Gianna: in order to have like deeply meaningful, healthy, sustainable, enriching connection, which I think is the point of relationship. It's like something I say to clients all the time, it's like further together faster. Like in a relationship, it should be adding, like you guys should be better together than you are on your own. I deeply believe like a large percentage of people out there like are not in the highest experience of relationship that they could have. And it's because of things like that. self-love and again going back to my podcast name I really love myself like self-love is to me is an expression of the divine where it's like when you value yourself when you value other people you you are meant to like really take your energy very seriously and protect that energy you deserve better like everybody deserve better and we're all capable of that you know

speaker-1: you

Arden: Welcome to the Repatterning Podcast, where we believe your mind-body system is your domain and that choosing the beliefs, habits, and patterns that best support you is your birthright. I'm your host, Arden Leigh, creator of the Repatterning Project, an eight-week course in learning to free yourself from the patterns of your past and program your mind for your dreams of the future. Join me for these extraordinary conversations as we unpack the keys to creating our reality. Welcome back to the Repatterning Podcast. I'm your host Arden Leigh and I'm so excited to introduce today's guest. Her name is Gianna Rackham and she is a love and relationship and leadership coach for spiritually aware women. If you like what you hear in our conversation today, you can check out her website at giannalightworker.com. You can also check out her Instagram. Her handle is Gianna Love and Light. And she also has a new program coming out called Iconically Single. And it's for women who have either recently been through a breakup or maybe they've been single for a little while. And it's about finding that self-worth and confidence and your joy and your deep love of life so that when you do get into a partnership, you're not going to settle for anything less than what really sets your heart on fire. So definitely check that out if you like her work and you like our conversation. And she and I have been friends online for a little while. I was very honored to be featured on her own podcast called, I Really Love Myself. So definitely check out her podcast as well, if you like our conversation. And of course, last but not least, she is the in it to my Wednesday. And I'm so excited to chat here, because I'm also just like looking forward to us catching up too. It's been a while since we've had to have like gotten to have a full conversation. ⁓ So welcome, welcome to the Repatterning Podcast. Tell folks a little bit about what your work is and what you do.

Gianna: Thank you so much, first of all, and like, just, to speak about Arden in front of Arden, I just have so much respect and admiration for Arden and her work. And, you know, we connected online like years ago and she has truly become a friend and she is just such a great person. So I'm just so honored to have had you on my podcast and to be on yours. And yeah, we definitely have like the Wednesday image, like when we're together. So, so fun.

Arden: This might be the only time I've seen you not wearing pink actually.

Gianna: And you know why? It's because I have specifically black and white earrings on. had to like tie it together. yeah, definitely a lot of pink in the wardrobe for sure. But yeah, so as far as my work goes, you know, I originally started doing relationship coaching like a bit over 10 years ago. And I got into it pretty early and pretty young because I really do consider my childhood just like a crash course and like. understanding the fundamental basics of how to have a healthy relationship experience in your life because I was just so entrenched in the opposite. And I just really, really had to figure that stuff out and heal it at a very young age. And over the years, my work has grown and evolved as I have. a lot of the work that I tend to do with women is largely around relationship work where we confront ⁓ patterns around self-worth and codependency. And a lot of the women that I work with lean a bit more in a feminine energetic. And so I help them kind of deconstruct where they might not be in their most authentic expression of that energy. So they can really be in alignment with attracting the kind of partnership that they want. But over the years, that work has also evolved into an element of leadership coaching. Because a lot of the women that I work with tend to be high achievers. A lot of them are business owners. And a lot of those relationship patterns, as I'm sure Arden can speak to so well, Don't just translate into romantic relationships. It's also like relationships as a whole, right? And so when we have these patterns of like people pleasing, like self abandonment, over giving, like validation seeking, and that like manifests into our career relationships, those relationships can get dysfunctional and really be a drain on our energy and also can impact like our authentic expression of our purpose and even impact and like our income as well and like hold it back and so. I found my work evolving into that area as well over the years. yeah, I I find our relationships impact so much and the way that we are in relationship impacts so much of our quality of life and not just our quality of life, especially it impacts future generations, especially if you go on to have children. And that's something that in particular I feel really passionate about because as a child, I grew up in domestic violence and just witnessing addiction and narcissistic abuse and financial abuse. it's become something helping women have like healthy sovereignty, but also connection and interdependence has been something that is just invaluable to me. So I just love this work so much.

Arden: Yeah, something that I've always admired about your work. And I'll just say this like for our listeners. Some of my listeners perhaps who have like been with me for a while or just who know of my history know that I used to be a dating coach back in the day. And I left that field because what was funny about it was like when I wrote my book back in the day, a book called The New Rules of Attraction, as soon as it came out, I felt like I had painted myself into a corner because all of a sudden there were like all of these sort of articles or book reviews about me. And I was like, yay, like publicity, this is great for my book. But all of them were like, the woman who can get any man she wants. I was like, ⁓ my God, what do I do now if I fail? And so I actually had like a lot of my, mean, I was young and whatever, but like I had a lot of my sort of like, am I good at this? Like tied up in whether I was winning the approval of the person that I desired. And that obviously like, that led to some over-learning of those patterns that was ultimately not healthy, right? Like it's great to have like a structure, like know how to create a conversation. Like there were valuable things about my work. If you like approach it with a playful spirit and like, this is fun. Let me like expand my skillset. Let me like try and connect with people or whatever. But the minute you put that value on whether I can get the person I want is like whether or not I'm a fraud. I was like, ⁓ my God. And when I came across your work, Tiana, like, What I love about it so much is that I've seen you at this point in like two different relationships and also single and you have never ever linked the value of either yourself or your work to whether you're with a partner. And you're so clear on the fact that it really is about how much you love your own life and how much you love yourself and how much you're in alignment. And when you're in alignment, you will naturally attract things that that joy and that passion for life, like draw in, right? You will call in the right kind of partner. You will call in the right thing. And even if you're not with a partner right now, like then that's fine. there's nothing about that defines you. And that fact that it is that inner alignment that is going to lead to those soulmate connections, right? Or to those just really super aligned connections with another person. And so I've seen you do this work. And you were actually like at the time, cause as you said, like we've known each other online for a little while now. At that time, I remember being like, this is maybe one of the only love and relationship coaches I've ever seen that doesn't put that emphasis on you need to get the guy. Like all the books out there, like the books from the nineties, the books from the two thousands, like even, know, like Matthew Hussey and people like that. And like, I know the person who taught Matthew Hussey is a friend of mine named Adam Lyons. at least one of the people who taught Matthew Hussey. I've, in the day, like I read some of his content out of curiosity and it's actually like not half bad, but it doesn't, all of it is still like, I'm going to get you this result. You are going to get the man, right? Get the, like the rules, right? Get the ring on the finger, like, ⁓ it's just, and it's so, that attachment to outcome is like the opposite of what actually is healthy. So I'd love for you to share like more about that principle that you stand by, because I think it is what, I think it is the key defining factor actually that puts your work into such a place of integrity.

