with a starfish? speaker-1: homosexual you're making your casting aspersions and making assumptions and it's your job to help people just because spongebob appears a feminine does not make him homosexual speaker-0: Help him if he came to me. If he came to me he said, help me, help me get away from, let me get in on Sandy Cheeks. I'm gonna get away from, let me get in on Sandy Cheeks. Let me get away from Patrick Starr. I'm changing my ways, help me out. Mr. Krabs and his daddy. speaker-1: Let me get in on Sandy Cheeks. Okay, I will take her somewhere else. What if I took her to the pumpkin patch? Very good. I take her to the pumpkin patch and I make her pick pumpkins. Pick a pumpkin. Yeah, it's not like a tourist spot. mean like an actual agricultural, like it's a pumpkin patch. Oh yeah. And she's with the laborers picking pumpkins. And I'm watching from a rattan chair. I'm wearing a straw hat, sipping kind of like mint julep. Mint julep or sangria. speaker-0: That's very. maker. and sort of a straw. Let's move on to some value chants. are basically affirmations but for men. So please repeat after me. I do not want to kiss men. speaker-1: Okay Man. I do not want to kiss men. I'm sorry. That's okay. I'm sorry, Mr. Beef. speaker-0: And you do see how that... You see how that maybe came off as a disingenuous. speaker-1: Yeah, I do not want to kiss men. I do not. speaker-0: Okay, we'll move on. What? You're smirking again for the audience at home. I want to get hair plugs in Turkey. speaker-1: I don't. I want to get hair plugs in Turkey. I want it down. I want to get hair plugs in Turkey. speaker-0: Are you trying? There we go. Very good. Are you OK? ⁓ You're taking these really hard, I want... speaker-1: I want to get... speaker-0: Okay, how about this one? about this one? I do not want to have a John Waters movie marathon. speaker-1: I do not want to have a John Waters movie marathon. speaker-0: Okay. For the audience at home, there's been a, there's a small pile of make on the floor after many times it's sort of object a little bit, that's fine. We're going to keep it pushing. Part of this is that the therapy ain't always easy. I want. speaker-1: I don't speaker-0: I want to ask a woman on the bus to take out her headphones to talk to me. speaker-1: I want to ask a woman on the bus to take her headphones off to talk to me. speaker-0: Okay, so felt easier to do it when you were Italian. Okay, well, he's Italian, ain't he? Okay. speaker-1: gonna do walking. Yeah. Walk in on me gaping you out in the bathroom. speaker-0: Okay, let's move to the next one. I do not want to have a signature scent. speaker-1: do not want to have a signature scent. Good job. Unless the scent is sage or something tasteful like a citrus or something no no no no something meat unless the scent is ham unless the scent is iberico ham okay then I want a signature scent okay unless the scent is pussy speaker-0: Okay, and that's not where I thought we were going. Okay, maybe not. The way you said it made it sound... speaker-1: I wanna smell like pussy. Somehow. smell pussy. speaker-0: I want to have one soaking wet hand towel in the bathroom. speaker-1: Well, that's I have that now. That's not even. We're not. guess. Yeah, I guess I'm Batman, the Joker. I would love to have one soaking wet hand towel in the bathroom. OK. Yeah, we'd love it. speaker-0: different you. I'm gonna joke your Batman situation. Yeah, I'd say. Okay, and you were able to do that. Do you have any affirmations of your own that you'd like to add? Either things you want to rid yourself of or things you want to bring into your life? speaker-1: I want a big dog. Big poorly trained dog. Okay. No, he used to be, he's a German Shepherd, he used to be a cop. Okay. And I saved him. I respect that. They were gonna put him down because he's too racist. Okay. And I took him. speaker-0: Okay. He's not training. that's that's a problem for the police usually ⁓ from my experience i kind of love that so yeah you got speaker-1: good one then well the thing is they usually do love it but every now and then one crosses the line and they're like this dog has to be even for us they have to put him down and I saved him okay yeah yeah and maybe he's missing an eye where's an eye patch ⁓ speaker-0: So you want to have a big poorly trained racist dog. not bad she sort of has an air of mystery. speaker-1: I would also love to, I'd love to use dude wipes. I don't know what they're for. I don't understand the branding, the branding. ⁓ but I would love to try to kind of figure it