Angela Kezar: Hello and welcome back to Worthwhile. I'm Angela Keizar and I am so grateful for you today for being here and for listening and sharing what has helped you from this podcast. I wanted to get into a few practical tips for mothers of young boys. I have three boys myself. ⁓ What a fun ⁓ time that is. ⁓ I didn't up with brothers and when had our first I remember thinking incredibly new ⁓ this whole thing was to me. I had no idea what I was getting into with raising a boy. I had never seen that done before up close. So I was very curious and inquisitive and still am into this whole idea of raising boys into strong and good men. I feel super blessed that I have a husband who I can and do look to and ask questions to who has so many times prioritized the relationship between our sons and me as their mother. and has really guided me super clearly along the way. And there is so much to be learning and pursuing, but I thought today I could give a couple of tips that I came across and they've really stuck with me recently. The first one is a metaphor, a picture for something that I know is true, but I thought this was a good picture. So the idea is that boys are born with two dogs and as they grow these dogs who start as puppies grow with them. The dogs are fight on the one hand and desire on the other. I want to start by making sure we're clear that both of those two things are incredible gifts from the Lord to our young men. They are powerful and purposeful and I know God built them in. Right now we live in a moment where men are not admired for these things and where a lot of men are using them all wrong. The you see in your sons is not something that should be crushed, ⁓ but also not something that should be allowed to run wild. ⁓ Both are dangerous. ⁓ If crush the strength, if we shame them ⁓ or constantly suppress our boys, we can end up raising who are passive and hesitant or unsure of themselves. on the other hand, if we simply ⁓ it run free, thinking that is a better option, we're not raising strong men. We're raising boys who have never learned to rule themselves. ⁓ strength without self-control is not strength at all. ⁓ living on impulse and moods, which are highly unreliable. ⁓ can just look through history and take a guess at which men who make the history books. in these areas and which ones are which ones don't or are not using them to the glory of the Lord. What our boys need to learn is how to govern their own strength. So the question ⁓ is how do we encourage and strengthen boys as they learn to master themselves in these areas? ⁓ They need to learn when to hold when to ⁓ act, how to direct their energy ⁓ their and their bodies and their ⁓ That kind of self-control is not weakness. It is actually one of the clearest marks of maturity. And we would all see that as we look up the people we know, the people we run into in life. So often the work of raising boys is not about extinguishing their strength, ⁓ but training and guiding and teaching the young man or boy to ⁓ aim towards what is good. What honors the Lord in this. And this takes a ton of patience and correction. ⁓ lots of conversations over many, years, but God is kind to have given us many, years. ⁓ over time, this grows into, Lord willing, boys who are truly strong ⁓ trustworthy and admirable in these ways. So when they're little, with these puppies, so to speak, our job as parents is to be doing the training work here. ⁓ as they get older, they're going to be taking the leashes into their own hands. And when they do, These dogs are not going to be puppies anymore. They're going to be strong, fierce, and powerful motivators. They could easily be destructive and out of control. We also don't want to squash these dogs into being lazy and so suppressed that they lay there by our boys side, hardly opening an eye to care what's going on. I picture like what kind of dog is that? The hound dogs, which I'm sure are not as lazy as they're depicted, but the ones on the on the front porch that are, like eyes are just closed all the time. They don't care what's going on. They're not going to notice. They're certainly not going to care. ⁓ Now fight and desire. I'm sure you can picture both of these and the branches that come from them. Fight can be bad temper, loss of emotional control, getting upset, fighting when it's out of line. However, it can also be Protective, a defender of truth, a confidence in his mission, a go-getter attitude, someone who wants to aim high and win well. And that is great. Desire, so our other dog, we're talking the dogs are fighting desire, so that can be fight good or bad. Desire, I think we can all see clearly if we think about it for a few minutes, can be on the negative side, unchecked desire for all sorts of things. sex, fun, attention, praise, whatever whim comes to mind. But desire needs to not be running loose. and unchecked. ⁓ We don't want off the leash. ⁓ we do want desire in our boys we want it strong. ⁓ We want them to confidently pursue a and a marriage to aim high in their achievements and careers and ⁓ even with ⁓ their own children ⁓ want to and raise the to win that football game. So these things, these dogs, if you will, are simply strong and powerful. They can be powerfully bad or powerfully good. So our job is to be training them while they're in our care. Self-control is the number one thing the Bible commands in young men. And it is for this exact reason. A boy or a man who has powerful fight and desire reigned in obediently to the Lord with self-control ⁓ the picture of the man we're for, right? ⁓ This is us following after Christ and in raising our boys to be this way. So when your boys are little, see their fight and their desires as strength, but don't think it is strong to grow loose. As the boys get bigger, they have to take those leashes and what kind of dogs are we giving him? Is he going to be immediately knocked over and drug around by desire the moment we let go? Or are we slowly and carefully teaching him to have the self-control necessary to have strong desire and temper it, strong fight and temper it? So how do I encourage my son's natural strength or competitiveness? and desire without accidentally raising a boy who is harsh and selfish. And I'll start