speaker-0: ⁓ Hi there, I'm Pastor Toot Whitley and this is Conversion Therapy, a podcast where I help lost lambs back to the heterosexual pasture. As you may know, I myself am a reformed homosexual. In fact, much like Jesus once miraculously multiplied five loaves of bread to feed 5,000, I once starred in an amateur pornography called Baker's Dozen. Cox, wherein 13 famous travelers had nothing to subsist on but my buns. Now the only bread I handle is the zucchini nut loaf I sell at church bake sales. So if I can get straight, So can you. And so can our guest. Please open your hearts to gay Janssen Titus. Hi there Janssen. It's going well. It's going well. How about you? speaker-1: Hey, to how's it going? I'm good. I'm looking forward to this experience. speaker-0: Yes, I feel very ⁓ enlightened and happy that you're here to do this with me today. It feels like it's been a long time coming. speaker-1: Yeah, yeah, I feel really called by you when you called me. Yeah. So, yeah. speaker-0: So Jensen, on a scale of play-a-kin to Simon Cowell, how gay would you say you are? speaker-1: I would say I'd probably lean more Simon Cowell, a little bit meaner. speaker-0: Okay, so mean or gay, which I do feel is more gay if I'm being honest. speaker-1: Absolutely. There's a darkness there that has, the gay demon, which we're all familiar with, is a little more in control. speaker-0: Absolutely. I really appreciate you being able to acknowledge that. ⁓ I think that many people who have come through my doors to experience this have been resistant, right out of the gate, you're agreeing about a gay demon. speaker-1: Yeah, I mean, look, I love him. You know, I got to be honest, he's great. ⁓ But I get he can be scary for people. speaker-0: Gay Demon is a real man that you've had a conversation with. speaker-1: Yeah, yeah, I he runs the whole game, the gambit, know. Yeah, so you check in with him from time to time. He can be really nice if you're on his good side. ⁓ speaker-0: Yeah, he runs the whole gay situation. And you check in with him as that sort of, need to take short interviews with him regularly. speaker-1: Yeah, yeah, and he's on the West side, so it's a little harder to get to, Traffic, so I opt for the three month check in. speaker-0: Check. That's gorgeous. And you know, I'm hoping to save you some time in traffic by keeping you over here on the. Yeah, so no gay demons here. speaker-1: East Hollywood's so much better for me. That's mostly why I'm doing this, honestly. speaker-0: So it says here in my research I did on you that a DVD of The Wizard of Oz fell on your head as a kid. Do you think that that could have contributed to your homosexuality? speaker-1: You know, I do believe it did, ⁓ I was concussed, you know? And in that concussion, I just kept putting like cucumbers in my mouth, you know what mean? speaker-0: Yeah, you were you were knocked out unconscious in a hospital bed with a box of cucumbers beside you constantly reaching speaker-1: Yes, yeah, the nurse was also sold things at the church. Big sale pickled was a big pickler. he had left the yeah. ⁓ yeah, please, please. Yeah, I'm used to it being really hot. The gay demons office is like so this is yeah. Yeah, he had left a box of ⁓ beautiful homegrown pick cucumbers soon to be picks. speaker-0: I'm glad. speaker-1: And so I guess in my unconscious state, had just been reaching and grabbing and what he said, which now looking back on it, he said the technique was really nice, which was confusing. speaker-0: Right and I imagine when you woke up, know and found yourself in your homosexual ways later down the line When you were looking at rooms of penises, you were sort of like and you were there and you were there and you speaker-1: Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. speaker-0: Wow, okay, well that's a pretty hard history to come back from, but we're gonna be working on that today. I was wondering, what are you most looking forward to about being straight? speaker-1: Yeah, great. I'm really looking forward to the opportunity to never be wrong again. Yeah, I think that's exciting. think it's exciting to, I'll know everything and I'll never have to apologize. speaker-0: And those are some of the most wonderful things about being a heterosexual is that you actually all of your decisions are morally correct, right and You can justify any of your actions speaker-1: They're sort of protected when you're in a relationship in a head around one. All your actions are legally protected. speaker-0: Absolutely. And I'm excited for you to explore that as well. What do you think will be the toughest obstacle for you on your journey to straightness? ⁓ speaker-1: ⁓ Not having a twink. I think that's gonna be the toughest thing for me. It's really tough for me to not have a twink. I love them and they love me. yeah, just, you know. Like I said, twink. Really hard to give up, I don't think I will, let's be honest. We'll see. of today. I'm open to. speaker-0: Yeah. Yeah, hard to give up. Okay, well, we'll see. speaker-1: being straight, still having twinks. speaker-0: Okay, so we're going to try and work towards a non-twinc future, but I do appreciate that you're willing to change your ways as much as possible. speaker-1: for sure and I just want to check in that a lot of the straight guys, right, they still get their twinks too. I just, no. From what I've heard. speaker-0: Well, they're not supposed to. speaker-1: I see. it's a like it's a this situation. speaker-0: No, it's so we're not doing it anymore and if you're doing it you haven't fully succeeded in reaching your hand towards the Lord and having him shake it. speaker-1: I see. All right. Well, I want to shake hands with the man. speaker-0: And that's why we're here, for you to shake hands with a man. We're not gonna be doing that. So to get an idea of how far you've strayed from God's light, we're going to do a couple of exercises. First, we're gonna start with some word associations. So I'll say a