Sina Ganster: Hello! Hi Alina! How are you? Good day, nice to you again. And? for Alina: Hey, Guten Tag. Ja, auf jeden Fall. Wird Zeit! Sina Ganster: Yeah, we had to postpone the podcast recording The real life has in bit. With sick children and a lot of workload. But I'm always happy when we an appointment. Yeah. What's new? Alina: in ⁓ Sina Ganster: ⁓ and what was there? Yeah. Alina: But my child gets one euro per tooth. That's what decided. But it was super hyped. And, uh, mom, look at the tooth. And now the next And I think, please it me. I don't to see it. It's still okay. But I think if she starts playing with it's not that cool. Sina Ganster: you Hast du Ekel davor? Oh god, now remember. Yes, right, when you're so small, then... Of course... And look, there were always really fucked up stories. So someone told me that you have to string around your tooth and the door. That's so sadistic. I don't know if I... I imagine to bang That's really crazy. But they told right? Alina: Of did as children too. Yeah, right, and to knock Ha ha ha! You had two older brothers, to it to our listeners, you just two older brothers. That's what it's about. Sina Ganster: Yeah. And not the guy-protector-brother, but rather the guy... brother. The one with the little... yeah. Yeah. My mom always liked me stuff that. Yeah, No, I don't I don't I anything from the dentist. I think it my I mean, at my time, we had the same time, but definitely... Alina: Ich kämpfe mich hier durch. Huh. Sina Ganster: In my family, was no The only thing I had was a super cute little where I collected And I had for a long time. You looked and it had disgusting little teeth. It super disgusting actually. I would have look if I still somewhere with my parents. Does Hannah also a box? Or is the gone? What are you with the tooth? Are you it? Alina: I also wondered how this tooth up this can, because it's tooth fairy. But I in a small separate can and funnily enough it also a separate can in which it the money from the tooth fairy. So are lot of cans where something is collected. But the Easter bunny has the... No, watch out. The Easter bunny has the order of a tooth fairy. Sina Ganster: Ha But do you the can with the tooth? So do you have access to the Alina: to At least I the Easter Bunny that. Yes, are definitely really sweet things. Sina Ganster: ⁓ crazy. And now I ask, Hannah believe in whole Easter bunny thing? I have no idea how that is, how long children believe So it's six, right? No, five. Alina: Yes, full. And Hanna is totally in opinion, because she was last time the Easter Bunny or the first time in the Eifel to for in my family and was allowed to through the garden and she is also the only grandchild. That means she the only through this garden or yes, exactly, she is just the only grandchild. She the only through the garden and looked And now she also thinks we have to on vacation to my family so that she can also look It's much more to Christ Child and Santa Claus, because ⁓ live in Thuringia, East Germany, former East Germany, ⁓ GDR. Here you in Santa Claus. And all the kindergartens, all the friends believe in Santa Claus. But my mother has the Christ Child in Saarland. That means there are always both. ⁓ somehow Santa Claus comes to one and to the other comes the Christ Child. Sina Ganster: Yeah. Alina: Also, the child is completely confused. Sina Ganster: I never really differentiated I knew what was Christ Child, Santa Claus, but... Honestly, when I was 4 5 years old, I waited and thought, here comes the Santa Claus or the Christ Child and brings the presents. Then my brothers came and said, Sina, don't Santa Claus, Christ Child, those are the parents. There was the whole magic anyway. Alina: This is fees. Sina Ganster: That's why I never thought about whether it's a Christ child or a Christmas man. Yes, I'm about my stories, but I don't my own family here. I great brothers, they very nice and they do lot. But childhood is sometimes hard. Alina: I was the older sister. From my perspective, it's quite different. Sina Ganster: We your little brother back So I can a few stories from By now, how old is he? Already in mid-30s, right? Oh god. Two. Early 30s, early 30s. We're mid-30s. Alina: I'm not even in my mid-30s I'm still early 30s. Sina Ganster: Okay, ich auch. Okay. Alina: Not for long, only two weeks, but... Sina Ganster: ⁓ Okay. ⁓ Good, good. small Alina. Are you ready for the ⁓ stories? ⁓ Alina: Tell me more. Sina Ganster: So. The first story is from Reddit from the subforum Breaking Mom. Do married women like their husbands at all? Married 12 years. Been 14 years. A common child. I have the feeling that there many red flags in our marriage that I consciously overlooked. And I just want someone to that I'm not crazy. My husband is on business trip and is me our little child. I got from my parents' time and I'm trying to get into work. We didn't a place because the waiting lists are so long. So I in the home office and at same time of a very dependent little child. Ich