Brianne6gm: Hello rig babes and welcome back to another episode on the Go Regulate Yourself podcast. My name is Brianne. I am your host, and today mmm, today is today's late. Today's episode is a late one. Normally these episodes go up at 6 a.m. Mountain Standard Time on Wednesday. And I'm currently recording this at 11:30 a.m. Mountain Standard Time. So here we are. Okay. First of all, I'm sorry. One of the things that I do pride myself on, or at least try to pride myself on, is consistency. And I love showing up here to the podcast every single week, recording what's going on. We have missed very far and few between episodes since we began this almost almost to the day two years ago. And yeah, usually it's really easy for me to show up and record or be ahead of schedule and plan for life's moments when things happen. And this week was not one of those weeks. Let me tell you what, we're gonna get into it. But this week was messy and chaotic and a challenge and I might cry a little today. We'll see what happens. this is a shit week, okay? But we're finding the silver lining, we're finding the good things, we're gonna talk about it all and what I've realized, what I've been processing, all of that great stuff. So to walk it back a little bit, we are at the end of September. And if you've been following the podcast for a while, you've been on social media, you know that we had a very huge in-person event happening here in Edmonton, Alberta, with four guest speakers, two international speakers coming on stage to talk about all the things. We're having a a conversation on shame and overcoming that. And everything was in motion. I mean I've been working hard on this event for months and months. We have a great audience coming, incredible sponsors, really awesome things happening. And up until a week ago, it felt like everything was ready to roll. And although life was busy and chaotic and I can tell that I did have a lot of stress going on underneath the surface. It felt like all good things, right? All good stress. We know when we're in those moments, you know, like if you're prepping for a wedding or you have like this really big life thing, like graduation, et cetera, that's occurring for you. There might be a lot of stress involved, but nine times out of ten, it feels like good stress, right? It is it's good things that are happening. And it might be overwhelming in the moment, but there's something really cool being birthed out of it. And so that's what it felt like to me in preparation of this event, or so I thought, in relation to the creation of everything. And moving forward to this past weekend, we had a really unfortunate circumstance transpire that was completely unexpected and totally out of the control of anybody involved in the event. And led us, led me to having to make some really big, difficult, hard decisions at the very last moment. And so basically the situation that arose was one of our international speakers had some legal issues in relation to being able to enter Canada. Things that we knew were part of this planning in in relation to her coming for the event and being able to speak. And I'm not gonna share that side of the story in depth and detail because I do wanna have her on the podcast here in the coming weeks to talk about this process. But long story short, her attorney failed her in a really big way. And we were informed at the very last minute that, hey, paperwork actually wasn't filed, and there's no possible way for you to basically get across the border in time for this event. So now we're less than a week away. This happened on this past weekend, that I'm I'm being told that one of my most important pieces of this event, one of my core speakers. Is not going to be able to attend. And instantly I was kind of put into a state of shock and frustration because I can't simply just carry on this event or restructure it in a little bit of a way to make this work without one of the main components. I purposely designed this event and the topics that we're going into, the conversations that we're about to have to. complement one another, to go down different avenues in relation to the experiences of each of our speaker to talk about these core components of how shame can be formed in our journeys. And I had to take a moment, I'll be honest, I cried a lot of tears when I first got this news because I knew that something needed to change. And instantly the first thing that popped into my head was rescheduled. That's what my gut said. Reschedule, postpone the event, let's figure out a way to delay this so that we can have everybody be present. But ultimately, after shedding all those tears and and talking it through with my husband, who unfortunately was at work when I got the news, he wasn't even here, and I had to wait for him to get home from work. After talking it through with him, I realized this decision isn't just something that I and I alone can make. I have to involve some of the teams of people that are part of this event. And so I proceeded over the weekend to have conversations with each and every one of our speakers and talk to them about what was happening and did this make sense and is this where their gut is pulling them? And luckily I've chosen incredible people to hop onto the stage and outside of that to be part of this event