Audra Queen: Hello, dance CEOs. been reflecting on what is one of the core things that is hurting a dance business owners ability to ⁓ grow their business, achieve the goals they want ⁓ and do it in a way that doesn't them out. ⁓ And one of the core is people pleasing. And please know that first I share this. from a place of a recovered people pleaser. And this is something that is absolutely ingrained in us. If you've grown up in the dance world that, you the mentality of knowing that maybe there's many of you auditioning for a role or you're all wanting to get selected as doing the solo. And so you give everything you have at without even questioning what is a healthy boundary for you because you want it so bad. And that carries over into our personal lives and into adulthood and how we run our businesses. And I think one of the core things that happens with people pleasing is that we have a fear of hurting someone else if we don't say yes or do the thing that we feel would be best for them, regardless of if it's the best for us. And I also believe that one of the reasons why this is such ⁓ challenge in the dance world is that so many dance business owners and dancers and educators haven't taken the time to figure out what is best for themselves. So it's not that they can just switch gears into that. It's that if they were to stop focusing on pleasing others out of guilt and fear that they wouldn't know what to replace it with. And again, I share that I am a recovered people pleaser. I will Also add that a part of that was my adult diagnosed ADHD and autism and recognizing there were some added layers to that. But in general, I know that this is a common challenge because I hear it from so many of you. Even if you don't say it so blatantly, I witnessed it, I see it, it comes up as a challenge. Even if it's not stated as such in conversations I have. So what do do about that? Well, first we need to address the fears that come up if you think about what do I do if I stop trying to please everyone? ⁓ I understand the fear that's attached to that because you're afraid that you will, ⁓ the that you've had this whole time that have caused you to be a people pleaser for so long, ⁓ you're that they will come to fruition. The fear that someone will reject you, that you will lose a client. that you won't be seeing someone who values what you do and that you don't work as hard and that you maybe aren't as good as you say you are. And it's all personal based. And I do agree that in the dance world, having a business is not black and white because it is something that we are doing from our heart and because we care so much about it. And so there's absolutely overlap. but it shouldn't be to the extent at the cost of ourselves. And this is not just an easy thing to fix. this isn't just something that's gonna be resolved by listening to this podcast. It did take me a good few years to really truly fully make it to the other side. And that was without really fully understanding and having this outside perspective from somebody else who got it. And if I had had someone in a similar position as myself now, back then, ⁓ it would have probably been a game changer and moved the transition and transformation along. So what does it look like on the other side? I can tell you with ease and confidence that I am able to say yes and no without hesitation to requests that are asked of me because I am clear on what is aligned for me and what my boundaries are work-wise, what my boundaries are personally. And so I have all that sorted out. So when someone comes to me and says X, Y, and Z, past me would have said yes, because I was afraid to lose an opportunity, a client, X, Y, Z. And now I'm able to say, is this aligned with what I'm working towards or not? And then I can make a decision from there. Or does this person and I hold similar values that we can honor and easily work together? A lot of the times when things are asked of me, it's to focus on that person's priorities at the cost of my own priorities. I invite you to let that sink in. A lot of the time when someone asks something of me, it's to focus on their priorities at the cost of my priorities. They're not worried about my priorities. They're worried about achieving their priorities and they are asking for help, just like we do, right? Let's say, If you are someone who is putting on the end of the year recital or any type of dance performance, your priority is having that be successful. And so you ask others who are normally within the realm of your school or company or business to help you achieve that, right? And that makes sense because they understand that they've agreed to being a part of that outcome. ⁓ Sometimes you might experience there's some people who aren't a huge fan of some of the things you've asked them to do outside of maybe the teaching. Right? Like maybe they know they need a choreograph and set a dance, but maybe they don't want to spend all those extra hours in the theater. But this applies to you too. Someone in any capacity, dance or otherwise can come to you and say, Hey, can you help me with X, Y, and Z? And I suspect that the habitual thing that you do without even thinking about it is saying yes, regardless of your plate already being overfilled, not having the emotional mental capacity to take on another thing. and not even just one word, one more thing you're adding up on the list that's pushing anything that regards you personally, or even some major things you wanted to do professionally, pushing them down the list. So I invite you to pause for a moment and just check in with how you're feeling as I'm sharing this. What is your body's response to what I'm saying? Are you feeling some stress, apprehension? Are you feeling defensive? Are you feeling Like you're just your body's maybe pulling back and is not on board. If that is your response currently, please know you are not alone. That is a very common place to be