habe alles in mich hineingefressen und bin gestern am Telefon etwas explodiert, als er anrief und sich darüber beschwerte, wie lang und anstrengend seine Reise und Arbeitstag sei. Ich war übermüdet und sagte nur, muss schön sein, ich würde auch gern reisen, statt jeden Tag zwei Jobs gleichzeitig zu machen. Daraufhin wurde er wütend auf mich. It feels like we are constantly in a competition about who is efficient. He thinks he would it harder because he earns than me. But I also well and take of our child I just want recognition and real interest in myself and my work. But because I a glamorous title, I the feeling that he me less. Ich plane die Geburtstage unseres Kinds, managier seine erdrückende Familie, buche die Arzttermine unseres Kindes, buche die Termine meines Mannes, putze das Haus, bringe Müll und Recycling raus, mache die Wäsche und das ist nur die Spitze des Eisbergs. Und ich soll mich dabei nicht einmal beschweren? Wenn er einmal hilft, erwähnt er es extra ⁓ mich daran zu erinnern, dass er ja hilft. We are to the cleaning, but most of I have to remind that this also includes garbage, bathroom and so on. Why does it to help when he lives too? By the I also completely. And the creamer, he doesn't believe that mental load exists Of course not. When I tell him that I for consistency in the way I loved, he feels attacked. Everything is always an attack. I just to loved I asked him if he me somewhere and he had no answer. No plans for a date, no initiative, no reflection on it. He gives me feeling of being With friendly greetings. eine Mutter mit einer viel zu hohen mentalen Last. These you down, right? Wow, First of how crazy is it to in the home office and the time of the child? For me, almost impossible. I imagine, I don't know if she mentions how old the child is. Alina: Kleinkind hat sie auf jeden Fall gesagt. Kleinkind ist ja auf jeden Fall unter drei. Würde ich sagen. Oder noch kleiner. Sina Ganster: Kleinkind, ne? You can do it... How do you to I don't know, maybe I would say 4 or 5, but how you to do it? Working a bit? Maybe if the child does a nigger? The child wants full attention Maybe the child is in way that it alone, but that probably won't that long either. I think it's almost... Alina: year. Sina Ganster: It's to work there, almost impossible. Alina: You only half If you think you're already out of your job because you're doing parental time. And she said she did parental time. Then you back. You want to your job. And you're used to giving 100 % And then you should get in there. But you don't the same work force as before because it's facto gone. And that then, because you are you went to me at least, I was just limited But now also to in productivity at time, because you don't a free mind Because when do you to When does she a free mind to think clearly? Because mental load, the circumstances we work in are different. Sina Ganster: I'm getting and working and my days are just completely timed out. even though the little is to the kindergarten, I get up, do everything, right? So, together with my partner, So, we're everything. But, yeah, I finish it, breakfast, then off to the kindergarten, then I sit there and I'm, let's seven hours away from work. Alina: Mm. Sina Ganster: And then she's picked and then to her, which I love, and so on. But generally, the days are brutally timed, and in my case with the And I can't imagine how she does at To part-time, full-time, whatever, when a little child is in the apartment. Definitely super challenging. Maybe she gets super early or something, I know. But of I can understand that you're something so and you're also zero recognition from your partner, who apparently thinks that's normal or who doesn't understand at So I probably, if he me and said, oh I'm having hard time and I'm here... I so much work and but if he's in hotel or whatever, I'd probably explode and think, what are you I'm here, she does all the household work and everything, she's probably there at 130 % every day, does everything and then she has another giant baby that's still struggling. How heavy is he? I think he should always his feet completely still. Because what she does and what she work and what his back free, he should overshadow And she writes at the end, she would also wish that he invite her or somehow her some appreciation. And apparently all. So he's probably the guy again, in a year or so they up, and he at all. Probably out of the separation of the classics. Alina: I think it's like she says, she's trying to find in. So this classic change from she was at home with the child she all that and now the job is on top. what does that The relationship is currently on the test bench to out again. For many it's like... one year of maybe even two years of depending on how long you at home. That's very different, at least in Germany. And sounds like she at home for a while. I'm just to on a year. So I guess. And she's a year at home. And that's also a bit... Sina Ganster: at yes. Alina: When I at home, I was also