Rhonda: Hi, welcome to Becoming Unapologetic. My name is Rhonda and I wanted to kind of give you all a brief, well, probably not so brief overall view of me and how this came about. I was raised in a very nice middle class neighborhood. My parents were good to my brother and I. Nobody abused us or anything like that. ⁓ We had what we needed, maybe not what we wanted, but we had what we needed. But what I did not have was self-confidence. I didn't have good self-esteem about myself, nothing. I was always the very quiet person that tried to stay on the back and didn't like to raise my hand at school or anything like that. ⁓ I wasn't coordinated, athletic enough, talented enough to be able to join any of the back then cool things like cheerleading and ⁓ dance, stuff like that. I just didn't have it in me. And so I felt even more not accomplished and that maybe... I'm just not very good at things and I had very bad view of myself, very bad view of myself and all through school, through high school, same thing, just I had friends, a very small group which was excellent but self-confidence wise I still struggled, I just didn't know. who I was or how to be sure of myself. felt like everything I would say would be dumb. I have a dark sarcastic sense of humor and I hid that because it didn't play well and you know I just found myself never knowing who I was and as time went on the older I got it was the same. I just didn't know. I wasn't very popular with anything. didn't date much, nothing. And then one day I meet this guy and he's so nice. You know, I'm in my mid twenties, you know, and I meet him and he's just... He's nice, he's attractive, he's tall, and he just thinks the world of me. He's got so many things to say, so complimentary, just amazing. And the things that he would say that were a little off-putting, I would find excuses for why he would say that and justify what he said because... I felt I was a problem. I, you know, just didn't have any confidence in me. So I certainly didn't want to tell someone I don't like what you just said, because I was scared to be that kind of person, or what I thought that kind of person was, you know, because I viewed myself. The mirror showed me a tall, heavy girl. which looking back at pictures, if only I was fat like I was back then, I would be like woohoo. But you know, I didn't realize my self-esteem was so low that I saw the worst of myself when I looked in the mirror. And you know, that's the hard part is we're our own worst self-critics. You know, so I get involved with him and he says, hey, let's move out of state, let's move up to Maryland. I can work with my brother, you know, it'll be great. So I was like, well, hey, why not? And I did. And it wasn't great, you know, him and his brother, I had no idea the family dynamics and It wasn't good, you know. ⁓ His brother was great. They were great together sometimes and then they weren't. And it was just, you know, typical family stuff, I guess. But he started getting a little violent with me, yelling at me and accusing me of things. And it got to be where I was almost second guessing myself whether or not. I had done this or led him to believe that I had done this and you know again that insecurity you know that insecurity and he made sure to say you know how dumb I was and how I was lucky that I was with him and all this kind of stuff and because I was so insecure and had absolutely no value of my own self-worth I believed him. It was very easy to believe and the more negative things you hear the easier it is to believe. So when someone says something positive you doubt them. You doubt their sincerity and you wonder why are they saying that because you only hear negative things about yourself. You believe negative things about yourself because everything you thought about yourself has been amplified in what this person is saying about you. And you know, we decide to get married. How amazing is that? Right? And we're going to just go down to the Justice of the Peace and get married and I thought, gosh, should I be doing this? I think this is a mistake. I don't think I should do this. But again, we were already in motion and I was scared to say I don't want to do this. And so I went through with it and I married him. And if I thought things were bad when I was... single and just living with him, it ratcheted up a notch when I got married to him. Because now getting out isn't as easy as it would have been before. And next thing you know, I'm pregnant. And then You know, and understand I'm working. I've been working. I know how to make a good living. I was a dental assistant at the time and I was very good at what I did and I could make a good living at it. But, you know, so I'm still going to work and everything and I'm still being treated like I'm the worst person in the world and I was pretty much financially supporting us and It never, you know, these things didn't click in my head because I've never been exposed to anything like this. And, you know, while I was pregnant... The violence got worse, which you would think would be the opposite. You know, I don't want to hurt the baby, but you know, the violence got worse and I had bruises and everything, but bruises were always where you couldn't see them. And unless I was going to like pull the side of my pants down so you could see my thigh or my hip or something like that, you weren't going to see it. And you know, it just, it was bad. And I thought, well, I'm surviving this. can't get worse. Just can't. You know, he's alienating me from people. I don't really have any friends. Family is trying to be there for me, but I'm not who I used to be in any way, shape or form. That