Christy: Let's start with the hard truth. The thing you're grieving might not be a person. It might be a version of yourself. Welcome to We Call Her Sage, where wisdom meets what's next. I'm Christy, here with my co-host Wanda, and today we're talking about unbecoming. Not becoming, unbecoming. Because before you can walk into who you're meant to be, you have to be honest about. Who you're no longer willing to be. The friendships that expired, the goals that were never really yours, the expectations you inherited instead of chose. This episode won't tell you to let go of your past. It'll ask you to build on it and finally put down what it's time to release. Let's get into it. Speaker 1: we were exploring the book with Michelle Obama, which we're still working our way through and we're pulling back all those layers. And one of the key things that I thought about and that we discussed is that, you know, in order to move forward, even unexpectedly, sometimes we have to go ahead and unbecome. And for a lot of us, our childhood is ruled in those core memories of and also those directives of what our parents taught us to do. And then we have to also learn, well, in life, things don't necessarily happen the way we expect for them to happen. A lot of us have degrees and even our undergrad degree, we may not necessarily be in the fields we planned we were gonna be in. Speaker 2: No Speaker 1: And yet we find ourselves here. Yeah, Speaker 2: yeah. Evolving. Yeah, that's what that is. And it's okay. And which is what this is really about being able to recognize those seasons on become so you can become. You know, you don't want to hold on and just keep holding on, keep dragging it. Like, I'm gonna it's gonna get better and just keep dragging. You have to know the seasons. You have to. Speaker 1: No. You have to know the seasons and you have to be ready to release it. And that's the part that requires you know a lot of work and mental fortitude. And sometimes it can be draining. Sometimes you look at the situation and it seems gargantuate. But one thing about it is the fact that sometimes you grieve who you are because over time, when we get to the age where we are. venturing into, our mid 40s, approaching 50. You go through situations where you're not only grieving who you are, you're grieving your friends that you had. And it's not like you lost them, but you came to a juncture where your responsibilities and how you place your life in order may not necessarily align. And so those friendships, you have to work so much harder to keep connected. I remember you were talking about how you have your your college friends and you meet and so you do that with intent, you know. Speaker 2: Yeah. I like the recognition of the grief, honestly speaking, because I think that that is as we as we have those conversations, what we're really saying is that you recognize that you've lost something. Speaker 1: Yeah. Speaker 2: Yeah, you recognize it. Speaker 1: Mm-hmm. And that's hard. Loss is hard. you can go ahead and pinpoint a death of a person. If a person dies, you can go it's a it's a living, breathing person that we lost along the way. But what happens when your career grieving that? What happens when you grieve your identity? You once held titles that you no longer hold professionally, and they were ripped from you. so what happens in those types? And then you lose familiarity, you know, things you and people you thought you knew. You know, I can honestly say, Wandy, when I look in the mirror, I still see myself as a 20-something year old, but let me do things that I would have done when I was 20. Let me stay up. Too late. Let me go ahead and exert myself too much. And I will feel it in the morning. You know, so those familiar aspects of my body or even going through perimenopause. That is something that I never pictured myself doing at this point. You know, of course you foresee it, but to actually walk in that level of your life, you lose sight of yourself sometimes, you know. Speaker 2: It's one of those that just creeps in on you unaware sometimes. And here you are having to become someone that you are sometimes unprepared for. You know? That you're unprepared for. So as as we're going through the list of what you're grieving, some of what came to mind for me was sometimes we have to grieve those missed opportunities. Yeah. You could have become this person but you chose a different option. It's a miss opportunity, you know. Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah. I like that. Speaker 2: Yeah, so th there's just that one in there too. And then also obviously as we are evolving that we we recognize that We may be unsure of what, but it's important that who you're becoming is not random. There should be some thoughtfulness towards what's gonna happen. Speaker 1: That's right. Speaker 2: There should be some toughness to it. What are you gonna be doing? How are you gonna do it? You know, because when we're younger, we're we're winging it. Like it's like Speaker 1: Yeah. Speaker 2: You know, we're not leaving things open for happenstance anymore. We've got to put some thoughts into it. We gotta have a plan. You know, because the season of life that we are moving into is one that requires a lot of all that we've done in the past and all that we've prepared for it's more of like Okay, do I have benefit of all of my investment? Do I have benefit of my career at this point? You most likely should be thinking not entry level traditionally, shouldn't be entry level. Traditionally, now life sometimes throw us cough balls that find us there. Still Speaker 1: Right. Speaker 2: make the plants. So that's it's they call it the second act. Is that what it's called? Second act of life. Speaker 1: The second act. Speaker 2: Gotta be prepared for it. You gotta have a plan. Speaker 1: and in ways that you transition, it's okay to take time to decide Because sometimes the thought of not knowing is a good sign to say, I know I'm not supposed to be doing this. And the it's also letting go of that fear of. What will