word and you just tell me the first word or thing it reminds you of. Okay, prayer. speaker-1: Okay. Sounds good. Toot. Toot. Toot. speaker-0: Okay, that's good. Mass. speaker-1: ass. I agree. Dick. Dick. speaker-0: Little worse. We'll keep going. Kneeling. It's okay. You said it really shy. You said it's sort of cutely and shyly. speaker-1: Well, ⁓ you should see me when I'm down there. I'm really cute. speaker-0: I won't ever do that. Don't. Christ. Gorgeous. Thank you. Crucifixion. speaker-1: All right. Jesus. What? speaker-0: I understand he's often shirtless. Judas. speaker-1: Yeah. ⁓ speaker-0: You quoted Judas directly from the Bible. That's what he said when Jesus found out it was him and betrayed him. speaker-1: Ooh, ⁓ speaker-0: Gospel. speaker-1: Yes Queen. Am I bad about that? speaker-0: That's okay, you're trying. speaker-1: Heaven sent body of twink speaker-0: Body of Christ. I see where we're mostly gonna be having our issues here today. Holy water. Eucharist. And priest. Yeah, that's me. Okay, gorgeous. Okay, so you know what? Well, this is actually not too bad of how people struggle a lot more with this exercise before. So you're actually doing quite well. speaker-1: Yummy. I can. TOO! YEAH! Okay, good, good. speaker-0: We're going move on to our second exercise here to gauge your homosexuality, know, how close you are to the far deep. the dead. Yeah, exactly. To hamburger Marys. speaker-1: West Side. Yeah, just above it. Just so you're familiar. you've. speaker-0: I've been yeah, well, I am a reformed homosexual. So I have I've been in West Hollywood, you know, I've looked I've looked the redheaded man in the eyes And I've said I rebuke thee and I will not be back Yeah, parking is pretty brutal, I mean I park in the Whole Foods parking lot, but I've been ticketed speaker-1: Yeah. And also the parking. got towed. Okay. speaker-0: I'm going to play you a series of sound effects and I just want you to tell me what you think they are. good. I think this will help me assess how homosexual your instincts have become. Okay, here's our first sound effect. speaker-1: Totally. Okay. speaker-0: So what does that sound? speaker-1: cheesy gordita crunch, supreme tough taco, Baja blast freeze. speaker-0: Okay, so that is... Nope, that is the Sunday church bell calling God's children for a spiritual supper. So there was sort of a food involved, but... Well, if you followed that sound, I don't think you would find a Baja Blast. speaker-1: So I was right. Cheese Gritty and Crunch Supreme Beef Sausage Taco in Baja. speaker-0: I'm not really even sure what you said in the middle there, I don't think any of that would be available. Unfortunately, let's move to the next one. Here is the second sound effect. speaker-1: That was the gay man's chorus from West Hollywood. I actually heard Brian, he's the tenor, he's the high tenor. And he's crystal clear tone. speaker-0: Okay, so you're not fully wrong. It's not that choir. It's actually the WWJD flats heralding in another fine Sunday mass. So sort of the straight version of what you're referencing. speaker-1: I heard Brian and I just want to make that clear that that was Brian's gorgeous tenor tone. Yeah, Brian Kowalski. speaker-0: Ryan Kowalski? He's come through my doors. He's part of this choir now. He's not going to West Hollywood anymore. ⁓ speaker-1: He's not. ⁓ he's an East Side Christian gay reform. Wow. speaker-0: Reformed. Ow. You said Christian gay scientist. speaker-1: ⁓ he's, ⁓ nice, he the scientist route. Now if I do, there are three, right? I can choose scientist, traveler, or artist, parentheses bad. It's like the Pokemon. speaker-0: Exactly, those are different categories of Pokemon. So you can choose Christian Science, Evangelical, Catholic, Presbyterian, or Jewish in brackets bad. speaker-1: Okay, all right. Okay. Well, I guess I can decide the end of the program. speaker-0: Yeah, mean, you don't I know you're you're holding up a little sign that says fire type. You also can't do that. There's no fire type bug type water type. speaker-1: And so I just want to get this ⁓ straight to you I don't get powers speaker-0: This is what we're trying to do here. No, in fact, one might argue that you lose them. speaker-1: Okay, so... Alright, that's fine, I was just... speaker-0: Do you think being straight is? speaker-1: My thought being straight was you get the powers of Christ to flow through you. So I could levitate, I could... speaker-0: Where in the Bible does Christ levitate? speaker-1: I'm sorry every time I see something where he's giving the Ten Commandments. He's three to four feet off of the ground with light around him speaker-0: Are you just holding the Bible up to a lamp? speaker-1: I'm noticing now I'm realizing it's usually a framed picture. It's off wall. Yeah. So not levitating, but. speaker-0: the ground. Okay so not levitating. There are other powers you gain in becoming straight. ⁓ You get sort of this relentless fury within you, kind of, you know. A velvet rage that propels you forward in anger. And you get invited to a lot more things by your family. speaker-1: velvet rage. Okay, that, I'm busy though. That's going to be tough for me. speaker-0: Well, the most important thing of all is that you are welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven. speaker-1: Okay. And there they have. ⁓ No. Okay. For sure. Sorry. ⁓ speaker-0: They don't have twinks. Okay, there are a couple more sound effects. you Hmm. So what do think that might be? speaker-1: I think you and I both know that right by the 101, there's a place called Flex Spa. speaker-0: I mean, that was a historical rendition of what Jesus sounded like being put up on the cross. Religious scholars put that together. speaker-1: So that's a recording from. speaker-0: It's what they assume he must have sounded like through surrounding evidence. speaker-1: ⁓ I see. Okay. great. Yeah. He sounds like he can really take it. Take me. speaker-0: Take you to heaven. Okay, so we have