unemployed because I before Corona. And then Corona and pregnancy and there is really bad And then I unemployed at home, felt very unproductive as a person. I a little independence, but not much. And you're at home, trying to something again, to maybe yourself or something. So I thought, okay, I'm at home, I'm nothing right now. Then the child into world, you take care of the child but you want to the household time. So you want to a lot things. But I still for my part, when my partner home from work, that he would the child. It was so natural and he complained about Because even there are differences. But it's this topic, okay, I'm away household as a mother. And if I don't take care of the then I have to do. So classic example on the weekend. I had the feeling... I a lot because I one who was so I the nights. Then we got and my partner went with the or with our daughter to the playground early, so that I purely theoretically and which would have totally desired But I had my head... I have to do something now. Now I'm home, I have time, I can of the household. It was my thing, I have to say. I think it's super important that you speak and reflect a lot. Look, how am I How can we along? Is he used to his work stuff at Because it's often the It's often the that men can their feelings to the partner. While we do with our girlfriends, men do that mainly with their partner. Or just. It really depends. Men rarely about the things they really care about because they it themselves in their cave. Or that they used to But the exchange with their partner. But now the partner is so full. Sina Ganster: Mm. Yeah, totally. Yeah. Alina: with all other topics, they can't afford even though they might want to. And you really to sort So I think if they now, starting from, I'm just about to get the job and I'm just not satisfied, and if they manage to sort out because they very early, so for me it like they it right away when the problem arises, they could actually do if they sort So, assuming he's maybe also more... Exactly, because maybe he's really just overwhelmed and thinks, huh, why? And it's all somehow as always, what has changed? And you've always been wubbing that now all of a it's not like that and... Sina Ganster: Yeah, when he's just pulling Yeah, well, what changed? I mean, that's a question that's pretty easy to answer. It changed that she's working But yes, I can partly that. It was similar Reverse roles. So I started after four months and Carlos after six months. And with this two-month difference, was just that he kept his back open. Alina: Yeah. Sina Ganster: I got in worked, did my things here on the laptop and he did all the household chores, cooked the little one all time. I actually just work and then there food later and so on. It was dream. I have to say, sometimes he complained that it all so much and so I sometimes thought, honestly, I thought, you you're free with her, I'm just here in a meetings. Yeah, opposite role. And I knew it, he was right. But was also interesting to this perspective. I've it comfortable for And in January we had... Alina: Oh, the other way around! Sina Ganster: So started, well, we both worked on it. And then we out. We sat and made a complete plan. Who does what? Who brings her to the kindergarten? Who gets her off? How do we clean her? How do we cook her? What are my tasks? What are his tasks? What do we when she's sick? Who gets her off at what moments? And so on. So we sorted out so that it's 50-50. And I think they should do I have say, the guy seems very idiotic is definitely from her perspective, that he just there in the nest and thinks, yes, she can do or whatever, it doesn't like he's coming at all. But of it's only her perspective, but would such topics, they have to... The circumstances have changed. It's not like it to She was and he was They both now, so they the household. Of there's with the nursery. I don't how to solve You can your thumb to find a nursery. Maybe can a day mother. It's very complicated. It's terrible, actually. because she's good at it, that she gets into the job and just says, okay, I'm this somehow. She'll probably super late, super early, if the kid a nigger. No idea. But, yeah, it's sick. Alina: That's crazy. I think super crazy. But how was that with the title? Or how was that with the... Exactly, she doesn't a special title but he probably has some crazy posts or something. Sina Ganster: Yeah, are a lot of a stuff or people feel more when there is a vice manager or what do it, a top manager, a title like you in these concerts. And she is maybe normal e-commerce manager or maybe she is... ⁓ in the health care system or whatever. But it doesn't you know? It doesn't matter, even if he is an animal care worker and the other is a top manager. Both are valuable professions and a profession can't always be to money. So my profession is more because I earn you know? We both to... so profession is also a and both want to independent. Alina: Yeah, I can know. Sina Ganster: Someone who