from our volunteer to our staff to the security teams to the videographer that's involved in the event, literally everybody I had to reach out to and inform of this decision once it was made. But the speakers that I had an opportunity to sit down with before any decisions were actually decided, they all agreed that it's it's very important for us to stick to what this event is about, what the event was built for, what we're talking about in these conversations. And the whole concept of shame of not leaving somebody when they're down, of having their back, of having these really tough conversations and and supporting one another, even if challenges might arise because of that. And so ultimately I walked away with the decision of realizing that we had to postpone this event. And so my week this week has consisted of reaching out to all of the different parties, all of the people I mentioned and more, sponsors, et cetera, letting them know what is occurring and and why we've had to make this decision, including our ticket holders. Because now our event isn't just being delayed, you know, a week or a couple of days. We're delaying this event by months. We're moving it to May 7th, Friday, May 7th, 2027. So now there's a lot of time in between when the event was supposed to take place and when the event will actually take place to make sure we give enough time for these problems to be sorted out so that our speaker can join us. And There's big decisions that have to be made from everybody. Are some people gonna pull out and not wanna be part of this anymore? Do the dates potentially not work because we're completely shifting weekends? Like there's a lot of big decisions that have to be made. And so this week has been connection and cleanup mode for myself of making sure that nobody's left hanging and making sure that this is going to ultimately be the best for everybody involved. So that nobody is losing out, and everybody has an opportunity to either remain in the same position that they were and or continue forward with the new event date, knowing that everything's gonna transpire in an even more beautiful way. And so this week has just completely thrown me for a loop. All of the things that I anticipated doing are not happening the way that they were going to. And as a result, my body went through an enormous kind of breakdown, I guess you can say, over the last few days, where I felt very sick and stress has rose to the surface and I had almost like a flu move through me. And I had this mass of migraine yesterday that nearly took me out. And so I just not Have not been able to be in the space of recording an episode for you, which again I deeply apologize for, and it is in no way my intention to be inconsistent. We also missed our guest episode last Friday. But just all of these things that we're navigating at this time has just put a little bit of a quirk in my plans, or a wrench in my plans, if you will. And so in the Realization of this in the decision of all of this. Not only are things obviously changing with our event, and you're gonna hear a lot more about it in the coming months as we we restructure and we replan, but I actually had a really big awakening and birthing process take place for myself in amongst this. And it was really interesting to me. When I got this news from our speaker, because the first thing that I felt when I thought about postponing or rescheduling this event was a full-body sensation of relief. And that was really fucking confusing to me to feel because I have been so excited about this event and busting my ever-loving ass in the creation of. And I wondered why. I felt so free all of a sudden. And amongst the tears and amongst all the things I was feeling and and the lot of silence that I had to take, I had to do lots of meditation and journaling and sit in some bubble baths and not on my balcony and just stare off into the sky for a while to try to wrap my head around what was going on and what I was feeling, because it just didn't make any fucking sense. How could something that I'm creating that feels so good in so many ways, also feel like a burden. And so if I walk this back to kind of recollect where my thoughts are and how I've come to this awareness. Back in May, I started doing a lot of recordings of guest expert sessions and moving through all of these different modalities with different experts. That the plan was to release to a regbape's After Dark membership space. And when this event started to get going, and after having so many people in my energy space and pulling things up and working through so many things in such a deep degree, I had to take a pause and I had to put all of that onto a shelf, a metaphorical shelf, to pick back up once the event was over. And so when we started doing these guest expert sessions back in May. A lot of the people that I met with, I was talking about this event and how excited I was. And was the timing right? And did this sound like it was going to be successful? And a lot of the experts that I talked to, the modalities that they went through, things showed on paper that this was going to be a really prosperous time. The right time to do this, there was going to be something really big and beautiful that came out of the creation of it, was going to lead to a lot of success for me. And so