Evie Mpras: you Hey, welcome mamas. I want to get into today's silent treatment loops that couples can get into sometimes and often, whether it's like a subtle, ooh, we're touching around each other or something got said that ruffled feathers, we're being quieter, we're avoiding each other and it's tense. To blow ups where silent treatments can become weaponized or acts of rejection or shutting each other out in a more hostile way. And either way, whether that's showing up in a kind of simmering way or a subtle way, or it's a blow up, it's a really lonely place to be in. It can feel hostile. It can feel cold. And especially in the tender, very tender and fragile time of parenthood and like early postpartum. And even just as you're adjusting in those first years where you're so drained. There's a child needs you constantly or a job or the house or routines so much as tugging at you and it's hard to have your own reserves. So you need lots of support and comfort at this time and closeness. I we always need closeness, but I do feel like in this adjustment to early parenthood, it's truly a time where the parents also need a lot of support from one another. And you know, it can just feel almost I don't know if that sounds like a strong word to you, but I feel like I seeing one another out staying silenced, it's very, very cold and almost subtly cruel. Not intentionally. I don't mean that as like a criticism of anyone who's doing that. Actually, we're going to get into today why that's happening, what kind of like attachment fears are getting really triggered for that to be happening. But yeah, it does feel awful, doesn't it? like when you're walking through the house or you're around each other and it's just doesn't feel comfortable at all to be near each other to even speak a few words. Now today I'm not going to share a do this, say this, do that kind of thing because those instructions honestly are going to fall flat and those suggestions will just fall flat when the underlying emotions and fear thoughts aren't being addressed. So today I want to get into to check in with yourselves, you, your partner, and each other about what's going on under the surface to break that ice, to make it easier to communicate and let each other in. So look, again, silent treatment is going to happen. It does happen like most couples sometimes, but in the postpartum stage or in stages where you're still adjusting with young children and it's very consuming, there's an over-stimulation. am certainly living that. my day-to-day life with my two-year-old. It's almost an overload for your nervous system, you're still sleep deprived, still adjusting to the intensity of how consuming these caregiving responsibilities are. Even amidst all the joy, there's still lot of load, emotional load, routine, and house responsibilities, etc. you know, sometimes defenses and these behaviors like silent treatments, sometimes they can be about punishment and it can also be emotional flooding that something it just all feels too much. And there is a fear and like a big trepidation of God, I don't even want to say another word. I don't even want to address this. It's going to make things worse. And I can't even handle what's going on right now, let alone getting into a whole big discussion. I bet that resonates for a lot of you. I hear this all the time. I'm already exhausted. I'm already depleted. I'm not going to press a button that's going to bring up like another argument where we feel stuck dead end. And so sometimes avoidance too and still being mad, but avoiding is going to be like, look like the silent treatment and shutting each other out. No. We've got to look at the silent treatment as like not just, ⁓ that's crappy behavior, but also it's a signal to something. It's a shutting down that's like, I don't feel safe. I don't feel comfortable emotionally to engage, to talk, to let you in, to try to get lit into what you're thinking and feeling because something on some level feels threatening. And I mean, emotionally threatening. Okay. where it's like, am I going to get criticized? Am I going to get rejected? Am I going to be told once again that I'm not doing what I should be doing? And I just feel like crap. Am I going to be feeling like a bad parent after this conversation? Especially after you have repeat instances where some conversations don't go well and it just gets to a dark, disconnected place, there's going to be more trepidation, more silence, using silence as a way to just say, yep, I'm not doing this. This does not feel okay. And while I'm not saying that this behavior is helpful, I think it's really important to be compassionate to yourselves and each other about why this is happening. What's going on under the surface, right? Like if we take the shutting down silence as a behavior, fine, it's a behavior that's not helpful. Yeah, but what's under that? What's going on for you as individuals and also in your dynamic, like in the dance that you guys are getting into and your experiences with one another? where coming towards each other does not feel comfortable. There's often at this stage of life, I mean, it might be something else, but what I hear a lot from the hundreds of couples I work with is anger about feeling lonely, frustration because there's a longing for closeness to be acknowledged, to be appreciated. This comes up so much. And there's a disappointment around not having that closeness, being acknowledged, being appreciated. Like anger about... I would say a partner not taking accountability, that often bring up silent treatment like, hey, I'm trying to get you to see that I need more help here or I don't like how you spoke to me or anything that is, I don't want to use the word complaint, but just like to address an issue that's bothering a partner, the other partner might take it as just an unfair criticism and shut down. And then there's going to be anger of like, can you please like listen and take accountability for something here? And then like an experience of, I just insignificant