Evie Mpras: you Hey, welcome mamas. Today we're going to get into mom rage when you're seething inside over anything and everything like a simmering boiling pot. Pretty distressing as you try to make it through the day or you get triggered. unexpectedly and super reactive in a way that feels surprising. You might say something, an outburst just coming out of you towards your infant or your child or your partner or your mom. And then there may be remorse or feeling badly about yourself when it happens. Sometimes I hear from moms that it can feel satisfying in the moment, like a satisfying discharge because so much is unsaid and being suppressed inside, so it can give a short-term satisfying feeling. And it can show up in any of these scenarios. Mom rage can look like any of this. But it's pretty distressing because even if there is a short-term satisfaction, long-term, it's not fun to be seething and it's not fun to see the impact that we can make on others when it comes out. saying that really quickly before I get into what I'm going to get into in the podcast to help, I want to say give yourself grace because this is a huge adjustment becoming a parent or whether it's your second or third or fourth child. It's always an adjustment. Everybody's readjusting in our contemporary society. There isn't enough support for moms and families. And so it's a lot of pressure and it's also hard to adjust in our relationships, right? To have the emotional availability. to know or have the comfort of how to ask for what we need, to trust that our partners or people around us are going to be responsive to our needs. And so there's so much here that's fraught. So I hope any of you listening here that have experienced this or not, you know, don't be hard on yourself. Just know that it's actually a really important signal, a signal where you need to tend to something in yourself and also likely with your partner or someone in your life. And something is happening in the family dynamic day to day that's just not working. So again, actually, think people can sometimes, professionals can sometimes over focus or see this as a mom issue. Remember, I'm here to share that nothing is just an individual issue. Everything here that we talk about is a family issue. This is not a mom thing. This is not a you thing. It's a we thing. What is happening in your family system that is leading to this kind of dysregulation? I'm not saying that we're not accountable for our behaviors in any way, but usually there is something going on reciprocally, like a loop that's going on in our partnership and our family dynamics. That's not working. That's not healthy. So this can be a really helpful signal that something isn't right and something needs tending to. Look. It's quite common. see this so much in my years of work with moms and couples. And actually I've seen this be an opening and a way into more opportunities for your relationship, for closeness and for repair in this big adjustment. Our loved ones don't always know how to express their concern or protectiveness. they don't always know what we need to hear as moms. And we moms don't always know how to spell out what we need or what we're looking for, or we may be scared that if we do express needs, they will be rejected or there will be a reaction that's hurtful. So sometimes there's this avoidance around actually addressing things for many reasons. And when things don't get addressed, it's going to go into a lot of suppression. It's going to come out sideways like mom rage. So let's just like briefly go over what this can look like. Again, sudden explosive volcanic anger that is not really in line with maybe what's happening in the moment, that it seems almost disproportionate or something that's confusing maybe to someone else like, well, where did that come from? You might even surprise yourself. There can be kind of regular snapping at your partner or your kids and then immediately like, ⁓ no, why did I do that? I didn't want to say that or ooh, but not really having the ability to stop yourself and it kind of happens a lot. A big one is feeling edgy, just overwhelmed, your body's constantly tense, embracing. I've worked with lot of moms that aren't even aware about what's happening in their bodies, that there's so much tension and that even their fists might be clenched a lot or their jaw might be clenched, their chest might feel tight. And then inside could be having a lot of intrusive thoughts, angry thoughts that you would never act on. but they're kind of like rinse repeat, rinse repeat, rinse repeat in your mind in a way that can be disturbing or surprising to you. What is this? So this is not actually anger. We call it mom rager anger, but it's something different. It's actually a reaction to anxiety. So when you're at a tipping point, you're exhausted, maybe you're not getting the gratitude or the appreciation or just being seen for everything you're doing, how you're showing up for your child or children and your partner in the house and everything and not being seen for that, there's going to be feelings about that, right? There might be feelings about the change and things you miss from before children, things you miss in general that have been lost in this transition, having to be so strong, so available, so giving when your needs aren't getting met, right? There's going to be a lot of feelings about this. You know, there's obviously love for your family. There might also be grief around all the changes. There might be anger as a feeling towards people in your life that aren't showing up in the way that you wish they would show up. And when there are these mixed feelings, anxiety is going to shoot up, you know, on top, by the way, right? On top of being exhausted, depleted, you know, you're not getting enough sleep. Who knows if you're eating enough and it's too much. And so the capacity gets really, really thin to be able to tolerate all of this, which is natural. then anxiety is going to come up. remember anxiety is not a feeling. Anxiety is when feelings