Tom: Welcome to Inside My Head, the podcast. This is me trying to understand how my brain works in real time. ADHD, autism, and everything that comes with it. Usually by thinking out loud. Through work, through life, and sometimes through running. Where some thoughts are useful, some are questionable, and some probably should have stayed inside my head. Some episodes will be clear and some won't, but we'll figure it out either way. I'm Tom. Thank you for letting me be part of your day. Let's get into it. So yesterday, which will be Monday for you guys, because I'm recording this late on a Tuesday night because ADHD and recording this on time is a myth. And yesterday I posted about all the things that I've done recently, or what kind of feels like a little bit of a flop. And that post did quite well. And I think it resonated with a lot of people. So I thought it would be something that we should talk about. It's either quite funny or quite bleak that it performed really well and better than some of the stuff I actually put effort into, but I haven't decided that one yet. I think for me it was it was quite nice because it was a side of me that maybe I haven't shared a huge amount online and there things that I think about things that I think about myself, things that I think about how I'm getting on with life. And I think it's also important context for me to look back at these things and maybe put a little bit of reasoning behind them. Give myself a little bit of grace as to why I feel like these things are flops and why maybe it's okay that some of them are as they are. I think that everyone posts the finished thing or the the highlight. And there's definitely been a shift more recently around being a little bit more transparent and honest online. And that's something that I also want to do. I want to be honest with you guys when I'm feeling great and when I'm not and what's going on in my life. Because ultimately, like that's the authenticity. That's why I started this channel. That's why I started posting on Instagram to kind of hopefully. reach out to a younger version of me that also is feeling lost. And if I can help that younger person then I should and I can. So let's talk about the flops. Let's talk about what I posted yesterday. And let's talk about what I may be reflecting on. Or maybe what my therapists would say. The first one is that I'm the heaviest that I've ever weighed. I often kind of joke to myself that I'm a little piggy. and I think it's because my brother used to call me a little piggy. So now I think about myself as a little piggy when I'm being unhealthy. Now, this is true. I am the heaviest I've ever weighed. There is no debating that fact. It is a fact. Is my diet good at the moment? Well, yes and no. Yes, I'm eating my meal prep, and that's all quite healthy, so that's good. What I've lost control over is my desserts. So I was lactose-free for like must could be coming up to like eight years now. I was vegan for a bit, like four years. Anyway. I've recently, I say recently, maybe in the last twelve months, gone back to eating chocolate. And that is a problem because I can't stop. And I think if I'm honest, that's where a lot of this weight has come from. It's through eating bags of Maltesers and chocolate bars and thinking that that's acceptable. Now, yes, I take blame for that and and and also recognize that. But I also think it's worth recognizing that what makes me want to eat chocolate? Like what is the thing that's like, you should get a bar of chocolate tonight? And I think a lot of that is stress related. When I'm stressed or overwhelmed or overworked, my way of relaxing. is some Maltesers. I think that's okay. If we put it in the context of this year, I've done a lot of travelling. That's stressful. I got a new job, very stressful. Great, but stressful. I'm trying to do more things outside of my comfort zone, like social media and podcasting and mentorship of people who want to come and work in sports and all these different things. And I got lazy with my food. Now, I could sit here and beat myself up and go, you're big fatty and that's rubbish and blah blah blah blah blah or I go, Okay, I've put on some weight. Let's now reset. Let's have a think about how we get back to how we were. And I think that's okay. Yes, I'm the heaviest I've ever weighed. Yes, some of the trousers that I try on don't fit me anymore. But they also used to be really baggy. Some of them. They're not baggy anymore. But we can get them to being baggy again. Like that is possible. I also think it's important to reflect on those trousers that were baggy. I wasn't happy. Like, yes, those trousers fit me. But if I look at the person, Tom, that existed when those trousers were baggy, that Tom wasn't happy. That Tom wasn't enjoying life. I'd say I'm having a pretty good time at the moment. We're doing lots of new things, we're you know, I I'd say we're in a pretty good space at the moment. We're in a job that we really enjoy. So I think it's important to recognise that. The second flop is around running. And this one I think is a little bit more complex. Running used to save me. And what I mean by this is like running used to be the thing that I did that