loves animals and as an animal care worker, you I would say he is less successful in his life just because he earns as I said, just to professions like that. You can't always everything to the money. And I'm totally banal when you yourself as someone who has a title that... Alina: ⁓ Sina Ganster: Yeah, you could just take Alina: No, it's already... I just hope that it doesn't sound like a really crazy procedure. sounds like... Red Flex might her right. It's just points Really points where she notices, oh, attention, we're a problem. And and in best case he manages to somehow... I mean, if he deserves much... Then a cleaning lady could do that, I the first lever. Sina Ganster: I thought too, or a nanny or whatever. But maybe he thinks that's his job or something. could also be that he... Alina: I that's so crazy because it's already... Even my mother didn't such way of anymore. So I wonder how far she's Sina Ganster: Yeah, ⁓ Alina: Hmm. Naja, okay. Sina Ganster: Ich würde sagen... Let's second story. Okay. is my first contribution here. At moment I ⁓ and I thought talking someone who is just getting could help. I two school-related children and live with my partner, but all our friends and families live abroad. I used to contact with my friends. ⁓ But months nobody has my messages. I not accusing I know that they very busy. I live and work in a big city and about a year ago we decided to move a smaller city to the balance between commuting, working and being A few months ago, a new job offered and I accepted it. although that means that I four hours In short, long commutes, being parents and the workload mean that I haven't a single minute for myself Here is winter and we are constantly fighting with diseases and darkness. I have the feeling of shortly before the collapse and on all levels. because I can't meet My mood is getting worse and and lately I've very deep down points that have and me feeling of hopelessness. In these moments I just someone to talk and I've realized that I have My mother would only say that it her because she her children alone. My father and my sister wouldn't understand it and I gradually all my friends since I became and moved My partner has a stressful job and I know that he is just as overwhelmed as I am and there his best. But when I told him how much I fight, he said that he just can't bear I understand that. I think sadly I would him. Everything together is more than I can and I couldn't another person other than our children who needs me. I think I'm for someone who understands what I'm and maybe can some guidance. I started to a therapist but I know that there many of us who all that life and society expect us. And think it would very helpful to know that I not alone. Hmm, yeah. Alina: ⁓ man. Sina Ganster: It's definitely a story that got You definitely notice that there's a bit of despair and that things aren't going well definitely crazy. What I quite dubious is the topic of him four hours. I've never heard that before. Two hours back, two hours back. I it's pretty Do that? Alina: Mm-hmm. I don't know, could be with everything around. They live in a small town and she moves to the big city. That's I understood If there's a bad connection between and stuff like that. The question is, how many hours does she She can't more than six hours. Then she would 14 hours away from home, I'm not Sina Ganster: Yeah, that's mega full. So you're only four hours on the then you work hopefully only six hours. Are you ten hours away? Yes. Alina: so it's just... It's all levels. She has nothing to with life. So she commutes, she doesn't time for herself, because what does she do? Except maybe read or listen to a podcast. Okay, and you go to work. It didn't like she wanted but it didn't like a mega-foolish At least she anything about Then she children less. I mean, they're in She's suffering It's just as unsatisfactory. But the partner, the partnership, to somewhere. And no friends. So it's a life. Sina Ganster: Yeah, so it definitely very frustrating. It's just too much. So in the end, I don't they should have if there's this crazy time-eater in the back. But who knows, maybe it's a dream job or something, or maybe they financial crisis You don't why they end. In any case, absolutely insane for me to four hours. What I noticed about the is the topic of friends. I think that happens to many people. That if you a new priority in your life, which are the children, one child and a second one and so on, that you then... Alina: Hmm. Sina Ganster: you that often the topic of friends down and you keep saying no or you don't report and so on, then will probably at some point, I don't feel like it if someone doesn't report For me it's definitely a reminder how important Alina: Yeah. Sina Ganster: It's about making Friends are incredibly important It's a very big pillar in my life. Alina: Yeah, aka chosen family, ⁓ Sina Ganster: Yeah, so it's just... It's just... Absolutely, yeah. Absolutely. And you have to take of and you just to the time