about two more sound effects here. speaker-1: Okay, cool. ⁓ That is Mariah. That was Mariah Carey. speaker-0: like a whistle tone. So that was actually a historical rendition of what Jesus sounded like coming down from the cross. I have a few websites where I'm talking to other Catholic men around the world, their findings on Jesus, what things might be like for them and their part of the world culturally. Those were both from Italy if you couldn't tell. Yeah, those were Italian sounds. speaker-1: getting these. Those are Italian sounds. Yeah, yeah, it sounded, could, it had like a basil scent to it. was. Yeah, we were. Yes, I do. Yeah, And an addiction to Twinks. Just wanna. Okay. Clear that. speaker-0: You have synthetizia. Yeah, we have one more sad. Okay, we have a more sad effect. And so what do think that is? speaker-1: That's ballroom. That's ballroom. That's ballroom. Yeah, that's ballroom culture. That is the emcee. speaker-0: So unfortunately that's actually me at the Easter picnic hot dog eating competition. speaker-1: Oh, oh, oh, okay. Wow. Well trained. speaker-0: them liquid mustard what can I say I have a skill set and it's transferable absolutely speaker-1: putting it to good use. see. And so that's nice. Did you win? Congratulations. speaker-0: Yes. Usually it's just me against some of the, you know, men in the, what would Jesus do flats, WWJD flats. ⁓ But I always come out on top. Brian's pretty good though. speaker-1: Brian's good. Yeah, I got some guys I could send your way that could really put you to the test there. speaker-0: Okay, well maybe send them into my office because I do think, no, because I think that I can help them. speaker-1: I think they could help you. speaker-0: I think that we have our work cut out for us. Luckily, I have invited a friend to join us. He is a heterosexuality expert named Skid Beef. So he's going to join us after this short break. OK. ⁓ speaker-1: that we do. speaker-0: Hey man, sorry I'm late. I was coming from a shooting range where all the silhouettes were my mom. speaker-1: ⁓ hey, nice to meet you. Bring it. Bring it on. I did this with my stepdad. So I actually. speaker-0: You did what with your stepdad? Okay, I don't like that actually. That made me feel... Three minutes. speaker-1: We do it for three minutes. He said the longer you go, the straighter you are. So you can't last too long. speaker-0: I'm here to gauge your straightness actually, not the other way around. So get that straight. I can already tell you're gonna be a handful. speaker-1: Yeah, it's good. I like it rough. I like it tough. I like it hard. I like it. I like it strong. Strong. speaker-0: Okay, let's channel this sexual energy towards getting you closer to Christ. As you know, I'm Skid Beef. I'm a masculinity coach. I'm going to be connecting you to your raw masculinity to help you get right with Jesus. Okay. I heard you're struggling with twinks. speaker-1: Yeah, yeah, I mean, well, no, they're pretty easy to pin down, speaker-0: I heard you're struggling with trying to leave Twinks in the past on your journey towards heaven. speaker-1: Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm struggling with. speaker-0: Okay, we're gonna try and beat that out of you. No. I'm talking about like when a bunch of men are in a locker room. Okay. I'm going to move on to the exercise. We're not touching hands again. You can't trick me. Gay devil. I'm going to list some qualities and I want you to say whether they're alpha or beta. Okay. Okay. speaker-1: The stranger go, the stranger you are. Damn it. speaker-0: Helping your wife bring the groceries in. Alpha. Beta. She's the gatherer, you're the hunter. Okay. You have to make her know that you're not at her level. Well, first things first, don't bring in the groceries. It's about repeated behaviors. speaker-1: How do you make someone know something? That's called teaching, but that feels like not a straight alpha thing to do. speaker-0: Teaching is bringing someone to knowledge and allowing them to accept it on their own. Making someone know is what a man does to his wife. Okay, ⁓ eating a piece of fresh fruit. Stop trying to touch my fingers. speaker-1: I see, okay. ⁓ that's Omega. There's something about you that is doing it for me. speaker-0: I want to ask you something. Do I look like a twink to you? speaker-1: know which is why I'm confused. speaker-0: Okay, I want you to be confused about whether or not you're gonna get into the Kingdom of Heaven, because the answer is, at this point, no. speaker-1: Not confused about that. Yes. speaker-0: My name is... My name is scared, not jizz. speaker-1: Skid B. I'm sorry skiz I got a lot on my mind you just speaker-0: This is... this. speaker-1: I'm sorry. speaker-0: Stop! Put your head down! Put your head down! speaker-1: If I spit on it, would that make it better? Stop it! speaker-0: Do you want to get right? Yeah. Do you want to get right in the eyes of the Lord? speaker-1: Skiz did. I'm sorry. I'm I apologize. No more. speaker-0: Thank you. Eating a piece of fresh fruit is beta because fruit is for women, twinks and children. Calling an Uber. Absolutely. You're getting it. Sitting in the back seat is the cook chair of the car. Yes. Watching the Italian job. Thank you. See, here you go. I'm making you know things. Yes. speaker-1: beta. That's out. I see now. It's different than teaching. Absolutely. You're forcing me into a binary. speaker-0: Absolutely. And doesn't it feel good to be told what to do? And this is what we're here to do. Place boundaries on the joy that you feel with other men so that you no longer feel that joy. Yes. And instead are replaced with rot. speaker-1: It's nice to have boundaries. And then I can enforce those boundaries on other people, even in situations where things are gray, and then take everyone's joy and fun away. speaker-0: And that's true power. You're getting it. And you haven't even asked to touch my fingers for 45 seconds. Mm-hmm. Washing your ass. speaker-1: