Chris McCurley: All right. So here we go. Talking about sex tonight. And I will tell you like I used to tell the junior high and high school students when I taught health and we came to Sex Ed, don't ask questions and don't laugh and we'll get through this, okay? You know how when you're watching a T V show and it breaks for commercial and when it comes back from commercial it kind of recaps what happened before the commercial and it's kind of annoying, but I guess they figure after ten minutes of commercials you probably forgot what happened. We're gonna do that for just a few moments. Gotta retrace our steps. Last week I asked you if you believed this. In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. Do you believe this? And do you believe that in the beginning there was an act or an accident? And how you answer that question is gonna make a whole lot of difference in how you view life. Because if you believe that we're all just here by chance, then you're gonna live your life differently. Doesn't mean that you don't believe in morality and and rules and doing the right thing because it's the right thing to do. Even many atheists believe that. But you're still gonna live life differently and in a different direction. Whereas if you believe that God created all of this that we get to enjoy and that we partake in, then you're gonna live life in a different direction. And so it shouldn't surprise us when someone who doesn't share our biblical ethic would live life differently than us or disagree with the way that we think on things. We're on two different planes, we're running two different races, right? And so maybe rather than getting all worked up into a lather, maybe we should pause and take time to consider that maybe our hearts need to be softened and and help others to maybe come around to the truth. I do know this, that once you slam the door, you lose every opportunity. Keep that door open. Stay in the conversation. Because there are plenty of people in this world that don't agree with you. And we won't reach them if we slam a door. What lens are you looking through? That is the question. Do you believe in a divine design? And if you do, then it shapes everything else that you believe. The Bible informs your beliefs and your behaviors, and it starts right here in Genesis 1 1. In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. Do you believe this? And if so, then what's true of creation in general is true of sexuality specifically. The question focuses on design, not desire. It focuses on purpose rather than your pleasure, and it's about truth over your feelings. You move down to verse twenty seven of Genesis one. It reads God created man in his own image. In the image of God he created him. Male and female he created them. This verse tells us two very profound things about humans. Number one, it tells us that God made us in his image, all of us, which means that every one of us, every human being on the planet, has value, and this has huge implications for sexuality. Secondly, it tells us that God made us male and female and was very good. So all questions about sexuality and gender point back to Genesis 1 27. Sexuality is a constitutive part of human nature and human experience shaped By God's will for creation. It's not, however, the singular defining aspect of human identity. Our culture presents it that way. Our culture presents sexuality as the biggest deal. It defines you, it says everything about you, but God says otherwise. Sexuality is a part of our divine design. But your identity is all wrapped up, all tied up, all tangled up in Jesus. God's fingerprints are all over you. You are molded and shaped by Him. And that's what it means to be a disciple. That's what it means to be transformed and not conformed. Who we are is defined by the one we follow. And so I'm not a preacher. You're not a lawyer or a banker or a an employee. That's not your identity. That's what you do. But who you are at your core is a child of God, a disciple of Jesus Christ. Sexuality is a component part of who we are. It's not all that we are. It's important, but it's not everything. Everything is Jesus. My identity is found in him. So everything that I am, everything I believe, everything that I think, everything that I say, everything that I do is a reflection of the one who lives in me. I take my cues from God's word, from Jesus, which means that how I view everything, including sexuality, is through a spiritual lens. I want to point you to another piece of scripture that might seem random, but one that has great bearing on our conversation on sexuality. It's this Ephesians. Chapter six verse twelve. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. I like how the contemporary English version renders it. It says we are not fighting against humans. We are fighting against forces and authorities and against rulers of darkness and powers in the spiritual world. I think it's easy. To point our finger at the person that disagrees with us and see them as a foe, as an enemy, but there's an enemy behind that enemy. And that's what Paul is telling us. That humans are not the villains, many times are the victims. There's an enemy behind the enemy, and it's it's Satan, and he has a lot of power. Doesn't have authority, but he has a lot of power. And so we have to recognize who we're fighting against. It's not the government, it's not, you know, some worldview. It's against Satan. And this is a spiritual battle. And God wants us to know our opponent and wants us to know the battle that we are truly fighting. So in our culture, there are two extremes when it comes to sex. Either it is God or it is gross. And that's really the two extremes that we see in our culture today. It's obsession or suppression. It's either an idol or it's taboo. In the church we often avoid the subject at all costs, and the reason why is because it's a bedroom topic and who wants to talk about what goes on in the bedroom. It's embarrassing. It's embarrassing for the preacher to talk about it. It's embarrassing for the congregants to hear about it. It's kinda like I think it was the mid eighties. My parents took me to see Top Gun in the movie theater. And if you ever seen the original Top Gun, there's a pretty racy scene in there, and I was squirming and they were squirming, and my mother covers my eyes at one point. It's embarrassing, right? And and and so as a result, many times we just don't talk about it. But everybody else is talking about it. The whole world is talking about have you not noticed that our world is saturated with sex? There are plenty of messengers out there, and their message is not biblical, and too many people are listening to them. If we're not going to talk about it, then that's rather foolish. And so I think it's important that we approach the topic. Marriages are being destroyed due to a lack of sex, extramarital sex, or lackluster sex. Yet in our churches we remain tight-lipped for fear of being made uncomfortable. And if we do talk about sex, we often zero in on how destructive it can be. We talk about you know the don'ts and we use scare tactics to try to steer our teens away from the very idea of sex, and we sometimes act like sex is a tool of the devil rather than a gift from God. And here's the message in a nutshell. Sex is the most scandalous. sinful, shameful thing in the world. So you better save it for somebody you love. Genesis 1, 27 and 28. It says, God created man in his own image. In the image of God he created him. Male and female, he created them. God blessed them, and God said to them, Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky, and over every living thing that moves on the earth. Notice that God blessed Adam and Eve. And after he blessed them, he said, Go and have sex. Be fruitful and multiply. Go and make babies. Sex within the confines of marriage is not dirty. It's not gross. It's a blessing. It is a gift. But we have to understand the conditions and the guardrails, the limitations associated with the gift. Sex is something that God intends to occur between a man and a woman in the marriage covenant. It is a unifying act. It brings couples together. It is an honorable expression of love and intimacy. It is not man-made. Sex is God designed, but it is only God ordained when it occurs between a man and a woman within the covenant of marriage. So there's reason God placed boundaries on this sacred gift because in his infinite wisdom he knew the devastation that it could cause because we humans are pretty good with taking something that is a good gift from God and perverting it and twisting it and contorting it. He's a well-aware of the power of lust. He knows the urges and the temptation to satisfy those urges. He knows all about the allure of the God of sexual pleasure, and he is keenly aware that Satan will pull out all the stops in order to entice people to bow down to the idol of sex. The God of sex whispers in our ear to entice us to remove all the restraints, to cross all the boundaries, and to run wild. And it's kind of like seatbelts. You may find them uncomfortable, but they're there to provide safety. You might not like sitting at a red light because you're busy and you've got places to go. But they're there for your safety. And God is not trying to withhold something from us, He's trying to bless us with something because He understands that when we move beyond the guardrails, we end up in the ditch. One of the God-given purposes for sex is procreation. You could probably have guessed that. The command given to Adam and Eve was to go and make babies. Sex was the physical act that God used to populate the earth with more people made in his image. We know that this is still a purpose. For sex because the earth is still growing and people are still multiplying and God is still filling the earth with images of him. And there are some who would love more than anything to have children, but due to circumstances that are out of their control they have been unable to do so. And they feel guilty. And they feel ashamed because they're not fulfilling God's purpose, they think. And if that describes you, I want to tell you don't think that way. Don't feel guilt. Don't feel ashamed for that. I know you would love to have children, and I know that's something that really that really haunts you and bothers you, but but understand, it's not that you're not fulfilling God's purpose. These are circumstances that are beyond your control. And I think there are some in the religious world that have tried to nail down procreation as the only reason for sex. And that's not true. You ever read Song of Solomon? We're going to read a little bit of it here in a minute. Think about it this way. If procreation were the only reason that God gave us sex, then why did he make the act the way he did? I mean, we could