Gianna: Thank you so much for saying that. like, I love that we're able to have like this conversation with a lot of like background context because we've known each other for so long. Like when we were when we first met, like I was in a relationship with someone who I got engaged to, but I was with for a while and it was a very, about eight years, it was a very like beautiful, like healthy relationship. Ultimately, like, I outgrew it as I was kind of like refining like what I really wanted and needed in terms of like, specific partner qualities versus like the fundamental foundation like I because that was stuff I deeply understood very early on again, just because of like childhood stuff where it's like the fundamental like healthy foundation I just have like the deep belief in the deep knowing that like, you know, I've always used the word like soulmate partners and like, you know, sometimes it's like we need relationships to come into our lives to kind of show us and like help us refine our sense of self and sometimes that's like highlighting wounds or traumas or insecurities that we need to address. And sometimes it's helping us refine our specific preferences in terms of lifestyle and partnership qualities. And I really am anti the narrative that it's like relationship endings are a failure or being single is a dirty word or embarrassing or shameful. ⁓ Because I think that when we, first of all, it's just bullshit and it's not true, number one. But second of all, I think that when we take that on, we start to seek connection from a really disempowered place that's also inauthentic. It's not from this place of like choosing someone who truly is like a really good fit for you in your life and vice versa. It's I can't be alone or like, I don't want to be alone or like I need a relationship or to be married in order to feel like I matter or like I'm not failing or that there's not something wrong with me. like, I think when we go into, I'm of the deep belief personally, and don't get me wrong, I've worked with so many women over the years that have actively been trying to get into relationships for 10 to 20 years and it's been hard and that's a different story. But I think in general, most people can get into a relationship, but it's not necessarily a high quality, healthy... deeply fulfilling match of a relationship. And so I think that when we are kind of desperate to be in a relationship, we tend to kind of lower our standards and we start to kind of lie to ourselves and self abandon in order to have that. And it may be like soothes those insecurities and wounds, in the long-term bigger picture of life, really, like you were saying before we got on the podcast, the longer you get on a train going in the wrong direction, like you're gonna have to come that like that far back, you know, to get back on track, so to speak. And I just really think it's not worth it. You know, it's not worth it to like build a life with someone that really doesn't match you and requires like self abandonment. And I'm not talking about like healthy compromise, but I'm talking like you have to abandon like authentic things that you need and want that you could have with the right person. And also too, it's like you model that for your children and your future children if you have kids, right? And like, you also just like radiate that vibration into the collective consciousness and like, what's that? No, like it's just not required. And so I think it's really important to be able to have, in order to have like deeply meaningful, healthy, sustainable, enriching connection, which I think is the point of relationship. It's like. something I say to clients all the time is like further together faster. Like in a relationship, it should be adding, like you guys should be better together than you are on your own, but it doesn't mean that you're missing anything. It doesn't mean that like on your own you suck or that your life isn't amazing or that like you're incomplete, right? But it's like a lot of the times I deeply believe like a large percentage of people out there like are not in the highest experience of relationship that they could have. And it's because of things like that, you know? And so, I don't know, like self love. again, going back to my podcast name, I really love myself. Like self love is to me is an expression of the divine where it's like when you value yourself, when you value other people, you are meant to like really take your energy very seriously and protect that energy. like, you know, when, and especially if you're like a spiritually aware person who has like a purpose in this lifetime, like you need that, you need that clear head. You need that creative energy. You need that, that space to be able to like birth. whatever it is that you're here to do in this life. And if your relationships are tugging on your energy too much, or even holding you back and draining you, that does impact, I believe, what your soul came here to do in this lifetime. And you deserve better. Everybody deserves better, and we're all capable of that.

Arden: Yeah, I agree with you 100 % on that. And I've definitely been that person who stayed in a relationship that was not right for me out of scarcity. I was a very late bloomer in life. So I had those feelings of like, well, it takes me a long time to get into a relationship. I'm very picky about who I'm attracted to. it's hard for, you know, I can go and I figure out later in life, I'm like, ⁓ I also have ADHD, which means in some ways, I was self medicating with crushes like would stimulate dopamine and they would give me like a sense of like purpose and a sense of like a reason to be alive. And without that, I would feel like I just, can't get anything done. Like there's no, like what's the point, you know? And so I not knowing that it was like quite literally a neurochemical thing that was going on for me, I would be like, I have to at least have a, like even if I'm not in a relationship, that's fine. But I have to have like a crush, like something I'm working toward, you know, someone that I like so I can. be this best version of myself that I get to be when I feel motivated. And it wasn't, gosh, it wasn't until honestly like, I think 2021 that I made the connection between the dopamine deficiency and my anxious attachment. I'm like, no wonder I would get anxious like about the idea of not having anyone there because all of a sudden it's like feeling like I'm locked in a room with the air being sucked out. know, like Jesus. And then I figured out, was like, oh, well if it's dopamine thing. Can I just find other sources of dopamine and practicing magic, making music, all of those kinds of things. I'm like, I'm so 100 % there with you on like, if you're in a relationship that is, you're turning a blind eye to the things that are not working and not just like problems to figure out or whatever, but like long-term lack of compatibility or like you had this spark of attraction in the beginning and now you can't like. let go of it, you want it to be something more, but it's actually not lasting you past the honeymoon phase because there's nothing that was there beyond that surface traction and like, it's so hard. So I'm right there with you. I'm so glad that you've made that a part of your work.

Gianna: Yeah, thank you for saying that. I love what you brought up with neurodivergency because it's like, something that I really believe is that we should be whoever we feel called to be in this life. But I think that we are also uniquely our own expression of self. And it's perfect, and there's nothing wrong with that. But it's really about having the conscious agency and choice around your relationship decisions. I think what you're describing with the dopamine, think a lot of people can relate to that, whether they identify as neurodivergent or not, because it's like, I find with my clients who are codependent or have codependent tendencies, there's just such a unconscious habit of seeking that dopamine, that joy, and also that self-worth and that significance, and also that regulation and security through other people. And it's such a powerful thing to be able to learn. And this is a big part of the work that I do with people fundamentally around relationships is to be able to, what I like to call it, like self-source, right? Like self-source, like consciously those things that we have felt like a bit like dependent upon relationships for, like from a place of that causes us to kind of like abandon like what we really need for that season of life or like abandon certain standards in order to try to get that like dopamine or. validation or like whatever it is, that's super important. And I love that you were able to make that connection and be like, okay, like my dopamine gets to like come from like magic and like music and like these other things that, you know, feel nourishing and give back. it's like this reciprocal healthy relationship that doesn't require you to have to like be funneling energy into a connection that may not be like bear fruit or have a return that feels valuable to your life. So I think that that's freaking awesome. And I love the way you put it.

Arden: just curious what, when you work with women who are stuck in that pattern where they're getting that joy or that dopamine from the crush from the relationship or whatever that is, I'm curious what sort of things you advise them to get that joy from that are not dependent on partnership. Like if someone was in that pattern, what kind of things would you encourage them to explore?

