Calvin Higgins: And welcome back to Choice Man everybody. Sam, how you doing? Good. Doing great. This is, that's probably the best visual handshake we've had in a long time. I was right in the middle. I have bad news for all the listeners today. We tried to do this again with the new camera setup. Still don't have it all figured out. next week we'll, not the next episode, but the next week we might have it figured out. I need some different software and some different things like that. So it's a work in progress. We're getting there. Spent a lot of time trying to get that set up today. So sorry about that. Maybe we'll have that next time. Today, welcome back. Drop a like, follow, subscribe, whatever. Recommend us to other people. Recommend us to other people. Yeah, if you have friends, tell them about us. Today is going to be a... you know, more of a ⁓ surprise episode. That's what Sam called it. I have no idea what this episode is. So I'm going to turn the reins over to Sam and he's going to take us from here. Yeah. So Bible verse to get us started, Hebrews 10, 24, and let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another and all the more as you see the day drawing near. I thought that was just a good good scripture to kind of root and start off with because this is actually a bunch of questions because you recently had your kid. His daughter was born very recently. right. So I figured a couple questions for young men that are thinking about either starting a family or what they should be thinking of if they're not looking to start a family either. one of the most important things for young men to focus on after school if he wants to start a family? In your opinion, in your experience. Yeah, I think that there are, I mean, there's a couple. you, because again, the wanting to start a family, is kind of a key, that's a key piece. If you don't want to start a family, that might actually be a heart problem, not necessarily that you want to and need to start a family, like you don't need to start a family three months after you graduate. Like that's not what I am trying to communicate. I do think though that there are guys who still don't really want that responsibility even in a couple years. So they're not gonna actively pursue the things to get there. So I think that the things to get there, once you feel committed to wanting to get to that point. like wanting to have a family, really wanting to have a wife, have kids. think, bless you, I think there's a couple things that are kind of ⁓ more like the foundations of it and then there are other things on top of that. But I think some of the foundation pieces are are you taking more responsibility? Because A family has more responsibility, a wife has more responsibility, kids have more responsibilities. Having to manage all those things, that's a lot of responsibility and you're not actually necessarily ready for it when you get there. That's not the point. You having the ability to take initiative, so practicing taking initiative, that is what sets you up. you know, I mean, if you were working during school and you still have a good job, then that's fine. If you... ⁓ are able to get a good job after that and get a good job. mean, because you need money. So if you already have money, then great. You don't actually need that much money though. That's enough to get by. Enough to get by will get you by. So you want to be able to keep making more money, money, like being able to provide, like the guy's the provider, so being able to provide, that is key. ⁓ So think about where you can provide. ⁓ Think about the places where you can take more initiative. Because that's the thing, if you don't, it's not like you get out of school and then all of a sudden it's like, well, I already, we've already talked about who we're getting married to, right? That's not generally what happens. So you have to kind of start proving yourself to the dads more so than anything that you would be a worthy candidate for marrying their daughter. And... Usually, like in a church community, a good way to do that is by participating in things and by doing stuff that other people can see, not just so they can see it, but like you are publicly taking initiative. You're publicly participating. You're leading yourself well, making it clear that you could lead somebody else well. ⁓ It's a lot more self-development work than it is, ooh, let me make sure my, let me go find my lady. The lady is gonna notice. don't jump to, I'm gonna go pursue this person. Probably jump to get your stuff in order before you think about adding another person in there. So what's not in order for you? Figure that out. Maybe it's money, maybe it's where you're gonna live, maybe it's, mean, it be both of those. ⁓ So there are, it's way more on the providing and on the personal, get yourself spiritually ready, like as best you can, so that means, you know, being more ruthless with your sin, being more devoted to the Lord. Those are the kind of things that you think about. It's not, who am gonna marry? Maybe you already know that. Like maybe you already feel like you know that, maybe you don't know that. That part doesn't matter so much as long as you are still trying to actively show that you can take care of people, you're taking care of yourself. I mean, be a good student, be a student who takes initiative, that will help you if you think you wanna do that earlier. So, it means you gotta start early if you wanna. be married early. It's funny, I've heard a critique over church where some guy said it was like, know, if a guy starts dating any of young ladies at church, everybody knows. And my older brother was like, yeah, that's not a good thing. Like you get all the extra load of people expecting you to know to be a man about it. Yeah. I also heard this other older gentleman say, I think mostly as a