when you function normally out of fear, especially when you're afraid to disappoint others and that the costs that might come back on you. going extremely more personally. If you are feeling any sorts of these things, I invite you to take a moment to bring your hand or hands to your heart center. Close your eyes if that feels safe for you and just take a breath into your hands, into your heart center with it then an easy exhale. And as you do this a few times, I invite you to let yourself know that you're safe, that these are ideas that are just ideas and that you're not being asked to do anything that could harm you at this time. and you're just listening and being open to another thought process. If you did do this for a little bit longer, you can pause the podcast, take the time that you need and then come back. I do want to add that part of my experience of extreme people pleasing, I already shared with ADHD and autism, but part of it also stemmed from being in a relationship for 10 years, eight of those married with someone who was emotionally, mentally abusive. And it definitely added layers and reasons for me to be a pleaser, to reduce negative impact towards me and outcomes. One of the things I have learned as I've shifted into a healthy yes or no with confidence and without losing sleep over it or feeling fear or resentment or guilt or all the things is also recognizing who gets access to me to ask things of me. I am now very particular. I curate for lack of a better word. who is in my space and gets that close personal time and attention from me or even would consider, you know, who I would even be okay with them proposing something to ask of me, colleague, friend, family member. I don't just let anybody do that. I've learned to filter out relationships that don't serve me. Maybe they did at one point, but I've released them because they no longer do or they never really did. But maybe Again, the people pleasing had me attached to somebody that wasn't the best for me. I mean, I'm not married anymore to this individual I mentioned earlier for a reason. So there are so many layers to this and it's not gonna be a you finish this episode and you move on in your life and you're cured. But the first step is first accepting that maybe you want it to be different. even if that means that nothing changes outwardly for now, that you recognize that you're tired of putting others first at the expense of your wellbeing, mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, professionally, personally, and that you are tired of allowing yourself to be the cost of someone else getting what they want from you if it's not done in a way that's loving. I'm not saying you can't say yes. but there is a skillset that develops once you're able to get into a place of developing healthy boundaries that lets you ⁓ ascertain which yes is to say yes to. And an easy way to do that, I heard this from Rachel Hollis many years ago when she was on a podcast, I don't know which one, she had shared that she learned after the first year that her first big book, Girl, Stop Apologize, or sorry, Girl, Wash Your Face was her first big book. And that first year, she and her then husband said yes to everything. Yes to every opportunity to promote her book, go speak in person, help get it out there because this was new for her. And there was a cost. It was her physical, mental, emotional well-being. There was a cost to her family. She was able to be as present. It impacted her relationship with her kids and her then husband. And going into the new year, they're like, it has to be different this year. We have to be very particular in what we say yes to. And she had come up with the thought process like, if my body and myself don't get excited about this opportunity, and it's not a hell yes, I want to do that, then it's a hell no, I'm not doing that. There's no in between. So if there's like, maybe I could do it, that's a no. It's the Yes, I can totally see how your vision and my vision are parallel and complement each other. And definitely we both have like very similar and outcomes and who you serve and who I serve are very similar communities. Let's collaborate on the thing. But also still do it in a way that honors my time and commitments to other things and not sacrificing the things that are so important to me. If it's like, wow, I mean, it is an opportunity to do the thing but it doesn't really It doesn't get in front of my ideal audience. It doesn't do X, Y, and Z, or it's at a time or at the time commitment of it or whatever is not working for me. Or it's a big thing I would normally charge $300 for and they're asking me to do it for free. And the thing they're asking me to do for free for does not align with anything that I'm focusing on. It's, and I'm not excited about it. It's a no. And it takes time. And I'm just sharing these things for you to let them like plant some seeds to let the idea start to marinate that things could be different for you. And one of the core things that happens the longer you stay in the space of people pleasing is that you continue to increase the dysregulation of your nervous system. And you live in a place where the emotions that you feel regularly again, the fear, the stress. the resentment, all of that, it ⁓ takes a toll. And that is a big reason why balance isn't happening in your life. And so a lot of times you're like, just learn to say no. But there's so many things that need to go along that journey. If a dancer gets injured, let's say they severely sprained their ankle, you don't just say just stop dancing, there's extra layers that need to happen. First, you do focus on the healing of the injury and the recovery. But you also want to look back and say, well, what led us to this situation? ⁓ it turns out that you've actually felt some issues doing these dance steps for months now, but you were afraid to say anything because you didn't want to lose an opportunity that