Gianna: Everybody's a little bit different, but what I like to do is help them pinpoint the emotional need that they're getting from that person, right? And so it usually boils down to a handful of things. It's usually security, it's dopamine joy, happiness fulfillment, et cetera, or a sense of significance or value and self-worth. And then it's like, kind of do a little bit of an audit in your day-to-day life and thought process and also lifestyle. that where this is like actively where you're actively feeling the opposite or where you're craving to feel more of this feeling in general. And so that can like lead to a whole like rabbit hole of like these deeper things that maybe people have been using unconsciously anyways, using like a romantic partnership to like distract themselves from like, for example, I'll give you two examples, I think both are gonna be important. So when I was younger, I had an eating disorder, right? So I, I had just under eating like, back over exercising, like those kinds of things. And it was like my, you know, if anybody that knows anything about eating disorders knows a lot of the times those things manifest as a way to try to have control, you know, which was made perfect sense for me in my childhood. Like I didn't have a sense of control. And so that's what something I could control with myself. And I had these like chronic, when I was younger, these chronic like body image insecurities. And this would like pop up in my dating life where it's like, I would unconsciously default expect men to not be attracted to me, which is crazy. I'm just kidding. And so I would just be waiting for a response from them. And I would just be on this anxious edge that would be really distracting. And I would just be seeking that and putting my energy there. And what I really needed to do, which I did eventually, is bring the focus back to myself to address. the fact that like my day to day life, like in my head, like I would look in the mirror every day and be like, ew, like I would be criticizing myself. Like I would be having all this anxiety around like the way that I ate that day or like whether or not I worked out hard enough. And like, I should just go work out more. like, and it was just this thing, this like self abuse, right? And like, that I really found empowered me a lot in my romantic life was to address that and like really move through those patterns once and for all. And like another example, that I want to share is like, because I see this a lot with clients. A lot of the times it's like women who don't love their life, right? Like maybe they took a career path that takes up so much of their time and energy. They have a lot of burnout. have like, you know, maybe they work in the medical field or in law or like in, you know, the way that they run their business if they're a business owner or like they work in the corporate world and there's like this. abusive work culture or like, you know, they tend to like self abandon and just exhaust themselves like day to day out of like people pleasing. And so it's like their life in general is just unfulfilling. And so, you know, it's like they are seeking they hyper fixate on like the romantic partner or like the situation ship or whatever it is as a way to like kind of compensate for that. And so they kind of feel powerless in the connection to be able to like hold those standards where they're respecting themselves. because it's like they kind of feel like they need that to feel okay because they don't feel okay in their life. They don't like their life. And so it's like, you know, something that I've done through relationship work is like helped clients start businesses, help them like, you know, regulate themselves like in like, when they're working on Wall Street and they like the toxic work culture, like being able to like set boundaries and like not take certain things personally and like regulate themselves through those things to manifest like different career opportunities and experiences and just different emotional experiences in the environment. So that way it's like they can approach their dating life with more like personal power. Does that make sense?

Arden: love that. absolutely. Yeah, I was thinking also, because I know that you've also started working with women around business. like you were saying before, our patterns, if they show up in our love lives, I have this saying I love to talk about in the repatterning projects. The way we do one thing is the way we do everything. And I know it feels like a real blanket statement, but it's one of those phrases where even when I think it's not true, I always keep finding more and more evidence of it being true. And I know for me, Starting the repatterning project like, you know, I had worked as a dating coach before, but I had never really fully committed to like building a business. It was more of a personal brand and you can work with me as a coach. Like if you happen to find me through my blog or whatever. And when I started the repatterning project, the funny thing was I had so many of my own trauma patterns around like having clients come up. that I had to deal with kind of like a baptism through fire. And thank goodness, like the repatterning project was important enough to me that I was like, oh no, this is like, I have to get this information out there. So whatever I need to learn, like I need to learn it on the fly. But it was amazing how like, yeah, you don't think that it's the same thing, but it really, really is. had to like, and I had to learn to trust myself and be like, wait, do I know how to set boundaries? Do I know how to have a healthy? transaction that is mutually beneficial to both me and the client. Yeah, of course I do. Okay, well, just do that. But I had to like thank myself through it, you know? So I love that you work with women around those topics too.

speaker-1: then let's.

Gianna: Yeah, because I have something like the way that I see business and obviously like we're both like business owners. But I believe that it's like we create businesses that are, you know, they have a will of their own. There's like a consciousness that's like wanting to manifest into the collective for like collective good. Right. And so it's. So thank you. And so we feel called to like birth these programs, these products, these services. And it can be it can be music, can be art, it can be courses, it can be books, it can be fashion, it can be all these kinds of things.

Arden: ⁓ my god, I love that.

Gianna: And like, that's what we're supposed to be doing because we feel called to it. We want to and like this stuff. gives us life. brings us joy and it, and like other people benefit from it and appreciate it. Even if it's whether it's deep healing or like an aesthetic anchoring piece of art in your home that like holds the frequency of the room for you. Right. And so it's like, if we are having these like anxious attachment patterns, like around clients or we're, you know, over giving or we're like self abandoning, like through our transactions. You know, we are not only like harming ourselves, but I believe we're not holding like a healthy, energetic standard for the people that we bring in and how we bring them in. And that impacts the experience, right? Of like, what, you know, cause I, and I feel like every business owner like has to go through this in the beginning, but like, I know for me in early business, I feel like I wouldn't attract the most like ready empowered clients. They would just be like, I want to do anything to get a relationship and like, you know, and maybe be like a bit. penny pinchy, like disrespectful, like, why should I pay you that's for that? And it's like that like, felt personal to me, like I would take that personally and be like, ⁓ like, maybe I'm not enough. And so I would like want to overcompensate in some way and I would over give, which only just feed the dysfunctional dynamic. Whereas like the thing that attracts in people who really like value and respect your work and like are like your soulmate clients, if you will, are people who like see what you do and like value it and like But that route and they pay you for it and it like just nourishes their life in some way, but it's required in order to attract that. I believe like most of the time it's like, have to be respecting yourself. Like you have to be holding those standards. You have to be like, you know, for lack of a better way to put it. And I don't really like language like this in general, but I'm just kind of being cheeky, which is like, you know, you can't be like easy. You know what I mean? Like, yeah. And so, cause it's like then like you have to have standards with who you attract and that doesn't. That doesn't mean that you will get less. means you get more high quality people. Like, and I've had that experience in my business before where it's like, you know, there was a point in time where it's like, had, I'd hit the six figure level and I was like really wanting and feeling capable of more. And I wanted more, like, I just knew that there was more people I was supposed to be working with. And I wanted to like almost double my rates. Cause that's just what felt really in alignment for the level of service I was providing for that particular client experience. And like I had to, it was funny. I was like telling myself. Okay, like I'm not even having like the level of clients I want when I'm like pretty much abandoning myself and like what I'm charging and like whatever and how much I'm giving. So like how could I think that like business would be like pick up even more if I like held a higher standard and and I stayed in that pattern for a little bit and then I finally like it finally clicked for me where it was like Actually, this makes so much more sense because like when I'm respecting myself and I'm respecting my work, I'm even more like magnetic and attractive to people and that became the experience and I like nearly doubled my rate and started booking out for the first time ever and like repeatedly booked out again and again and again. And I was like, bam, I should have done this a long time ago.