are getting suppressed and they're not getting felt or experienced or shared. So anxiety shoots up and then it's reactivity. So mom rage is actually reactivity, intrusive thoughts. This is the way that we're managing anxiety. It's not our actual feeling. So we need to make the distinction between the behaviors that are coming out, intrusive thoughts, snipping, yelling, ruminating on things over and over. Those are like reactions. Those are ways of dealing with anxiety because tuning into ourselves. and someone else tuning in to us is not happening enough. So again, this reactivity is like a signal. This is not a reflection on your character. It's a signal that something is off. If you want to start a podcast or grow your existing one, Juliana Barbati and her team have you covered. They handle the entire process from building episode funnels to production and marketing, so you can focus on reaching your audience. Visit julianabarbati.com and let them know I sent you. So we have to see what's happening under that reactivity and anxiety. What are the root emotions? So underneath reactivity and rage, reactivity and intrusive thoughts and that simmering, ruminating over and over on thoughts are usually core feelings that are blocked. If you've listened to some of my other episodes, you'll know that I know I'm gonna make some therapist's mouth that are listening to this, but I hate the emotions wheel. I wanna throw it out the window every time I see it. It's mixed with thoughts and defenses and they're not core feelings on that wheel, so ignore that. Feelings are either sadness, grief, love, pride, surprise, disgust. These are core feelings, anger. And so again, there might be sadness and grief over the loss of your independence and a sense of freedom. a loss of support in this new stage where you need more support and you're not getting it. A love and longing in your love for intimacy and just being overwhelmed with the love that's coming up towards your child, protectiveness can be so great and so profound. And anger towards other people that are not showing up in the way that you really need them to. So if All of that is gonna get mixed and suppressed. And if it's uncomfortable to have a mix of anger and love for your child, for your partner, for your mother, whoever it is, people in your life, well, if that message is running on a loop, no, you shouldn't be feeling this. You should only be feeling love and nothing else. Only gratitude, only love. Well, that's gonna make it worse. Okay, that's actually gonna prime you for more and more reactivity because it's like telling your body and. brain and heart, don't feel this, it's like saying deny your humanity in this moment where God we're so raw and vulnerable and actually all of our humanity is getting touched in such dramatic profound ways in the stage of motherhood, right? So if all of this is getting suppressed and we're like no we just need to prioritize everybody else's needs and stay grateful and nice quote-unquote right and just keep moving well that's gonna be a pressure system. And actually, what we call mom rage is not actually the feelings of anger that are there, but it's the like a pressure valve. Poof. I'm suppressing so much poof. ⁓ it's going to come out sideways. It's going to come out as aggression. It's going to come out as snippiness, right? And it's going to be amplified when again, hey, we're dealing with hormonal shifts. We're dealing with, we haven't slept. Everybody seems to meet us so intensely, right? It's chaos. There's no routine. And we just don't have, again, space to ourselves to breathe and support. Right. Please remember, I talk about this a lot, but the way we are raising children in contemporary society is not the way we were meant to raise them. We were meant to be in groups of many people, many relatives and friends sharing responsibilities and having a lot of support. That's not, we're too much on our own right now. So that makes it harder. When this rage is coming out, it's almost like it's a block from actually just tuning in and feeling. authentically what we are really sitting with. What is uncomfortable? Something's really uncomfortable to sit with when there's mom rage. Either feelings towards our own experience, towards our children, towards our partner. Remember, if you're going to keep suppressing it, it's just going to keep getting worse. It's maintaining that anxiety boiling pot where it's just simmering, simmering, simmering. You're going to have more physical tension and actually the body can just get in a fight or flight state. of panic. Imagine if there's water behind a dam and the water's trying to just burst, burst, burst. Eventually the dam's gonna just go, well the rage, the reactivity, the snapping or withdrawing or the resentment or jaw tension, body tension, stomach pain, all of that is like the, right? It's that tension of the water behind the dam. Something needs to be released. Unfortunately, what I see so many moms suffer with is already this is suffering. mean already sitting with all these repressed emotions and the anxiety around it and the reactivity and the tightness is already like I call it a medieval torture device. You're just sitting in something that's torturing you, right? But then something that makes it worse is then when there's a self-attack and it's so sad when I sit with moms and I see this and I remember going through this with both children actually in certain moments with the second one it was better but There are moments where it's hard to sit with our feelings and it goes to, something's wrong with me. Why can't I handle this? Why am I so reactive? I should be able to be calm and just have composure all the time. I remember once it was after my first and I went to a park. I just wanted to get outside a little bit. I had my baby in the baby carrier and I was just feeling so on edge and yeah, unsettled and I saw this mom next to me and she had these three kids and they were playing and she looked so serene and peaceful, so grounded. immediately I just