you saw coming. And now you're actually out of it anyways, right? So there's actually things that led up to that outcome. So being able to address what got us here is what it occur again. ⁓ And ⁓ is ⁓ you can habitually those feelings creep in as you're working to shift it. But that doesn't mean you're falling back and you haven't made any progress. Again, relating it to the dance world in this studio, a dancer is trying to get clean, three clean pirouettes and they've mastered two clean pirouettes and now they're doing three sloppy ones as they're working on getting that extra rotation in. And all of a sudden their clean doubles no longer exist and now they're messing up a little bit on that. But that doesn't mean that they've completely backslid and lost everything. It means that their brain is putting together the pieces to go further even more. Hopefully that analogy made sense. I don't know. What I am trying to say is that anytime you put effort in trying to improve yourself, your situation, the path you're on, what you're working towards, your life on a daily basis, as long as there's effort happening, you can never go back to where you were before. I will never revisit a relationship like I had with my ex because of the effort I've put in to grow into the person I am now. On the process of dating people until the man I met and I'm married to now, there were some not great choices. There were some similar personality traits parallel to my ex because I was still learning my boundaries, my tolerances, recognizing the red flags, but that didn't mean I was just back in it and like I never learned anything. ⁓ I was still very much, was still further along than when I had started. So I invite you to give yourself some grace if you are one of the people who are habitual people pleaser. And just remember that you're not alone. So many people in the dance world, unfortunately, also do this, but it is possible to shift and in such a way that you are able to have. you're able to have the life, such a life that you can't even comprehend it right now. And I never thought it was possible to live in the balance that I live today. I couldn't even feel it, fathom it, picture it back when I first started this journey. What I thought was, what I was trying to achieve was only like steps one or two in my journey. And I'm so much past that, but I wasn't able to see it at the time because of where I was at. And that will be your case too. And in what I see all the time with those I serve. and my clients. But I will tell you this, that if you put in the effort, even just starting to entertain the idea of letting things shift, you will have a change in your life that you can't even comprehend right now. And that it will be worth it. And if there are people that are disappointed or feel left down or upset with you or choose to not work with you, you're releasing what no longer serves you and you're creating space for those things and people who do. And the fears I had with the friends that I released in the growth journey was on both by choice and some of it naturally, because it no longer aligned with me or we weren't on the same page because I had leveled up, ⁓ created space to be then able to accept people on the levels I was, excuse me, the levels I was growing into, which I didn't comprehend at the time. I was just worried about what I was losing and I didn't realize what I was gaining because I created the space for it. So it is possible. There's things that you can't comprehend through the lens you are looking through right now because you will be a different person as you move forward and the lens will be different and your understanding will be different and the person you'll be will be different. But if you don't start to entertain the idea now, you will continue to be stuck where you are and feel the way you do because no one else is able to change how you respond to situations and the boundaries that you can put in place. No one else can force that on you. That's a you thing. Thank you for being open to this conversation. I know it's a touchy one. This might be one that hurts a little bit. And I share this because I do know it's a direct relation to the success of my business and the success of those I support on their goals professionally and personally. And that, as I always say, your professional life is only doing as well as you are doing personally. And if you're bypassing your personal wellbeing to try to achieve success professionally, you are gonna continue to be disappointed. On a positive note, you are doing amazing. You have done the best you can with the information you've had up to this point. And I want to celebrate that for you and the fact that you've chosen to continue to listen to this entire episode, even if it maybe is uncomfortable for you, is huge. And it shows that you are interested in entertaining a different way, a new way of doing things that could benefit. the you now and the long term you and what you're desiring and all those things that can be achieved and waiting for you. So if you want to talk more about this, if you're like, okay, I'm one of those people I feel seen. What do I do next? Well, I invite you to hop on a curiosity call and we can just talk maybe there's a few nuggets that come up in our conversation or maybe that there's something that makes sense and one of the services I offer to invite you into it. It's never a hard sell. You're not even, I don't even always offer opportunities to those I talk with because it's not always the right time or right fit. But even just the conversation, maybe there can be some takeaways of what to do to start with you on your path. So you can find the link for that in the show notes. And I really appreciate you being here and supporting. And if you feel that you know some other people in the dance world who would benefit from this message, I invite you to share this with them as well. And I'm just cheering you on.