Arden: Nice. ⁓ my gosh. Yeah. Yeah. Those, and it's the same thing. It's the same sort of like, well, if I raise my standards, fewer people are going to meet it. Like it's the same thing that happens in relationships. And I know for me, for a long time, like the people I was dating and say my twenties, there was definitely an element of like, I feel like I am going to feel secure in this relationship because I actually have my life together so much more than this person does. Like how could they possibly leave someone like me? And the amazing thing that I feel like all people kind of learn as we get a little bit older is that actually it's the people that you lower your standards for who treat you worse.

speaker-1: Like

Arden: it feels like it doesn't make mathematical sense, but somehow, somehow raising your standards and saying, no, I'm gonna have someone really, and having to like also expand your idea of what is possible. That was such a big part of my own repatterning was like looking to relationship model, even fictional ones, even like Morticia and Gomez Adams, you know? I was like, I want that level of love and passion and security and like all the things. And being able to be like, no, that's possible. There are people out there who want that too. And I'm actually blocking myself from those people by imagining that either they don't exist or that I can only do as well as this sort of more compromising energy of like, well, this person will really wanna stay with me because they're not doing so great on their own, you know?

Gianna: Yeah, yeah, that's so real. And I had to go through the same thing. And honestly, some people never evolved past that, honestly, regardless of age. I think that it's like my core self, little Gianna, like inner child Gianna, she's a big lover girl giver, so generous, so thoughtful, so loving. And I had to learn discernment. of like when someone wasn't valuing me or like coming in with like reciprocity and like respect that that wasn't a sign to give more love to get them to like, you know, and to just be like more loving to get them to finally value me. No, because like nine times out of 10, and it's a little bit more complex than this, but you know, a lot of the times like people don't and this is like very common with like codependency and like even, you know, if you want to teeter into like topics of like addiction as well, but it's like, A lot of the times, people don't change when they're enabled. You know what I mean? They kind of have to have a bit of stark reality where it's like, no, you don't get more love when you're an asshole, or you don't get more love and warmth and generosity when you don't nourish and respect and appreciate and reciprocate to that source of warmth and generosity and love and kindness, right? That's kind of a shift that we have to start to make where the way it's like positioning yourself, like the way that you, and this isn't something that you have to like overly think about strategically. It's just something that you do when you do like when this concept lands and you do just respect yourself and value yourself where it's like the same thing. it's like, again, like this applies to like business, I feel like, but it also applies to relationships. The way that we unconsciously position ourselves, like creates how people treat us. You know, I've had clients who And again, I don't knew people from this lens, but I'm going to like kind of speak to the common mentality out there, which is like, you know, ⁓ I bet that woman who is like very successful and like in her late twenties, early thirties and like looks like a Victoria's Secret model or a Kardashian or whatever the beauty standards are now, like men just, you know, are falling to her feet or like that woman who is like older. and doesn't have a lot of money and doesn't have abs. She probably just has to beg for love. Not necessarily. I've had clients who would fit the archetype of the first woman who have had just really atrocious experiences with men because it's not about the boxes you check. It's about the energy that you bring forward. And I also have a recent client example of this, this woman who is in her 60s. And we did some like relationship work for her post-divorce. And she like, I don't know, I wasn't surprised, but I just like was so giddy and like had so much fun seeing it. Where it's like men of all different like age ranges and like really successful, loving, generous men were just like pursuing the hell out of her. And it was because, and she's now in a partnership that's been very happy, but she's now like, a lot of the times it's like people think that you have to be perceived a certain way. And it's so much not about that. It's the way that you carry yourself. It's the way that you like unconsciously position yourself that determines like how people treat you and like also like how you allow people to treat you because it's like it's so much about just the way that you carry yourself, you know.

Arden: Yeah. One thing I've noticed in a lot of your content is you use the word soulmate a lot, like soulmate connection, soulmate relationship. And there's, I'm sure like there's a lot of different ways that soulmate can be defined. And I love like looking at all perspectives. So I'm just curious, what is your personal definition of a soulmate?

Gianna: Yeah, I mean, for me, a soulmate, and don't get me wrong, like I definitely believe there are people that we journey with through many lifetimes and they take on like an unconditional role in your life to maybe like wound the fuck out of you, to like help you be more self-aware of the things that are going on within you and there's an unconditional soul level love in that. But to me, like a soulmate that I wish for everyone is the person who comes into your life when you're at a place of healthy, reciprocal partnership and it's someone who can see you and understands you and values your unique characteristics and traits and also compliments your life and fits into what you need for yourself to be your best self, but also adds to it and you do the same for them. so that's really, I think that there's a certain kind of soulmate that I talk about that comes in when you're at a place of like, secure attachment, know, like self-love, polarity embodiment that feels authentic and right for you, as far as like masculine, feminine energies. And then it's like, you also know yourself, you know what you want. And then it's like, the universe kind of sends in that person that like largely fits you and then probably checks a few other boxes that you didn't even like consciously think about. And it's like a little surprise and delight from the universe, if you will. And that's the person that you can really have longevity with. That's what I would determine as soulmate us, and the way I talk about it anyways.

Arden: Nice. So it sounds like for you, a soulmate is essentially like when you have removed perhaps the conditioning, like the scaffolding, the patterning that you may have picked up through wounding, know, through trauma throughout your life or just through like your life experience. When you clear that distortion away so that your own soul is a very clear resonant frequency, then you attract someone who has that same frequency so your souls can meet. Does that sound like kind of what you're talking about? I love that. It's so fun. Like, and I know like we've talked about this too. Like one of the things that I'm a big, big, big believer in is just the idea that like we are not our patterning. We are not our programming. And so I also recognize that there are people who come into our lives. There are people, like you said, who are like their soulmates, but they actually come in to teach you a lesson.

Gianna: Yes.

Arden: Like you meet up in this lifetime to be like, ⁓ no, I don't want that. And like there's theories out there that like, it's like those are the people who actually love you the most on a soul level. Cause they're willing to be, they're willing to be rejected by you in this lifetime so that you can learn this karmic lesson. In some ways it's a gift. And I know that can sound a little bypassy, but like there's a part of that that also resonates with me on sort of like a non-dual level that I kind of like. And then there's also people that I feel like maybe like we have traveled through lifetimes before. and maybe their soul just happened to pick up a lot of programming or patterning along the way. Maybe they went through a lot of abuse as a kid. Maybe they're struggling with addiction. Maybe they, you whatever patterns that they have. And what I love about where we agree on this is that my feeling is like that person can still be your soulmate, but it still requires you getting in both parties, getting into that. clear resonant frequency before the relationship will actually work. even if there is someone who's like, ⁓ that person who, you know, like there's all those memes online that are like, you ⁓ that, that guy who's like not calling you back or like the dude who's like, you know, whatever, you know, drug dealer you're obsessed with, whatever is like not your soulmate. And I'm always like, you know, not necessarily. Yeah. Your soulmate can pick up these patterns too, but the important part.