joke, but he's like, one of the first steps in knowing that you're ready for marriage is knowing that you'll never be ready for marriage. Yeah, well it's kind of like the more righteous you get, the more you understand how not righteous you are. it's probably a good sign. I mean, it is kind of the discussion about like, if you're an elder, like, you should want to be an elder, but also if you really think you're ready to be an elder, that could be a problem, might not be a problem, but guys have been approached, like, you wanna be an elder? I don't know if I'm ready, I don't know if I've got the stuff. At some point, you're have to just be like, okay, think, I feel like I shouldn't be ready and also I might actually be ready, so let's go ahead and do that. So it's tricky to do that, but there is totally the, you're not gonna be ready, so. If you understand that, then you might be more ready than you think you are. Yeah. What should a guy keep in mind when he's dating or pursuing a young lady? Boundaries. So make boundaries. we, and the boundaries can be different. I'm not saying this is like the template that you need to copy and paste into your workflow, but We had certain boundaries while we were courting. So before we were engaged, which was I wasn't gonna hug her, we weren't gonna cuddle. I can't remember if we even said we were gonna hold hands or not. there was, because we had already, so like we had danced with each other before. Hi Troy, hi buddy. We had already. danced with each other before, like we were comfortable enough with each other, we had acted before, so like it was clear that we did not have problems being that close to one another. So it's like you probably don't need to put accelerant on that, you need to figure out, are we going to work together well when it comes to solving our own sin problems? Are we going to align on general mission and vision of our lives? parts about us being together would be really difficult. Make it not actually super fun. Like, it should be a little bit cold at that courting process because you... A little weighty. Yeah, add more weight to it. adds some seriousness to it that if you just went in guns a blazing and you were like, well, of course we're gonna hold hands and cuddle. Well, it's like, then like, you're trying to figure out why you shouldn't go together to some extent. Like what are the problems we're gonna run into? What are the things we're gonna have differences about? What what are the things that are gonna make it hard for us to be married? Are there any things that make it where we really this would be a horrible idea? So then once we got engaged I was allowed to hug her we held hands and we could like mean we were sitting next to each other before but we weren't doing a lot of touching then we were sitting comfortably next to each other so there are like these there were steps to it where like, I can be as close to my wife as I want, she's my wife. But treating her like your wife when you're courting her is dumb. She's not your wife. She is still not yours because she has not been given to you by her dad yet. And trying to respect that, even if the dad, so like if you're in a situation where the dad doesn't have that kind of a mindset. you should act like he should have that mindset and treat her still like he does have that mindset. So force him into having that mindset of, no, you're gonna give me your daughter on our wedding day. If you get to that point, I'm gonna treat her like she is not mine yet because she's not. Yeah. Well, isn't that like how some of the guys, when they contacted other fathers and the fathers were like really surprised like. Wait, you're asking my permission to go date my daughter. Why aren't you just dating her? Like, what the hell? Like, they didn't understand that. It was just like really funny to me. What should change in your life when you have a kid? I guess we're switching a little gears here, Gosh, well. What should change? Your sleeve, you know. It's, I mean, it is funny, because like. I wasn't really nervous about having our kid until, I mean there were a couple times where I was like, hey I gotta get some of these things done and there was like some more urgency but when the day that you went into labor, I got really nervous. Not because I was like, I don't know how to handle this. It was way more because I was like, you start, because like we have nephews who are, you know, three years old, four years old in that area. And they're crazy. they require, even Titus, who's a year old, he requires discipline and he requires talking to, now not the same as Pete. Pete and Eddie can reason with you a little bit more. Titus is not reasoning with you. He's just either being mad or he's happy. But there's still discipline with Titus, where with Dallas, she's two weeks old, two weeks in a day today. there's no real discipline that's happening. I do try to communicate to her a couple things through prayer that the Lord would help her understand that we love her. And I mean, it's clear that she knows that we love her, but still communicating that I want her to understand that we love her, even though I can tell her that and she can't, she doesn't understand the words that I'm saying, but I want her to feel that I love her. So I'm praying for that. I tell her when it, because she's, She communicates clearly enough with her different kinds of crying and she's very chill so there's not a lot of crying anyways. ⁓ But it's clear when it's like she's just generally uncomfortable, maybe she's gassy, she wants food, she's cold or whatever. That's clear. When it is a little bit more of like a little more rage behind it. A little more attitude. I do tell her no. Not in ⁓ expecting that she's going to understand or stop. But so that when she can understand, That's not a new thing. So she is then being primed for