self-conscious girl has turned into this frightened person that doesn't know how to do anything, doesn't know how to make a decision, is scared to make a decision. I just go to work, come home, you know, and deal with whatever is being thrown at me at the time because that's what my life was like. And when I finally gave birth to this beautiful little girl, I was like, oh, good. She's perfect. me getting choked and thrown downstairs and things like that didn't harm her. She's perfect. And I was so relieved. Well, by now we haven't paid rent and we're going to be evicted and his aunt and uncle take pity on us because of me and the baby and we get to stay in his grandmother's house and rent there. Which of course, I'm not working because I just gave birth and he's supposed to be working, but his money isn't going to paying bills. ⁓ Thank God for programs like WIC because otherwise we would have had problems because I ended up back in the hospital a week after having my daughter because of a deep vein thrombosis which is a blood clot. and my leg was so huge and I mean I could have died and I ended up back in the hospital and they had to make a special allowance that I could have my newborn baby with me in the room. I wasn't allowed to get up. because of the blood clot. had to stay in bed with my legs elevated all the time and everything I wasn't allowed to get up or do anything like that. so having my baby with me was difficult in many ways, but her father couldn't handle the stress of it. So my little girl and I were in the hospital for like a week. and I get home and my leg is swollen. My leg is just, it's a mess from happened during delivery and it's just a mess. And now the abuse is about how fat and stupid I am and how deformed my leg is and anything he could find it was there, you know, and Then I decide, okay, I've had enough. And in a panic, I took my little girl and I left him. I left him. And I ran to my grandfather's house. And then I went to my mom's house. And, you know, then he starts calling me, you know, he wants to see his daughter and he wants to work things out. And I'm like, no. just no and I ended up moving down with my brother and his wife and his little baby and my sister-in-law is pregnant and ended up going to court and I wasn't very smart and custody we shared and for visitation I had to bring her to him and he was four hours away. So I would have to every other weekend take her up there. And of course he was lovely. He had stopped drinking. He was going to meetings. He was just kind and everything. So pretty soon he started getting me to stay with him on the weekends that I was bringing our daughter up. That inability to be able to follow my own gut, you know, and not trust myself and scared to have an opinion kept resurfacing. And I wanted to believe that he was better because we have a little girl and I can't imagine my little girl growing up without a father. I just, I felt so much guilt about that and was like, we're gonna try again. So he moved to where I was, because I had job and everything, and I had daycare set up for my daughter and everything, and he moves down and... it starts out good, you know that honeymoon period people talk about. It starts out good but it really hadn't changed and before I knew it I was pregnant again and so now he's gotten injured at work, had to have back surgery so he's saving us money. because he's not able to work by keeping our daughter home while I work. but he had me on such a tight leash. It's like I had to call him when I got to work. I had to call him at my lunch. I had to call him when I was leaving work. And he would... I finally learned that I was on a time clock when I called to say I was leaving work because he was timing me to see how long it would take for me to get home. Did I stop somewhere? Was I seeing someone else? And this is before cell phones were big and popular, so if there were traffic, I couldn't call him and say, I'm running late because of traffic or anything like that. No, if I was five minutes late, than what he expected then I was obviously cheating on him. How I had time to do that I couldn't figure it out but apparently that was the case. so it would be very bad for me. And I look back now and I'm like wow you know when he beat me with that cane I really should have gone into work and said can we call the police? Can we take photos? of my side and my hip and my upper leg because I'm black and blue all over. You know, I'm having to work and I can barely do my job without crying. I'm in so much pain. But again, I didn't do that because I was afraid. The threats that I received from him were a living breathing. This is going to happen. reality to me because this is the life that I lived. And ⁓ he got a job, thank God, but you know this is about the time that I'm having to stop work due to the second pregnancy and we have another daughter. Wonderful, now we have two beautiful little girls. you would think it'd get better. Again, that hopeful feeling that I had and it didn't, it was worse. Now we're living out in nowhere, you know, an hour from a store and we're in a... you know, really nice ⁓ double-wide mobile home, but out in middle of nowhere. There's only like four other mobile homes right there and only one was occupied. you know, so he would take our only vehicle and I would be stranded out there with two little children. And then when it was time to get groceries or something like that, if I was like, I'll go get groceries, okay, you can only take one child with you. And I finally realized he did that because I left him months before and he didn't, he knew I would never leave my children. So he wouldn't let me take them or I could