into And it's just an investment. Sometimes you're just tired and you don't feel like but you have to to write back a voice message, how it's make best if we meet. It's a bit a time-investment, but it pays off 10,000 times. And just need social contacts and people who pick up, people we can especially in situations like hers, where everything is somehow too much. And have say, she's really on the very, very best path to depression, when she doesn't have that you have people who help I she's on Reddit, probably because she doesn't have anyone she can chat with about how done she is. Alina: I would be in what happened I can imagine that you can that this happens. But with few friendships it's really like that, even if you hadn't anything for that I couldn't get So there is really... Sina Ganster: Hmm. Alina: I know, I school friends I them two years. And surprise, we all the same story. have children, the partnership that didn't work and were busy with our own lives and meet again when everything has sorted So, I know, after a breakup or something. You also most people much better what's awesome. Sina Ganster: You Alina: and maybe not everyone, which is not going now. And I know that... Sina Ganster: Hmm. But you connect with people when you tell them what's going on. That's the connection when you open up. When you only say, yeah, everything's great, blah blah blah. Okay, nice, you can a nice conversation, but when you say, boy, I'm struggling right and I feel lost and stuff, those are the moments when you really connect. Alina: Of totally. And I also learned that have to open to and these sides so that others do the same you. But as I I'm also very selective. I mean, you have to say, this whole topic, I've been away from home example, and I've lot about it is to from the distance, friendships develop, and with children. I to say, how many people I told back what me and what was annoying me during my parents' time. Or how a science out of a cost-efficiency introduction. Where I sometimes think, crazy that people all this. And then I'm someone who... and very bad. But I'm not necessarily bad, I want to time. And that's the crux. Sometimes it to a quick check-in and say, by I'm starting, I hope everything is cool That's you don't to such a science out of it. But keeping is important, but I have to say, I expect from my friends that if I don't contact while... that I don't... Well, of they sad if I haven't contacted them time, because that's totally natural, but I bit of understanding too. Sina Ganster: I think we are all in an age where everyone knows that we are all busy and sometimes life comes between and then you don't each for I expect that too, that then not always somehow... super der Stress ist oder so, weil man mal irgendwie nicht zurückgeschrieben hat oder so, könnte ich jetzt auch gar nicht. Also ich kann nicht so verfügbar sein für Freunde, wie es jetzt zum Beispiel für einen Partner bin oder so. Das halt immer irgendwie kommt, eh du hast dich nicht gemeldet oder so. Aber ich muss sagen, für mich gibt es auf jeden Fall auch noch Unterschiede in der Freundschaft. Also es gibt diese Freunde, wie du jetzt sagst, ey ich... met an old school friend of two years and we had a fun connected and super cool evening or something like I also nice, even if you a little bit or something that. But then are also friendships that go super, super deep For example, you are such a friend, Alina: You Sina Ganster: And also a couple of other people in my life and that's really something I put a lot of care into. But we a we talk lot or we meet. But there is a lot of and a lot of check-ins. Like how are you, how was your week and so on. Yeah, that's really important But I can't for everyone. Alina: But I also a phenomenon. I lived in Berlin and I have a girlfriend in Erfurt. But we one and half years That also counts a bit with which situation you and how communicative you are. When I think about brother right now, because my niece in the background doesn't understand that she doesn't the attention she It's just like with small children. You're for a while. And then you yourself back in the And I had the phenomenon that we Berlin. have language messages also due to Corona, because you couldn't see regularly. And since we've been we've the feeling that we'll at a cafe. And then it didn't because... I know. And then you want this conversation, which you would have over a language message. But you can't up personally. We found that are much less in exchange since we the city as before. That's totally... Because you think, of we meet up at a cafe, we don't need via language messages. But you language messages or general messages. But that's abroad, something this works really well and easily. It's more difficult to up coffee. We all we children. These are limiting factors in our time. But it's easy to a speech on a longer highway or something. Sina Ganster: Yeah, that's she in the story. But maybe it's you're right, maybe it's because you don't know, maybe there some