thought, God, why can't I be like that? What's wrong with me? This is the way to be. I should just be grateful and happy and here's my baby. And God, just, it makes it even worse. And actually it doesn't help anything. I ask moms a lot, is this useful for you? Is this helpful? And they say, well, I gotta stay accountable as if staying accountable means we have to attack ourselves to stay accountable. ⁓ that's not true. Actually, it makes it harder to stay accountable to be able to change behaviors that we want to change or to help ourselves do that because we're just getting knocked down. just makes you feel, you know, when you feel down, that's not the energy that actually gets us in a productive, helpful state of, okay, what do I need here in a regulated state of. What's going on for me? What do I need to be able to show up better for myself? Right? You're not going to be in that place. You're going to be in a dark place, in a solitary place. It also makes it much, much harder when you're in like a shame cycle. When you have the reactivity, go in a shame cycle, it's more suppression. Actually it leads to suppressing even more and then lashing out more. So it's going to keep that system going, that internal cycle, right? Lashing out, shame for lashing out. ⁓ then I better suppress more, all my feelings. that's not gonna work and it's gonna keep coming out sideways. So I wanna talk a little bit about what you can do as a mom to find some relief in this cycle and what your partner can do. And when I talk about what your partner can do, this can either be if you wanna bring your partner in to listen to this, this could also be another adult in your life, this could be your mom or just anybody who's a support system in your life this can apply to. And whether they listen or not, if they don't listen, these can also be things that you ask for from them. So for you listening, this is an opportunity to slow down and turn inward. What am I actually feeling under the anxiety? Notice what's going on physically for you. Where's the tension? Is your jaw tense? Is your brow furrowed? Are your arms clenched? Are your feet like going side to side? If anxiety is really high, might feel actually even little nauseous or butterflies in your stomach. Your head might feel zoomy. That's a lot of anxiety if you're feeling that. So when you start to get aware and just go into observing mode, almost like you're a scientist, it's almost like you step out of the spiral and you're like a scientist observing in a lab coat. What's going on in my body? What are the thoughts racing through my mind? That in itself can help calm. And if you focus on just core feelings, really core feelings. If you're feeling lonely, maybe you're angry at someone for not coming more closely to you, for not making you feel less alone and showing up in a certain way. If you are exhausted, I wonder again if there's some anger depleted about not getting the help that you really want or need. If you're upset about not being validated or appreciated, I know this sounds repetitive, but I want to share just some examples. These are really common examples where there might be anger at someone, at your partner, someone, people in your life not saying, I see how much you're doing. I'm here for you. I think it's amazing how you are with the baby. You guys look so beautiful together cuddling. I know, you know, how much you've put into feeding or whatever it is or tuning into how to. Sue the baby, whatever it is, to really be seen. Also, now, this is a tricky one. This is one that's really hard for moms to hear. And remember, feelings are different than behavior, but moms often have mixed feelings towards their children. And then there's this thing of like, what? I'm only supposed to feel love and protectiveness and this baby's relying on me. And it feels like a threat actually to women. And there's a lot of guilt, massive guilt when this happens. This can lead to lot of repression and then mom rage sometimes, which is normal sometimes. Again, I'm not talking about behaviors. I'm not talking about ever like lashing out of the baby or, you I'm not saying that that's, we're trying to say that's okay, but the feelings themselves of being irritated. If our baby's waking us up constantly, there's probably going to be irritation. doesn't even have to be logical. Of course, the baby is going to be waking up. That's logical, but we're going to be irritated and we might be irritated at our partner sleeping and snoring next to us while we're waking up, right? That kind of irritation is normal. It doesn't mean it doesn't coexist with massive love. But remember, love and anger, irritation can coexist. We can love our baby and still grieve the independence that we used to have in the freedom. And they're not at odds. Really listen to this. This is going to be really helpful. I've seen this give so much relief to so many moms in my office. When you can accept that it's completely natural to have mixed feelings towards those we love, a lot of that pressure can release, this is normal, it's okay. And maybe we need help. Maybe we need acknowledgement of that from others as well. Allow yourself to need help. Again, something I see so often is moms who wanna feel like, no, I got this, I don't wanna ask, I wanna be resilient. that being a good mom means they can handle everything. This is not natural. These are like societal expectations on us that are not realistic expectations of moms and families. So if you notice that there are blocks for you in asking for help, needing help, acknowledging that you want help, expressing your needs and knowing you have a right to ask for your needs to be met, that's going to be a barrier to your own inner peace. And you might need help through therapy. I'm going to be releasing coaching program soon, you can reach out to me too if you want some one-on-one or to sign up for future programs coming up, I help with this. Rage often points to what's unspoken, right? What is getting unspoken? It could be resentment, unmet needs, what