to you? Right? Like when you ignore, when you avoid or when you're dismissive or whatever it is, I just feel insignificant, fine. Then it's safer for me just to go out to my own island than to keep getting rejected here. Cause that's what it feels like. again, often big messages, even if you're not aware of it, I mean, I would say it will be good. to check in with yourself in these kind of moments or reflecting on times where there's been silent treatment of, are you scared you're gonna get rejected? Are you scared that you're gonna be criticized or seen as not enough, not competent, not a good parent, not a good spouse? That your needs are too much for your partner? Or fear of like an intimidation almost or a fear of reactivity, getting lashed out at, I'm not talking about violence, I just mean, know, like lashing out in anger. or getting iced out. Like there might also be like, hey, I've gotten iced out so many times I'm not even gonna going to try. So really important to start looking at, okay, this is a behavior, even just naming it together, like after the heat goes down, after things thaw, I'll put it that way, right? After things thaw, it can be really helpful, because in the heat of the moment or when things are that ice cold, like that might not be the time for the most productive discussions. But if you guys can start analyzing again on your own and together, This is a behavior, a sound treatment is a behavior, almost like a shield. So what is it protecting us from, right? When there's kind of like a turn of the shoulder and I'm fine, fine, you know, and that coldness like what, okay, fine. And that's a behavior, that's how you're dealing with each other. But what are the fear thoughts? What are the attachment thoughts? What are you anticipating you're gonna experience? And you're assuming you're gonna experience with your partner where it feels safer to have that behavior. rather than letting each other in and being really, really aware of that. Once you become aware of, hear from your partner, they're afraid of this. Let's say they're anticipating judgment and criticism, or my partner's anticipating that I'm going to just walk away from them and it feels like a rejection, or my partner's anticipating that I'm just going to reject whatever they're saying or be dismissive. So if you start hearing things like that from your partner when you guys can like lay this all out together, well, okay, how do I want my partner to feel in these conversations? And what can I do to make that a little more comfortable? If you want to start a podcast or grow your existing one, Juliana Barbati and her team have you covered. They handle the entire process from building episode funnels to production and marketing, so you can focus on reaching your audience. Visit JulianaBarBody.com and let them know I sent you. they need to be reassured. Hey, I know that you've experienced a lot of criticism from me. I want you to know I'm not trying to criticize right now. I love you, appreciate you. And I do want to tell you about something that bothered me. This isn't an attack, but I just want to talk about this. So it's almost like catching the assumption, reality testing the assumption before that can get activated. You guys can help each other with that when you know what kind of soft spots. the other has or the wounds around certain things, right? Like if your partner, if your spouse was, you know, growing up with parents who were like, ⁓ God, you're so emotional, you're so this or so that, and was received as very tiring, exhausting from parents, well, that might get touched with you, right? And so you might need to say, hey, I want to hear everything you have to say, you're not too much for me, I always want to be here for you. It's okay to tell me what you're thinking. Please don't assume, you know, that I'm just gonna shut down or see you in this way. I don't see you that way. So little reassurances to take some of that temperature down. Also, can you express needs without it sounding like an attack? Sometimes a silent treatment comes because your partner's reacting to something that might just sound, again, aggressive or intimidating, not intentionally. And you should certainly, I am never gonna be like advocating for tiptoeing around things. or trying to use like modifying language like a little bit and I guess, no, we need to be honest and authentic with ourselves, with each other about what's going on. Absolutely. It's just, yes, tone matters. It really does matter. It does create and foster like a more comfortable space for you guys to be talking. And again, how can I listen without getting instantly defensive, reactive, either lashing out, shutting down, icing out? How can I listen? Right? So it's an individual accountability. And it's also like, how can I take care of my partner? How can I manage some of my own immediate reactions that might be going silent shutdown? And also how can I make it more comfortable for my partner based on what they're telling me? So I want to distill this into behavior, body, fear, thought, right? The behavior is silence that we're talking about today at least, like silence, icing out, avoiding. That's a behavior. If we start calling that as, okay, that's a behavior. What is that protecting me from identifying it as a protection of something which has a cost, right? I'm sure this is like not a fun pattern to get into. It leads to lot of disconnection and sometimes it can take a while before things thaw. And even when things are thawed, it's like there's still things under the surface that aren't getting addressed, right? So anyway, calling out behavior as a protection, that's not helpful. And then seeing what's going on in your body, like what are you noticing in your body, the tension, right? Maybe your eyebrows are fraying, maybe your shoulders are tight and up, maybe like your legs are kicking back and forth, maybe your hands are clenched. Like something is tight and or clammy or like maybe some nausea, that's a lot of anxiety coming up. And then