stress in the group that they don't answer I think that's a bit strange. Alina: Ja, was ist da passiert? Or focus on the two children and the and also somehow being shielded and so on. It could be that this just difficult to live Sina Ganster: Hmm. Yeah, definitely. I don't know how to back to the story. Definitely really crazy. She definitely to be in a depression. I think great that she goes Super important. I actually think that she's stuck in a very, very low point. I think you can out little bit of this despair. And it's crazy if you a support. Neither from a partner, who also out little bit. No support from the family and no support from friends. So then you have to... Alina: We would many possibilities for you to meet people. But that doesn't fit. ⁓ Sina Ganster: has the kind of No, honestly, I her girlfriend, what would I say to I would say, please, another job. That's too much for you. So, or talk to them so you home office, or whatever. Because these four hours of I think, I don't find it totally scary, don't know. Or they just to, either they find another job or they get closer to the job. Or they share something else ⁓ that the husband stays at home and of the kids. But I in this crazy constellation, as she says, that she hasn't a minute for herself she's just running. If she keeps going, she'll at 60 because of a heart attack or something. That's just too crazy. You can't stand It's like... Alina: No. Sina Ganster: run In the end you a exhaustion syndrome or burnout or whatever. So I would definitely advise to something. I hope that you're hopefully not in an emergency situation with money or something, but then definitely write applications. And then would say try to contact your friends again, try to look and if there's nothing, try new friends. your small town or something. But it's easier said than done, as long she doesn't time. One thing that she's well is that she writes then you can just let it all out and that she to the therapist. I think that's extremely important. The step at Alina: Next. Sina Ganster: Next! Alina: Hmm. gespannt. Sina Ganster: I am 21 and my boyfriend is in his 40s. I am a freshly baked mother. My baby is three months old. After birth, to fight with post-portal anger in Never my baby, only my boyfriend. During pregnancy, was lot of anger and lot of between us. It hasn't well There are many personal things that I don't want write here. But let's just say he did a lot that me him differently today than before. I just the feeling that I'm the development of my baby. Every time I him in of the baby, I myself that it will never happen again. I tell myself that if I my baby enough, I it go. And it again. I yelled my boyfriend while I my baby in arms. I'm afraid that I've the life of my baby. I feel so guilty. If the screaming stops now and I a solution, it's too late. I just to a good mother. I don't why my love for my baby My anger for the man I'm with doesn't outweigh it, even though I know that she should. Alina: That's hard, man. You're hard yourself. Sina Ganster: ⁓ Very hard. Maybe first of I had to google first. Post portal rage. I don't know I'll it out. Post portal rage is a less known but seriously formed form of peripatial mood swings. Alina: Mm. Sina Ganster: which first weeks and months after birth. You know the post-portal depression, but it makes sense that there is also post-portal anger. ⁓ you already said, I also that she is very, very hard on herself ⁓ It that this is also a disease. So that these extreme anger outbreaks come, which she apparently can't hold back. ⁓ Alina: Didn't say she was at the portal? So it's not over? Sina Ganster: Hmm, good question. Yeah, I think you're right that she suffered Maybe was this diagnosis but apparently this anger she has or this frustration is probably going a little further. And she's making very, very good accusations that she the beginning. I assume that the whole thing just exploded. Alina: I'm if this is already more critical than afterwards. Sina Ganster: I don't are that great. Alina: I always thought that my daughter is very sensitive and sensitive to sounds and stuff. So a little bit... I don't want to say high need baby because I didn't that much, but she's already going into the high sensitivity with over, it's close enough. And I thought... that it was also bit about how I was stressed and restless and I also had... I had lie down because I was I stressed I wonder if it's a bit more critical than afterwards. Because I think... Sina Ganster: ⁓ stimmt. Ach stimmt. Alina: Nobody is so flawless. Honestly, sort ourselves. We in a completely new situation. We have ourselves completely. And then mistakes I think that's human. Sina Ganster: Yeah, that's true too. You can't so harshly. I can understand her, that she's that she has a bad influence on the child. I've been really rough with her. I don't want to say I screamed, but Carlos and got in the hair, where I completely through. Alina: Jawoll! Hmm. Sina Ganster: Then the little girl it and is maybe