by prefacing that this takes so much discernment and prayer, and those are not secondary things. Those should be the primary things. We should be praying to the Lord for discernment constantly when raising our children. ⁓ but specifically about these areas, truly, these are some of the most important things we can do. So ask the Lord to show you how to do this and pray about it. A huge portion of this also is going to come from dads. Lean in and trust your husband when he has an opinion about these things. Be the kind of wife who goes and asks your husband before he has to correct you on it. Like, how can I be building up our boys? Your husband's been a boy and he can give you really great feedback. I have a few small examples, but truly this is such a broad and expansive terrain. The guiding principles are the most important to get right. The details will depend so much on your particular boy and the situation and all of the varying factors. Okay. One example is rough housing. We are a big fan of letting our boys wrestle. It's so good for them. Our boys learned really little how to tap out and how to respond when somebody else taps out. So they have a way out, ⁓ but how wrestle with brothers or cousins who are bigger or smaller. ⁓ And they've ⁓ through that wrestle and fight hard without losing their temper. ⁓ If they to get emotional mid fight, we have them calm down, take a breath and settle themselves ⁓ and then right back in. It's not about that that means that. it's game over. It's just that you have to, you have to maintain control over yourself through it. And we simply just, watch and remind them. And my husband is the primary person leading the ⁓ leading wrestling matches ⁓ and goes for sports. That's a great opportunity to learn about winning and losing with all kinds of games. always say win well, lose well. ⁓ stinks to but it's a good thing to have to go through and learn from. ⁓ And ⁓ a huge motivation to work hard and keep trying. And can't ⁓ lose temper about it. They can't lose their temper about it. Also, don't forget ⁓ before start into some of these things when they're little, go through and tell them what you expect. So, okay boys, sit back to back and you're going to wrestle, but you may not get upset at your brother. And if you get hurt, be tough, like just a couple of reminders ⁓ and let them. have fun with it and they will have fun with it. Another example that we've run into that I, as the mom at home have run into is hitting. That can, obviously that's something that little boys can bump into is hitting. so I've always tried to use that as a really good handhold ⁓ for the ability to fight. And so I've told them like, it's not a bad thing. Your hands, what are they made for? They are made for protecting and defending. So most often, if they're getting corrected in this, when they're little, they should not have been hitting. And that's where we say your hands are for building up and for strengthening others and for protecting others. Is that what you were doing just now? No, wasn't. No, mom, it wasn't. Okay. Then that is not using your hands for what God gave them to you for, and we may not do that. And then we let them go. But it's never a just hitting is always bad. And sometimes we'll talk about who could you hit? Could you hit someone that was hurting your sister? Yes, you could. And you should. ⁓ So we've walked through something like something as simple that's going to come up naturally as hitting somebody. There's a time and a place that that actually is the right thing to do. but is, is it always the right thing to do? Certainly not. Okay. So what about ⁓ my boys are constantly climbing on things and jumping, crashing, throwing things, all of that, this is strength in a tiny little body. ⁓ not bad that he has all of this energy that God built in ⁓ you as the mom ⁓ a boy or of boys have to gear up. to channel it. So find ways to engage him and have fun with him. it's not good to always have little kids running through the house, just free for all. So set some house rules with your own family. ⁓ And a good of things is if they're getting wild and you need them to settle down, ⁓ does your child the ability to stop when they're asked to? ⁓ is the strength we're looking for that is self-control. The fun and the running and all of that is good with self-control. Obeying when they're asked to stop. With a, like we're not just shouting across the house to stop. This is a, okay, it's time to settle down now. I'd like you to stop, stop running. We're going to whatever we're going to go head to the table for dinner. If they can do that, they have self-control. So as mom, you have to make sure you're giving them lots of opportunity to run and play freely with lots and lots of yeses. Like, yes, you can climb the tree. Yes, you can play in ⁓ way. Yes, you can go ⁓ the ball at each other or whatever it is. and we don't want boys who have to ⁓ sit on their hands day and be quiet all day, ⁓ but find some areas self-control can be practiced. So for our family, we do that during school. There's certain times that they have to sit still and control their volume. ⁓ It is a time we're quiet ⁓ and as much as may or may not a difference. I do think it makes a difference, but ⁓ There are parts of school where I actually, for the sake of them having self-control, require that they sit at the table in a sitting position. And it's not all the time and it's not in a strict way. It's just what we're doing right now. And it actually helps a ton with all of us. It's a blessing to everyone that I can walk around the table and find everyone in their right place. But it is a really just sweet time. of just reminding them like this is a good thing. You're not going to have to sit here all day. But I have asked you to sit still. And so we're going to have self control here and do that. and table manners are another super good place to have them master their self control, to work on it. Setting a standard ⁓ while dining out, they have to sit quietly in their chair for the meal ⁓ the time at the restaurant. is not squashing the strength of a young boy. It is giving them strength. is giving them the ability to go out in public to be a blessing to the people around them, to enjoy the conversations