stopped all the noise and that gave me peace and that made me feel good. And now I just don't enjoy doing it. And that's a problem. That is a problem. And it really hurt. And it's hurting now. Because when I had a load of surgery, and if you're new around here, I'll give you the really quick overview. Over the last like five years, I've broken both my legs on purpose to straighten them through different surgeries. The last surgery I had, I then nearly lost my leg because it went badly wrong and blah blah blah. I lost all the muscle in my leg. Anyway. We're back to running, everything is fine. But over the periods where I couldn't run because I was recovering from the surgery, I really missed running. But now I feel like I'm bored of it and it's not giving me the same levels of joy that it used to. Now that could be twofold, right? That could be that it's because I've got lower energy, because I'm working too much. It could be because it's all I've done for the last few years, and I'm a I'm about to go into my second marathon of the year, and maybe I'm just a bit tired about of it, and like that's also okay. But I think it's definitely something that I need to think about because maybe it's something that I need to put running on pause and really get into gym and high rocks training. Maybe that's my angle, if you like. I don't know. But there's probably something in your life as well that you used to do and you really enjoyed and now you don't do because it you don't enjoy it anymore. And I think that's okay. Now I'm not saying that I'm not gonna run again, but I'm saying right now I have a difficult relationship with running. And let's not kid ourselves. I've always had a difficult relationship with running because I was overweight as a kid. Running got me to lose that weight. I never loved running when I was younger. And then I got into a point where I loved running. Then I had all the surgery. Then I loved running again. And now we are where we are. So it's just part of the cycle. So that's the second flop. The third is is tricky. The third is tricky. This is a tricky one because I'll read it. I have the smallest number of friends that I've ever had. This is true. This is true, and it's really hard because this is in no way me slagging off old friends. And it's weird to call them old friends because they were friends until recently, but now I think they're old friends. And I'm gonna explain it a little bit. So I have a whole load of friends from school, and we were close through school, and then we went on holidays together, and After uni we all stayed in touch and every Christmas we hang out, etcetera. I would say the last couple of years, I felt like I'm putting in more effort, but maybe not getting it back. And that's also, by the way, totally fine. You know, totally, totally fine. Because people change and people move on. And, you know, these people live in different parts of the country, and I live in London. And naturally you drift, right? However, I think the time has come, and the time came a few months ago, that I think I was just getting more upset that I was still trying and not really getting anything back. So I decided to remove myself from that situation. So I left the group chat. And then I learned through a friend of mine that no one really realized I'd left the group chart. And then they said, like, is everything okay? But they said it's this other person. At no point was I asked. And again, I want to be super, super clear. This is not me having anything against this group of friends. Like, I appreciate them all. We had some really great times together. I'm also not saying that we're not still friends. I just don't think we're close anymore. And I think that's okay. And I think I want you to know that it's okay for things to change. Leaving that group of people. That's my only group chat, by the way, of friends. Like that's my only one. I know loads of people have loads of group chats and like WhatsApp's so annoying because I have so many friend groups. I don't. So leaving that one was like a big deal. Being in a group chat was a big deal for me, right? Having a group of friends in one group chat was like this thing that I never had when I was younger. And I'd left that thing. Now, if you're not neurotypical, if you're not neurodivergent, I should say, maybe this sounds a bit nuts to you. But these are the little things, the little sense of belonging, the little connections that mean a big deal to us. Like for me being in a group chat was huge. And I've left it. So now you're probably thinking, or maybe the question that comes up is like, well, why did you leave it if you wanted to be in it? And I think I got to the point where I had to value myself more than the idea of being in a group chat, if that makes any sense at all. And what I mean by that is that it's important that I spend my energy and invest my time. in things that serve me. Now that's not saying that everything I do has to has to be selfish and can only serve me. But if I'm investing time into things and people where I don't feel like it's reciprocated and it's one way and it's one way all the time by the way, because it's totally fine for friendships to give and take. But if