always comes up is division of labor and balances and responsibilities. And so knowing that you have a right to feel your feelings, that you have every right that they are natural can bring a lot of calm and Knowing that you have every right to ask, I'm overwhelmed. I need help in this area. So partners or other adults need to help moms with this. This is not something moms should be dealing with on their own. Okay. So whether you're a partner listening or you're a mom who could communicate this to a partner, another adult, this is what can be helpful. Take the reactivity as a signal, not as an attack, even though, yes, it feels like an attack, but if you take it as a signal, you can respond with. curiosity. Hey, you seem really rattled. What's going on inside? Something feels really hard. That's okay. Can you let me into what's going on? Alright, often partners want a problem solve. That is not what moms usually need right away. They want to know you're in it with them. But first show up with curiosity and validation. Can you help me understand? Can you let me know something feels really heavy? Can you describe to me what this is like for you? Again, I know it sounds so counterintuitive to partners usually, but it's so much more helpful to just be present in that way rather than to go into, okay, what do we need to do? That almost feels can land as dismissive to moms. Reassuring moms, hey, you're not too much. Don't be hard on yourself. This is really hard. I want to help you. I want to show up. This has just been too heavy for you. You're going through. a world of adjustments. You might even say, know it's uncomfortable for you to come to me sometimes and ask me, but please do, and I'm gonna get more. Check in so that it doesn't always have to be an effort on mom's part. Moms need to feel like their struggle is being seen. And when you check in regularly, you're showing, hey, I'm aware that you're going through a lot. Also know that your nervous system is gonna affect mom's nervous system. So if... mom's sharing something with you or you know, moms if I'm talking to you or your partners aren't here, if you're sharing something, if someone else is able to stay calm, maybe not right away, but to get to a calmer place, that's also going to help you become so it's almost like a contagion between partners where if one is like super anxious, you can actually get co-regulated from a partner if they bring you know, kind of grounded presence. This is something we do for our kids. Our kids borrow our regulation as well. That's how they learn to self-regulate. But we could do that for each other as adults as well. And that's going to help a mom's nervous system feel calmer and safer. And the reactivity is going to deescalate much faster. So listen here, these are things to avoid. Try not to get defensive. It's not going to help. You may have things that you want to share and that you're upset about and that's fine, but It may not be the time, especially in the acute postpartum time right after birth, and it may be for another moment and you're gonna have to choose, like, is this the moment for this or can I table this? Lecturing or dismissing, trying to rationalize, like, well, we should just be grateful or if you just see the bright side of things or at least such and such, no, no, no, no, no. that is gonna actually feed into the self-attack that moms go through and that's gonna feed into, I think, the shame and suppressing spiral for moms. So sometimes for you moms, when you're asking for what you need, you can say, hey, I know you wanna be helpful, but right now what I really need is just for you to be curious, to listen and to try to understand and not to rationalize away what I'm feeling. Cause sometimes that comes from just trying to rescue you from your feelings, but that's not helpful. I don't need to be rescued from my feelings. I actually need you to just sit in my feelings with me and help me feel like I'm not alone here, okay? And physically slow down your voice, relax your body, right? Make eye contact, okay? And validate, validate, validate. I can see how overwhelming this is. All these feelings make sense, et cetera. It doesn't mean you have to agree with everything, it just means you understand. And continue to get curious about what's going underneath the reactivity. The reactivity is a signal that something's off. or that something's over capacity. So just tuning in, being curious and checking in without being asked, try to anticipate needs and checking in what would be most supportive. One really powerful statement is you don't have to be strong with me. You don't have to hold it all together with me. And I've seen these beautiful moments, let me tell you, in my sessions with couples where a partner will say that to mom and she will just let go. I mean, your whole body will go almost limp and she will just cry and be comforted. And it is an incredibly restorative experience for her individually and for a couple. So I'd actually like to just end on that lovely note. Be with yourself, be with each other in the feelings that are under the anxiety. Feelings are natural, they're your humanity. And so the more we tune into those feelings, the more the anxiety will decrease and the reactivity will decrease. And this happens much faster when we have a partner or another adult who can respond with validation, curiosity, who normalizes and reassures. And that is gonna be regulating so much faster. That is why I'm here trying to share with everybody. Please look at the connections that you have. Tend to your connections, your relationships, because relief will come through healthy relationships much faster. And if we go at things trying to figure everything out by ourselves, these are family matters. These are relationships. It's not all on you. Subscribe to my podcast. You can get notified when there's a new episode and click on the link below. If you want to reach out for more help from me through my coaching offerings, I'm here for you and your family. See you next week. Goodbye. you ⁓