discipline. ⁓ But that is not the same, like her as a two-week-old and her as a year old or a three-year-old, there's gonna be different stages of discipline. So like right now, it's very much like meet the baby's needs. So baby needs food, where are you mama? Because like I can't supply the food for her. I mean, I could if we were given her formula, which like, Bazen's getting her wisdom teeth out next week. ⁓ So we're breastfeeding, but still with some bottle in between so Bazen can still get some more rest, because it's rough getting your wisdom teeth out. Have you had your wisdom teeth? Okay, it's rough. I mean, I had to have mine done at UW. because they were afraid that I was gonna bleed too much and they were like, we're gonna have to take you to the hospital anyways if you bleed too much, so we're just gonna send you there. It was funny, because my mom had her wisdom teeth out when she was younger and like easy, like next day she was good and doing stuff. And then her sister was like, I don't know if I should get my wisdom teeth, and my mom's like, it is easy, get them out. And her sister was like on the couch for days, like blue, just. Roth, it's like, that's not Sorry. Because I actually wasn't that swollen and I didn't really bruise, but I did bleed a decent amount, but they, at UW, because they have more specialty things there, they have some specialty gauze that helps you not bleed as much, so that was better, but I spent probably two, three days on the couch. And then it was up and around, but you still can't do a bunch of stuff and you have to rinse it out with like the little spray thing in there. Yeah. It's annoying, but it's fine. I had to do that because I got... started getting some swelling on one of the sides. I mean it didn't get infected, because that's really rough. it was... Because there's a hole there. And that is the weirdest thing for a while. It's like... Trait to the nerve. When you can put your tongue in the hole where the tooth was, that's really odd. I tried to avoid that, just because it was so weird. It is really weird. So anyways, all of that to say, when your kid is a little older and the... parenting pieces come in more, like the actual you discipline your kid, you talk, like you're talking to your kid more, like we talk to her, but it's more, it could be incoherent babble on our part and she would probably still get the same stuff from that. But the thing that changes, I think, when you have a kid is it's still more initiative, more responsibility, more leading of the family, because especially like your wife after she has the baby, probably gonna have some hormonal changes and it's probably gonna be more easily either easily irritable, easily saddened, easily, you know, like, mood swings. So there are some challenges with that, like, and Bazen's done a really, very, very good job, but you know, there are still times where it's like, actually you can't behave like that. And communicating, and this is the tension that is hard, communicating, you can definitely be sad. That is no problem. You tell me you're sad, I'm going to give you what I can to make it comfortable for you in the right kinds of ways, but also you still have to have some kind of self-control. So when it becomes just despair and gloom, like that's, you know, we want to limit that and we don't want it to start, you know, if you're sad about something, that is fine. People are allowed to be sad about stuff. There is a time for mourning, there's a time for weeping. That is real. The problem is when that becomes now you're gonna take that out on other things. And so for the guys, it is a you have got to help your wife stay on track, even not necessarily that she needs to be la la la happy 100%, no crying all the time. That's not gonna happen. You need to keep her on track of at least continuing to move forward and remembering who she needs to have faith in. That means you gotta keep having faith. That means you gotta be steady. I mean, our baby is so easy. Lots of people, it's a lot harder. Because baby's not sleeping and so you're way more sleep deprived. I'm sleeping through the night. The baby is basically sleeping through the night because she kind of coos a little bit, bathes and wakes up and feeds her like twice and then goes back to sleep. Baby goes back to sleep. So it's really not that bad currently. It's been a lot worse for people. mean, I was a horrible baby, like the worst. There was no cooing on my part. It was just rage, 124.7, 124.7. 124.7. Yeah, exactly. 100%. 100%, 24.7, 365. So it's like guys just keep taking initiative. Keep being proactive in trying to help and you know. Love on your baby, love on your wife. So there's not like a whole lot that needs to change because also one of the key things, I think a lot of parents, they have their kids and they're like, our lives are a lot different now. Why? Why do your lives, why does your life need to be a lot different? Your life should actually be pretty much the same. The kid is a part of your life. When you have kids, it's not that you're a part of their lives. I mean, you are, but. I mean, that's true, but like you actually are still needing to live your life. they are coming along for the ride. So they are now under the headship of the dad, meaning they're part of what the dad is doing. So at some point, obviously you are raising running partners, but you're not actually at that point yet with a three-year-old or even a 10-year-old. So like when your kid is no longer in your house, Or I mean, even if they are in your house, but more of an adult. So like if you're an older, like if you're 22 or whatever and you're a girl, you're still there. Well, you might still be a running partner, but you're still at the house under the protection of the dad. But it's not actually that the kids need to flip your life upside down. It's that you are