others say? Because sometimes when you finally do decide what you want to do, The optics of it may appear I'm moving back, I'm going backwards. But in actuality, it's I'm learning something new or I'm going in a different direction. So it may appear to some okay, I don't know what what are you doing here? Are you going back to school or you're you're doing this and or you going to this training and And the answer to that is yes, I am. You know. Speaker 2: Castan over again. Yeah. Speaker 1: and answer yes. And then some things may not even warrant a response. You go ahead and protect those for those who are truly interested in your journey, you know. Yes, yes. So Speaker 2: Those ones from that other remember the Doctor Majani? I can never say her name. Speaker 1: Right. yeah. D Doctor Marjan that you shared with me. Speaker 2: a good one for her just from the point of view that the people around her could not understand why she was making all of these changes. You know do you have to? Why are you doing this? Does this is this important? They don't get it. They don't know what's driving you. Speaker 1: They don't know what's driving you. And then a lot of times, I know for me, I operate knowing that I have to reach a level of comfort before I can proceed forward. And once I do I do. And if you weren't aware of my steps, people who love you or people who care may ask questions. But it's basically, I've already made up my mind that this is going to be my level of comfort to move forward. And Dr. Marjan said, people will always say, you know, you may not need to do do that, you can just move forward. But you have to be prepared to move forward. Someone can lay a plan in your lap. A life coach can say, I've discussed this with you. you've given me all of the answers that are within you. And that person will say, This is excellent. This is wonderful. But I remember and I believe it Tracy Ellis Ross. And I could be wrong, I remember her saying, you know, with being a small business owner, she owns a hair care line. And she said something to the effect that, you know, at the end of the day, you're gonna be the one pushing that ball up the hill. people are gonna come to you and they're gonna have their ideas or whatnot. you've got to go ahead and decide I'm gonna take these steps, regardless of what people say. I'm gonna move forward and I'm gonna execute my plan accordingly. And that can be lonely. Speaker 2: Can be Speaker 1: And that's where the grief continues to come it can be lonely because if you're the only one going on that journey and everyone else is on a different journey. Speaker 2: That's right. Hmm. It's a good way to say it. You know that not only do you grief, but you gotta have a plan. Yes, crying mean deal for a nights, but you gotta move it. Speaker 1: Gotta move it. Speaker 2: Recognize a point. The the grief is part of like recognize what you've lost. Name it. Because if you don't if you don't recognize that it is lost, you will keep going back in, you will keep trying to retweak it. You want to grief what is lost and call it. Yeah. Speaker 1: I love that. I love that. Speaker 2: Part of me is gone. I need to move towards this. Speaker 1: Mm-hmm. Speaker 2: way of thinking about what is coming and embracing what's coming. Speaker 1: And that's what I love. you said that is just letting go, grieving what was lost, grieving what was. Because we lose sight of that. you said, we can continue to make those mistakes and say, it didn't happen the first time. And then you try, try again. And it's not where you're supposed to be. the benefit of talking to people, you know, about your next steps and life coaches, whether it's therapists to find the root of the issue when it comes to that. Speaker 2: Mm-hmm. Yes, right. I think I think that now more than ever I can definitely see the value in having that that culture and your con someone else to speak to, someone else that can help you connect some of those doubts as you navigate. Speaker 1: You navigate 'cause it's hard. Speaker 2: The situation are are hard. They are hard. Speaker 1: Mm-hmm. I'm just thinking about what you're saying about the idea of grief. it's okay to grieve the loss of yourself. because it's showing honor to who she was and who she's going to become. you think about, at a funeral. And even when you think about relationships, sometimes navigating that as you age can be daunting. but when you lose people, sometimes those relationships they provide you a sense of fortitude against the world. they make you strong. you're able to talk to people, those friends, they're able to identify. Issues that you're having, whether it be at work or otherwise, and help you through it. but what happens when they don't sustain? Or you just, you lose that. sometimes we do place identity on those relationships as we continue to grow. there's nothing wrong with that. Relationships are important. but one of the most key relationships that you really need to pay attention to is the relationship that you have with you, Speaker 2: And Speaker 1: yourself, and knowing the limitations to what you can give in order to have self-preservation and taking those next steps. as we change, our needs change. we're grieving who we are and we also have to understand or grieving who we were and understand that it's okay to grieve. And how can I leverage my grief with the intent of how I continue to move? And will this be pleasing to me? And will it serve me? Speaker 2: Mm-hmm. Will it serve me Speaker 1: Will it serve me? Speaker 2: word? that that means also that as we navigate this, that it's okay to be selfish. Think about you know, is this worthwhile for me? I am gotta Speaker 1: That's right. Speaker 2: be selfish with some of this, yeah. Speaker 1: I like that. And I think we're taught as women not to be selfish. Speaker 2: Big givers, right? Speaker 1: were taught. It's it's counterintuitive to our teachings. As women, you're taught, you have to make sure that, not only your career but your family, at some point you have to choose yourself. I