That's Alpha. It's been at least 45. is Omega. speaker-0: That's the best. Beta. You should be ignoring that part of your body completely. Okay. I'm talking like it's so bad your whole is sliding off. speaker-1: beta Okay, sort of an acid pool. I see. speaker-0: Yep. Cheeks bruised, whole emaciated. speaker-1: What do y'all do about disease and whatnot? speaker-0: we're not worried about that disease doesn't affect an alpha is whole. Okay, you don't even have to be worried about that. that's and you don't even have to go to the doctor about it. That's a good perk and you don't have to tell anyone about it. Even if when you're on the bus, you're like, smells kind of bad on the bus. Is it the bus and then you when you go to work, you're like smells still here must be my rotting Exactly. And a rotting hole is not a man's interest. speaker-1: I see. I blame it on everyone else though. A rotting hole is heterosexuality. speaker-0: Absolutely. Okay. Looking at a photo of dogs playing poker. ⁓ absolutely. That's male culture. Slamming your penis in the car door of your cyber truck. ⁓ You know what? You are one of my brightest pupils. You want to ask me some questions? Yeah. Okay. That was the end of my list. Go ahead and speaker-1: alpha. That is alpha. I need to actually let me ask you a couple. Okay. this Alpha or Omega? Getting all silly with your girls at the El Condor in Silver Lake. speaker-0: you That's not even on the chart. I would not be doing that. speaker-1: I'm asking you is it alpha or omega? Actually that is, ⁓ yeah that's worse than beta here. Do you think I'm attractive? speaker-0: It's worse than beta. I'm supposed to answer alpha or beta to do you think I'm attractive? Well, I don't. speaker-1: one so alpha or beta? So that's a actually on here I'm looking and that's a yes. ⁓ That sucks for you. speaker-0: You can't pigeonhole me. speaker-1: Well, have you ever been pigeonholed? So you've been to fl- speaker-0: So is this some sort of sexual thing being pigeonholed? speaker-1: Yes, and you would love it. speaker-0: I can guarantee you I would not. The only way I can get off is from no eye contact missionary with my wife who I love. speaker-1: So you would rather do missionary no eye contact than doggy, which already sort of lends itself to that. speaker-0: Well, I'm doing no eye contact missionaries so that she knows it's my choice not to look. speaker-1: I see, and that is alpha. That was my next one. So yeah, you passed ⁓ with all the colors of the rainbow, skid. speaker-0: Absolutely. Is this a joke to you? And now? Okay. I don't feel that you're very serious about getting straight here today. speaker-1: I'm in a flirty mood. What can I say? speaker-0: Okay, well take that flirtiness into the eyes of the Lord and flirt your way into the kingdom of heaven by being a good disciple to God. speaker-1: So let me just check in. I can flirt with God to get into heaven. That's what I'm hearing. speaker-0: Flirting with God requires knowing the Bible, attending Mass, know, you're up to God's house to court Him. speaker-1: Okay, so knowing about him showing up to all his events. I'm sort of stalking God. speaker-0: you're taking the body of Christ and the blood of Christ into your body. Some might call that a type of flirting, but it's not any of that sort of gay flirting that you're talking about. This is very straight, you know? The priest is standing up there in robes that go to his ankles. He's wearing big heavy gold jewelry and there's nothing gay about that. speaker-1: Well, OK, yeah. OK. OK. I hear you. speaker-0: Okay, let's do some role play and I'm not talking about the one I do with my wife where I'm Chris Pratt and she's Chris Pratt's wife. This is to prepare you for dating women. Okay. We're gonna pretend we're on a date. You're you and I'm a 23 year old from Tinder you're trying to sleep with while your wife is in a Pilates class. Okay. Okay. Okay. So I'm gonna do my best. Light his voice. ⁓ the waiter's here. I'm gonna have a Shirley Temple. speaker-1: Sounds good. Okay. ⁓ Marge. I'll have a duff beer. I'm like, you're playing Marge. speaker-0: You're playing you- I'm play- that's not Marge, that's just a light- speaker-1: That was Marge Simpson. You're the voice of Marge Simpson. Skid. speaker-0: No, I'm playing a old named Courtney who goes to Occidental College. I'm sorry, I can't do a great impression of a woman because I'm a man. I don't really make it a habit. So I'm doing my best job. Why? speaker-1: A 23- Okay. Get kicked in the throat by a horse? Do an impression of your wife. Why is it the same voice? Actually, I want to hear what you were going to say from her point of view. Why don't you look me in the eyes? speaker-0: all women's health. Don't you look me in the eyes when we're having sex! speaker-1: I feel like you've told her, because I'm Alpha. She doesn't listen, ⁓ speaker-0: Exactly doesn't mean she don't have If I'm a woman who does ⁓ speaker-1: No! No! No! Almost gotcha! Almost gotcha! speaker-0: Okay, so we're gonna roleplay this. You wanna date with the woman, I'll play. ⁓ the waiter's here. I'm gonna have an orange juice. ⁓ did you make a surprise? speaker-1: Okay, okay, sounds good. Look under the table. My cock's out against my leg and it's sweaty. Take your sli- slide off your- Take my- speaker-0: Huck is Slip? speaker-1: Take your slit and rub it up against the inside of my knee until you reach the tip of my- is my world. These are my rules. Get on it. Get your slit on me. Now, girl. Waiter, we'll have two bottles of Stella Rosa. One for me and one for her. speaker-0: We're in a restaurant! Thank you, waiter. ⁓ we're also gonna order some food. Do you want to split a spinach artichoke dip? speaker-1: Do you feel safe? Are you okay? speaker-0: I'm sort of... He's coming on really strong, I kind of understand that that's because he's really powerful. Yeah, but I mean, he's asking me to rub my slit on his sweaty cock under the table, which sort of... Physically, I don't