Shafiah Khabeerah: Dear Diary, I don't think anyone prepared me for what it would cost to be this strong for ⁓ starting to realize that leadership didn't just elevate me, ⁓ cost me something. ⁓ was showing up for everyone, ⁓ I wasn't showing up for myself. ⁓ the truth is, ⁓ didn't notice how much it was taking from me. ⁓ until my body forced me to ⁓ Good morning, good afternoon, good evening. Welcome to Diary of a Healed CEO, the Cost of Leadership No One Talks About series. I am your host, Shafiya Kabira, owner of the Healed CEO. I am a leadership mastery mentor, mental health counselor, author, and speaker. And I'm really glad that you're here. So today I want to talk to the woman who is holding everything together at work, for her team, in her life. And no one is really asking what it's costing her. And I'm speaking on this topic because I've been that woman. There was time in my leadership journey when I was working as a project manager and on paper everything looked right. ⁓ was responsible, ⁓ was dependable, I was getting things done, ⁓ behind the scenes ⁓ was constantly working and I'm sure you can relate to that. trying to meet deadlines, trying to be available, ⁓ to be the kind of leader that people could count on. And ⁓ know how it goes, you ⁓ up early. before everyone can either get into the office or get online, trying to get those couple of hours of uninterrupted time and catch up on the emails, catch up on the requests, or even staying late when everyone else has gone home or staying logged in late. I even did things like do my normal family things and then clock in again before I went to bed, knowing that I was going to get up early in the morning and. beat everyone else again. So although I was being responsible and I was being dependable, I was getting the things done, I wasn't taking care of myself at all, until one day my body made the decision for me. So I hadn't been feeling that great but you know how we do it as women sometimes you know we power through it or we tell ourselves we're gonna slow down we're gonna get some rest this weekend or we're gonna set that boundary and do some self-care and we'll get to it later but we're okay we can make it happen. My daughters had been encouraging me to go see the doctor and I kept saying that I was gonna go and I didn't feel that it wasn't anything that couldn't wait. I got up that morning and I wasn't quite feeling like myself. And so I was like, okay, I'm gonna work on a couple of things and I'll go to the urgent care over my lunch break. Well, just as I was getting ready to go tell one of my daughters who had decided to stay home that morning that that was my plan, I got to the door of her room and collapsed ⁓ I the movement on the left side of my body. My blood pressure spiked so high that I ended up in the hospital and they thought I was having a stroke. I remember being in the ambulance and hearing the chatter around me and them asking me to lift my leg and taking me through the movements ⁓ hearing the word stroke thinking of my father who had ⁓ passed just ⁓ five prior from an aneurysm. ⁓ And I remember laying there thinking, how did it get this far? Thankfully, it wasn't a stroke. I went through a series of testing and they couldn't see any damage to my brain. They did some extensive testing. I went to everyologist that you could think of and they really couldn't find cause for why I was having these stroke symptoms. ⁓ ⁓ ⁓ a lot of weakness when I returned home, ⁓ I had to take two weeks off. And my daughter, my oldest daughter, she's my biggest supporting champion. She went into mama bear mode and she called my job and was like, she's taking time off. She won't be there. ⁓ and plighter words, basically find someone else to do it or PTO prepare the others. But as I was lying in bed, to recover for weeks, ⁓ Instead of feeling supported, I felt guilty. I felt guilty for stepping away, guilty for not being available, guilty for needing rest. And what made it even harder during those two weeks was realizing how alone I felt in that moment. Because I had seen what happened when others needed support my I saw emails. ⁓ that would ask us to donate to mill trains emails to ask us to donate for gift cards for the family and ⁓ e-cards that were going out and people would show up but for me didn't happen ⁓ were no emails ⁓ support ⁓ even a simple gesture like a plant There was just the obligatory text, just checking on you, ⁓ quick call. Wanted to see how you're doing, but question, ⁓ when were you coming back? Don't worry about it, don't rush it. Just needed to know so I could tell your other manager, you know, so we know long we need to have someone cover for you. And that was a moment I couldn't ignore. Because started to realize I had given so much of myself to a role ⁓ when I needed something back, ⁓ was nothing there to meet me. ⁓ I didn't understand at that time is that as especially high achieving women. We are often praised for how much we can carry, how dependable we are, how strong we are, how much we can hold without breaking. But no one teaches us how to recognize when that strength is costing us our health, our peace, or even our sense of self. So if you're listening to this and you've ever felt like you had to push through when your body was telling you to slow down, you felt guilty for resting, or you realize the support you give isn't always the support you receive, I want you to hear this clearly. You are not wrong for needing care. You're not weak for needing rest. and you are not less of a leader because you chose yourself. So if I have to be transparent, that experience changed me. It made me start asking different questions about leadership. Not just how can I be better at my role, but it started me thinking about what is this costing me to maintain. And not only what is it costing me, even at times when I recognize the cost, why was I willing to pay the price? Where did I learn as a woman that this was the necessary cost to pay? And where did I learn? that the cost of giving up pieces of me was worth it. I want to leave you with this. ⁓ is it costing you to be the woman everyone depends on? And is that cost one you're still willing to pay? ⁓ You don't have to keep proving your strength at the expense of your well-being. And you don't have to navigate that alone. I want to leave you with... ⁓ I close. what did it cost you to be the strong one? ⁓ as I said, is that a precious delusion? ⁓ Dear diary, I'm choosing a different way to lead. I'm warning you that I can lead and still take care of myself. and that the next version of me doesn't have to carry it all alone. Until next time, this is Shafiya Kabir, owner of The Hilled CEO, and I'll see you in the next episode.