Gianna: More nuance, yeah.

Arden: is that you're not using the soulmate connection to justify harm or abuse or distortion or lack of resonance in the relationship or like bad behavior on their part or your part. It's like, okay, if that is your soulmate, then you better get super clear because like you were saying before, it's only when you get this clear in yourself, like enabling people doesn't help. You better like be the lighthouse, not the life raft, right? And then get so clear and bright that that... person, if they are your soulmate, will be inspired by you and be like, ⁓ damn, I got to step it up, right?

Gianna: Yeah, mean, amen. like, like, I feel like last time when we hung out in LA, like, we had such a deep conversation, or like along this thread that I loved so much. ⁓ my god. Yeah. I was like, damn, like Arden gets it, like the complexities and the nuance, because it's like people can be so black and white with relationships where it's like, you know, like something I used to say, like early in my earlier in my relationship coaching work a lot that we would kind of like have, I feel like funny side conversations about. where I'd be like, ⁓ my God, like the oral romanticization of twin flame conversations. And it's like, I get it. And again, like there can be truth to that, but it's like also to people who are kind of like longing for connection and feel like a bit of desperation for love and like connection and belonging and maybe have like codependent patterns and like ancient attachment patterns. Like it can be a little bit of an unconscious and not that this is like the intention of like twin flame culture necessarily, but it's like, A lot of the times people can use that as a justification to just stay super hyper fixated on a certain relationship and a certain connection that like honestly in a different place, you probably wouldn't even want that connection. But then it takes a lot of self awareness because I'm so excited to even like say this, but I know you're going to get this and I, yeah, it's just so juicy. It's something I get asked a lot or I've been asked a lot about over the years. It's like, can you manifest a specific person? Right. And I'm like, The reality is, is like, if you are someone who deeply knows yourself, you're deeply intuitive and like, you know, you know, like your patterns, you know, where you tend to get anxious or avoidant or like give your power away or like self-abandoned or whatever it is. If you're overall in a good place and you feel a certain kind of arc or a certain kind of connection with someone, there is a level of recognition in that. there can, when you're, when you truly are a conscious person, sometimes You're like, I'm recognizing my person and like their circumstances and my circumstances are not in alignment yet. And so like, I can manifest that person because they are a manifestation of an embodiment of my deepest like soul's truth and partnership. And I can like smell it on them. And so in that, in that regard, like when you do come even more into integration with your most authentic self, like you do, you can call that person in and people do it. I've seen it. I've helped people with it. But a lot of the times, and I'm telling you most of the time, these people are honestly in delusion and they're in just like self-deception and self-betrayal because they're using that relationship as like a way to bypass these things that they need to work on. And this is why nine times out of 10, I say to clients, don't hyper-focus on a certain person, focus on the archetype and the essence, the energetic essence of what you want. Because if it is that person, you can be open to them, they will come in. But if it's not, then they will fall away. And that tends to be what happens because a lot of the times people, a lot of people don't have, and it's not that they're not capable of it, but it's like a lot of the times people aren't hyper fixating and like getting obsessed with certain people from a place of true soul recognition. It's like codependency, it's anxious attachment. It's like they're, you know, your traumas are like, are very, compatible, if you will. Right. And so I love that you kind of brought up like that nuance because it's like, A lot of the time people are either one board or the other where it's like, like that incredibly harmful to my wellbeing person is the one, or they're definitely not the one because they would respect me. If he wanted to, he would. And life tends to be a little bit more nuanced and complex than that. people have issues. And it's so much about like the energy and the standards and the boundaries that you bring into the connection. that determine the real health and longevity of the connection. And something I say a lot in my work is the way in which, and this is why being single is honestly so fun, because I'm like, I can literally attract whatever the fuck I want. You know I mean? It's like, I can literally attract whatever the fuck I want because of the energy I put out. someone can, and my last relationship is an example of this, where it's like, he told me, he was like, I thought I was damaged and was just this emotionally avoidant person. But he had this cycle of being the avoidant in an anxious avoidant dynamic. And I came forward to him. And granted, I think that the stars aligned circumstantially to where we were a little bit more disarmed with each other. But I brought in more of a secure attachment. And also, there was just an innate ⁓ authentic connection there. And so he was not avoiding with me at all. It was quite the opposite. He was very secure. If I got a little avoidant, he'd be like, what are you doing? ⁓ you felt that, huh? And so it's like your energy impacts so much of what you experience.

Arden: One of the things that Neil Strauss said, not in his book, The Game, but in his sort of follow-up book, The Truth, which sadly was not nearly as popular as The Game was. And because The Truth, it's a really great book. And one of the things that he says in it is, trust is a leash that gets longer the less you pull on it. That idea of like, if you're not constant, like you don't get, it's literally an energetic push-pull thing, right? It's like, if you're not tugging on someone, or constant validation or need for security. It's like, oh, hey, where'd you go? You give them the space to come back. And I wanna also talk about, you mentioned twin flame culture, and I'm just gonna say it, man, twin flame culture has messed the F up. And it's because there are so many, I'll just say it, there's so many cults out there because there are so many people who are, especially in the dysregulated times that we are living in, there are so many people who are searching for that. regulation or security in a relationship and what they think of as a soulmate relationship. And there are so many people who are mistaking that limerence or that feeling of a high for a soulmate connection when it isn't, right? When it's just like, as you said, either your traumas meeting or that spark of attraction or whatever it is, because they haven't really experienced what a soulmate connection actually feels like. So they're like, this must be it because it feels so intense. And so there's quite literally cults out there that capitalize on that and they're selling and this is it makes me so angry because I'm someone who has been on the twin flame path and when I started on it, gosh roughly 10 years ago now, I felt like I was out of my mind. I was getting all these signs about like, ⁓ this is the twin flame path, just do it. ⁓ Because everything that I'd saw and read about it in the culture just felt so backwards. I'm so very grateful that like, Somehow I learned at least like the theory of it and the theory of the twin flame Bible what you're supposed to do is it goes like okay you meet this person and immediately all like your wounding and patterning comes up because there is this frequency of love between you but there like things are not gonna work if you're both in these kind of anxious avoidant polarities and you you've got to both get into balance and so you do the inner work you release the patterning that is you know distorting that sort of soul frequency that we were talking about And they're like, and if you get there, like if you get to that place, then the other person should too, because you have that cord between the two of you. And in my experience, doesn't like, it doesn't go at the same time necessarily, but like, but the key is, and this is how like as a chaos magician, my practice of chaos magic is built on the foundation of the idea that I choose the beliefs that get me the results that I want. And what I found with the twin flame path, is the only result, the only belief that got me to that place of total non-attachment and just, you know, worrying about myself was the belief that your twin flame is not necessarily one person. It is whoever you attract when you are in this frequency of resonance, because you may go through this. the funny thing was, Gianna, I got to a place where I'm like, actually, I don't think that belief is categorically true. but it has to be the belief in practice because you can't know if that person really is that person or not unless you are 100 % willing to let them go. If you're 100 % willing to be like, I'm just gonna get there and see, I'm gonna get there myself. And if it's not them, then I was wrong about it and it was just limerence and I don't want them if they're not actually that soul connection. And the only way to find that soul connection is to get there. So I went through phases where I was like, ⁓ maybe I'm going through a few different twins who are simply my mathematical polar opposite of whatever reflection of is like of the work that I've done on myself. And that was the belief that got me to that place. And like, I'm not ready. Like I'll just say for listeners, whatever I'm like, I'm like not ready to tell that full story yet. And also like, I want to focus this on Gianna. But I just want to validate the fact that like, Every twin flame thing that I saw out there, so much of it was just like, but there you're twin flame, you must fight for this connection. I'm like, that is the mathematical opposite of what you need to do. yeah. part of my whole thing is like going forward into a lot of what I'm gonna be doing is like, I just wanna rewrite the culture's entire notion of what twin flames are and what the path is to actually do it. Cause it turns out actually if you do it that way,

