Evie Mpras: you Hi, welcome mamas. I'm licensed marriage and family therapist, Evy Empress, and I'm here to help you and your couple relationship heal after baby comes from postpartum into way beyond. So today's episode is how to ask for your needs to be met. And this is going to be more than just how to ask and tips of how to approach asking, but also getting into why is asking so hard and can we make that easier for you? how to feel more empowered about knowing you have every right to have needs and about reaching out for help. And then we're gonna get into some tips about how to ask and the how is often more important than what you need or what you're asking for. Or you're really struggling but you hesitate and shut down instead, you retreat back into yourself instead of reaching out. This is gonna be a helpful podcast for you and for your partner to listen to as well. Look, I wanna start here by sharing right off the bat. This is a difficulty that exists with most moms, most people, honestly. And every mom I've worked with as a therapist through the years struggles with this on some level. Even the most assertive, confident women. If they really look deep down, there are needs that get ignored. And not just practical needs, but even actually more often deep emotional needs. For example, I need to feel like I'm not alone in dealing with our child's medical issues and also the grief that comes with it. I need you to be with me in the grief. I need to share that with you. Those are things that often get skated over, brushed under the rug, those kind of emotional needs. We may not even be aware those needs are there. So before getting into like how-to tips on the best ways to raise needs with one another that can circumvent defensiveness or someone feeling like they're being attacked, I think it's first and most important to build more self-possession, more confidence around knowing it's okay to have needs in the first place. So I would say... It's really helpful to first ask yourself, what experiences did you have as a child around asking for help? Emotional help too. I'm not just talking about you have a school project and you ask for help with that. That's part of it. But also if you were struggling with a friend at school, would you have felt comfortable letting one of your parents know that you needed help or your guardian, that you wanted to talk something out, that something was hard to process? What were family patterns? Did you notice? ⁓ your parents or family members asking one another for help or being available emotionally. Was there generally emotional support? Was that something you even talked about? Sometimes the rules and families are not verbalized. We just know, hey, we don't talk. A good example is when we're talking with sexuality in couples and I'll say like, hey, what was normal to you as a child discussing sexual matters and sexual health? And they would say, well, we just knew that we didn't talk about those things. And I would say, well, how did you know? And actually they would say most often, it's not like their parents said something, but that they just knew. So sometimes we just know that something is not acceptable. Something is not familiar. Something is not seen in a positive regard in our family without anyone saying anything. It's just the climate. get that vibe. So curiosity around what you learned growing up around asking for help and needing help can be valuable to seeing. What narratives over time did you develop? So do you have narratives around having needs and asking, such as being weak or not resilient, or maybe, ⁓ I must be too intense or too demanding, too much if I have needs. So sometimes these narratives or messages can come to us over time through relationships, either family of origin or other relationships in our lives with exes even. And this is usually why asking for needs feels so hard in our current relationship. And at a time, may I say, where, ⁓ my goodness, in pregnancy, postpartum, early parenthood, co-parenting young children, my goodness, it's so consuming. It's so demanding. We don't have the support and community in our extended family that, you know, most of humankind had. And there's just too much pressure. So of course there's going to be needs. We're also growing as a family. This is a family matter. This is not an individual matter. We're bringing another person to our home. We're fostering new connections. These are family matters. This is a time for connection. And the need for connection gets heightened during this time very naturally. So if we are taught over time, if we've been taught over time that, ⁓ man, I'm gonna be needy. I'm too much. I'm too demanding. I'm not strong. If I need help at a time like this, in this period, that's going to be very harmful to moms and parents going through this. So the fears that are there under that silence, under that retreat, under that withdrawal from reaching out, not just from our past experiences, but also experiences that we may have had with our current partners, right? Like maybe when something's gotten verbalized before it starts a fight or you guys get in like a downward spiral or it's been a blow up. Maybe it hasn't been a blow up, but there's been... not much responsiveness or not the responsiveness that you had hoped for. And it feels rejecting. Okay. I hear that a lot with the work I do with parents and couples that there was like effort to reach out at some points and then got really disappointed with the response. And then that leads to just, ⁓ I might as well not ask. It leads to a shutdown. Okay. Now you can imagine