know if I could bend. speaker-1: He's really powerful. speaker-0: Yeah. speaker-1: care of your lower back. you do, do it. Just engage your core. speaker-0: Right, so you want me to rub my slit with my legs? Nope, with my back. speaker-1: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm gonna jump back in. Okay. speaker-0: ⁓ okay, yep. ⁓ so that's what's in the spinach artichoke dip. speaker-1: Nothing, no spinach artichoke dip for her. I'm having steak and lobster. She's gonna watch and she's gonna take care of my dry cleaning via an app on her phone. speaker-0: Okay, let me, let me go my... speaker-1: You're doing it slow and wrong. Let me do it. Okay. Get down. Get the slit to me under the table. Girl, what are you doing? speaker-0: Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there. It was really good until you said girl at the end. ⁓ crap. Yeah, know. She stumbled at the finish line. It sounded more, it didn't sound as much like get on the table girl. was like get on the table girl. speaker-1: Good? Okay. ⁓ I know. You know, yeah, it was. Yeah. speaker-0: I really liked what you did with the ⁓ dry cleaning app. Yes. And immediately admonishing her for her inability to do it. speaker-1: Yeah, because we assume, what I'm going to be assuming about women is that they can't do anything. I can do it better than them. speaker-0: You know, when I first sat down with you, I didn't know how far we were going to be able to get today, but I'm feeling really confident with your abilities. Very fast learner skim. are. You really got hit hard by that Wizard of Oz DVD. Huh? speaker-1: I'm a fast learner. You okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, there's a cucumber around here that I could probably know. ⁓ speaker-0: down. Okay, I'm liking where we're headed. Me too. There's some work that still needs to be done. So I want to move on to some value chance, which are basically affirmations for man. I'm gonna have you repeat after me. Okay, no, you go right ahead. You can take a drink first. I want you to make sure that you're able to these loud and clear. speaker-1: Is this just a one-time session? often do I get to see you? speaker-0: Well, it depends. You know, I have a program wherein you're able to pay $499.99 per three months. the East side, it's a little bit traffic, but you get to come see me. And we can also put in some sessions in between there with group therapy with other men. We go on sort of outings where we'll hike to the top of Runyon Canyon ⁓ and pull our shirts off, yell at the moon and roll around in the dirt. ⁓ also been known to go to a few monster truck rallies ⁓ and any one of us that week who had an impure thought is forced to lay between two ramps that a monster truck jumps over. Sort of a reminder of the threat of where you might be if you don't find God prior to your death. ⁓ So I offer all sorts of step programs. speaker-1: I don't want to shatter your reality, that's ⁓ what a lot of the Eastside queers are already doing. speaker-0: East Side queers are going to the monster truck rallies. I mean, I've seen a lot of mullets there, but I don't think they're gay mullets. speaker-1: I hate to break it to you, but ⁓ that's the new queer culture or the mullet. you might be. speaker-0: All right, well, then we got to switch it up. We got to start doing something different. speaker-1: I think they're going, I think y'all are going back to tight jeans. speaker-0: Yeah, we're doing tight jeans. ⁓ and we're doing really tight t-shirts. I'm doing, I needed like sort of a Dick vein, the size of the one on the back of a Snickers bar popping out of my neck at any given time. speaker-1: Yes. Yes. Yeah. Okay. So, yeah, you see where the culture is heading. speaker-0: Yeah, it's it's a bare raw male sexuality. Yeah. And domination. Yeah. That's where we're headed. speaker-1: Yes. We share a lot of things in common. These cultures. have to be honest with you. speaker-0: But mine are right and yours are wrong. speaker-1: Mine are right and yours are wrong. Is that the mine are right and yours are wrong? I'm excited. speaker-0: One of the things we yell at the moon at run you know, Okay, so these are these are some of the value chance. I'm gonna have you repeat after me I do not want to suck penis speaker-1: ⁓ I do not speaker-0: You have to say it like you believe it or that you could believe it one day. speaker-1: I don't want- I don't not want to suck penis. speaker-0: I don't not want to suck penis is a double negative. Almost a blank, you do want to so piece. Okay, so I do not, you gotta enunciate. I do not want to suck penis. speaker-1: I do not want to suck no penis. I'm sorry. I really want to suck penis. speaker-0: Okay, so we're going further away from what I'm asking you. Yeah There we go lot Did was that sort of a psych at the end speaker-1: I don't wanna suck penis. Not. Yeah, okay, so I don't want to suck penis girl Girl. Girl, don't... Girl, don't wanna say penis. I don't wanna suck it. I don't wanna suck penis. speaker-0: Look at that. You got there and that is very powerful. Okay, we're gonna move on to the next one. I do want to get a tattoo of Iron Man. speaker-1: Man, I do want to get a tattoo of Iron Man. There we go. speaker-0: Iron Man does not do that. He has a wife named Pepper Potts. speaker-1: Well, he's a tech guy, right? speaker-0: Yes. So what is it? What is that? And what are you? speaker-1: Okay. You said something about him that doesn't matter whether or not he's sucking cock. So I said something else that didn't matter. You can have a wife and suck cock. speaker-0: I do not want to have obscure knowledge of divas from the 80s. speaker-1: I do not want to have obscure knowledge of divas from the 80s because I got a lot on my mind and I got to remember. like to, I, what I like to do is I like to draw every dick I've sucked. So I can't keep that memory in my mind. That's too much to hold. So I. speaker-0: Play we were really getting somewhere with the role