Gianna: Yeah.

Arden: Like it works one way or another. Either they are your twin flame and then like stuff happens or they weren't your twin flame. And so you attract an amazing person from this place that you're in this soul frequency resonance place of at that point. Like either way you win. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Gianna: Exactly, exactly. you know, something that I just love everything that you spoke to and I love the term chaos magician, like I'm gonna need to know more about that at some point. Maybe like, when I see you next

Arden: like we choose the beliefs that get us the results that we want. Like we measure our beliefs and practices by the results that they get us.

Gianna: Just that ⁓ title resonates with something in me that I need to explore further. So do we continue? I love that. Totally down. Yeah, love it. But something that I feel to be deeply true for me is I know that my soul came here to do certain things in this life that I chose before I incarnated in this physical body. I deeply believe that. I deeply believe. ⁓ part of my Dharma in this lifetime for collective good, but also for what my soul is meant to evolve into in this life. Relationships and romantic relationships are a big part of that journey and that experience for me. And so for me, it was never gonna be my path to just marry the high school sweetheart. You know what I mean? I think my soul's path has been to, I needed to experience a lot of things to activate. past life wisdom that I already have and like some of it that was just already innately there. And I think my childhood really like activated, because this is something that like I kind of like channeled if you will at one point, which is, you know, also for side context here, like I was raised by psychic medium. So I also have that like element of my existence that's like intuitive. But something that I deeply believe is that like sometimes Like we experience things like very early in life that are meant to like turn on certain things that we've already kind of had in past lives that we've already mastered that are a part of like our, our souls, like just things that we've already mastered and been embodied in. They just get turned on really quickly. Right. And we're meant to have those be active and activated for like whatever we're supposed to be doing, having this life. And like, you know, something that I've seen, for example, with that is like clients who I feel like they get initiated in their childhood to be really enmeshed. But I think that like the purpose of that. is to activate their intuition to be able to be able to like be sensitive to other people's energy, but they're meant to keep that sensitivity without the self abandonment and integrate that. But something that I have known to be true is that I, for me personally in my own journey with relationships is like, the thing that I can, that I always go back to is like, I'm going to like listen to myself and like take care of myself and be true to myself and like myself and love myself and respect myself. And whoever that leads me to and leads me away from, I will always fucking trust that. And along the way, I've learned so much relationship nuance and complexity around that, where it's like, okay, it's not just the black and white, like, ⁓ I healed myself and now I don't attract tough boys or avoidance or whatever anymore. People are a bit more complex than that. I definitely believe sometimes it's like, we feel called to stay open to a connection. And as we stay true to ourselves, that connection can elevate with us. there's so much more nuance and complexity to relationships. Maybe you can recognize the essence of someone who is married, but they're not happily married. But again, that's where we get into some tricky waters, because a lot of the times it's like... you know, do you actually, is that married person like your beloved or is there something in you that is self sabotage into available connections and like this person, you know, in the back of your mind, you could never have them. And so you feel compelled to just like drop your wall because there's no real risk. You know what I mean? So it's like, you kind of have to be able to really, really get to know yourself and really, really call yourself the fuck out to be able to navigate like a bit of those. complex, nuanced waters, if you will.

Arden: Yeah. And I love that the path forward for both of those possibilities is actually the same. Like you don't have to know when you're in that space of like crush and limerence and whatever, which like I've been there. was on, that was very much, know, in the beginning when I was getting all these signs of like, no, this is the thing that you need to work on yourself and you need to do this path and you need to not focus on this person or whatever you actually need to patch and get yourself into that place. like, honestly, I did it just cause I was curious. I was like, If this actually works, that's a game changer. And so the path for, but like either you work on yourself and you're like, ⁓ that was just me wanting an unavailable connection. Or was like, ⁓ no, I did this. And actually things shifted and actually like, wow, I was right or whatever.

Gianna: Yeah ⁓

speaker-1: Hmm? Mm-hmm?

Gianna: Juicy.

Arden: So I want to ask you also a question. What's that?

Gianna: People don't know how to, I feel like when people typically talk about those conversations, people are either like, he's married, girl, stop, or like, oh yeah, it's definitely, be the twin flame to Lulu, yes, he's the one. I love this, he wants conversations, but anyway.

Arden: Yeah, ⁓ my God, me too. I'm so glad that we're talking about all of this. I want to ask you a question, because I know you and I have like a very friendly, complimentary disagreement, and that is on feminine men. ⁓ And maybe like, maybe we just have different definitions of what a feminine man is. But for example, and I know that like, you've talked about like your work is for spiritually aware, feminine women, like women who identify as feminine. And I have a very strong feminine aspect. But I also have a very strong masculine aspect. I feel like really pretty balanced within myself. And I'm attracted to men who also have both of those. And I'm attracted to women too. ⁓ I'm bisexual, pansexual, whatever. I've been attracted to many different types of people. But the place where I feel really the strongest attractions are to men who have a really strong feminine and a strong masculine. So they compliment me. they have both of those complimentary things to compliment me as well. And I've seen like sometimes you'll describe like a feminine man as like a man who isn't capable of taking initiative or like being a leader in the relationship. And that's important to me too. Like, obviously I want someone who is going to have that sort of strong basis, but there's also times that like, I like to take the lead or I like to make plans or I like to do things like that. And so I'm wondering, I guess my question is like a bit of a two-parter. Like first of all, What is it that you mean when you talk about a feminine man in a way that like you're saying is not ideal in a relationship? And then what sort of maybe, I don't know, advice or like, how would your guidance differ for someone like me who has that sort of non-binary nature and is attracted to people who have both of those sort of masculine and feminine poles?