mean, you think about on the airplane, you know, and I know that's been used time and time again. But even if we're on a airplane with our kids, we gotta put on our mask first. Mm-hmm. Speaker 2: We've been told over and over you gotta do you first. You know, and that it also supports how we think about moms too. That we say don't run on empty because otherwise you have nothing else to give. Because if you feel up, then you do have. So take the time out. self-care, you know, so you can then be able to listen and be like, okay, I understand I can support my kid, you know. But if I'm coming in stress, they come in with all that's going on around and I'm like, stop right there. Speaker 1: Yeah. Speaker 2: Don't add to the pile. Speaker 1: that's important. And we have to teach, our children boundaries. We have to teach our daughters to say, you know what? You create your systems of support and you make sure that you place yourself as a priority. In life, you may not always be one, but at least have yourself be the top two or three. I'm gonna go ahead and seek myself out first. Make sure that you're put together before you decide to grow a family of your own. And I think that those discussions need to be have with our sons to say, be a helpmate. Women are always taught to be helpmates, you know, but make sure that they're not only. being that system of support but that they learn to say it's okay to work collectively together so that our house is able to operate and function properly and not just put in a financial support but also support for the for the home how it functions whether it be cooking cleaning All of that invisible labor that women never truly get credit for. Speaker 2: Mm-hmm. Speaker 1: so we need to go ahead and grieve the loss of that, of saying that it's that is a manly thing to do. That's unmanly to go ahead and make sure there's meals on the table. So that everyone doesn't have to run on empty. Speaker 2: That's such a good one. Hmm. That is such a good one. So necessary. It it is it's important. I like Speaker 1: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Speaker 2: it. All that. Speaker 1: one thing that came to mind as well as us speaking right now. Is What were some things that you feel that you grieve the most as you enter this stage in your life? Speaker 2: So the several for me. But one thing that comes to mind regularly, even as we've been speaking through this, was when I had to transition from the business. That was a tough decision and a painful process of letting go because in my mind I was gonna do this forever. Speaker 1: Yes. Speaker 2: Recognizing that this is done and I need to go get a job. That was hard. I mean it didn't help a whole lot that we're going through COVID, but anytime I remember COVID, I remember that. I'm like, my gosh, that was hard. That was depressing, that was tough to do. Speaker 1: Absolutely. Speaker 2: It was hard because no one else could understand how I was thinking about it and my recognition of the problem and how I thought I could solve it. But whichever way I went, I knew that that point was done and it was time to move Speaker 1: that level of honesty with yourself. Speaker 2: myself. Yeah. With myself. Speaker 1: Mm-hmm. Speaker 2: What about you? What comes to mind? Speaker 1: I'm grieving the person that I expected to be at this stage. Speaker 2: Mm-hmm. Speaker 1: I had high expectations for myself I had a particular vision. I remember watching Sex in the City years ago, and when one of the characters I think her name was Charlotte and how she always wanted to be married and have kids And even though she did end up with that, one of the episodes centered out over her being sad because she had envisioned a life for herself at a certain point and she didn't achieve that as far as being married at that time, having children So I think for me I didn't reach certain places that i thought i would reach and even though in my own right people would look at me and say you're successful but when you have your own framework in your head of what you want to become and those items aren't met I had to grieve too yes, that may not have happened, but that's not the one and all. what is your intent on what you were purposed to become? Speaker 2: Mm. Speaker 1: Because sometimes you have to center yourself, but you also have to say, is it also the fact that the gifts that I have are supposed to be? Aiding others in a different way, or is it that there's something else that the Lord wants to build for you as far as you know, self sufficiency, as far as entering the stage of opportunities that I didn't necessarily see that I would even be doing that are unfolding? So I think sometimes you're placed In situations that you have to say to yourself, Well, this didn't happen the way I wanted it to happen. Let me grieve that. And once you're done grieving that, just note that there's a whole other ton of possibilities that you have to think about. Should you venture into those? And to walk with confidence because you are highly skilled, you're highly able to do. anything that you set out to do. And like you said, make the plan, make dates, continue the walk. Speaker 2: Mm. Speaker 1: Hmm. And the level of uncertainty that can be a level of grief because sometimes our mindsets are geared upon I know these certain things once I do these certain steps. sometimes that doesn't happen. And of course, we get to the stage where we are, So we've seen things unfold unexpectedly and we learn to pivot. Speaker 2: That's interesting. It's really interesting to see how God just tries to nudge us in several in in directions that we need to be going. And that's sometimes those nudges are evident and sometimes they're not. Christy: That's unbecoming, this episode of We Call Her Sage. If this stirs something up, don't rush to smooth it over. Sit in it a minute. Share this with a woman in your life who's mid unbecoming right now. She'll know who she is. Follow the show so you catch what's next. Until then, this is We Call Her Sage, where wisdom meets what's next.