just shake hands, right? Or just stare into each other's eyes for five minutes. But besides bonibos, you what bottomos are, they're a primate. Besides bonabos, we are the only species that has sex face to face, primarily. Why is that? Why did God set it up that way? Because it wasn't just for procreation, it was also for recreation. Look with me at Solomon chapter seven, Song of Solomon chapter seven, verses one through six. Song of Solomon chapter 7, starting in verse 1. How beautiful are your feet in sandals, O Prince's daughter. The curves of your hips are like jewels, the work of the hands of an artist. Your navel is like a round goblet which never lacks mixed wine. Your belly is like a heap of wheat, fenced about with lilies. Your two breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle. Your neck is like a tower of ivory, your eyes like the pools of Heshbun. By the gate of Bath Rabim, your nose is like the tower of Lebanon, which faces toward Damascus. Your head crowns you like carmel. And the flowing locks of your head are like purple threads. The king is captivated by your tresses. How beautiful and how delightful you are, my love, with all your charms. Guys, next time you're being romantic, try telling your wife that her belly is like a heap of wheat. Or that her nose is like the tower of Lebanon. And I think you saying that it's the Holy Spirit inspired words of God probably not going to save you. It makes me wonder if there is a sequel to Song of Solomon buried somewhere and they're going to dig it up and it's going to tell about Solomon's death because he used these terms of endearment. Anyway, God designed sex not just for procreation but also for recreation. If you read through Song of Solomon, you see that it is describing in in very vivid terms, I might mind you, the sexual experience between a husband and a wife. And this is so much deeper than just the act of conceiving a child. For instance. Verses seven through nine, chapter seven. Your stature is like a palm tree, and your breasts are like its clusters. I said, I will climb the palm tree, I will take hold of its fruit stalks. may your breasts be like clusters of the vine, and the fragrance of your breath like apples, and your mouth like the best wine. It goes down smoothly for my beloved, flowing gently through the lips of those who fall asleep. Now you know why nobody wants to preach on Song of Solomon in the church, right? He starts at her feet and he works his way upward. In a very tender way, he's exploring every square inch of her body. And God did not intend for sex to be this mechanical exercise only for the purpose of producing a child. He meant for sex to be enjoyed. He meant for it to be a pleasurable experience. But here's what cannot happen: sex cannot be selfish. Look at Genesis 2, 23 through 25. The man said. This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. She shall be called woman, because she was taken out of man. For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh, and the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. So God brought man and woman together, and the two of them became one flesh. In premarital counseling, I talked to couples about how we have a pyramid or a triangle. You have God at the top, the two lines intersect with him. You have yourself here, your spouse here, your future spouse here. They come across this way, and we all come together with God. So it a marriage is not fifty fifty, it's not me plus you, it's one. Under God, in a relationship with Him, we become one. It is through a covenant with each other and with God. That this spiritual commingling occurs. Notice what Paul writes in Ephesians 5, 31 through 32. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is great, but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. So sex isn't just procreation, it isn't just recreation, it's also unification, or at least it should be. It's face-to-face, intermingled bodies, one flesh. It is a reminder that you and your spouse are one. One, sex confirms the covenant. The two of you are one flesh. What God has joined together, let no man separate. Sex is a unifying act, or at least it should be. That's why sex outside of marriage is so toxic because it creates division. It's destructive. It creates guilt. It creates emotional turmoil and baggage. It doesn't unify. In fact, it does quite the opposite. Only within the covenant of marriage can man and woman be naked and unashamed. Because covenant equals oneness. You cannot satisfy the solemn require requirements of a covenant by stepping outside of that covenant and adding a third party to the relationship. Sex should be unifying. And when a married couple engages in sex, it should reinforce oneness. That's why I mentioned that sex is not selfish. Marriage is not selfish. I tell couples in premarital counseling, if you're going into this just wanting to be happy, if that's your goal, I just want to be happy, then good luck. Sex is not selfish. All too often it is treated in a self-directed manner. It's about me being fulfilled, it's about my wants and my desires. As long as I'm satisfied, that's all that really matters. But that's not what it means to live as one. Again, that's divisive. That's not united. When all I care about is myself, then how does that honor the covenant? The primary purpose of sex is not your personal happiness. Sex is an integral part of the whole. It is not