also crying or shocked. Then I feel totally guilty. It happens, I don't know, maybe twice or three times so in the new months. Very rarely. You always have such a bad sleep withdrawal. This sleep withdrawal you have. And then the apartment is dirty. Alina: Yeah, genau. Sina Ganster: And something up, whatever. So that we all get of it. I think that's just the We're not all gurus who always stay calm. The important thing is that it's not just the rule. With her it seems to the rule, because it's probably to illness. And of course the relationship is stable. I have say, the text starts with... She's 21 and he's in 40s. I'm already all the bells. That's always a huge power shock for me. They're a completely different moment in their lives. That there are some inconsistencies, at latest after the child. It surprise me at all. I always which 40 year old man gets a 20 year old girlfriend. think that's... You could your own podcast episode out I that's already full of me. And then you're to a guy by a baby. But that he then maybe somehow gradually becomes a complete idiot in puberty, as I doesn't me. Yeah, that she to fight that's probably a big part it. So if I now, I would also say that she has not her daughter's just because she screamed. Because she doesn't just anger, she will also her love and lot of cuddle time and whatever. There are probably these moments of, yes. They are totally torn apart. But they not the only moments she with her daughter. And what I right now and what with so many women, that the mistake is primarily found So this guy or her partner should maybe ask themselves what he is doing that her so angry. Alina: Yes. Sina Ganster: It's not just her fault, you If, P. Carlos never the apartment or me completely alone or something like that and then I just some point, then you can from the outside, okay, Sina is getting out she's not under control, but you just the guy. Alina: It's just... If I think about which things make me feel I'm my skin, then it's just overloading topics and... And it's also a learning process. You learn how sensitive the children are, you learn what really triggers and it's also... A happy mother is so important, a balanced, happy mother. Because only then can be a stable mother. And the father is responsible for There is lot in the relationship. And you almost it. I read that, it's a controversial sentence maybe, but the relationship is sometimes more important than the child. I grew up with the phrase, I am the most important thing for my parents. if you an intact family, you to say, I also the partnership above the child. Sina Ganster: Absolutely. ⁓ Alina: Absolutely controversial, but right? Sina Ganster: Yes, controversial, but I totally in It sounds brutal at I the partnership over the child. It's not that the needs of the child are falling behind, but the foundation of the family and this constellation are the two partners. And if it doesn't work then the whole house down, where the child is anchored. I think it happens that you a child and then the child focuses. It's all about the child. I can understand that. But then the partnership apart and after a few years you realize that you don't have that much in anymore. Or the only common thing is the child and then everything doesn't anymore. And yes, that's I totally agree that the relationship is the foundation and that it be taken And if that's true, then... then this whole family life Alina: You have to of yourself, I think. I myself question, which probably everyone themselves, because you take yourself the child, the newborn is dependent you, 100 percent. And his survival depends on you as a Ergo, you do everything, you fulfill needs. From some point are only needs, but also wishes. So when do I actually start to educate? When do I start to say, is a wish and this is a need and in what way do I what? Where do I the line? When do I the line? That's not that easy. You have to decide And then have to the case as parents. Sina Ganster: Hmm. Alina: And then I started reading called No to Love. And found one sentence very pregnant, that a no to someone else is always a yes to myself. And I want to my child. I want to I don't that. Because you can also... Sina Ganster: Hmm. Alina: 100,000 rule, but in the end it's about how you about as a parent. And that's just... If you a mom say, I'm to for day in the spa, but back super relaxed afterwards, then you shouldn't oh, I all day. Of course we miss our kids. We all But it's also awesome and you have a relaxing phase and come back And so... I the topic of and self-care is just a Sina Ganster: Absolutely, yes. Self-care is just so mega important. I feel like it's also... Or let this think it's sometimes crazy. For me it's just that Carlos and I, we everything super well and I have a lot of free time twice a week in evening I free twice a week in he free where we free time and I can a project and a podcast or go to the cinema, friends or go or my nails and so on and I notice that so much that I it so much. If I a