Robyne Hanley-Dafoe: Welcome. I'm so glad you're here. Today's episode, I take a deep dive, some might call it a rant, in the notion of the difference between everything and enough. What does it mean truly to have enough? What does it mean to want everything? And how do we find a way to stick-handle the tension that is in between? Listen to this episode. I'm so glad you're here because I'm so curious about what your thoughts are on the difference between everything and enough. And I hope I can invite you to think about choosing what is enough for you this season of your life. Welcome. I'm so glad that you are here. How does this land for you? Maybe enough and being content with enough isn't where ambition ends. Maybe it's where desperation finally ends. Now I was reflecting and reading a journal entry that I wrote last year when I was mapping out my New Year's goals. Now you might be wondering, okay, Robin, it is like August. Why are you talking about New Year's goals? Well, to me, and I think many other households, and I know for sure a lot of educators, we think of New Year's as September, end of August, September. This is like the new year for many of us who are perhaps shuttling little ones back to school, or perhaps in education, you are back in the classroom as an educator. Or maybe you're in a similar boat as me and you are about to say and send off your littlest to post-secondary, which means all three of these kiddos are now in university. And we know that for many of us, September is a fresh start. Now, one of the things that I love to do is set goals. Obviously, as a behaviorist, I'm a huge fan of goals in the right way. I appreciate goals. I do prefer systems, but nevertheless, I always ensure that each quarter. I have something that holds me steady. Now, sometimes it could be more of an anchor, a characteristic or a trait that I'm trying to improve, or perhaps it's a lighthouse, somewhere I am heading towards something I want to achieve, something I want to accomplish. Or again, you get the idea. Nevertheless, I sat down this like today and I was looking at what did I think or what was I thinking about this time last year? Now, one of the reasons I love to do this exercise isn't so much that it keeps me on track or it keeps me accountable. Part of it is love, loves that it's like almost like this kind of a repository of like what was I thinking back then? So I like to revisit it from the perspective, not to say, okay, did I accomplish the big thing? I love that it's this running record of what I was thinking about this time last year. And that sentence that I shared right at the episode, at the beginning of this episode, was that. Maybe enough isn't where ambition ends, Robin. Maybe it's where the desperation ends. Now you might be curious, okay, what is that even about? At the time, I noticed in many different life areas, there was this sense of like chasing. Like I was trying to accomplish the next thing. I was working towards the next thing, both personally and professionally. And what dawned on me was that. I had done a lot of work before on the notion of hedonic adaptation, which is when we achieve the thing, but it doesn't feel very good or doesn't change us the way we thought it would, because it becomes the new normal or what is expected of us or what we're able to comfortably achieve, sustain, and maintain. So that's hedonic adaptation. Now let me give you another example. Think back to like that first big thing that you thought was going to be. The thing that solves all the things. Maybe it was a job, maybe it was a degree, maybe it was a relationship, or perhaps it even was something a bit more materialist. Maybe it was a car. It was like, ⁓ once I get that car, then I'm going to feel as though I've made it. And let's say, for example, you were able to achieve that thing, whatever your thing was. So in my case, let's use the example of the car. Okay, you got the car. And you know what? That day, that moment, it feels so good. Hundred percent. It is the finish line. It is the thing that you thought, ⁓ this is it. You get that dopamine cooking, some serotonin, some oxytocin, probably a little adrenaline. You have this amazing pharmacy of feelings and hormones in your body, and this feels great. And then you start driving it day in and day out. And all of a sudden it's like, yeah, you still love the thing, again, whatever the thing was, but you notice it isn't maybe quite the answer. To everything. Now that also could be a relationship. You get into a relationship thinking, okay, this is the relationship that will end all the other relationships. I will finally feel a sense of connection and belonging and be so in tune. And this person will be my everything. And then you get into that relationship, and yeah, there's definitely some great parts. And there's also these other parts where all of a sudden you're like, okay, this isn't quite what I had imagined. And we start to adapt. We start to adjust. Now, all this goes back to the idea that I noticed in different areas, again, personally and professionally, that there was a sense of, okay, you know, I just gotta get that first book out. And let me tell you, getting that first book out in the world and having it so well received. So side note, thank you to everyone who has picked up Calm Within the Storm, a pathway to everyday resiliency. That will always be like, ⁓ my goodness, I actually get to have a book in the world. And out of all the books in the world, you picked up mine, like I appreciate you and I see you and I say thank you. That book, Getting Out of the World, was such a big deal. And very shortly after that, people started asking me when's the next one gonna come out. And at the time, I never even actually thought