adding another person into your group. It's not that everything now revolves around them. So when, you know, if, ⁓ you know, if Basin was sitting here, we were talking. and our kid ran up. Let's say they were five, whatever. They say, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, I need help. Not necessarily I need help, like, I want a cookie or whatever. There's two options there. Bazen could either go, yes, what do you need? Like, we're in the middle of talking. She could just stop, look at the kid, talk to the kid, take care of what the kid needs. Or she could say, actually, you're gonna wait, your dad is talking, you're gonna wait patiently, and then I'll talk to you afterwards. Which option are we taking? We're taking number two. Because the kid needs to understand that the kid is not actually the priority. That's not the case. Mama and Dada being on the same page about things, that is priority number one. We are the unit. You are an addition to the unit. You are not going to trump what we're doing. So, know, John Lovell, the Warrior Podes Society guy, I saw a video where he was talking about that and he was like, maybe wait even a little bit longer in the conversation. Maybe keep talking a little bit longer to have the kid wait because the kidneys understand I'm a kid. I'm not actually just allowed to get whatever I want whenever I want it. So it teaches patience, but it also teaches respect and it teaches that, hey, this is the head of your household, he's talking to me, you're going to wait. And then obviously you still want to take care of the kid, make sure the kid has what they need. If they came over asking for a cookie, they might not need the cookie, whatever. If they come in and they're bleeding out of their mouth. Sure, if their arm is clearly broken. Maybe then you do it, but again, the general idea is kid is not first in rank. Not first in command. You are. The dad is, and then the mom, and then the kids. Apparently it took my sister Kara forever to learn how to walk because anytime she wanted something, she would just like point and go, eh. And then all of her siblings would go and grab it for her and break it. She was teaching them. Figuring out how to, yeah. What, so I guess we kinda touched on this a little bit with you talking about like getting a job or a house or like kinda focusing on those things, but what pursuits should a guy have when thinking of starting a family, if he's looking to get one started or whatever? ⁓ Maybe this is kind of... Unexpected, seeking to at least fit the elder requirements. So one of the elder requirements is that you are like basically you keep your family in order. Not like you better do that, but your family has fellowship, your family is in fellowship and your family is operating together and it's organized. Obviously there are families that are more chaotic. That's not the point. The point is that sin is being managed. and that the dad is the one who is leading, and that the wife is submissive but also still raising the kids, and that the kids are submissive but also they're still on their own personal journeys of faith. That's part of the elder requirements. Here's the thing, elder requirements, even if you're not an elder, those are really good things to have. Because it does not say in the elder requirements, you need to understand all the Greek. Or you need to understand how to read Hebrew. It doesn't say that, it's about personal qualities of the people. master's degree in physics. Physics. So it's like, those are, you could think about those more like, well those are, male attributes, those should be male attributes. So if you're seeking, if you're pursuing eldership on the principle level, that's fantastic. That's gonna set you up for success. And also, maybe along the way you're like, hey, maybe I do wanna be an elder. And maybe you don't. That is also one of the elder requirements is that you wanna be an elder. So you don't need to pursue, I mean, not many of you should be teachers. So like not everybody should be an elder. All right, guys. Thanks for listening. See you guys next time. Choice men signing off. Peace. and not everybody's gonna feel like they wanna be an elder. That's not my point. My point is the other requirements in there, those are the attributes. The last, you know, the kind of very important one is like you want to be an elder. And... It's kinda like the guy who's like, he's certified to do stuff, but he doesn't have to do those things. I mean, if you know how to do, if you like know all the stuff about how to be an electrician, but you don't wanna be an electrician, great, you don't have to be an electrician. It's not like, you learned that last thing, so now you're, you have to be an electrician. That's not how the system works. The system is, do you wanna be an elder? No? Okay, fine. Maybe we'll pressure you a little bit and try to push some buttons, see why. Why do you not wanna be an elder? Because maybe you really fit the, you really fit as a great option for an elder and you don't wanna be an elder, why? Maybe there's a heart problem, maybe there's not. ⁓ But again, I think the pursuits, you you should be pursuing those kind of personal qualifications. You should be pursuing, you know, legacy. So what are you building? And that could be, mean, most of the time people think about legacy as like an inheritance, what's the money situation. That is totally part of it, but the other piece is way more community and culture. What community and culture pieces did you build and leave behind? That's your legacy. Obviously, money is great, it's helpful, and important for some of those things. But most of what we're talking about is the general, you should have a legacy of culture and community. There are lots of guys who left behind culture and community without money. Now it'd be great if you could add