Gianna: Believe it or not, not to reduce myself to astrology, but ⁓ I've got a lot of Gemini placements, also Leo placements. But I'm a very curious person who can really see the value in so many things. I also have attraction to women. ⁓ I'm attracted to different aspects of different qualities and frequencies in men. But to me, what it boils down to, I'm like, One thing I want to say before I a little caveat here is I innately will don't believe in telling other people like what is their correct embodiment or in who they are in relationship. I think that that is our sovereign right to know and choose for ourselves. Because I'm not here to say like, like the way that you're wired or like the way that you that's all that's wounded. That's trauma. Like sometimes it is, you know, like I was definitely like. In the past, when I was younger, I was very much a self-abandoning, codependent woman. That wasn't me. That was trauma. And then there was times where I overcompensated into a hyper-independence and a more masculine energy, if you will, where I always had to be in control in relationships. I was making the decisions. And to a point that felt good, because I felt my sovereignty and my independence in that, that I previously didn't feel inside of myself. But it got to a point where, in partnership, I felt over, like overextended and I was like over functioning. And I think that that's a real issue for a lot of women in like traditional, like heteronormative dynamics where when you think of like the typical relationship dream that a lot of people will have, which is like get married, have kids, like build a home together, you know. And then when you start to talk about the labor around a home or like emotional labor in a relationship, I think for women who want something like somewhat traditional in that way. Feminine energy embodied in themselves and like a masculine partner is very important because otherwise that's where that like statistic comes from where it's like women who get married and have children's life expectancy goes down and for a man it goes up. like correlation is not causation, right? Like I think it's the underbelly, the underworkings that feed into that outcome. And for a lot of the times it's women. being unconsciously so conditioned to just like pick up the slack like emotionally around the home. And so there's just certain things that like I think especially like when children are involved, like there's just certain things. And I witnessed this with my sister who just had a baby like a few years ago where it's like there's certain things like no matter how much your partner like wants to help and like wants to have your back and like wants to take something on for you. There's just like biological elements where the child like needs the mom to do it, right? Where it's like the breastfeeding, right? Like the baby doesn't take the bottle. Like, you know, there's just certain things that like, where I think a woman like when she is in that role, like wants to be, and I'm not speaking for everyone here, obviously, but like she wants to be able to be that present, like nurturing available nourishing figure. But it's like if she's taking on like so much more in a relationship dynamic and in a home. Like she, her life force is just being immensely depleted. And so I think that it's like, it's really up to you, like as an individual to decide, you know, you can, you can appreciate and like feel attraction for like multiple different types of things. But it's like, at the end of the day, like who do you want to be? And like, what is the life that you want to live? And like, what partner is really complimentary to that? And for a lot of women that I've worked with, like around feminine energy, it's like they, they typically have been a woman. where they're over-functioning a lot. And it's like they have a hard time giving up control, and they often are lacking trust and respect towards the masculine and the relationship. And that has to be cultivated, and it's often a past projection of old wounds. But I think for men, it's like, and again, I think there's people who are just wired a bit differently and feel called to live life a certain way, and that's- fucking great. And I think that's divine. think that's perfect. I think that's what you're supposed to do and be in half. But it's like, sometimes I think that there are just like women can have wounding that causes them to over function. feel like men can have and these are just generalized statements. Obviously, I think men sometimes in my experience, and I've had male clients too. And I've also seen how my clients in partnership, like their masculine started to shift as they shifted these energy, but it's like, I do believe sometimes, and there's different factors that go into it. It can be like health, hormones, can be trauma, but it's like where men innately would feel, some men would innately feel better, like feeling more in this like masculine role, if you will, being able to make decisions, be decisive, take charge and handle certain things, but they don't because maybe they... they don't feel confident. They feel a bit emasculated. And maybe that started young, in their childhood with their relationship with their mother, where their mom was always jumping down their throat and they go into their wounded, inner little boy that's like, I'm just shutting down. I'm gonna go play video games and go to my room. That kind of energy and the passive, people-pleasing man who's like, whatever you say, honey, whatever you say, honey. And it's like, that might avoid conflict, but it's not healthy relationship structure for that kind of dynamic. So I get it a day, like, be honest, I know you said like a playful, respectful disagreement. Like, I think we are actually like more in alignment than maybe we thought we were. I think that it's just, yeah, like a bit more nuance. And I just think it boils down to like personal preference. again, like I don't believe, because that's like Republican shit to me. Like, this is how, like, this is your role as a man. That's your role as a woman. And if you're not that role, there's something wrong with you and you need to heal. Like, I don't believe in that. Like, I think that that's our own choice. That's our own, like, whatever. Like, I don't know you're so calling better than you do. But like, if something that I say like resonates with you, hell yeah. You know, I got your back. We can work on it.

Arden: It sounds like your definition of feminine in this context is like a feminine man that is in a not so great way is someone who is maybe kind of avoid, it's almost like an anxious avoidant polarity, but instead of it being the push pull between like attention and attachment, it's the push pull between making effort in the relationship that the woman in some dynamics like this has to overcompensate for a lot of leadership because the man feels afraid to step up. And it's so funny because when I think of feminine men, I think of artists and creatives. think of like Prince, I think of David Bowie. I think of men who actually have accomplished incredible things. And like in David Bowie's case was completely devoted to his partner, right? I think also of like in more contemporary standards, think of like right now, like K-pop is having such a ⁓ surge, you know, in the U.S. like probably thanks to K-pop Demon Hunters, which is such a great movie. And I look at the culture of that. I got so interested in being like, ⁓ this is really neat, what's this? And the K-pop idols, the men who are K-pop idols, they work so hard. The amount of creativity that they have to put out on such a crazy schedule and everything like that, it's just. It's like the last thing that they are is passive, right? But they have to be sort of like everything. have to be hard, but they have to be soft and they have to be cute, but they have to be sexy and they have to be all these. And I look at that, I respect that so much because of my former work as like a dating coach. I remember like holding myself to being able to be all of these different archetypes in order to be attractive and to channel that into a creative career is just like. It's just such an amazing feat. So I don't think of femininity in men as anything about slacking off. I feel like it's ⁓ a cultivation of intuition and a cultivation of attractiveness in a way that a lot of overly masculine men often don't think about. Like they might dress up in a suit, they might look good, right? They might be like a football player on the field. People might be into that, but feminine, men with a strong feminine aspect, like they think about style and aesthetic in like a completely different way. And as a woman, I'm like, I feel seen by that. Like you actually know how much effort I put into myself. I'm not just like doing this for someone who doesn't get it, you know? So yeah, so maybe that's where we ultimately agree. We just have different semantic definitions of what feminine means.