when this happens over and over and over again, even if it's happening quietly, remember like I had a supervisor once tell me danger can either come in fire or gas. They're both lethal. Fire's like really obvious, right? So blowups and fights are like fire and gas is more like what's happening, but it's not so obvious, right? It's lethal, but not as visually striking, right? So often it can go under the surface, right? These kind of dynamics can be easily missed because they're quiet. But when needs go unmet for a long time, whether that's happening in fights or whether that's happening with kind of a quiet withdrawal from one another, resentment is going to build. Even when you're in a solid relationship, even when there's a lot of love there, it's going to build up. And there is reactivity and there is withdrawal, not just because of fear of rejection, but also because sometimes the people hearing the needs see it as criticism or judgment or like an ultimatum or something demanding. Or, and this is what I see the most honestly, it's seen as, I'm not enough. I'm not doing enough. I'm not doing the right thing. I must be failing. But this kind of reaction, it's just totally on the defense, right? It really doesn't leave any space to try to be curious or aware of, okay, this is hard to hear, but also what's going on with my partner. If you want to start a podcast or grow your existing one, Juliana Barbati and her team have you covered. They handle the entire process from building episode funnels to production and marketing, so you can focus on reaching your audience. Visit julianabarbadi.com and let them know I sent you. And so when that gets missed, it's just going to be like both of you on opposite sides of a tennis court. You're just going to be on opposing teams. And that's where when you start having experiences like that over and over, there's going to be more and more reticence to reach out to each other. And this is going to be a big problem. Look. If you want to be authentic with yourself and you want to be authentic with your partner, it's going to be necessary to tune in first with what do I really want? What do I long for? What would it look like if I felt fully supported? What are the things I would want to hear? What would it look like between us day to day? And when you really tune into that, you're going to be able to express yourself really clearly to your partner so they can get a window into what you're really looking for. It's also very natural and healthy thing. It's a bid for connection. When we know that we have needs from others, well, of course we do. That's natural. We're wired to connect and to depend on one another, healthy interdependence. right. It's not like, you know, I know there's these attitudes of like, we just have to figure it out and be resilient, but what does it mean when we're starting a family or when we're growing a family? Is it an individual process? No. This is like, I don't know. This is what I'm going to keep harping on about probably in every podcast episode, which is. This is not an individual issue, matter or situation. These are family matters. These are relationship matters. You're in a family. What do you want your children to learn about having needs and expressing them, about listening to one another, about reaching out to one another and receiving one another in your family? Do you want them to get the same messaging that you had around, oh, just better to deal with it yourself or, oh, you're just too much or. I don't wanna hear this. Like, is that what you want them to pick on too? Like, what do you want for yourselves and your whole family? Again, when there's so much emphasis on family and family connections, sometimes I feel like that gets thrown around, those terms get thrown around in such a surface way. What does that mean? How do we actually show up and experience that kind of connection? It's not gonna be by retreating and staying on different islands and withdrawing into ourselves. It's gonna mean giving others an opportunity to meet needs. and join in a connection with us by asking, by being authentic. And the person were asking their responsibilities to listen without making it all about themselves too. So look, we need to reframe needs as not as weakness, not as something's wrong with you, especially in the pregnancy postpartum early parenthood stage. These are not flaws. This is not something wrong. This is relational information. This is a sign. that you want more connection, that you need more connection, and that something needs to get communicated in order for the health of your relationship. So I hope normalizing this and sharing what the cost is of not actually being authentic and sharing your authentic self can do what dynamics that can create, because it does lead to built up resentment, and that's gonna come out sideways, and you're gonna be modeling something also to your kids. Now, I don't want any of this to sound dismissive. understand there are very good reasons. It's extremely hard. It's very painful. People are afraid. It's almost like deathly afraid of rejection, of disappointment, of being let down one more time, of getting the message one more time in your life that you're too much. I take all of that very seriously and it's very important. I sincerely have so much compassion for the difficulty around that and the pain. I think it's important to also hold the pain and to also see that patterns like this, if they continue, they're going to create those kind of relationship dynamics in your current family that you're growing that may be harmful to