in my mind, I correlated that with the event itself taking place at this time and being really financially abundant, leading to really big things. I listened on the podcast and downloads and all of this great stuff. And then when I did another astrology reading, I guess it was more of a tarot reading in August with someone here in Edmonton locally, the same thing came up. It's gonna be a really good spread, really good cards, all good things, leading to all of the success and and the riches that I wish to manifest and I wish to call into my life. But one of the big red flags that was noted in some of these sessions, andor also noted in this tarot reading in August was the danger. of white knuckling this, the danger of expecting it to be something in a very specific way, the danger of me putting too much pressure, too much control, too much expectation upon this event as being the thing. And so I thought I was pretty aware of this. I thought I was working through these things as I moved through, you know, the months of the event planning and preparations and all the things that I was doing. But underneath the surface, now being on the other side of the decision of postponing, I can recognize that there was a lot of shit I was ignoring. Things that were happening underneath the surface that I wasn't allowing myself to see. And a lot of stress in my body. I mean, my hormones have been completely out of whack these last few months, and it didn't really make a lot of sense to me, but now I understand because of how much cortisol was pumping through me, the stress hormone was pumping through my body. And so the thing that I recognized, and what I was ignoring this whole time, this big red flag, was the wound that I'm still carrying years later, after. This company crash. Years later, after all of the things that happened in terms of my career, my business, my success, my image in relation to all of this, there's a lot of that wound that's still present that I didn't even realize. I thought I had healed that. I thought I worked through that. I thought that was long gone. You know, I've been using my voice so much more and stepping out of my shadow in such a big way. But Truthfully, what I've realized is that I haven't really healed shit, or maybe I have. I have healed a lot, but I'm on that spiral staircase and there's this whole other thing that is present that I didn't even fucking realize. And what that is, is this validation that I've been seeking in terms of my worth being tied to something that I'm doing. Look at me, look at what I'm creating, look at this presence on stage, how professional it looks, and how people are going to respond to it and what they're gonna get out of it. Like, can you imagine how worthy I will be after this event takes place in the exact right way that I'm imagining it in my mind? And as a result of putting so much of my worth in the validation of this event, I was white-knuckling the Fuck out of it. I thought that I was relaxed and chill and laid back in the creation of it, but the truth is that I was choking the life out of this motherfucker, holding on so tight, expecting things to happen in a very specific way. And if you know anything about manifestation or the law of the universe, you will know that. Surrender is how we actually get what we want. When we are so consumed with the how, when is it going to arrive? And how is it going to arrive? And is it going to come in this very specific way? When we are obsessed with this, we ultimately push ourselves so far from the very things that we want. We create this massive division, this massive divide between us and the things that we most desire. We make it more complicated for that thing to arrive to us. Make it impossible in some ways for it to arrive to us. And so I realized that this very wound that I carried with this old company, the need to people please and make sure everybody else is happy and putting so much pressure on my shoulders for the results of others. I mean, hello. The very thing that I walked away from coaching because of, because I didn't want to be responsible for the results of other people, I just was eating that shit right up. I was putting that onto my plate like a motherfucking buffet and still trying to do these same things, same wound, different face. The same energy from the last company of needing my worth to be tied to this validation of how others see me and wanting to be liked and loved and appreciated. And my God, look at her. This need to be tied to all of that. I thought died with the last company. No, it fucking didn't. I took that. Energy, the things that I was doing before, maybe not to the same spectrum. And I applied it right to what I was now creating. And I can say that I do think that energy has shifted. It's not to the same degree in the ways that it was. Because before when I was doing this, before when I was carrying this energy, it had to get to such a rock bottom moment. That I lost everything, that the company crashed, and this cancel culture attempt of me happened, and I went into a bankruptcy. Like there was such a massive fall and breakdown that happened in the energy of what I was carrying before. But this time, it's just a postponement. And that postponement without a loss, that postponement without going in the hole, that postponement