the money in there for your people. so generational wealth and legacy, those are some other pursuits. Good personal qualifications, generational wealth, and legacy on the community and culture piece. That'd be my list of pursuits, I suppose. Because it's not, everybody needs to be interested in the same stuff. You probably should be interested in those things. To whatever extent, not that everybody's gonna have the same stuff. That's not the point, but some of those things are really good to have for your people. Cue the sirens. Here's the big cue the sirens like, should we have a drum roll here? Do we have a drum roll? We've got a drum roll. There you go, drum roll should be going right now. So it's pretty impressive. Okay, go ahead. If there is a young man in school, whether high school, probably high school time, because it'd be kind of confusing if it was earlier than that, who thinks he's found the one, what do you say to that? I say shut up, bro. ⁓ No, just kidding. There's. You know, if you really feel, so like Ian married the person that he loved from like third grade or whatever, whatever they met. like. It's possible. It's possible. But for the most part, like, let's say you're in ninth grade. I feel like ninth grade, that'd be a good, where it's like early, but it's also not, you know, crazy early. Yeah, and you're not getting close to the end either. Yeah, and you're also nowhere near being done with school. I think, and this is the, you know, wait. I love this person so much. Here's the thing, are you able to take care of her right now? Hell no. Are you able to, you know, like, is she actually able to be yours right now? No. So it's time to think about other things. So you can acknowledge that, potentially. But here's the thing, I think that when you get to that point that early, there's a problem probably in how you've been raised to some extent. That would be my opinion. Because I think that, you know, because that was the thing that my mom and dad would ask me a lot is, is there anybody that you feel like is easier to give special attention to? Yes, no, depends on the time. And if there's certain people that you're paying more attention to, fine. What you need to do at that point is you need to look at the attributes. Because actually, there are people who have very similar attributes. Like, do they seem like a good Christian person? Yes? Fantastic. You know what? There's more than one of them. Right. And you're in ninth grade. So like, calm down. And the other thing is it's really good that you noticed that piece about that person. That's good. But calm down and I love this person. I have to marry them. Calm down on that because you're not ready. And the other thing is, ninth grade, how much responsibility are you taking? How much initiative are you taking? What in ninth grade could you prove to a dad that would make it seem like if somehow you were able to get married right now, that that would be a good idea? Because I guarantee you, you can't. You don't have that. You can be working towards that. Like, it would be great if we were producing senior men all the time who like, right out of high school. could be good candidates. But even at that point, that is real fast. Because also, there's not as much testing that's been happening right after your senior year. Right, they have not. And I am not actually a big proponent of you need to leave for a long time or a year and then you can come back and then you can be reinstated to your people. I don't actually think that needs to happen. I think some people, that's great for. and it's worked out great for some of those people. I think some people don't actually need that. And focus on your work. Get more responsibility. If you're in ninth grade and you think that you know the person you need to marry, I don't think you're doing enough work. Like, get busier, do more stuff, stop thinking about that. And it's hard to tell people to stop thinking about that. How do you do that? Well, then you start thinking about other things. So. Or run on the trail. Yeah, get in more shape. Get, you know, do other. do other stuff to fill that time. So it's kind of like if you, you know, let's say you're just continually having a bad attitude and your mom and dad say stop having a bad attitude. I mean, that's kind of good advice. It is good advice, but the better advice is to do this thing. So that's one of the things that's a great example of Joseph when he, you know, with Potiphar, his wife, He not only said no, he ran the other direction. That is the embodiment of run away from sin. Run away from the things. Do something else that's proactive. Don't just sit there and go, I'm not thinking about it, I'm not thinking about it, I'm not thinking about it, because when you're doing that, you're thinking about it. And then you're gonna get bored and you're gonna be destructive. purple elephant. Crap, I'm thinking about a purple elephant. Think about a blue elephant. Think about something else. Do other work. You're, again, it's just, it feels useless to be in ninth grade going, I know the person I'm gonna marry. You know what, and maybe you do, but how about you do some other stuff first? Because also, you might know the person you think you wanna marry. I'm not sure that other person is like, hey, you know what, this ninth grader is really just the best person ever, and I wanna marry him He looks like he got his stuff together. Wow. That is a grown man right there. You're not a grown man. You're in ninth grade. You're not even really a grown man when you're a senior. Hopefully you're closer. Hopefully, yeah. Maybe you are. I don't know. I I had a semblance of a beard in 12th grade, but that doesn't make you a man. It doesn't make you a man. Does that answer that question? That does, yeah. That was good. Yeah, and actually that was my last question. Okay,