about a second book. I was quite content with the first one. But as things tend to unfold, I started to have different ideas or shares or knowings that I wanted to share with other people. And something that I learned that doing it in a book format is really, really possible for me. And it's something I love to do, the process of researching and writing and sharing and creating. So all of a sudden, book number two. And don't get me wrong, book number two, super excited for that to be in the world. But again, you're probably catching the point. All of a sudden it's like, well, when is the when when are you gonna make the trilogy? When is the third one gonna come? As you see, as I'm hoping you're picking up what I'm putting down here is that it's always this kind of sense of more. So that sentence, I promise I'll get to my point about maybe enough isn't this place where ambition ends. Because I thought if I was content, if I was like deeply happy with what I achieved, then I wasn't using my skills and my gifts and the tools that I'd come upon and were gifted if I just stopped using them. And this notion that and like I I wanted to be growing, I wanted to be learning, I wanted to be optimizing, I I wanted to just keep going. Because I felt that I'm supposed to. I again I have I have my health, I have energy, I have support, I have knowledge, I I gotta do my part and keep showing up. And then all of a sudden I I started to wonder, okay, well, when is enough enough? And even just that notion enough, I thought, ⁓ if I said this is enough, like I'm content, like this is good enough, that I was somehow. Doing a disservice to my family, doing a disservice to my gifts, doing a disservice to people around me. So I just kept going and going. And then I realized that, well, the reality is that I can keep kind of striving for everything. And the reality is, is that's going to leave someone myself, I'm speaking about here, feeling as though I'm in a perpetual game of chase. of acquisition and I I don't want to be in that place. Intuitively I know that's not healthy. I know it's not sustainable. And where is that place between enough and everything? And feeling as though that tension can be loosened in this idea that enough is good enough. And even that notion, like I remember growing up that language, hey, that's good enough. Let me tell you, wasn't good enough. Even just using that language, like we don't like good enough isn't good enough. Like you have to always Do your best. Now, again, I appreciate that growing up in a in a family system and in culture that says, like, and you know, good enough is not a something that we do. We don't we don't talk like that around here. I appreciate that it was very motivating. It definitely gave me a solid work ethic. And it also has created some confusion in this 47-year-old woman about good enough. Like, what is enough? So One of the things that I spent energy last year thinking about is what is my enough point in particular areas of my life and also recognizing that maybe using a business model, for example, that if I was able to deliver a hundred meaningful keynotes where I was able to be of service and I could help, maybe a hundred, that would be enough. That I didn't have to try and chase, you know, triple-digit numbers that a hundred keynotes a year, like that would be enough. That would be plenty. of income coming in. That would be ⁓ me opportunity of like being of service enough. So, you know, you start to create these like guardrails around what enough is. And that's why I shifted my thinking around maybe enough isn't where ambition ends. Maybe it's where the desperation or that that chasing, that hustle, do, achieve, perform, maybe that's where I can lay that to rest. Now interesting, there are many people I speak to Who talk about that they feel that tension as well. That wanting more isn't the problem. The problem is needing more to feel like we are enough. Needing to achieve, to prove, to feel worthy of the gifts and the opportunities that we have. That this idea that the issue really is, is that it's the needing more to feel like we are enough. So I took a deeper dive into this and this is some of the work that I've been thinking about is what are the kinds of enough? There's having enough, I believe, which is what do I actually need? There's doing enough, what have I done enough of? And then there's being enough. Having enough, doing enough, and being enough. And then recognizing the trap of everything. The idea is who I am, who am I without the accomplishments, the possessions, or the proof or the evidence that I am able to do these things or I'm using my gifts and my talents in a worthwhile way. Now, why hard and or the notion of like enough and everything is hard is that our very nature is designed to be in a place where we are always adapting. Like imagine our ancestors, and this is where hedonic adaptation comes in. Imagine our ancestors like chased down that buffalo and then they they had it and they feasted and they're like, okay, that's good enough. We're good. That's enough. We don't need anymore. We never have to go out on a hunt again. The the community would starve. We have to have some people within a group that have a restlessness of of seeking. That restlessness that's required, that kind of like that wee little spark, that fire that gets you like, no, no, like I gotta go figure out something else or I need something else. Now it's easy to, you know, wrap that in with the notion of, well, that's just a trade of ADHD. It's that impulsivity, but from an evolutionary perspective, we needed people in our communities to have the restlessness to be able to keep striving, to keep seeing, is there a better way or a different way for us to be