DELTON DEAL: Hey guys, welcome back to Yavage Devon. This is the space where we talk about real life, real loss, and the things that we carry that most people never see. No filters, no pretending, just truth. Now, today's episode is personal, more personal than anything I've shared, maybe even ever. It's time to talk, and I mean really talk, not the surface level conversation. Not the I'm good response that we give when we really don't feel like explaining ourselves. I'm talking about that kind of truth that sits heavy on your chest, the kind you avoid, the kind that takes years, maybe even decades, to say out loud. Now, for me, it's been 35 years, 35 years of carrying something that shaped me without ever really sharing it. And if I'm being honest. I don't even know if I've ever really processed it, not fully. People like to say time heals all wounds, time heals all things. I don't know if I believe that. I think time teaches you how to carry it differently. I think time can give you a process in which to function. But here's what I know for sure: silence doesn't heal it. Avoidance doesn't heal it. Pretending it didn't change you. Definitely doesn't heal it. So, this right here, this right now, is simply me choosing to stop being silent. Now, you might be wondering, why now, after all this time, why put something so personal out into the world? You know, why not just keep it private? And the truth is, I've asked myself that a thousand times. As I looked at starting this conversation, this podcast conversation with you, I want it to have some real truth. And I want you to understand my perspective. Now, the answer isn't simple, it's not even clean. I've got mixed feelings about it. Part of me still wants to keep it locked up. But another part of me knows there's value in letting it out. Not just for me, but for somebody listening. As somebody could be you. Because here's the thing. This isn't this isn't about a pity party. This isn't about sympathy. I don't need that. That's not what this is about. For me, this is about a release. This is about something. Just showing that telling your truth, no matter how long it's been, no matter how long it's been buried, can be cathartic. Even if it's messy, even if it's uncomfortable, even if you don't have all the answers, and we're not gonna get answers today. I don't want to pretend. We're just gonna look into ourselves and say, can we have a conversation about what we bury and how it affects us? And this is hard. Make no mistakes. If you want to know how hard it is for me. Just look at my family structure. I've married 30 years, have six kids, 13 grandkids, a whole circle of people who just love me deeply and I love deeply and who would support me unconditionally. Yet I've barely told them the story, maybe once. And even then, wasn't that full version? It was edited, watered down, sanitized. Because that's what we do, right? We think we're protecting people. We give them a safer version of the truth. But what we're really doing is holding back part of ourselves. And over time, that creates distance. Now, if I wanted to really find someone to have this conversation with that happened 35 years ago, I'm the youngest of five boys. I could find that right here because they went through the exact same thing I did when our mother passed. They understand exactly what I've gone through. They understand exactly what my pain is because they've done the same thing I've did. We've barely spoken about it over 35 years. Now, I made that choice a long time ago. Just deal with it yourself. And for a while, I really kind of viewed that as strength, right? Handle it yourself. Don't burden anyone else. Keep moving, keep functioning, keep producing, because that's what I do. And I functioned well at that. And to be fair, it worked for me, at least, at least on the surface. But underneath, There were things that were unresolved. Because when you process everything alone in your own mind, you don't get feedback. You don't get another perspective. You don't get someone helping you move from one stage to the other. And what happens, at least what happened for me, you just stay stuck longer than you need to. And I don't even know if I realize that, right? I don't even know if I realize that I'm stuck in a way, but there's always those times when a flower blooms or a song comes on that you're right back in that spot. And let me tell you what comes up with that spot. Let's talk about something that I surely don't like to talk about, but or to admit, anger. Not the small kind. I'm talking about the deep-rooted anger, the kind that feels justified. The kind that makes you want to act, the kind that makes revenge feels reasonable. Revenge feels like justice. Now I've been there. I lived there for a long time. There was a time when I wasn't thinking about healing. Hmm. Yeah, I I was thinking about, I wasn't thinking about forgiveness. I was thinking about balance and making something even. And yeah, I went even for I'm a Second Amendment guy. So I went as far as, you know, buying a gun, not for protection, not for sport, but for something much darker, much more sinister than that, because that's how deep and painful this phone call was that I received. I'm not sure I was thinking at all. And it's a hard thing to say out loud, but it's truth. That's where I was mentally. That's how far the pain had pushed me. There was a lot going on. And, you know, I talked to my mother. Every day, good news, bad news, no news. But here's what I can tell you. something happened, and I can explain it perfectly, but it shifted everything. Call it grace, call it faith, call it a moment of clarity. But my better judgment showed up. And at the moment that would have defined everything didn't happen. Sometimes when things don't happen, everything happens. And that day, that time period, nothing happened. It changed everything because if I had acted, I wouldn't be here telling this story. My life would have taken a completely different path, not for the better. Mm. So what I know is Sometimes the pain we live through, we try to find places to put it or we try to handle it alone. There has to be a lesson in this, right? The lesson for me is take a breath. Take a pause. Take a breath before you speak. Take a breath before you react, before your emotions decide for you. Because in those few seconds, you can change the outcome of everything you've been working for. You can change the outcome just by letting your emotions decide for you. We've got to learn to move with compassion, not just for others, but for ourselves and maybe more so for ourselves. Because healing isn't just about what you give. It's also about what you allow yourself to receive. Because grace goes both ways. Now, you know, I want to be clear. There's nothing easy about having a conversation about something so deep. And as you may have noticed, the details are still somewhat sketchy. Yeah, and I I know it sounds good when you say be patient, you know, show grace, choose healing, but none of this happens without you being willing first to do the work, real work, uncomfortable work, honest work, the kind that forces you to look within. No excuses. you've got to find a way to change yourself. You've got to find a way to say, I'm willing to do the work to get from where I am to where I want to be. And I'm gonna encourage you, find help somewhere. I'm not a big therapy guy, so I'm not gonna sit here and tell you that I've reached out and I've gone and tried to reach that. But I know people need to talk and holding it in, we just build a barrier and we build resistance to what we're really trying to get to. So we start to hold ourselves back. We start to keep ourselves from moving forward and being stuck a long time. You gotta ask yourself, is it worth it? I don't think it is because I think we keep the people we love away from the people we love because we didn't share their successes and share their joys and share their memories as much as we could. Guys, I told you this was personal for me. and when you're speaking of something this close, it brings the pain back. But here's what I want to tell you. the path on the other side is worth it. It's never easy. I knew this would be a lot to unpack for me. And I hope it's been helpful for you. I hope it at least makes you look inside and say, are there things I'm holding back or things that I should talk about with somebody? Guys, this is just the beginning of the conversation you're going to have with your average Dalton. I'm glad you're here. If this episode touched you somewhere, if it made you think, please share with somebody. Please reflect on it. the only way I know you're listening if you're hitting a subscribe button, so please do so. And remember, the only sermon some people will ever hear is your life. Make it loud. Now every time I go through an episode, it kind of brings me to think about something or it brings a something to mind. So I'll leave you with this. They said there was a secret chord. David played and it pleased the Lord. You don't really care for music, do ya? Well it goes like this the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall and major live, the battle king composing hallelujah. Hallelujah. Hallelujah Hey guys, this is your average dome. Out.