only take one. And you know, things, it got really, really bad. ⁓ people men or women that have been through domestic violence especially if the partner is an alcoholic or drug addict you know they ⁓ will get themselves so drunk they black out and during those blackout periods it's kind of scary because they can be very violent and they have no recollection of it so ⁓ one day I got brave I went to the police my father came and got me and my daughters and I left and I left practically everything and then I had to fly back and go to court and all that and got full custody of the girls because he came to the custody hearing completely drunk and agreed to everything. It was wonderful. And I tried to press criminal charges against him but there just wasn't, he got stern warnings but he didn't have to do anything else and I wish it's like I'm done, I'm just done. But in that done time, you know, again, I've made a decision that I don't have time to take care of me. I have two little girls. One's a newborn and one just turned two. I have two little girls. I gotta ⁓ get my butt in gear. I have to have a job. know, I'm staying with my dad and stepmom, but how long is that gonna last? I gotta get in an apartment. You know, I gotta take care of my children. And that's what I did. One foot in front of the other. I didn't sleep when I got into the apartment. I didn't sleep for like a month because I was petrified that he was going to find me. He didn't know where I was, I was petrified. It was still a real fear that I had and I didn't trust myself to sleep. I didn't trust myself to go anywhere and I I remember using my dad's Bronco and it was just a ⁓ two-door Bronco and I took my little girls to the beach one Sunday morning and was like, let's walk the beach and pick shells. My youngest one is still not even a year old. I had a full blown panic attack on the beach because in the distance I could see a lone man walking and at that moment it looked like him. That's all I could see. And I had a full-blown panic attack. started getting upset, couldn't breathe, scooped up my daughters, ran to the car, jumped in, shut the door, and I was turning myself around to put my youngest one in the infant car seat and get my other one strapped into the car seat. And I pulled my neck. shoulder and I was in so much pain and I was crying and I was shaking and got myself back home and safely locked inside and then when I calmed down I realized that wasn't him but at that moment my mind said that's him run run run run you've got to hurry you've got to hurry you've got to be safe and I was like this is no way to live and decided okay get some help you got to get some help so I tried therapy for a little while but ⁓ to be successful at therapy I got some really great coping skills but to be really successful and start that healing process you have to actually be open and willing to talk about what happened and I was not open and willing to talk about what happened because I had locked it down and I just needed to know how to deal with not freaking out and being able to stop myself from going into a panic attack until I see if there's something to panic about. And so they taught me that, but I couldn't really heal and process because I didn't want to talk about it. It was still so horrific in my mind. And we were only married five years, five years. And To this day it feels like it was an eternity because it was just unfathomable and you come from a family where you never see your dad lay a hand on your mother. Every so often he would yell but wasn't like... ⁓ Big things not like he was saying mean things or he was just angry and then it would be done and over with but nobody got Hurt because of it. Nobody got called stupid or dumb because of it. It just was a normal thing and so not knowing anything about domestic violence or alcoholism because my parents didn't drink, you know, I didn't know I didn't know what I was dealing with and trying to process through all that was just too much for me because I just was still on that I can't believe someone who says they love you and says they love their children can be such a horrific monster and do the things that he did to me and think that it's okay and that he should be forgiven and all forgotten and that really most of it was just in my head and so You know, then comes years of distance from it, still not dealing with it, still just one foot in front of the other. All my focus, my entire focus is on my children. I just... I want them to know how great they are. don't want them to feel bad because they don't have a father in the picture. I never said to them, ⁓ he was a raging alcoholic and he beat the crap out of me. I never said that. I was like, well, he's sick. He's sick right now. He loves you, but he's sick and he just can't be the father we need. Now, he didn't try to reach out till probably... seven, eight years later. He might have, maybe that was the time frame, but he called my sister-in-law and got my phone number and he called me and so nice and everything and then I didn't say the right thing and he started yelling at me and I started shaking and I started getting so scared and then I realized, wait a second, this is a phone call, I can hang up and I said, I'm not married to you anymore and I hung up, you know, and it was just, it was brutal and I didn't trust, I didn't trust easily and I still just didn't picture myself as, as an individual. I was my children's mother and I just kind of went along with things and didn't stand up for myself and It was bad. here I'm trying to raise these children and make them feel secure and positive and hope for them to see that they're perfect just the way they