able to. look after ourselves. Now, the other thing that's quite interesting and this other idea that kind of butts up to this, and this is what I find fascinating when you do get a chance to like go back and look at some of your thinkings and and your knowings and your even just your kind of stumblings through thoughts, is on the other side, on the other page. So I have this one about enough and ambition and maybe that desperation, that restlessness, maybe that can relax, maybe can just untether myself from those pulls. So on that page, that's what it's all about. But on the accompanying page, the page next to it, it talked about this notion of comfortable and this idea that there's this like crisis of comfort that I was witnessing. And this idea that we are just so comfortable for our own good. We're so safe for our own good. It's like even when there is the slightest irritant, the slightest delay, the slightest issue that creates discomfort, our impulse, that restlessness, is to get rid of it. Right. It's it's to get rid of it. It's as if everything is like that mosquito in the tent, where a mosquito is not really that big of a deal, but in a tent at nighttime, it can become all consuming. So when there's even the first sign of discomfort, or in some cases hard, or in some cases, like big feelings that we might not want to process, all of a sudden it's like, quick, how can I get rid of these? So some of us ignore an override. Other people sit and process the thing, other people just increase the threshold. Of how much they can tolerate their tolerance or what they can withstand. Now, how these two ideas are like coming together in my idea right now, my mind right now, is that that desperation, wanting to get rid of it, it's because I don't want to be chasing, I want to be satisfied, even though pretty much all of humanity talks about the fact that we will never be satisfied. Mick Jagger was not wrong with his song. And even if you you know, take from Hamilton, the musical, if you take from ⁓ even the musical, if we're on that train thinking about the greatest showman, never enough. Like when do we become satisfied? And there's a discomfort with not being satisfied, which becomes the thing we want to get rid of. So we try to keep getting more and more. Okay, at this point, I hope you are still with me in this thinking. That is 14 minutes of just like, okay, what's the point? Totally reasonable question to be asking. Let's look at it this way if that feeling of desperation, of chasing, doing, earning my worth, that idea of having enough, doing enough, being enough, if that's creating a discomfort. And if we pair that up with the crisis of comfort that we just want to be comfortable all the time. Perhaps there's something there that will help us see how we are able to find a sense of enough and not have that propensity to feel pulled or the distress of of chasing. Now, what I mean by that is that I do believe there is a place, a satiation point, where we can be content with our circumstances. And I do believe the secret ingredient, the perspective shift I invite you to think about is that we live in a world that constantly is moving the line of what enough is. It is this tension of like, I need this to feel as though I am enough. Now, what I'm stumbling upon and bringing these thoughts together is enough isn't a number. It is not number like, okay, those hundred keynotes, that is enough. It's a decision. It is decision where you decide that this is enough for me. Now it is helpful to have maybe a wee bit of a number. So we do know what our set point is. And it could be deeper than that, that I'm able to experience a sense of content with what I have right now, being able to put my focus on what I have versus what I don't have, putting my focus on what I can control. versus what I cannot control. And even just take a moment thinking about where you're at, I I would argue the vast majority of you listening. And you wouldn't be listening to personal development, professional development if you didn't have that curiosity. And what I think about this is the reality is that there was a season that you were wishing for what you have right now. You were praying for it. You were working toward it. You were Eye on the horizon toward it. There was a time with what you have right now in your life. If your 20-year-old self could see where you were today in this moment, they would be like, damn, you did good. Like this is insane. I can't believe you got all these, you've been able to achieve this. You've able to have these experiences. You've made these memories. You've made these connections. Gosh, that you've weathered these heartbreaks, that you were able to build and co-create this future. Like your 20-year-old self would be blown away with what you've accomplished. And go farther even back, your five-year-old self, your five-year-old self. Imagine like you kind of just were right outside your playground. That five-year-old self would be holding the chain link fence, looking through and being like, ⁓ my gosh, when I grow up, I want to be her. She's out there doing her thing, whatever that might be. It's like what's so remarkable is that what we have right now. For many of us, probably at one point felt like there's no way it could get that good. Or it could be that that special, that meaningful, that that deep. So the invitation, the first and foremost, is this idea that it's a decision that we recognize that we've already done a lot. We've already accomplished, we've already achieved. And the big idea that I love to frame all of this around is the notion. You will never have enough of what you do not need. Damn, I'm gonna say that one again because it gets me every time. You will never have enough of