you and your relationship. So it might be a sign that you need some support to get more comfortable with this. I'm going to shift here to just some concrete tips on how to bring things up with one another that make it land easier, that help maybe prevent a little defensiveness coming up or threats. So again, how you ask matters more than what you're asking for nine times out of ten. When we're really overwhelmed, like past capacity, so for example if we've been stuffing things so long that then they come out sideways, it can often come out as, you never helped, ugh it's fine, I'll just do it myself, or explosions or whatever it is, or silent treatment like icing each other out. That's a sign that so much has gotten suppressed that it's gonna come out like an explosion or just like a really cold withdrawal. So these are signs that there's a lot that needs to be discussed or there's a lot that needs to be held with each other. And it's going to start with being regulated, not perfect wording. Now, before I get into more tips, I just want to say if you're in the thick of postpartum, it's not the time to have a heavy emotional load. This isn't the time to be crafting sentences and all this effort trying to regulate yourself. There's too much going on. And so in this really early acute phase, Honestly, I just recommend saying something like, hey, I can't make complete sentences, hold me, this is a lot. Or just tell me it's gonna be okay. Or I'm exhausted, remind me I'm not alone in this. Or just totally nonverbal curl into your partner's arms. So I do want to emphasize if you are in the acute postpartum stage, this is not time for more pressure of trying to figure out, okay, how do I articulate this? Etc, etc. This is just getting like survival needs, vital needs to know you're safe, you're loved, and you have support. I just want to make that clear before I move on. So when you're past that stage, you have a little bit more capacity. Healthy asking starts with being regulated yourself. It's not about perfect wording, actually. It's more about, I just try to be as authentic as possible in a calm way that's not in attack mode or just total shutdown mode? All right. And ask yourself, check in, what am I? needing right now. Sometimes it's hard to locate that. Sometimes it's like you think you need help with the dishes, but it's more than the dishes. It's like, want to know that you care. I want to know that you see that I'm struggling and you want to make things easier. Maybe you need more rest. Maybe you need reassurance. One of the biggest needs that I see during this time is being appreciated. Maybe you need more physical closeness and tenderness. Maybe you need more understanding. Okay? It could be anything. And then, you know, Are you expecting your partner to read your mind or can you just let them in? Really let them in and separate. I would say also don't go global into always, never's things like that. You never do this. You always do this. That's really, it's like a brick wall to a new opportunity with your partner. Can you let them in to what the need is with clarity, with kindness and as like a gesture to say, I want us to be closer in this. I want us to be together in this. so it doesn't feel like an attack. That could be a new opportunity so that it's not just, ⁓ it's just gonna go the way it's always gone. If you're assuming that from the start, it doesn't give an opportunity for a different kind of conversation. So stay in the present. Don't, again, like don't go global, don't go in like your past history all the time. Like, you know, sometimes you're gonna need to address things that have happened in the past, of course. But if you're just talking about needs right now, I'm feeling really depleted today and I could use such and such. or I'm noticing that these are too many appointments to deal with and I'd like you, I'd like to hand off some of this for you to take care of. Just something straightforward. Can you handle bedtime tonight so I can rest? I'm really at my breaking point. Invite collaboration. It's not about demanding like, hey, do this. It's like, look, I want us to be on the same page. I want us to be partners in this. if there's something too that you've needed, like let me know as well, right? You can assure, if your partner often gets defensive, you can say, look, this isn't a complaint, it's not a tack, reassure them first. I'm just trying to stay connected. I'm not asking you to fix this, I just need you to listen, things like that. I'm realizing I need a lot more reassurance these days. Can you reassure me about such and such? On a day-to-day basis, it really calms me and I would appreciate it. I'd like us to check in about how we're dividing things. I'm feeling stretched really thin. and when I'm feeling stressed, then it's not gonna be good, it's not gonna be good for our relationship, and I want us to have a really smooth, collaborative kind of dynamic between us, right? There's an invitation for things to be good for you guys as a couple, right? And rather than an attack. Now, this is important. If and when, because it'll happen, you don't get the reaction you want right away, be careful about just shutting down completely and believing that there's no point to the discussion. I see this all the time. This is one of the most common things I need to work through. So if we don't get the initial response we want, it goes to shut down. And this happens because it's too painful, we shut down because we want to protect ourselves from further rejection and disappointment. And it can often feel more protective, like