what fear thoughts, like start identifying them. ⁓ like either assumptions that you're making about your partner or without giving them an opportunity in the moment. or letting them into what you need, right? Or having fear thoughts like, I'm scared I'm gonna be alone in all of this. I'm scared that you're gonna be disappointed in me. I'm scared that you're gonna reject me. Sometimes just naming it out loud is so empowering for a couple because when you name something out loud, a pattern that's happening, when you can say, okay, this is a behavior we're getting into. this is what's happening, these are the fear thoughts that are coming up. You start to be in control, you guys are in control, observing it, looking at it rather than the anxiety being in control of you, this reactivity being in control of you, you guys are in charge, okay? So what is this silence protecting? What's going on for us inside? What are the panic thoughts, the fear thoughts? What are the assumptions? And when you start naming that, well, you're gonna have an upper hand again in, in these scenarios. Again, maybe that might be hard in the moment. If you can catch that in the moment, that's great capacity. Sometimes that's really hard and it's like, you're going to come back to each other after a little thawing and say, can we take a look at what happened there? And the more you do that and you're really aware of what's going on and what you're protecting yourselves from with each other, the easier it'll be to catch over time. And so practicing this can be important and being on the same page about like, we got to catch this. Instead of blaming each other like, you're doing this, I'm doing this, we are doing something. We are both fostering in some way a dynamic where it's really hard to talk to each other. So you could say something like letting each other know what's going on. When I go quiet, I feel like I'm failing. I feel like I'm a bad parent. I get overwhelmed, but I don't want to be distant from you. actually want to feel close. I want to feel reassured, right? So being able to start naming what's going on with your behavior, what it's protecting you from and actually what you want, right? It's going to soften you guys. It's going to be soothing. And the thing is like, this is what like Bonds After Baby is all about. This is not for you to be doing on your own. Yes, everybody has an accountability to manage reactivity and to be in tune. Yes. But when we're in relationships, we can also help each other with that. And at this time, when there's so much pressures on you guys as parents and pressures from work or whatever is going on in your lives, there's always pressures. Like, don't you want, you know, to be a haven for each other, right? So that you guys can be each other's shelter and home and comfort amidst what you're dealing with and just, again, like foster a warm climate at home. Okay. So. being able to name all of this with each other, name this behavior, call it out, not in a mean way, but like in a, we're getting into this again of like, it's getting icy, even making jokes about it. ⁓ it's getting cold. I'm shivering here with you. We don't wanna shiver here together. I know it probably sounds cheesy, but just whatever works for you guys. Humor can help diffuse too and say what is going on under these protections, okay? What's going on under the shields? What's going on under the dense piece of ice here between us? What are you afraid of? What am I afraid of? And how can we help each other be less afraid? When you guys can give each other that soothing, it's gonna reduce resentment in your relationship. And it does protect against symptoms of anxiety, adjustment distress. depression, hopeless thoughts, you guys can actually really offer each other a way to soothe your nervous systems, your bodies, your hearts. So if you want to bring this into a routine to get more comfortable with this, you could check in. Again, I don't know if you've heard in other episodes, I don't really like kind of these like homework assignment-y type things because I remember what this time was like. I've had two kids and... there is no schedule, there's no routine in the beginning. And I think sometimes it feels like one more thing to do. And it can be another pressure of like, we gotta be a good spouse. We have to be good couple, you know? And I don't want any of that pressure on anybody. I think it's more like, hey, can we catch this? Can we relate to this? If it helps you guys, if you like the idea of bringing that into a routine and it doesn't feel like a pressure, go ahead and say like, hey, put in something in the calendar once a week and check in, you know, did this happen this week for you? Did you avoid, did you like turn away? Did we notice any like coldness or distance, silent, know, like silencing each other out? And if you did, you know, having some curiosity about it. And again, it's like flexing a muscle over time together that will get easier and bring a lot of closeness, right? And this is a time when you guys deserve deep connection. What I'm talking about today requires emotional regulation. And so, Next week, I'm going to get into more details about how to emotionally regulate and give some very concrete tips and visuals that are going to make this a lot easier for you and your partner and anyone you want to listen to. And remember, when everyone's able to regulate a bit better, it's going to be easier to connect. So stay tuned for next week for that episode. Click on the link in my show notes to book a transformative coaching session with me. If you notice that conversations like this are hard and it's hard to get past the defensiveness or regulation, I'll help you and your partner identify what patterns are leading to stuckness and frustration. And we can develop a roadmap for you to find a different way together that's going to bring relief, closeness, peace, and create a calmer, loving climate for your child to grow up in. I'm here for you and your family. See you next week. Bye. ⁓ you