it's always one way and you never feel like you're getting it back on in in your way. Maybe it's time to have a look and see if that friendship is still for you. And there's a really interesting quote that I read, and I'm gonna quote the book again, The Five Types of Wealth. But it says that we have relationships, right? Romantic relationships. And those romantic relationships, they end, right? They end and they start and they end and they start. And we're kind of okay with that. As a society, we know that friendships end. sorry, we know that relationships end. And that is just one of life's stories. It's just one of the chapters in our book. But we never talk about friendship breakups. And what I would say is it's totally okay for friendships to come to an end. Or the type of friendship or the level of friendship to change and come to an end. Your friends were there Over a period of time, over a few chapters of your story. And then that chapter comes to an end. And I'm now at peace that that is part of my story. And I would encourage you to do the same. Sorry I rambled there a little bit. The next flop is that in three weeks I'm running a marathon and I am the most under prepared for this marathon I have ever been for a marathon. This will be my sixth marathon. And I don't feel good for it. Why don't I feel good for it? My training has been average to poor at best. my diet's been okay. My training runs have been pretty average. My consistency has been poor. And at the face of it, you go, why why didn't you commit to your training? Why didn't you do more? Why didn't you stick to your schedule better? I think it's important and this is more of a self-therapy session now, but I started a new job. So in this training block, I started a new job. I went to Two, three, four, five different countries. did a world championships with work, have been learning a new job, have been scaling a team, have been building process, have been trying to do more stuff on Instagram, have been really submerging myself in work. And therefore I haven't done as much training as I maybe should have done. And I think that's okay. And I think that's okay because what it's allowing me to do is be a little bit more relaxed about the marathon. The marathon is actually just an excuse to go to Australia and New Zealand. That is all. That is the only reason that we're doing it. It's a cool experience. It's meant to be fun. I think it's really important we remember that. So I don't have my life put together. I don't even think it looks like I do online. And I just think that we need to recognise that yeah, we might call them flops or reality or whatever. But it's fine. It's fine for things to not go to plan. It's fine for you to feel a bit low at points in the year. It's fine for you to put on some weight. It's fine for you to move on from friendships. It's fine to feel underprepared for something. If I don't dip my toe into new things, if I don't challenge myself to do things, I'll never know if it's a good idea or not. I'll never know if it's something that could change my life. If I'd never posted on social media, we wouldn't be having this conversation. I'd never have got the opportunities that I've got. I'd never have had the conversations that I've had with you guys. about how neurodiversity and autism and ADHD impacts you. And ultimately that is the most important thing. I think it also makes a difference because I'm neurodivergent. I do think failing lands differently with us. When you spend most of your life quietly suspecting you're getting things wrong or doing things the wrong way or doing things the way that other people aren't doing, I think it it makes a big difference. Because pre diagnosis, right? Every flop wasn't that didn't work. It was evidence, evidence that I wasn't good enough, evidence that the bullies in school were right, evidence that my hockey coach, my P teacher were right, that I was too slow or too fat. Rejection sensitivity is a word that you hear a lot now, and without using it as a buzzword. I want to kind of describe the feeling instead. It's a small thing not working. But your whole nervous system responds like something serious has happened. And I want you to think about this and and a lot of you guys and you know, you'll recognise and you'll be like, Yeah, this happens to me all the time, right? I've learned to get quite good at this rejection sensitivity piece. So I'll give you an example. Last week I was meant to go for a 25k run. I ended up doing eight. Previously, that would have thrown me off rejection sensitivity. Something didn't, a small thing didn't work, but my whole nervous system responded like something serious had happened. Now I go, it just wasn't meant to be. Because I had a busy week at work, I'd I'd worked late nights, I wasn't like I hadn't had the right fueling, I was tired, so it was okay. I'm not very good at this in a work environment. So if someone says to me, like a small thing at work wasn't right, I take that really personally. And I think this also stems a lot from school. When I got something wrong at school, that was like a really big thing for me. And I would feel really stupid about it. And it comes down to what we were