out. Right. speaker-0: I mean, actually, I think I overheard you saying to toot. We don't even know what's back there. We're not dealing with what's back there, but you could use a dude wipe, I guess, to, you know, I sometimes use them to clean off my hands after I'm working on a car. Sometimes I use them to wipe off my tongue when I said something too nice about my wife. And from time to time, I've used a dude wipe. I keep my pocket and so my pocket gets all wet. So I know what it feels like to have a hard day. speaker-1: Yeah. Okay, perfect. Yeah. And I use them to stop everything up after getting caked out. speaker-0: Okay, I think we did whatever we could for you today. And we're gonna check back in with you in six months. I'm have Toot bring you back in. And we're gonna see how your prolonged therapy may help you into the kingdom of God. speaker-1: ⁓ Okay speaker-0: Welcome back, it's been six long months and we're here to check in with Vinnie Thomas, who when we last saw him was obsessed with talking about gaping holes. And I believe we've made some good progress. Please everyone welcome the new, improved, the straight Vinnie Thomas. speaker-1: I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Sorry. One second. So sorry. One second. My wifey stuck in the garage. Wifey goes, she can't do this. You know, she gets in the garage. She doesn't know how to open it. She's got a new controller. She's got to figure out how to get out. She calls me. She's like, how do I get out of the garage? You know, and I'm like, wife, wifey, beautiful wifey, you know, just hit the buttons, open the door, get out of the garage. You know what I mean? She bounces around in there like a fly. No, baby. No, baby. I love you, baby. I love you, baby. Just get hit the button, baby. Hit the button, babe. Babe hit the button. Babe! Hit the button! Alright bye. speaker-0: actually really good. Wow a while? In six months you got a while? speaker-1: Yeah, I get a wife. I did didn't take long. You know, I was on hinge. I first of all, changed my life around, know, I used to be a comedian whatever the hell that means, you know, used to be a comedian. I really started getting into investment really started to invest really started to apply myself. I got a job at Primerica. Wow. I'm selling insurance sort of recruiting other people. And honestly, if you're looking for employment, too, it would be a really good bet because what it is kind of like this beautiful triangular system, right? Where you get someone and you get someone else. You guys are just selling insurance really beautiful way. Other thing I'm doing is I'm flipping fertility clinics. No, I'm just flipping them over. Okay. Yeah. Flipping them over into empty lots. And then from there, ⁓ you know, whatever we want, you know, maybe a fun bar, fun pub, kind of a Barlui situation, chilly situation. don't really know. Thank you so much. I I got two kids by the way. It's two kids, two little tots running around. Yeah. speaker-0: Wow, flipping them from fertility clinics into. pretty awesome. Two kids in six months. What were their names? Tatum Erie. speaker-1: Tatum and Crater. Love those guys. Absolutely. They kind of came with the whole package. Wifey had a couple kids. Wifey had a couple kids, but previous relationship made a couple mistakes. But I love those guys. speaker-0: bother you at all or you accept there's children like there you're speaker-1: I accept them like they're my own, honestly. Tatum, Tatum's in some ballerina classes. Tatum's learning how to be a ballerina. You know, sometimes we get into arguments. You know, we get into arguments. They'll say, you're not my dad, get the hell out of my house. Get the hell out of my house, twink. Like, they'll say that kind of stuff to me, but you know, I love those guys. Love those little tykes. speaker-0: Wow, okay, so things are feeling really wonderful for you these days. Now, I wanna go back to the insurance there for a minute. So you have all sorts of ventures going for you. You said that you first started in stocks. What were you investing in in the beginning there that helped kick off this new venture? speaker-1: Yeah, I was really investing ⁓ heavily into and thank you for asking investing heavily into sweet potatoes. Obviously the soybean market is collapsing the tariffs and all that. So really investing heavily into the sweet potato market, but also looking forward, right? Looking into the future and what the projections are going to look like there. I'm looking at the NASDAQ, looking at the Dow, looking at