are. And all I can say as a parent is I have beautiful, beautiful children who are mothers themselves and their children are amazing. And I look back and say, hey, ⁓ I probably could have done better in a lot of areas, at that point in time I did the very best I could with the circumstances I had and ⁓ with the resources I had and the knowledge I had. you know, looking back, and that's the trouble people get into is they look back and they beat themselves up because you know, now you look back and say, ⁓ I should have done this or I should have done that, but... you did the best, as long as you can say you did the best you could with what you had and you didn't intentionally try to cause harm, I think that's a good thing. And I think people need to appreciate that about themselves. And, you like I said, my daughters are amazing. They're amazing women and they have amazing children. And it's just... they have built their lives and it's a wonderful thing to see and it makes me so proud and happy. you know towards their teenage years I met someone, him and I have now been together 17 years and we have a really great relationship. has in 17 years like raised his voice at me like three or four times. And it was because I was annoying. I absolutely agree with that. But he just raised his voice. He wasn't mean to me in what he said. He was just kind of like, hey, enough. OK, I'm done talking about this enough. And he's very good to me. And he's never raised a hand to me. He's never said, no, you can't do this. You know, I could feel confident. And it took me many years to develop. any type of backbone. I was still that same girl who was afraid and who didn't. He didn't see in the mirror anything special. I didn't see anything competent about myself and I just... I just couldn't, you know. And then I get into social services. And I've been in social services for over decade now. And I had the privilege to work for a while as a domestic violence and sexual assault advocate. you know, the domestic violence part really, it helped me in ways I can't even say because talking to these clients, men or women, that came in and needed help, had a safety plan, what their options were, that type of thing, trying to empower them, listening to them, hey, you know what? The stories are different, but I could resonate with a lot of what they said because... an abuser has the same type of action and format pretty much straight across the board regardless. You everything's a little different but I could understand when they said I'm scared. I mean to the depths of my soul I could understand that. And it wasn't about me so I didn't ever tell anybody about my story. I, but I helped empower them with theirs. and help them see that how could you have known? How could you have known that this wonderful person that you met that was so nice to you and everything was going to turn into this horrible monster and then blame everything on you? Everything that happened was because you didn't do something right. Everything. Doesn't matter what it was. And you know, so I got to help people like that and I realized I love being able to do this because we should all feel good about ourselves. We didn't know and we survived and we want to move forward and that's a good thing. And then I jumped over to working with families, children and families and that has been an incredible journey with this job because I get to meet some amazing people and I meet some teenagers and it's boys and girls. mean there's gender clarification that says this gender feels worse about themselves than that one. That's not how it works. ⁓ But I meet these incredible teenagers that just when you ask them, do you see in the mirror? They don't see anything. Or they're like, I don't look in the mirror. I don't like what I see. it's like, wait a second. It finally dawned on me. like, I was them. That was me. You know, that was me at their age. well, that was me for many, many years, ⁓ not seeing anything in the mirror and. just feeling completely down and I look at these amazing kids and I'm like no, no, it's not acceptable. You are amazing person, amazing. Let's talk about the good things and I make them talk to me about what's going on in their life, what happened at school, if it's an adult that... has been through a traumatic experience or something and we talk about things, I listen. I really listen to what they say and how they're saying it. And when they're done, they've said this incredible thing that happened to them, but they've said it in such a negative way that to them it's bad. And I'm like, hey, what I heard was this. And I... rephrase what they said, saying what they said, but in a better tone because that's how I heard it. And I'm like, look what you did, look what you accomplished. And the more I've worked in social services, the more I realized that, hey, you, Rhonda, have a problem. You still feel the need to accept blame for everything. whether you did it or didn't do it, you feel the need to say, I'm sorry. You feel the need to be the peacemaker because you can't handle conflict. You don't want conflict, you can't handle it. let's just, whatever you have to do to make everybody happy, because that's the important thing, everybody happy. So every time I do that, I lose me. And so one day I decided, enough is enough. I'm going to become unapologetic. Hence the name of this podcast, Becoming Unapologetic, because it's a work. It is a work in process to become unapologetic. And it starts with seeing who you really are, having hard discussions with yourself, which sounds funny, but you know, sometimes you have to have a hard discussion with yourself and say, I... I this, I did