play speaker-1: Yeah, we were in a good place there. speaker-0: So you're gonna have to stop. You're have to. speaker-1: a strap, shit, skid, stop it, cause we can't be talking like, I will get my slit under the table. speaker-0: Don't make inside lingo with me based on our experiences, okay? Men do not have inside jokes. speaker-1: Men don't have inside jokes. speaker-0: We remain isolated. We don't have that sort of connectivity. speaker-1: this close to going to West Hollywood. speaker-0: And remember why you're here. Remember why you want to be straight. You want to be right. You want to be right. You want to know that everything you do is justified. Don't you want to walk out of here justified? speaker-1: I do want to be right. love being. Yeah, that's that. Cis man and me. I love to be right. speaker-0: There's, I mean, I'm sure you've had more than one cis man in you from what you've been talking about. And that is the kind of comedy that we can have to. Okay. We're getting close. I want to be inexplicably sunburned most of the time. speaker-1: A's. Okay, I like that. We're getting close. I want to be inexplicably sunburned most of the time. speaker-0: There we go, we're getting closer and closer. I do not want to wear a wig for fun. It's gonna be a tough one for you, I think. Sort of this in twinks at the same level. speaker-1: This one's going to be hard for me. Yeah, I would put wigs a little bit above the twinks, honestly. Yeah, this gonna be tough for me. I do not want to wear wigs for fun, but I will do it for work. speaker-0: I appreciate that. You do for work. Okay. Okay, listen, if it's for your profession, I'm sure Jesus could make some exceptions, but as long as you're not playing any sort of like goofy ladies or ⁓ men who are enjoying themselves, ⁓ sort of small kids, ⁓ old men or women, know, old men or women we gotta respect in our communities. So there's a lot of places you can't go with it. speaker-1: characters can I play? speaker-0: You could play God, a version of God, in a Christmas pageant play. That's about it. speaker-1: Okay, all right, I can. I feel like I could do a lot with that. Again, I like boundaries. speaker-0: Okay, well there we go. We're finding a happy medium. I want to own a leather sectional that smells like dog surgery. speaker-1: I want to own a leather sectional that smells like dog surgery. speaker-0: That one felt pretty easy for you. Do you have any ⁓ of your own that you'd like to add? speaker-1: I want to still go to Costco. speaker-0: You could go to Costco. I they serve things in manly sizes. You can't eat any of little samples though. Small foods for children and babies. speaker-1: Okay, great. So no hors d'oeuvres. Okay. I'm hearing you. speaker-0: That's- ⁓ did you hear what you- or dervs? Is there a gayer word? speaker-1: So French is out of the question. Okay. I still want to eat a flaky croissant. speaker-0: Absolutely. I'm ready. You can, but only in private. speaker-1: I can get down with that. I don't want to do any of this. speaker-0: That is that conflicts with what we're trying to work on here today. speaker-1: Yeah, I hear you. Yeah, I want Skid and I to go to the Americana AMC together sometime in the future speaker-0: Okay, I mean we could do that if we're going to go see, you know, one of the new Marvel movies or the accountant to do. Yeah. Um, I would see that with you. We'd have to sit a seat apart though. speaker-1: Yeah. Okay, great. I want to share a Slurpee. Okay. speaker-0: No. Grow men don't share drinks. Last time I shared a drink was when I was drinking milk out of my mama's tea. My mama. speaker-1: You shared it with who? She was slipping on it? Y'all split-sies? speaker-0: we went right down the middle. She had to check if it was strong enough, filled with enough vitamins for a big, big baby man like me. speaker-1: I see, Okay, I'd split a tip with you. speaker-0: See now that also we could be doing. Yeah, I mean there's gotta be a lady in between. speaker-1: Okay, so you're down with that. Okay, okay, cool. Okay. Okay. Okay, we said speaker-0: So do you have any questions for me now that we've kind of passed through some of your conversion? Are there things that you're worried about? Temptations in the future? Are there tips or tricks you want from me for my years of being a strong and manly man? Absolutely not. speaker-1: I see your browser history on your phone. That's all I needed. speaker-0: Well, I got to go. I have a personal training session with a AI trainer who looks like Elon Musk, but has the voice of my father. Uh, but thank you for this today. All right. See you on the danger side. speaker-1: course. See you on the danger sites kid. ⁓ speaker-0: Welcome back to conversion therapy. now have our previous guest, Jensen Titus, back ⁓ six months into his conversion and we're going to see how it's going for him. So Jensen, you know, I could tell right away there's some things that are different about you. speaker-1: Hey, dude, it's actually biz now. I've had a lot of ideas lately, a lot of, I'm an entrepreneur. speaker-0: That's great. You're going by B is. Okay, so you've switched from being a comedian to an entrepreneur. what kind of entrepreneurial ⁓ subjects are you up to? So what sort of things have you been working on in regards to being an entrepreneur? speaker-1: lot of medicinal stuff, some tech stuff, like I've gotten into healthcare, I've gotten into the educational system. There's a lot actually that can be changed and worked on and I'm getting my fingers into every section. speaker-0: Okay, you know, that sounds great. know, being a prolific businessman is a very masculine skill and so I'm excited to see that for you. So, since you're working in healthcare, you're working sort of on supplements, vitamins, protein powders, what sort of things you can work speaker-1: Yeah, mostly on extensions of parts of the body. So, male enhancements. ⁓ Yeah. speaker-0: Okay, so you're doing male enhancements extensions. Does