Patty May and Freddie Flack. And I'm just kind of looking at all those things and trying to figure out what the next step is, what the new thing is. And I have been doing a lot of cryptocurrency as well. Big thing right now is this scum coin. Scum coin speaker-0: scum coin. Okay. And that is a coin backed by what? speaker-1: Plus coin actually backed by pond scum. Pond scum is course just really, really prolific resource right now, obviously in the United States. I think a lot of people aren't really capitalizing on harnessing it as coinage. yeah, just kind of doing that, hanging with wifey, we're going on some great trips. speaker-0: Wow, that's great. You've been traveling together where you've been going. speaker-1: We've been going a lot of places. They just took her to to the Cape I Took her to the Cape Cape is a it's beautiful magic club All these guys are kind of doing fun little tricks. My wife is there obviously and we're holding hands and stuff We're really enjoying it really good time to get away and relax. Obviously we're doing super well in life Really? It's you know, we're operating on greased wheels. So speaker-0: ⁓ wow, took her to the Cape, that's nice. Absolutely. I mean it sounds like you really turned your life around things seem very different for you now in the best possible way Children a wife a new business. I mean sounds like you're really walking in the path of the speaker-1: Yeah, things are great. And you know the great thing is I think I'll be able to see him even sooner. speaker-0: ⁓ see, who even s- speaker-1: I think I'll probably be able to see the Lord even sooner. Okay. Yeah, because I am suicidal. Yeah, but in the best way, you know what I mean? I got my wife right there next to me. I'm like, I'm right there. ⁓ And you know, you know, she's always telling me hang in there, you know, another day, another day, you got to make their little tater top breakfast or whatever. And you know what? I love it, man, because what I get to shake hands with the big man upstairs. speaker-0: Okay. Okay, so, well, you know, I mean, it did really seem like you were coming in here with revved up energy and people say you kind of have ⁓ accelerated energy when you're getting closer to the end of your life. speaker-1: Definitely, you know, I've got a list of things I want to do. Life is short. Someone's always telling myself. I'm constantly reminding myself I'm like waking up and life is so short. And so what do I want to do with it? Right. I love to hike the peaks. I love to hike Kilimanjaro. at Fuji before I kind of make the big trip upstairs to a play pool with Christ. speaker-0: So what exactly, where are those thoughts coming from? The thoughts of kind of ending it all? Are you missing things from your previous life? What would you say you would need to reincorporate to perhaps make this life a little more... speaker-1: I think it's a bad thing to do. don't think it's a bad thing at all. think this life is like, you know, it's all ephemeral or whatever you ever think about that, too. It's kind of like just day after day after day. It's just same thing. You're just eating so you can make shit. You ever think about here? You're just eating so you can make shit for another day and you got to drink water every day so you can make more piss just to make it to the next day. And so really, you're just eating and pissing and shitting until the very end. And one of those one of those shits is gonna be your last shit. It's gonna be your ultimate shit. ⁓ Before that you're gonna have the penultimate shit and then after that, excuse me, had a big old burger. After that you're gonna be headed right upstairs to see God. speaker-0: Okay, so you don't seem too worried about these potential suicidal thoughts. Feels more like something you're racing towards. ⁓ speaker-1: What's invigorating, what I do is I take that energy, that suicidal energy, and I go home and me and wifey, have, I don't want to brag, we have some pretty heavy marital experiences. speaker-0: Wow, marital experiences. well, mean, we are obviously I'm not trying to get you to ⁓ tell me anything you don't feel comfortable with, but I'd love to know what those marital experiences might be. speaker-1: Of course, I'll tell you day in and day out what they are. They're pretty amazing. Obviously, within the context of marriage, that's when you're really supposed to experiment and have fun. Absolutely. That's your gift. That's your gift for waiting so long. So what we like to do a fun game is she injects me with an anesthetic that