week, which of happens and we can't do that way, I'm so unbalanced. when I those times for myself. And then I automatically am not a good mother or a worse mother at that moment. ⁓ Because I just notice, I don't know, I'm not really with myself. I'm totally through somehow. And... yeah. Alina: But that's always coming to the story. The question is, if that's so intense, what's her, that it's just a rage. Maybe the first measure would to see how I out this rage and still... Sina Ganster: Yeah. Alina: And still, somehow... It's the classic, I'm angry at my child, first get out the room. Because honestly, they sometimes you... There are sometimes topics where you think, I know, but she has... Yes, but she has the anger towards the child. That's I'm this example, I leave the room. And you do that in connection with children. Honestly, if you a hundred thousand times... Sina Ganster: Yeah. But she's not really into the child, right? She's not into the child, right? Alina: and you're just like, maybe you your anger or you actually regulate but maybe you're yourself all day long because you're so stressed out. Then might just to the situation like that. It's just one example, which at least helps But she needs like Like, what do I with my anger to not that to the And then, if she has I first go to the core of the cause, what's going on and what's the problem. Sina Ganster: absolute. Alina: Apparently the guy has really shit. I'm sure there a thousand things that probably have or not, or I don't know. But maybe can't that bit. The question is how do they get out of So, but... As I think the children forgive a in the first years. Because we as perfect parents. It's just like that. Sina Ganster: No. Hmm. Yeah, so she shouldn't be... That's exactly how it So shouldn't crazy. One thing that also plays is that she's still very young. She's 21. Look, we're in early 30s, we said at the beginning. Not mid-30s, we're still early 30s. But of course... Alina: Stimmt. ⁓ das hab ich ganz vergessen. Stimmt. Sina Ganster: And the guy is 40 but probably not mature as a 20 year old. I can imagine that. And then she just, I don't know, guy, I'll maybe has on other women who not pregnant. And I know, she just off, she's still so young. Alina: ⁓ that's also... Yes, that's the classic men's planning theme and it's not up to her eye level, you know? I can imagine that a power case plays a role and then maybe doesn't her for granted and at the end of the day she's just the... Sina Ganster: He's probably financially dependent on him. For sure. With a Alina: Yes, but that she might also just say, I don't any other way to my right here, because he then just, I don't know, so I can really lively that he doesn't seriously and maybe she's totally dependent on him because she now has the child, apart from finances, you are also bit dependent, because you a child together. And then And And then the guy goes and doesn't her seriously and she says, I have no choice but to voice and voice breakings. That could be full. I completely forgot that she is so young. Sina Ganster: Yeah. It's actually a help. Alina: Yeah. No, but that brings me back little bit, that throws another angle of on the matter and could flip Because I could really imagine that the guy would say, hey girl, come don't so, others in your age are, I don't know how. Or, I don't know. Sina Ganster: Yeah, that's not bad. Oh yeah, that guy is me really aggressive. But look, why is a 40 year old man and a woman at the their 20s? That's just a guy who probably has a lot of self-issues and no self-confidence and whatever. That's needs a very young woman who looks up to him and he feels great and he can her the world. I've that a lot. Oh, right, that he... I think it's all so bad. He with a woman like us. Alina: I said, man's planning! Now imagine, we are now in our early thirties, but we wouldn't a man who ten years younger than us, let alone fifteen years younger. And in that case we are talking about twenty years. Twenty years, man. Sina Ganster: You No, I was so immature at the of I was... I don't just a child. I would've flipped too. I would've been... I could've like her. That I wasn't in control or something. You have a total idiot. No, right. Alina: And... bin da gerade weggezogen. Sina Ganster: Really sick. I didn't to a mother at the of I'm definitely thankful that I pregnant or that some guy wanted when I super young. So... Alina: They definitely to marry you, you didn't realize that. Sina Ganster: I don't so. No idea, but I want to Good. Now we should chop Then I thank you for being my co-host and I'm forward to the next podcast episode, which hopefully will be filmed Until then, you can on LinkedIn. There I generally about the topic of feminism and motherhood. You can me there under Sina Gansta. And basically, if you have cool stories that you want to and you want us to comment on please them me under sina.gansta at gmail.com. And then I look forward to the next time. See you then, bye! Alina: Ciao ciao! Sina Ganster: Bye.