saying earlier around the you're building that narrative against yourself when you've kind of had to be in school suspecting you're getting things wrong. Because other people do things in different way, all of these things build on top of each other. And masking comes into this as well. You get very, very good at showing people the things that worked. Because if you had did the failed things, then it'd feel like they'd give you away. And masking, and I think this is one that we maybe talk about in a future episode, just on masking. But I kind of quite like masking because it means that I can go into a room and perform. I know that you can put me in an environment, and as long as I'm ready for it, I can put on the mask and I can dance to that room. And that's not me being me. That's not Tom being Tom. It's not Tom being someone else. It's still Tom being Tom. But it's just a version of Tom that no he knows will be successful in that environment. Recently I started speaking to A friend of mine who is also autistic and has ADHD and what made me what I'm realising anyway, and I just sent her a video about this exact topic. I feel like I can be totally myself around her. We finish each other's sentences, we think the same things, and it's really been incredibly freeing and so comforting that that's been pre-magical, really. Anyway, that's a sidebar. For a long time, I didn't avoid failing. I avoided being seen failing. And they're totally different problems, but I treated them exactly the same. Now let me like explain this little bit more. I would spend way longer on something because I wanted to make sure it worked or it would be perfect. Because I hate failing. Now the way that that shows up is let's say I've got a presentation that I need to deliver at work. I would script that presentation, I would test it, I would do a whole run through, I would make sure the animations work, I would plan every single question that could possibly be asked, and I would have my answer ready. That was planning to be avoiding being seen failing. So what this means is that, and I want you to try to work with me on this because it might not make it might not be super clear because I'm still trying to map it out in my head. but the diagnosis doesn't stop you from flopping, right? I'm still gonna flop, I will flop, whatever. But it changed what the flop meant. It went from being something like something's wrong with me. I can't run at the same level that I used to, or I can't stay focused on this task, or why do I leave that to the last minute? Something's wrong with me, to it's okay because that particular thing just doesn't suit how my brain works. Cool, noted. I'll remember that for next time. And what we've done there is we've shifted. it from something's wrong, a negative version, a negative self-talk to a learning experience. That didn't suit how my brain works. Okay, no stress. Let's figure out a way that it does suit how my brain works. So I still flop constantly. But I stopped filling and like categorizing those flops under personal failure. Because they're not. They're all learning opportunities. It's like Bob Ross says, is it Bob Ross, the painter? I think it is. He says they're happy accidents. And that's how I see my flops. They're happy little accidents to understand a new version of me, a new a new way that my brain works and an opportunity to learn for next time. I also want to talk about a little bit before we wrap up because I know I've kept you for way too long already, but I waffled and rambled and I'd love your feedback on if this has been helpful or useful or interesting. But I want to talk a little bit about comfort zones. Because I think this is something that especially the autistic side of my brain really loves right being in the comfort zone. But the ADHD side of my brain hates being in the comfort zone. You can't have flops or failures or or learning opportunities unless you've been trying things. And we should try things, right? We should. Now, when people say, you need to get out of your comfort zone, that that is a lot more difficult for a neurodivergent brain. Because anything that's novel, novelty, that's expensive. the same friend of mine that I've been talking to about autism, she has a really great analogy, which is Neurotypical people, I'm gonna butcher it, but neurotypical people have a bank balance, right? Of their energy. And they check their bank balance every now and again and they know exactly where it is at all times. So they spend it as they want, and then they wait and they they wait for it to read, you know, to get for payday, and they never really go into their overdraft, unless maybe they have to, because they're going on a night out, but they know they're going into their overdraft, so it's super clear. Neurodivergent people. We know there's a bank balance, but we don't get to see it. We don't get to see it. And it can go very quickly or it can last a long time. And we have an overdraft. But we won't know we're going into the overdraft until our overdraft is very full. And then all of a sudden we can't move or can't operate because we've we've got no money to spend. We've got no energy left to spend. And I think that describes really