with all of this hope. An inspiration now of what can be. And so the relief that I felt in my body was an understanding of holy fuck, you did it again. Holy fuck, look at this pattern. Holy fuck, we have an opportunity to change this, to do things differently. And we have more months to quote unquote plan a clean slate to restart again. Even though this event is gonna be pretty much the exact same in relation to what we're creating, it's the same venue, same speaker, same time, same flow to the event. I now have months and months and months to step into the energy of the person that I want to be. The person that I want to be leading this event, the things that I want to create. I get to really play with that energy and figure out. How can I create this in a better way without white knuckling it, without tying my worth to this validation energy? I gotta have clean slate to try again. And I didn't get that with the last company. I had to hit rock bottom and lose fucking everything to realize the state that I was in and what I was pushing for I didn't want. Now I get to realize that I do want this, but I want this in a different way. I want this in a different energy. I want this in a sustainable way that I'm not shooting myself in the foot. And what a beautiful fucking gift that is. What a beautiful opportunity this is that the universe has granted me with. And so sure, I could sit here and I could feel all of the feels and continue to feel those feels that I already had. In relation to maybe some disappointment, some frustration, some anger, some sadness. I was really looking forward to connecting with all my people, the attendees. I could really allow that to consume me right now and swallow, you know, swallow my pride and and be embarrassed on social media. But I'm really choosing to honor the silver lining here of what can become possible now. I mean, some big silver linings is that it just so happened that this date I chose in September, pretty much none of my personal people were available for. My really close friends, you know, a lot of my family, things that, you know, people that I would want to have been a part of this event and been in the audience and been there to support me, they were unable to because of the date that I had chosen. And so now knowing that this date is in the future. A lot of my people are gonna be able to be there now. That's a huge silver lining for me. I announced to a couple of close people we haven't taken into social media. That's today's plan, so I'm sure you'll see the announcement coming out. We taken to to people in the in the back end to let people know what was happening. And some people in my life said, holy fuck, I can be a participant now. I can sponsor. I can get involved. I can do something for you for this event because these dates work a lot better. Mm-hmm. sponsors to staff to, like I said, our videographer, et cetera. They all have that new date open and have no problem flexing to the new date. Our venue, we had a clause in the contract that allows us to reschedule with no fees lost. I mean, there's a lot of really beautiful silver linings that are happening here and a clean slate that is providing me an opportunity to do this better in a better energy state and create something even more magical because of it. And for that I am so fucking grateful. And so in the last few days, other than recovering and letting my body do its thing as it processes all of the stress and obviously doing the cleanup of the postponement and rescheduling, I have also been able to sit down with myself and do some forgiveness practices to be able to relinquish and let go of some of the things that I was carrying from this old wound and old energy. And so for me, like forgiveness is a huge part of everything that I do in relation to letting go of a lot of the old ways, the old beliefs, the fears, things like that, because forgiveness for ourselves releases so much pressure on our energy space. And even forgiveness for other people, if there's a situation or circumstance that you've worked through and you're noticing you're holding a grudge grudge or some resentment in relation to that, I can promise you you're hurting nobody but yourself. When you hold a grudge and you hold that resentment, it's like you're intending to poison somebody, but you're actually drinking the poison yourself. You're not harming anybody other than yourself by holding on to these things. Whether it's about yourself or about somebody else, it doesn't matter. It's clogging up your energy reservoirs and preventing you from getting the very thing that you want. It's like you standing in the middle of a pond of sludge and the universe is trying to send stuff to you, but it can't get through that fucking sludge because you're just holding on to it. Won't let it go. Forgiveness is super important. And so whenever I'm recognizing that I'm still holding on to fears or limiting beliefs or any of these things, I like to do a little bit of a mini forgiveness practice. And you guys might have heard of before Haponopono. It's an ancient Hawaiian forgiveness technique. And there is basically four statements that you use to send forgiving and loving energy to whatever it is that you're. looking to clear and let go of. And so the order of it goes, I'm sorry, please forgive me. Thank