the most important thing in a marriage, but it sure is important. So, with that in mind, let's get practical for a second. Allow me to give you some practical suggestions when it comes to your relationship with your spouse. And the first one I would say is. Guys, keep in mind that you're a microwave, but your wife is a crock pot. Right? Guys are ready to go in a heartbeat. Women take time to warm up. And romance is key here. And you might find that romance takes on some unusual forms. Your wife very likely finds it romantic when you load the dishwasher. When you vacuum the floor. Some of you ladies are nodding. You're not going to have a very successful sex life if you come home and you plop down on the recliner and say, When's dinner ready? So romance lead up to the event. To the ladies, never view sex as a chore. I do a lot of post-marital counseling as well. And this is one of the things that I see so often among couples, and it saddens me. It's a common problem. Be happy to be intimate with your husband. It saddens me and frustrates me when I encounter couples where the woman acts like she's doing her husband a favor by having sex with him. Neither husband nor wife should assume control of the bedroom. Sex is not a decision that is left totally in one person's hands. 100% of the time, sex is not merely a reward, nor should it be used as a weapon. Men, pay attention to your wife. Praise her. Tell her how beautiful she is. Compliment her. Comment on that new haircut. You can never over-praise your wife. When she comes home and asks you how your day was, don't just go, that's fun. Tell her. Communicate with her. Don't ignore her most of the day and then try to cuddle up with her at night. She'll begin to think that your own her only work to you is is sex. Constantly show her that you love her more than just for physical reasons. And to the ladies, understand that one of your husband's top needs is admiration. If you've ever read the book by Willard Hardley, His Needs, Her Needs. It's fascinating because it shows the top five needs for a man and the top five needs for a woman. Anybody want to guess what the top five the top need for a man is on the list? Yeah, you can guess, right? Sex. But for a woman, that's way down the list. That's not number one. And so it's important that we understand that we're different species, right? I mean, we're the same species, but we're different animals, right? We come at this thing very differently. We come at life very differently. We have different emotions and we have different needs and wants and desires. And understanding that is so important. And so to the ladies, understand that your husband's, one of your husband's top needs is admiration. He needs your respect. He needs to hear from you how much you appreciate him, admire him. You think you might think it's childish, but he's motivated by your praise. He loves your respect. Tell him what a good dad is, what how how he how great of a provider he is. Tell him how nice he looks, how much he turns you on. And never, never, never criticize him in public. Never. Or privately, but especially in public. And guys, never criticize your wife in public either. That goes both ways. Don't throw your husband or your wife under the bus in front of other people. It's hard to recover from that. Do not criticize in public. Show your love by praising and lifting one another up privately and publicly. And never hide things from one another. This is so important. Honesty is so important. Does your spouse know your PIN number, your your password on your phone? They should. You should not have a covert relationship with someone of the opposite sex on Facebook. You two should be an open book to each other. Accountability is priceless. It's a great thing in a marriage. No secrets. Nothing is hidden. And I would say this keep pursuing one another. Guys, whatever you did to win her, keep doing that to keep her. Keep pursuing your spouse. Keep the courtship alive. Be romantic. Have regular date nights. Take care of yourself. As much as possible, right? I know that probably most of us don't look like we did when we first married our spouse. It's thirty years for me and Libby. I didn't always look like a finger. I used to be a guy that had, you know, decent looks. I was, you know. I know you're thinking, how in the world did she end up with you? And I I wonder that too, but do the best you can with what you have, right? So guys, if you're constantly walking around the house and in sweats and that old tattered t shirt birching boy belching the alphabet, then eventually that's it's not gonna sit well. And wives, if you come to bed every night and those old sweats and rollers in your hair and pimple cream on your face, it's it's not good either. Keep the romance alive. Do the best you can with what you have. And don't give each other your crumbs. Don't settle for leftovers. You will never find the time. You have to create the time. Create alone time. If your kids are still small, invest in a lock on your door. Don't put your relationship with your kids above the relationship with your spouse. It's you and her, or it's you and him that came first. Kids come third in a marriage. I said that. Kids come third in the marriage. God first, you and your spouse, then your children. And your children won't suffer by being third. In fact, it's the best thing that you can teach them and show them. To see a mother