well the get out of your comfort zone dilemma where novelty is expensive, new environments, new people, unpredictable plans, all of that stuff costs energy. Energy that neurotypical people don't necessarily have to spend to the same level of same level of neurotypical neurodiverse people, right? I'm not saying that if you're neurotypical, meeting new people and going to new environments doesn't zap your energy. It definitely will do. It's just the level to which it does that. So when people say get out your comfort zone, they're picturing a little bit of nerves, right? They're thinking, it's just a little bit of of nervous energy. For me and for us, it's actually about s knowingly spending energy that you might need later on something that might not work. Does that make sense? I hope so. It's about spending that energy knowingly that you might need later. So it's let me try and put it into an example for you. So Let's let's go a work social, okay? Hey Tom, do you wanna come for drinks after work? Okay. there's gonna be a few friends there. We're going to this new pub down the road. Cool. So it's a new pub with people that I don't know, but it's work, people that I do know and do like. Not really sure where we're going, what time we finish, or what we're doing. Like, what's the point of us going? What are we talking about? Is it work? Is it not work? I'm not sure. Okay. Now I could go to this thing. I could spend that energy. My energy's already quite low because we've had Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and it's a Thursday night that we're going for these drinks, and therefore my energy is already quite low. Now I do have Friday, but then Saturday I'm meant to go for a run, and we do need some energy left over there. I'm not really sure how much energy we've got. I don't think I'm gonna go for these work drinks because that's gonna eat into my Friday, Saturday, Sunday energy, and I think I might need that later. Now I'm so conscious I've just talked there, but that's the decision making process that I would go through in that environment. And I think it's really important we recognise that, that this get out your comfort zone isn't just about a couple of nerves. It's about understanding the energy that you might need later. So if any of this sounds familiar, I've got a few things that have really helped me that I'd love to share with you. I want you to think of something that didn't work recently. And I don't want you to think of a specific thing like, that didn't work. I'm a failure. I want you to think about why it didn't work. I didn't go to those work drinks. Because I've worked really hard this week and just needed to prioritize myself. Incredible. Look at that growth. You've just said to me that you've foregone social plans because you need to look after yourself. A year ago you wouldn't have said that. You wouldn't have said that I need to prioritize myself. I need to rest. you'd have gone and you'd be burnt out. So that's how I want you to look about look at these things. I also want you to write down when you do something new or you go into a new environment, new experiences. I want you to write down, like, I don't enjoy that. Or write down what you learned. I actually did quite enjoy that, but for the last hour or two, it kind of dragged. So maybe if I did it for an hour or two and then left, that would be great. Incredible. I think it's important that we note these things down because one, we forget. And two, that's real information about yourself that's definitely worth having. So that next time you're maybe approached to do something, you can check your notes. That's allowed, by the way. You're you're allowed to do that. And go, okay, well, the last time that I went to something like this, here's what I wrote down immediately afterwards. I really enjoyed that. Okay. Well, I'm feeling a bit down at the moment. So maybe I go do that because last time I did it, I really enjoyed it. Right? The final one. Do new things, okay? But after doing the new thing, give yourself a recovery window. Schedule it in. They're together, they come as a pair. New thing, recovery window. It's not a reward. It's a necessity. Schedule it in. and post the flops occasionally. Talk about them. Turns out people like them way more than the wins anyway. Which hey, I'm choosing not to take personally. Okay guys, I'm gonna leave that one there before I start overthinking it. If any of that made sense, then amazing. And if not, that's okay. We will try again next time. Take care of yourself and don't be too hard on your own brain. If you got something out of this, the best thing you can do is hit follow or subscribe wherever you're listening. It genuinely helps me more than you'd think, and it means that you won't miss the next episode. If you want more of this, I'm on Instagram and TikTok at Tom underscore Gilding, where I talk about ADHD, autism, running, and everything in between. Come say hi, I read everything, even if it takes me and my brain a little while to reply. Thank you for listening to the Inside My Head podcast. And thank you for letting me be part of your day. Until next time, take care of yourself. And more importantly, take care of each other.