Gianna: think that it is a bit like, is a good word for it because it's like, is that feminine energy or is it wounded masculine? Because like whenever I talk to clients about like masculine and feminine energy, I always go back to the example where it's like, we need both, right? And I think we should all have both inside of us, right? Where it's like the feminine is like the intuition, she's the flow, she's the, and I think we should all have like both, right? But it's like overall like in the relationship container, like the feminine woman takes on more of these traits. and it embodies more of them in the relationship dynamic, but she's the intuition, she's the flow, she's the intuitive oracle, she's the feeler, she's the presence, she's the sensuality, she's in the present moment, and she's the river flowing through the riverbank, whereas the masculine is the structure, he's the container, he's the riverbank that holds the water. And so it's like he might be more of the problem solver, linear thinker, like the... the action taker, the leader or whatever, but it doesn't mean that like she doesn't have those traits and it doesn't mean that he doesn't have those traits, but it's like that's where they kind of compliment and support each other really well. And then it's like, you know, the feminine without the riverbank, right? The water she just turns into a puddle and evaporates, whereas like the masculine without the river, like he's just like an ugly dirty ditch, right? You know what I mean? Like, so it's like, we need both, right? And it's like, we all have, and I think we all have like both, but it's like, I know for me specifically, I had a relationship like this where I really got, like, I really loved, like, the emotional element to a man, like, at the time, because I previously only dated, like, avoidance. Yeah, I kind of, like, went from one extreme to the other in a way where it's like I felt like I was just being this big, like, emotional spaceholder. And so it's like, to me, it was like a fine line between, in my own relationship experience of, like, okay, like, I love a man who's aware and in touch with his emotion and is creative. but ultimately his emotions don't hijack his ability to keep his eye on the prize, to be able to be focused, to lead himself in his life, have ambition, to have focus and drive and will and goals. You know what I mean? And so I think it ultimately does boil down to a bit of semantics for sure. But I like it. I love that we're slushing this out.

speaker-1: I mean

Arden: Me too. I'm like, I've wanted to like have this conversation with you for a while. Cause I know just to my listeners out there, like Gianna and I also, like we always joke that like if we ever go out together, like we will never compete for the same man. Like we will be the best wing woman because we have completely very, very different types. we're going to be, when she moves to LA, I'm keeping my fingers crossed when that day happens, we're going to like, we're going to be the best wing women ever. Well, I want to bring on our producer, Tomi, to ask her question at the end of the episode. And we've gone like over, but I love the fact, like, I didn't want to stop this conversation, even though I try to keep the episodes around an hour, but like we were in flow and it was so great. So, but now I'll go ahead and hand it over to Tomi to ask her question.

Gianna: Yeah, I would like to circle back to the like feminine man, masculine woman dynamic. And I'd be curious your thoughts on how you think that applies to trans people. Like personally, I'm someone who I was only able to start accomplishing things in life or like really put myself in that position of power as I embraced the feminine side that I was often made to feel ashamed of or like had to suppress. So. I don't know how much you work with trans clients, but I'd love to know how you think that plays into that dynamic. Yeah, no, I love this question. Yeah, I mean, I've had all different kinds of clients over the years, know, LGBTQ plus, all like all the things and what I really come back to is like, again, like, I really, really just think that it's it's up to us to be like our authentic expression of who we are in life and in relationships. And so I don't believe in telling people, like, you need to be more masculine in this way. You need to be more feminine in that way. But it's like, think sometimes if we have like an attraction towards, like, I'll use myself as an example, like, I have always been attracted to masculine men. But it's like when I was younger, I had a lot of like abuse through like a masculine father figure growing up. And as a result, like, I kind of would be like, have this push pull with masculine men. And so I would be like, I'm just going to date people who aren't really direct and don't have this authoritative presence because I associated that authoritative presence with abuse and not feeling safe. And so I went to the opposite extreme and would date men that were very passive. And then I would find, ⁓ I'm so depleted in this dynamic because it doesn't feel compatible with my authentic wiring. And so for me, my journey. personally was doing that work to be like, what do I really want? Who am I really? And like, who's going to fit me the best, ultimately, in a relationship dynamic? know, does that make sense? Yeah, I think so. Okay. Well, if there's anything you want me to clarify, let me know.

Arden: And maybe ultimately I think that's like the common theme of what this discussion kind of wraps up to, like especially as we're wrapping up, is Tomi, that for you, like femininity is that authentic soul resonance expression for you. So for you, like being in your femininity and, you know, attracting a partner that maybe mirrors you in a way that is appropriate, like for your own soul, like that is resonant with your own soul. And like for me being non-binary, the fact that I'm attracted to people who are, you know, also like rather androgynous like I am. And for Gianna being someone who is hyper feminine, know, again, like I was like, ⁓ I'm shocked she's not wearing pink today. It's the only time I've maybe seen you like not wearing pink, you know, to be able to attract what you want. And that at the end of the day, it really is about removing the programming and conditioning that tells you that you need to be anything that you aren't. And that when you are in that soul frequency, that's when you do attract the things that are most resonant and bring you the most joy. Gianna, I want to thank you so much for being on this conversation today. Is there anything I didn't mention before about where people can find you or what else they should check out of yours?

Gianna: First of all, thank you so much for having me, both of you. yeah, no, mean, the website, the gram, I'm on Facebook as well. But yeah, I mean, if there's anything like in the conversation that really resonated with you and you want to connect, like you are more than welcome to reach out to me in the DMs on any platform that you find me on. So feel free to do that.

Arden: Yay. Well, thank you once again for being here. And again, I am counting down the days till you're in Los Angeles, whether, you know, temporarily or maybe perhaps permanently for a little while. Yes, exactly. Thank you so much for being here today. And thank you to all of our listeners. Thank you for tuning in. Hope you enjoyed the conversation and we will see you next time on the Repatterning Podcast. Thank you for listening to the Repatterning Podcast.

Gianna: We continue.

Arden: If you're curious about The Repatterning Project, the eight-week course in mental mastery and creative freedom that inspires these conversations, you can check out more details at therepatterningproject.com. We run a cohort twice a year, or you can download the self-study version of the course and get started today. We also offer a four-week course on narrative magic and archetype titled, Myths and Magic, Changing Your Life Through Story, also twice a year. If you'd like to join our community, The Repatterning Parlor on Discord. You can sign up for $5 a month at patreon.com slash the repatterning podcast. Thanks to everyone who makes the repatterning podcast possible. Firstly, our award-winning producer, Tomi Trimbath of the Keymaster Collective Network of podcasts. She also produces transcending comics, Vision in the Void and Giant-Sized Violence. Thanks also to animation studio, Mortis and Madriacs, who created the video for our introduction, as well as to Andrew Means, who composed and produced our theme music. And also thanks to Al Alvarez, who took the photos of yours truly that you see on the cover of each episode if you're watching the video version. And finally, thanks to you, our listeners, who give meaning to this work. Our greatest wish is that whatever you've heard today inspires you to live freely and begin creating your reality from the inside out. Thanks for tuning in and we'll see you again soon.