what you do not need. How powerful is that? So the invitation is to think about: well, what is it that I actually need? And when people go through hardships, when people go through difficult seasons, change, transition. They often experience radical clarity on what it is that really matters, what it is that they can't live without, so to speak. So the invitation is that I don't want people to have to learn that lesson because they've gone through something. What what a gift it could be to come upon that insight, that knowing without having to experience just immense loss or hardship. And I think it could still be sweet. Right. You can still have the richness of a lesson of insight of wisdom without necessarily having to get battered and bruised or go through a big storm. You're able to glean insights and wisdom. Now, maybe the lesson won't be like in your bones as it could be for somebody who's lived it, but we are designed to be vicarious learners, meaning that we can watch things and we can like figure things out by proxy. Right. So hypothetically, well, no, I don't think theoretically, I guess you could say, like, I've never actually touched a bonfire because I have seen other people get burned before by fire. So I know enough not to do that behavior because I've actually witnessed other people have experiences where they've been burned before. I didn't have to be burned myself to know that I shouldn't do that. Now you could make the counter argument that yes, but you wouldn't learn how to swim by reading about it. True. But there are things that we are able to know without having to have directly experienced it ourselves. So let's say, even, you know, our from a for argument's sake, that we can like learn and the learning that we get from a vicarious perspective is even like 50% or 75%. My friend, that's better than nothing, right? So even if vicarious learning isn't as rich as lived experience, it's still Something. It is absolutely better than nothing. That being said, you can never have enough of what you don't need. So let's start thinking about what is it of having enough? What is that number in terms of what my needs are, in terms of not the number per se, like, okay, I need X amount in the bank to feel secure. Well, what what is the belief? Now let's take that notion. I need X amount in the bank to feel secure. A perspective shift. is I trust myself enough to be able to make more money. Wow, think about that. So instead of saying I will feel safe when I get this number in the bank account, what does it feel like in your body to say, I trust myself to be able to make more money? I trust myself to be able to use my resources and my networks to be able to ensure that I would be able to meet my financial obligations. So instead of saying this amount of money in the bank is going to make me feel safe. What we're doing is we're putting our trust in those beautiful skills and gifts and talents that have been bestowed upon you, that you have the opportunity to live every single day. Now let's play with another one. Like, once I get into the relationship and my partner is everything, all my needs will be met. What if you find a person that together that you have enough confidence that you are enough? For each other to be able to figure things out. Meaning that, you know what? I don't think anyone is meant to be everything to every person, but you trust each other enough that you'll grow, that you will learn, you will adapt, you will adjust, you will find ways again to co-create these big bright features. Now, what about doing enough? What does that look like? When I've actually done enough, well, the The notion of enough doing, it's it's life's work. We do, I believe, have an obligation to share our skills and our gifts and our talents with the world, but not at the cost of our own well-being, not at the cost of everybody else's needs are met, and it comes from a place of of depletion for you. You've probably heard that expression that you can't pour from an empty cup. You absolutely can. I believe mamas do that every single day. And I and I don't want you trying to give from the empty because what you're giving from is actually resources that you need for yourself. And that's not selfish, it's science. My invitation about doing enough is that it comes from a place of of the abundance. It comes from the overflow. It means that I am so well resourced, I'm grounded, I'm steady, I'm safe, I'm taken care of to the point. That I'm able to give freely versus I will give and give and do so I feel worthy of love. I feel worthy of earning my worth. Now the last one being enough. Who am I without my accomplishments? Who am I without these possessions or the proof? Well, you are exactly who you are designed to be, and you just existing is enough. You've been you've been chosen. You are here in this moment of time in the history of humankind. Like you are here right now. It is a miracle that you are here right now. And when people question, Am I enough or am I worth? The part that I often wonder about is, okay, next time you see an infant, a newborn baby. Okay, I want you to think about this. Is that baby less worthwhile because they can't perform, achieve? Do or hustle? Is that baby in the eyes of the mother loved any less because they haven't achieved anything yet? Or they haven't like earned their keep in humanity? They haven't earned their place, that they haven't kind of predetermined, like tried to figure out what their worth is? Absolutely not. No one, especially a mother, is not going to look at a newborn and says, Hey, once you graduate, then little one, I'm gonna love you extra. You know, once you do these things, once you've accomplished these things, once you've been able to possess all