this, I did this. These were mistakes that I made and... I made them, I acknowledge it, I own it. ⁓ What did I do after that? And what do I do that's good? What am I proud of? start trying to stand on, you know, it sounds crazy to say because I'm an adult woman and I'm still trying to stand up on my own feet. But I'm trying to be a better me. I want to be a better me. and I realized working with the families I've worked with that I can help someone be a better them. I can be that positive person that truly sees them for what they are and I can listen to them and I don't judge anything. I'm totally non-judgmental about stuff. just like, just tell me what's going on. You know, I'm not going to think it's weird. I'm not going to judge you. Nothing. Just, I want to help. And I'm blessed to work with amazing co-workers that work in the same capacity as me, that feel the same way. So we're able to all work together and help people, which is a fabulous thing to do. But... Becoming unapologetic is all about embracing who you are and realizing that you are not that negative version of yourself that you may have been hearing or you may criticize yourself for. That you are absolutely perfect the way you are and you have a lot of strength that maybe you don't acknowledge or you hide and it's time to break out of that and become comfortable with you. I'm finally to a point where I'm comfortable with me, you know. My husband's great. We get along great. Couldn't ask for anything better than that. We live a simple life. We have what we need. We have our bills paid. And you know, really, what more do you need than that? I have two beautiful daughters who are absolutely amazing, and they have amazing kids. I'm a very lucky person to have such amazing grandchildren. And you know, I still have my own parents. which is wonderful and I'm close to my husband's parents so you know and I have friends. My circle is small because I like to be around people I can be me with. years ago stopped being around people that I felt like I had to be a certain way or they were kind of judgy with me. Now I'm friends with people that I can say whatever is off the cuff in my head and they know that she's not being judging or she's not being this or that. Because I don't have kids living with me. So some of the stuff that I see, I don't totally understand the new trends. And I have to ask somebody. And it's not because I want to judge it. It's not because I am judging it. It's because I simply don't know. When did this happen? When did this come about? And there's like some teenagers I work with, they'll say something. And I'm like, ⁓ hold on. define that for me. don't get it. You gotta explain it to me. And I have no shame in that because it's fun to learn new stuff. I'm not embarrassed that I don't know something. It's fun to learn. so that's, you know, that's about being who you are. So I thought to myself, what would I like to do? I got myself accredited Master Life Coach certification and I have started a, well, I'm trying to start a life coach business for neurodivergent teens and young adults, helping them see how absolutely amazing they are because that is one thing that I noticed when working with some families with some neurodivergent children, know, children on the spectrum or have ADHD or anything like that. ⁓ Everybody's got quirks. Sometimes their quirks are a little bit more noticeable than other people's quirks and they have problems with their peers with that and what they're not seeing is that they're amazing, you know, they're amazing and we need to work on that self-confidence and that self-esteem because you're unique and you're interesting and that's something to be embraced and working with people like me who've been in a very unhealthy relationship, helping them see how absolutely amazing and strong they are, that they survived and they were able to accomplish all these things and that it's not their fault, but they can make decisions. know, when I can remember when I first got to my dad's stepmom's house and My daughter needed diapers. And my dad's like, well, here's the keys to my car. You want to run up to Walmart and get diapers? Do you want us to watch the kids, or do you want to take them with you? And I froze like a deer in headlights because I didn't know what the right answer was. I had to make a decision. There was no one to tell me what the right answer was. I didn't know. And I literally stood there and couldn't make a decision because I was scared of. making the wrong decision. know, and that's what it does to us. so becoming unapologetic is facing these things and understanding how great you are and embracing who you are. You might not be everyone's cup of tea, I know I'm not, but for the people that I'm close to, We're great. My friendships are great. We can talk about anything and nobody judges anybody and isn't that the way it's supposed to be? You know, everything's so ugly and so filled with hate sometimes that it's like it's nice to be around people that see you for you. And so that's what this is about. This is how it kind of came to be because I thought this would be fun. This would be fun to talk about things that trouble people and see a different side of it. So this is becoming unapologetic and... hope we all can work on this together. Thank you so much for your time and listening with me. We'll have another episode, hopefully you will like. So please go to my website at www.u-2-o.net. That is my life coach name, U2.0, because... I think we're great like we are and maybe we just need a feedback in a positive manner to really grasp that. So I appreciate your time and I hope you continue to listen. Thank you so much.