knocks me clean out. And then there's a kind of a caulk. You know what caulk is? speaker-0: Yeah, like what you use to fill cracks in your bathtub and the wall. speaker-1: ⁓ she pumps that right down my urethra. until I'm as big as she wants me and then we just kind of, you know, I didn't want to brag but obviously we figure it out. We're having sex that is very prodigious ⁓ and you know afterwards I look at her I say stellar job, you know, and sometimes I'm even awake during it and I'm like, this is wonderful. Our sex, you're doing stellar. Wow. you are doing a stellar job at sex. Gold star for you. speaker-0: Okay, so you sort of have a gold star demerit point system for sex in the bedroom. That's kind of... speaker-1: Absolutely, we're giving each other quarterly reports, ⁓ big long printouts about how we think we did, how we think we could improve. My printout's obviously little longer than hers. A lot of times she just kind of has to lay there. ⁓ it's something we're working on, something we're tooling around with. speaker-0: You know, I will I do have to say you sound very enthusiastic. There's a bit of a light missing in your eyes ⁓ Have you been taking any time to yourself? speaker-1: Let me tell you, what you're describing is the light missing in my eyes. That was the twink sparkle, I think was what drew a lot of men to me back when I was doing that, which, know, crazy thing to do, but obviously kids can be kids. But obviously when that goes away, when the twink inside you dies, it's visible. And so what I have now in lieu of that is kind of a glazed over, you look in my eyes, you kind of see the fog of a. speaker-0: Yeah. Yeah, fuck wars or slack jaw, thousand yard stare. speaker-1: slacks glad you brought up slacks they just bought them as wonderful stellar pair of chinos from the Nordstrom rack can't afford the real Nordstrom but the racks great just for something quick you just want to grab some quick before you go on a trip wifey's family's very rich I'll say speaker-0: Absolutely. ⁓ that's nice. So you're sort of combining assets. That's probably good. ⁓ wow. That's your wife, you know. Her name. That's okay. speaker-1: Yeah, Trump's youngest daughter. Yeah, I forget her name. I forget her name. But yeah, she's Trump's youngest daughter. She's my beautiful wife and she's always getting trapped in the garage like a bug. I don't know what that is. She's always getting trapped in the garage. She always runs toward the garage light. I'm like, lift up the garage, hit the button, get out of there. not the brightest bird in the flock, but that's my beautiful girl. love her. Beautiful girl. speaker-0: Okay, well, I mean, despite the loss of the twink spark sparkle, ⁓ you're flexing a lot there. Pretty strong. ⁓ Some leftover caulk in those muscles. speaker-1: I've been going to planet Fitty. And just kind of, yeah, just kind of really going to town. Yeah, stuff. speaker-0: Yes. On the stuff you've been running on. meal, lifting weights, steam room. speaker-1: of fluid. speaker-0: ⁓ you don't go in there. speaker-1: steam. speaker-0: Okay, well, sounds like you've been doing pretty well. speaker-1: Thank you, thank you man, appreciate it. You you changed my life for the better and I'm never gonna forget you. speaker-0: I really do appreciate that. Before you go, from time to time, I like to offer as a gift for undergoing this conversion therapy for the guests such as you, Mr. Thomas. Do you still go by Vinnie Thomas? speaker-1: Actually, I by Vince. Vince now. speaker-0: Vince, okay, Vince Thomas, Mr. Vince Thomas, is if you have any sort of programs, comedic or otherwise, movies, television shows that you've been enjoying recently that you think the listeners at home may wanna enjoy, anything you wanna plug or speak to, I'd be more than happy to hear it. I do indeed. speaker-1: Do you mean this earnestly? All right, Platonic on Apple TV Plus. You can see me there, it's a good one for me. ⁓ But also just TV shows I've been enjoying in general. speaker-0: is a good one for you. Shows that maybe you're enjoying that are comedic, that maybe someone who looks sort of like you but isn't you is on. speaker-1: ⁓ there we go. Thank you so much. Yeah. Platonic on Apple TV plus. You're cordially invited on Amazon prime. and, ⁓ yeah, let's start there. You could also follow me on Instagram and, ⁓ Tik TOK at V I N N underscore a Y Y. speaker-0: Very nice, okay. Well, thank you so much for coming on. Thanks for starting a new. speaker-1: Take you to the bathroom and gape you out real quick. No, no. Fuck.