that look like a surgery where anyone can get taller? speaker-1: Yeah, it's we're breaking at the shins and we're have you seen there's some there's some little faggy movie that came out with Dakota Dakota something and They're talking about the surgery that makes you taller So doing that kind of stuff and then I'm doing I'm working on stuff right now that can make ⁓ Bigger just bigger testicles speaker-0: Okay, so we're not focused on shaft, we're focused on ball. speaker-1: Yeah, it's shaft is sort of in the past. And so now what we're realizing in the community is that the balls are what really matters. speaker-0: And you know what? I would say that that's really in line with men and what men want because big balls are a sign of masculinity. speaker-1: Exactly, get it. Yeah. speaker-0: That's incredible. Okay. And you said you've also been working in education? Yeah. speaker-1: Yeah, yeah, just teaching kids how to be there, how to be there on the court, how to be there next to the court. A lot of kids don't know how to scream and cause a ruckus and disrupt Dodgers game. speaker-0: Okay, so you're mostly focused on ⁓ education surrounding children going to major sports games, sporting events. Yeah. speaker-1: Do you know how to tell? Were you taught out of tailgate as a kid? speaker-0: Absolutely not. That's what I'm saying. Why don't you give me the first three rules of tailgating? speaker-1: Truck, your truck has to be jacked up. ⁓ You gotta have a Yeti. If you don't have a Yeti cooler, don't go to the town. Okay, so you already know that one. We don't use ice, we use the Yeti cool packs because ice is beta. Skid and I have been really researching into how to get ice out of the mainstream culture because that's how they get the gay juice in. speaker-0: . That one makes sense. Okay. Okay, you know, and I have heard this before, there's many scientists who have made a study on how ICE is actually the way that they're getting homosexuality into us. It's the way that they're forcing us to take the vaccine. ⁓ It is the way that they're, they're incepting our minds with liberal ideas. Like, you know, everybody has a right to housing. ⁓ speaker-1: ⁓ sorry. Who's that? Yeah. I don't know them. I saying that kind of stuff. Yeah. And then at the tailgate, ⁓ you're encouraged to find your closest friends, deepest insecurity and just make fun of it the whole time. speaker-0: Exactly. Wow, that's really powerful stuff. Now, what would you say is the rowdiest you've ever gotten out of tailgate? speaker-1: ⁓ I've shot fireworks into ⁓ people's cars as they've passed by. speaker-0: Yeah, these are people who are on the opposing team that you don't agree with people who are on who like your team. Yeah everyone You're sort of a chaos agent speaker-1: Everyone. Yeah, everyone's getting a firework. Yes, exactly. And that's what I realized being straight is you're an agent of chaos. I'm an agent of the government and I'm here to cause chaos. ⁓ Yeah, in a way, yeah. speaker-0: ⁓ you're working for the government now or? Okay, so it's more of an individual working with the government. speaker-1: Well, there's a website where you can sign up. It is threads. It's through threads. And there's a link tree that sends you to Google Form. speaker-0: Okay. What website is it? speaker-1: and you just upload like your you have to upload a submission video and you've just picked up the heaviest thing in your house and you have to bring your heap into the garage which is your wife thank you and you she has to be speaker-0: You're you have to bring your heap into the garage speaker-1: Yeah, and she has to ⁓ recite John Wick 4 from memory. So you have to make sure she's watched that over and over and over over and over and over and And then you get to work for the government as an agent of chaos. speaker-0: Well, who'd thought that? Going to threads, to a link tree, to a Google form. speaker-1: Good. speaker-0: You can bring a man to a place of such joy. Okay. That's incredible. So you're saying that you have a, you have a heap. You have a heap these days. So tell me, tell me about her. What's your name? What's she like? speaker-1: Hmm? I have a hea- I don't know her name. ⁓ speaker-0: What do you call her? speaker-1: I call her Sarah. ⁓ I'm assuming, well, that's just what she's named now. And it's great. We actually met, we were at a restaurant and I had a surf and turf and she put her slit on my inner thigh ⁓ and we both had a bottle of Stella Rosa and it's been amazing. speaker-0: Wow, sounds like you really manifested that. Skid told me about how you had ⁓ role played and sounds like that really came to fruition. speaker-1: Yeah, I just followed the steps step by step what skid and I had come up with and it's been incredible. He's an amazing man. Yeah, it is amazing. It is an amazing man. I really love skin. Skin is incredible. And I think we have a chemistry that I've never felt with someone before. And he's just got this light in him that I can't. speaker-0: I've even been doing work with skin. speaker-1: I can't imagine living without and has really changed my life. speaker-0: You're getting kind of teary eyed. What's up? You're getting kind of teary eyed talking about him. That's... emotional. ⁓ speaker-1: Have you been working with Skid? speaker-0: I've worked with skin in the past, yes. speaker-1: I'd recommend some more sessions. OK. Just because ⁓ you're being you're being weird and gay. speaker-0: You know what, I do thank you for helping keep me in check because, you know, even though I've been a reformed homosexual for at least 15, 16 years now actually, as of a week and a half ago, sometimes some of those, thank you, sometimes some of those tendencies can bubble up to the surface. So I do appreciate that. Well, okay, so you have a wife, you have a new job. What's your community like now? What's your church like? Have you been feeling more in line with the power of Christ? Do you feel saved? speaker-1: I'm waiting on my powers, ⁓ but everything else is pretty good. speaker-0: Okay, so I thought we went over this. The powers that you gain in becoming straight is access to the kingdom of heaven. You don't actually gain any sort of mind reading or levitation if I recall you mentioning. speaker-1: Skid told me that I'd be able to be turned invisible. speaker-0: Well, I mean, it's much easier to blend into a crowd when you're a straight man, that's for sure. I think it was more metaphorical. But you seem very set on the powers. What would you use your invisibility for? speaker-1: Is that what he meant? ⁓ Well, he said at a certain point, you could move things with your mind with your mind or you could say things out loud and then they would just happen. Like he's he basically what he said. Sorry. Basically, what he said was like, I could go. And then like a beer would levitate it like the fridge open up, beer would levitate and come into his hands. And so we'd be like laundry, you know, and like. speaker-0: Beer! speaker-1: the laundry would wash itself and like that's it. Or he'd be like, come, like come, I wanna come. And like then he could sit there and then like ⁓ he could just come from. speaker-0: That's pretty beautiful and now that you know you're on the right path, you're headed towards the Kingdom of Heaven, what are you most looking forward to for being straight for the rest of your days? speaker-1: ⁓ You know, I just love ⁓ the sun. I love the sun and desert and being alone and ⁓ never apologizing ever again. I haven't apologized in six months, It's amazing. Fuck you. speaker-0: Wow, that's pretty powerful. Whoa. Yeah. And I'm here to help you. This is one of the most successful cases I think I've ever seen. speaker-1: Yeah, exactly. Fuck you. Yeah, it's good and I are working really well together. ⁓ speaker-0: Every time you talk about skids, you sort of drop your straight affectation and begin to twirl your hair. Okay, you know, before you go, I did want to talk about your line of barbecue sauces. So I know you said you were working in supplements and healthcare, you know, and extension surgeries. What is this barbecue sauce line that you've put out called? speaker-1: What's up? ⁓ It's called Get With It and we have some awesome flavors and ⁓ we have one that's called Sick Nasty Bitch. Sick, Nasty Bitch. So this one will sit you down and it'll sweat you out. ⁓ It's just, ⁓ what it is, it's just a pepper. So. speaker-0: Sit, nasty bitch. So it's a bottle with one pepper in it. And you're that a sauce. Okay. speaker-1: Yeah. Yeah. And then we have another one that's called Riddle in and. Yeah, thank you. ⁓ And it's just going to be a terrible time. It's got Kava in it. It's Kava water and lime juice. speaker-0: All caps, I imagine. Okay, and so these are barbecue sauces. Yeah. So this goes on. speaker-1: Barbecue is the act of cooking the meat. So you put this on it and then you've got a barbecue sauce. ⁓ And then we have one that's just called, ⁓ is that really what it's called? ⁓ It's, yeah, I'm an entrepreneur. ⁓ speaker-0: Sort of a self-reflection. speaker-1: And that one's just ⁓ a QP mayo. Yeah, we just relabeled it. A lot of people do that white labeling. It's actually it's actually totally normal and stuff. speaker-0: So you're putting Kewpie mayo on your ribs and chicken. speaker-1: Yeah. Okay. Think about that. And then there's one that Skid actually came up with. ⁓ And this one's my favorite sauce. ⁓ Skid came up with this one sauce called ⁓ Jazz is Gay. And I thought that was so funny when he said he's so he's so funny. Skid is Skid is like one of the funniest people I ever met. And speaker-0: You're talking about skid a lot. speaker-1: Yeah, because that's my business partner. speaker-0: ⁓ okay. So you're in business with this with with skin. Okay, so it's the Titus and beef line then. speaker-1: Kit is my partner. Exactly, exactly. And yeah, it's Jazz is Gay. And he what he did, it was one time, you were just together and it's basically a Blue Raspberry Slurpee, Blue Raspberry and Coca Cola Slurpee. And then it just has. some ⁓ citric acid in it. And so it's just like a really sour, slurpy, and it's amazing what like the sweetness and the sour does to like a brisket. And I just think that man is a genius. speaker-0: Yeah, sounds like that's sort of a love letter to the time you shared a Slurpee at the AMC. Is maybe not very straight. speaker-1: Yeah, yeah, exactly. Tell that to Skip maybe. See what he does. You want to say that to his face too? speaker-0: You're getting really mad, you're clenching your fists really tight. speaker-1: Well, I was told that I that being straight would come with a never ending fury so. I'm ⁓ I'm pissed. There's something about you too that's just making me I could just levitate. ⁓ speaker-0: So you're channeling that. Wow, so you're angrier than ever. Again, not one of the powers that you have access to. Well thank you everybody for joining us. You Jen's a titus. If there's one thing I could do for you and one thing that my audience members at home might want to know, it's are there any things that you enjoy in Los Angeles that you might like to promote or that you might like to plug? Any shows you visit or ⁓ things that you think other people should go and see or listen to? speaker-1: Yeah, for sure. Yeah, there's this really, I listened to this one podcast just to make sure I'm never gay, just to know what's going on and to stay away from that kind of stuff. It's called Art To Me. It's by Very Gay Paint. First of all. ⁓ speaker-0: Yeah. speaker-1: And so I listen to that. That's a good one to listen to if you wanna know what to not do. Yeah, so those are the things that I'm doing. And then you could also go see Betty night at UCB if you wanna see men and wigs, just to make sure that you don't do that. speaker-0: There's a lot of things to kind of keep you on the right side. I appreciate that. I'll be attending all of those and listening to that podcast for sure. speaker-1: Okay, great.