these extraordinary things, then I'm going to be able to love you. It's the same. And I wrote about this actually, I believe it was in Stress Wisely. I gave the example of when a child calls for help, we don't pause and wonder, well, okay, so imagine your kids out but in the backyard and they they call, Mama, I need help. It's not like, ⁓ I wonder if your room's clean. Because if your room's clean, then I'm going to come and help you. Right. If your kid falls, or if your kid's in danger, we don't question their behaviors to determine whether or not they deserve help or rescuing. It's something that because they're they're our our people, they're our family, we we just show up. We just do it. It's not about all the other criteria. I hope this is making sense. Now, the final question I want to ask you, and this is one I often ask myself am I moving towards something I value or am I trying to outrun the feeling. That I what I have isn't enough. Am I moving towards something I value or am I running away from a feeling? Or am I trying to ignore a feeling? The question is, is, you know, can I have it all? Everything? I don't actually think we want everything. I think there's something really special about determining what is enough for this season. What is enough for this season? I love the notion even like to get super practical. yesterday I went on this like massive like slash rage clean slash mama's sending Jackie to university clean. Like I don't even know what it was, but it was something and it was intense. And it was like four hours, like multiple times my garment is like, Hey, you good? Like you're in, you know, I think I hit like zone four cardio cleaning. And what was so remarkable in this moment, and don't get me wrong, I love a good cleaning purge. It's so cathartic for me. What I was thinking about is as I'm doing this and as I started to resettle and as I started to feel more resourced, because as I'm like cleaning, I find like my thinking starts to get clearer. So I'm like puttering and moving. And then I notice that's that that kind of my hands are busy, which gets me out of my head enough that the noise starts to settle. And then I start to have clarity. And then when you're like scrubbing away and you start to see the progress that you're making, I find my emotional health starts to get clear. And as I was doing that, I was thinking about what is enough in terms of like how clean is enough. And I had a moment where I decided that the baseboards on this part of the house were enough, that I would feel content and accomplished, not cleaning every single piece of baseboard in the house, that I decided that this is enough. That and what was so remarkable is when I decided, again, going back to the decision, when I decided, okay, this is enough. What happened is when I finished that part of the house, I felt that sense of completion. Like I gave myself an end point. I gave myself a finish line. And my friends, all of these seasons and that notion of enough, this isn't some big like ultra marathon where we wake up in the morning and go, go, go, and we pass out a night and we do it all again and we're gonna blink at September and then we blink again. It's June. I really invite you to think about take some key life areas. Maybe it's work. Maybe it's family. Maybe it is your environment. Maybe it is even your health. What is enough for this season? And you're not settling. You're not settling. It's not giving up. It's not taking a shortcut. It's recognizing that we are in this place where we're constantly encouraged to outperform, right? Do, hustle, achieve, go get this. And there is this precious place. When we take back the accountability and the agency where we say, This is enough this season, and to like enjoy it, bask in the sense of this is enough. And I assure you, having that practice done a calendar year ago, sitting there a calendar year in the future from that journal entry, looking at what's gone on, when I have got derailed, especially professionally. It's when I lost sight of enough and I was trying to do everything. And I'm so appreciative that that perspective shift of recognizing that this isn't about having to earn it, prove it, accomplishment. Do you know what? I had that sense of worthiness the day I got to come into the world. And everything else, it's just bonus. I hope there was an idea, a concept, a perspective. That landed with you today. Thank you for staying with me as I shared this idea on our episode of Perspective today. I hope it was useful. If you have any questions, wonderments, curiosities, please, please, please, gosh, I sound like Serena Carpenter again. Please, please, please, just ask. Just please reach out if there's an idea or something that feels like you're stuck and you're like, Robin, I just need, I just need a perspective. Like, I just want to just talk to that, like. Pull up to a buddy and be like, hey, what are your thoughts on this? I want to be that for you. So reach out. There's information in the show notes on how to do that. I see you and I appreciate you. And I hope you have a feeling of enough because it's a beautiful thing. Thanks for listening. Thank you for listening to this episode of Perspective. It means the world to me that you spent time listening. To this idea, these conversations. Now, if you have found something useful or helpful, please share it with someone else. Something that I know it means the world to me to know when something has landed and then you pay it forward. Another way you can support the podcast is to rate and review this podcast wherever you listen to podcasts. I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day. Thank you for listening. I appreciate you and I look forward to connecting again. Very soon.