and the time spent with their family in a much more engaged way. that giving them strength. A child who can't sit still is not more free than the one that can. He's simply, do I say it, a slave to his desires. He has no ⁓ ability to channel that when necessary rather than when he can channel it, then ⁓ what a skill, what a strength and a real delight to have around. What about desire when they, when a son really wants something, encourage them to work hard and earn something. That's great. Whether that's academically or earning money somehow to save up for something or learning a skill that they want to get good at. This is a great area to give respect to your sons. If they want to do something as a mom, there may be a cost to you. It may mean spending your time working on something for them or it may be taking them somewhere so that they ⁓ do their practices or ⁓ just work to reach this That's a good thing it's okay if it takes some of our time and our effort. ⁓ We are putting it towards a very, ⁓ very worthwhile So let them push toward a goal. That's extremely strengthening. There are things do that we're very honest about that as they're learning, we don't falsely tell them that they've mastered it. So there's not this false confidence. Like ⁓ chess is a funny one. And again, this is with my husband that we ⁓ encourage them as they're and we encourage them to keep after what they want, which is to win. ⁓ And we don't defeat them in a mean way, but we do push them to learn and to have to try so that when they do win, they really did win. ⁓ And that is, it's good for them to have a goal and to not have parents who are constantly. Well, for example, like if you're running a race, there are times that I have run with the kids and, there's times, especially when they're little that we run together and I let them win and it's all fun and games, but there's times. to push them and to remind them that you have to work hard and you will someday beat me. But today is not that day. And just kind of making it fun like that. At least my kids get a kick out of when we do that. And they, like I said, they know that there's times that I'll let them beat me, but there are times that, that I laugh about that for a little longer, I can hold the lead. And all of this is done with a spirit of confidence in your boys. Like, like I was saying, I tell them this is not forever. You are going to beat me ⁓ I can't wait for you to do it. ⁓ want to be the wind in their sails, which brings me to my next thought. Tip number two. ⁓ this is for mothers of boys. This ⁓ one ⁓ is one of those straight at piercing of Your voice, the way you speak, will forever impact your son. is your voice, your tone, the words you use, the ones you want forever to be in his head. God gave us a huge opportunity because we are a voice he can learn love and affection, encouragement, respect, and correction from. We have the opportunity right now today while our boys are young set in them the sound of our voice building him up. but it is also the voice that he can hear in his head forever, tearing him down, criticizing him, belittling, growing him, attuned to disrespect. Is your tone sweet and cheerful or is it laced with ⁓ a flavor of annoyance? We want our boys to be used to hearing the most important woman in his life up to his marriage. Speak with kindness, self-control and respect. You are setting the standard for how he will expect his future wife to talk to him. What standard are you setting? We talk about this or see it more clearly with girls, right? If their dad treats them with love and care and protection, they will see past a young man who doesn't offer that when they're looking for a husband. Dad is setting an example to his daughter of what her future husband ought to be like. but I've rarely heard or thought about that we as moms are the same thing to our sons and especially in how we speak to them and about them. We should hold ourselves in this regard with honor and gratitude. What an honor to get to be this for your son. So fill him up with the sound of encouragement, thankfulness for what he does, admiration, find something. And this is not false praise. You're still his mom. your duty still includes training, correcting, and disciplining things that you will be the sole woman in his life whose duty it is to raise him. So don't think this is a fluffy kind of thing. The way I see it, I'm balancing mothering which is coaching, teaching, reminding him of the standard ⁓ remembering ⁓ I use this tone toward my husband. The content of what I'm saying is going to be different. For example, I'm not reminding my husband of the house rules, but would I ever use this tone with anything else I have to say to my husband. ⁓ That is a huge help for when it comes to navigating how I speak to my boys. Okay, as we wrap this up, just want to encourage you that raising boys is such a privilege. Raising children, boys and girls is a privilege. But today I wanted to just give some specifics on boys because like I said, it's something that ⁓ have three of them and ⁓ a lot of work and it's wonderful work. And I want to encourage you women that are listening that you have a profound impact on the boys that are being raised into men right now. ⁓ So look at your boys, see that they're growing up into men and try to give them all you've got, everything, everything you have and can. Lay it out there, give it to your sons. What an honor and what a privilege. And I'll leave you with my favorite reminder, which is the women in the Bible who are mentioned by name for the impact that they had on their sons. So think of Hannah and Chokbed. I hope I said that right. The mother of Moses. and Lois and Eunice, the grandmother and mother to Timothy. It seems to me that the Lord used these women, at least in part to help raise up these faithful and admirable and courageous men. I want to thank you for being here today. I pray that these episodes encourage you if they do pass it on to a friend. And if you have a moment, leaving a review on the podcast, wherever you listen. goes a long way to helping the hosting sites share this podcast with more listeners who may be encouraged by it. I pray that you have a wonderful week and may the Lord richly bless you.