it feels safer for us just to avoid or put our head in the sand or just let something go rather than continue addressing, hey, when you react this way, it bothers me, but it's scary to do that. Just be aware though that there's still an opportunity to continue a discussion even if you don't get the response initially that you like. You can also share that with your partner and keep the conversation going, okay? If something comes out in a way that you didn't mean to or something gets reactive, it's okay. You can just catch it and say, hey, that didn't come out high-man it. I don't wanna come across that way. Let's have a do-over with that. You've been having unmet needs for a long time. These are going to be ongoing conversations. It's not going to be one conversation, one and done. Okay. But the process of asking for needs from one another, reaching out to each other, letting each other in, it's going to strengthen the trust and the sense of bonds that you have over time. When things keep going under the rug, it hurts relationships and it doesn't give your partner an opportunity actually to meet some of the needs that you're longing for. So remember, you're not too much for having needs. Check the narratives around, like the negative narratives around having needs, asking for them, whether that's associated with weakness or being too much or being demanding. Think about what you want to model long-term for your children about leaning on one another and your family and asking for support is a skill. Like this is... This is something again that builds trust and relationships. It's a positive thing. Having needs is a totally natural thing, especially during this time. Okay. And it's built on receptivity, like on you guys being responsive with one another, not just like bare grin and burying it through. That's I'm assuming that's not how you want it to look with that kind of tension, like gritting teeth. Right. And finally, I just do want to acknowledge and normalize that you may not always get the reaction that you were hoping for, that you're longing for right away. Just keep in mind that a missed moment doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you asking, and it also doesn't mean the conversation is over. It doesn't mean that your partner doesn't have the capacity or interest to actually meet your needs. There might just be defensiveness coming up, or a perception that they're being attacked, or some discomfort around the request that may have to do more with them than you. And again, don't let that become another narrative of, ⁓ this will never work. This conversation is never gonna work. I should never ask. I should just keep it inside. Be careful about that because having a reaction that isn't what you hoped is not a sign that it's never possible to get your needs met or to move past something like that. It usually means there's defensiveness coming up, okay? And I see it very often with my clients that... this point when there's a response that's disappointing or defensive, it'll go to shut down and it becomes a missed opportunity. There's actually an opportunity to continue the conversation and say, seems like you're getting defensive or seems like something bothered you, but I really want to have this conversation and can we look at what's bothering both of us and actually we can care about both of our experiences and take turns sharing. It's not just one or the other. Okay. I encourage you and your partner to see the cost of what's going to happen if opportunities like that get missed every time there's a first sign of something that feels disappointing or like a threat. Now, again, I don't want to be dismissive about this. Usually the shutdown comes because we want to protect ourselves from rejection or disappointment, and it can certainly feel more protective to put our head in the sand or to avoid rather than continue to address what's happening, even how those conversations are happening. But I encourage you guys to stay curious, right? Is this about capacity in the moment that it's hard to be regulated? It's been a long day. Is it just maybe not the best timing? Is there a misunderstanding? Usually it's definitely misunderstanding happening. And if something comes out in an edgy way, in a hostile way that you didn't want, that you kind of immediately regret, you can say, hey, just catch it and say, that didn't come out how I meant it. Can I try again? Okay. And if there have been unmet needs and there's a backlog of unmet needs, this is not going to be solved in one conversation. This is not going to be resolved in one or two conversations. It's going to require an ongoing check-ins, ongoing experience of caring about one another's experiences and needs. And this will end up strengthening your relationship and building trust. Remember, you're not too much for having needs, and when you hear needs from your partner, it doesn't mean that you're not enough, okay? You guys are human, and you're trying to navigate things together. It's more about how you show up for each other rather than the concrete things you're talking about sometimes. These are relational skills that if you build as a couple, they're going to be easier to model for your children as they grow up, okay? And healthy relationships are going to be built on how do we depend on one another, how can we be responsive to each other? It's really important. Click on the link below. to my freebie video training, which is a hack on making communication much easier after kids come. It's just a few steps. I'm here for you and your family. See you next week. Bye.