you. I love you. I'm sorry, please forgive me. Thank you. I love you. Now again, this isn't in relation to another person, even if it is a circumstance or somebody else you're you're looking to bring into that energy space and and release that resentment of. All of these statements are in relation to yourself and what you're holding on to in terms of that. So when you say, please forgive me, you're actually asking yourself to forgive the version of you that was in that circumstance, in that situation, in that moment, and also the version of you that's held on to this for so long, thinking that it's doing you some justice or some good or teaching you a lesson. When you say please forgive me, you're asking yourself to forgive yourself. When you say I'm sorry, same thing. You're saying I'm sorry for holding on to this for so long. I'm sorry for allowing this to impact me in the way that it did. I'm sorry that this has clogged up my energy reserves for such a long time and prevented me from being able to move forward. Said those backwards, but you get it. I'm sorry, please forgive me. Thank you. When you say thank you, you're thinking yourself. Thank you for recognizing this. Thank you for releasing this. Thank you for choosing to release this. Thank you for the choice to move forward. Thank you for the choice to let go of this. Thank you for taking care of yourself. Thank yourself for all of it. And then when you say I love you, you're saying I love you to yourself. Both the version of you that went through that, the version of you that recognized this or Was holding on to this for such a long time and the version of you that you are now. Say I love you to yourself. I'm sorry, please forgive me. Thank you. I love you. And you guys are more than welcome to research this and look into it a little bit more directly yourself and find the true practices out there. There's lots of amazing Hawaiian teachers out there that will teach you this from their heritage and their actual true teachings or education behind it. This definitely is my take on it or what I have learned over the years of using this andor using it in retreats or or certain coaching practices and things that we've done. But it is a really powerful tool and it has shifted things immensely for me. And I really do love to use this forgiveness practice anytime something like this pops up for me because it really just helps me to shift that emotion, heal that wound in a deeper way, and move forward onto the next thing. And, you know, I gotta say, this week, after of processing all of this stuff and and doing this practice, I've now moved into a space where I cannot shut my creative brain off. It's running a million miles a minute, and I'm finding myself wanting to record things and videos and get on camera more and take photos again and do a lot of stuff that I've kind of shied away from or forgotten about over the last few months. I feel like I've kind of been in a depressed andor burnout hole without even realizing it, trying to be so perfect in the things that I'm creating that I've actually procrastinated and done things less perfectly. So I really do think there is some magic to doing something like this for yourself. One of the ways I used to do it is like if you're healing and processing a lot of things, you could just go through and you know write out on paper and bullet point form list what are all the things that you're dealing with, limiting beliefs or wounds, traumas, fears, things like that. And then you could literally just go through the list one by one, clear them all out, say the statements over and over again as you imagine those situations in mind, or if there's just one really big thing you're working on right now. You can make this a conscious daily practice where you continue to bring that in and release that energy, cut those cords and free yourself from some of the things that you're carrying around. And I promise you, it can work wonders. Forgiveness really is such a big part of healing and growth. And truthfully, I don't think it's something that we talk about enough. So I encourage you this week if there's something that you're facing. Work this in, sit down, try to do it a little bit and see how you feel. And I appreciate you being here with me for today's episode, for understanding why it is late and for just connecting with me on social media and being in our network. We've had so many new faces come into social media or to our membership or even in our download numbers, which have been skyrocketing this last month. I'm so grateful for that. So grateful for you. We appreciate you being here. I appreciate you being here. It is such a joy to hop on and to record and to speak from the heart and share a lot of things that I either kept hidden for such a long time, realized that not a lot of people talk about, or just wanted to be able to share a different perspective inside than maybe you see on social media all the time, right? Because there's always somebody else out there who thinks like us, who feels like us, and It's nice to be connected and have you here in my circle. So thank you for that. So I'm sending a big heart-centered hug to you. I'm sending you so much love. I appreciate you being here for today's episode. And I will catch you in the next one. Remember to go regulate yourself.