and father that love one another and love God above all else, it's a beautiful thing. There are too many households where a little five year old is kicking the parents' tail. And that shouldn't be happening. They should know that we serve God. And that we're a partnership, we're a holy union. And so create the time with each other. For Libby and I, it was nine o'clock. Kids went to bed at nine o'clock, and if there were no extenuating circumstances, like a kid throwing up and nine o'clock, we locked the door, we talked, we watched TV. That was our time. Whatever, that was our time. Have that time. And invest it. Create it, because you'll never find it. Just hate to get to a a point where your kids leave the house and you look at your spouse and go, I d I don't even know who you are. Remember these words from Paul, 1 Corinthians chapter 7, beginning in verse 3. The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does, and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. Well, Paul's not very politically correct, is he? He'd struggle in this day and time, wouldn't he? I don't think he'd back off of anything he was saying, though. Highlight these words in your Bible. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. So you truly do belong to one another. Remember, you're one. And Paul emphasizes unification here, which is not surprising because in all of his letters unity was a major theme. But here it's unity as it pertains to the marriage covenant. Husband and wife are one. They belong to one another. And Paul is not suggesting that either should take advantage of this oneness and demand sexual submission. He's simply stating that it's not only about you and your wants or your desires, you live for someone else. Marriage is a great teacher of that. And those who don't learn it end up with a really bad marriage. You live for God and your spouse. Depriving one another of one another is not healthy and it violates what God has designed. Sex is a good thing. It's a gift from God. Treasure the gift by enjoying. What God intended. When my son Zane was about nine or ten years old, we were making the ten hour trek from Abilene, Texas to Paragol, Arkansas. I think it was over Thanksgiving. And it was just gonna be me and him in the car, and I thought, well, this this will be a good time. This will be a good time to have the talk, right? About the birds and the bees. And so I work up the courage and we get a little ways down the road and I start in. And I get about five or ten minutes into the conversation, and my son who lives here now and it you've seen him at church with us. If you know him, he's he's rather stoic. He he's not a man of many words. And he just listened. But after about ten minutes he interrupted me. He said, Dad, I already know all this. And I said, Really? Nine or ten years old? You already know all this? He goes, Yeah. I said, Well, who told you? And he said, Eric. Eric's his friend that lived down the street. I didn't want to accept that one of his peers knew all the ins and outs about marriage and the covenant of marriage and sex and the birds and the bees. But it just reminded me that there are so many messengers in the world. Many of them have no clue what they're talking about, but they speak anyway. One thing social media has done for us, it's not all bad, there's some good, but one of the things it has done that I think is a negative is they've given everybody a platform and everybody's become an expert on everything. There's so many messengers out there. And these messengers have an agenda. So we've got to get the message right and we've got to understand that there's only one messenger that truly sets the standard and the tone for all of this. Marriage is not man made, it's God designed, and therefore how a marriage functions, including sex, reverts back to him and his message. Every messenger has a message, every messenger has an agenda, and certainly our messenger does as well. Sexuality is the central issue of our time, and all too often we're too embarrassed to talk about it. And you know who's not too embarrassed to talk about it? All these other messengers. So we'd better talk about it. We need to do our best to control the narrative and to promote a different message. And it starts here. And it starts in our homes. And I and I hope that you won't just talk about it, that you'll live it. One of the things that I love to do is gross out my kids. I'd kiss my wife in the kitchen or something. gross dad. I thought that was a great thing. Gross out your kids. That's a good thing. Keep God first. You guys are second. Children are third. You keep that order intact, and I think you'll see good things happen. And remember, this is not about you and your personal happiness. This is all about God. It's all about your your spouse. And it's all about both of you giving 100%. It's not 50-50 arrangement. It's both of you giving a hundred percent. Let's pray. Our most kind and gracious Heavenly Father. We are so grateful for another day. So grateful for the opportunity to be here. We love you. We thank you for loving us. And we just appreciate so much your will for our lives, and we pray that we can live at the center of that will. Thank you for giving us a message, and may we live by that message. We love you, and it's in your Son's precious name we pray. Amen. Ben has a song. If you have a need, why don't you come as we stand and as we sing?