Gabriella Pomare: Welcome to Before It Breaks with Gabriella Pomare. This is not the first episode. This is a note before we begin. A small opening of the door before season one starts. Because before I take you into conversations about quiet quitting, emotional load, motherhood, divorce, co-parenting, family breakdown, communication, children, guilt, grief, anger, resentment, repair, and rebuilding. I wanted to sit here first and tell you why this podcast now exists. And I wanted to do it in a way that feels honest and human and not overly polished because I think so much of what this podcast will explore lives in the places people usually try to make look neat from the outside. You know, the family photo that still looks beautiful, the house that still runs, the children who get to school, the couple who can still stand next to each other at a birthday party and smile. and the mother who still remembers every uniform, every appointment, every permission slip, every birthday present, every emotional shift in the household. The parent who still turns up to work and answers emails, makes dinner, replies to the school, pays the bills, and then lies awake at night wondering how long they can keep holding everything together. That is where this podcast begins. Not at the dramatic end, not at the legal filing. Not at the moment someone moves out. Not at the moment the wider world finally sees the fracture. But earlier, in the quieter place, in the private place, in the place where people are often still functioning, still smiling, still performing normality, while something underneath has already started to break. Because from the outside, people often see family break down as an event. They see the announcement. They see the separation. They see the children moving between two homes. They see the legal letters. They see the new parenting schedule and they see the property settlement. They see the new routine, the new house, the new partner, the change in Christmas plans, the handovers, the awkward school events, the birthdays that now need to be shared, negotiated, survived. They see the aftermath, but they don't always see the before. They don't see the years of silence. They don't see the invisible load. They don't see the person lying awake beside someone and feeling completely alone. They don't see the person who feels like they have no idea how to get back into a family system that has been running without them emotionally for years. They don't see the resentment sitting under the words, I'm fine. They don't see the person who's asked so many times to be heard that eventually they stopped asking. And they don't see the emotional labor of keeping a family functioning while quietly wondering whether anyone would notice if you stopped. They don't see the child watching the room, reading the energy, sensing the tension, learning very early that adults can say everything is fine while their bodies are actually telling a completely different story. They don't see the school drop off after a fight. They don't see the text message that makes your stomach drop. And they don't see the moment you sit in the car a little longer because you cannot walk back into the house just yet. They don't see the first time someone thinks, I don't know if I can do this anymore. And so often, by the time someone says, I want to separate, or by the time someone walks into a family lawyer's office, the relationship didn't break that day. It broke long before. You know, it broke in the missed conversations. It broke in the moment someone tried to speak and was dismissed. It broke in the repeated feeling of being unseen. It broke in the exhaustion of carrying the family in your head and then being asked, just tell me what to do. It broke in the silence after another argument that never got repaired. It broke when one person became the manager, the memory, the emotional shock absorber, the calendar, the organizer, the default parent, the keeper of everyone's needs. And then they were told they were too sensitive, too controlling, too emotional, too much. It broke when love started to feel like labor. It broke when the person who once felt like home started to feel like one more person to manage. And it broke when someone stopped reaching. And sometimes it breaks before anyone has the language to name what is happening. And that's why this podcast is called Before It Breaks. I'm Gabriella Pomare. For those of you who don't know me, I'm a family lawyer. I'm the author of the book, The Collaborative Co-parent. I'm a speaker, media guest. I'm a mother. And most importantly, I am a co-parent. I have spent more than a decade sitting with families at the point where everything changes. I have sat with people who are angry, frightened, numb, relieved, devastated, confused, ashamed, defensive, exhausted. And sometimes all of those things at the same hour. I have sat with parents who love their children deeply, but who are so overwhelmed by their own grief and their own fear that they cannot always see what their children are carrying. I've sat with mothers who have been holding a family together for so long that they don't know who they are outside of the role of keeping everything moving. I've sat with fathers who suddenly realized that being a good provider was not the same thing as being emotionally present and who don't know how to repair that without becoming defensive. I have sat with people in parenting disputes, property settlements, relocation matters, financial control dynamics, family violence concerns, high conflict communication, blended family tensions, and the painful reality of trying to rebuild a life while still being required to communicate with the person who hurt them. And after all those years, I can tell you this, the legal problem is rarely only legal. Yeah, sure, there's court affidavits, orders, documents, letters, negotiations. Yeah, there are court dates, mediation dates, parenting proposals and financial schedules. But underneath all of that, there's usually a much deeper human story. There's fear, there's grief, there's control. There's loss, there's identity, there's shame, there's money, there's motherhood, there's fatherhood, there's childhood. There is the dream of what the family was meant to be. There's the reality of what it's become. And there's the desperate wish to protect the children even when the adults do not always agree on what that protection might look like. But most importantly, there is often a question sitting underneath it all. How did we get here? This podcast, this is my attempt to spend time with that question. Not in a blaming way or in a simplistic way, and not in a way that says one person is always right and one person is always wrong. Because real families are rarely that simple. There are circumstances where safety is the priority and boundaries are not optional. And there are circumstances where separation is necessary. There are circumstances where one person who has used power, money, silence, anger, intimidation or control in ways that have made that relationship unsafe. And there are circumstances where the kindest and safest person can do something for themselves and for their family. and that might just be to leave. But there are also circumstances where two people slowly drift into patterns they never consciously chose. Where resentment grows because no one had the tools to speak early enough, repair honestly enough, listen deeply enough, or respond differently enough before the damage became too heavy. And this podcast is about all of that. You know it, the complexity, the grey, the emotional truth, the patterns, the quiet beginning of the break and the possibility of doing something different. Because I've also seen families rebuild. I have seen parents learn to communicate differently. I've seen people who once could not get through a single text exchange without escalating, eventually create a calmer, more structured way of communicating. And I have seen people pause before they react. I've seen mothers find their voice again years, years later, after swallowing their own needs time and time again. And I have seen fathers step into a really present role. when they stopped seeing involvement as helping and started seeing it as responsibility. I've seen children soften when the adults around them finally stop making them the messenger, the witness, the emotional container, or the reason for every fight. And I've seen co-parents move from chaos to structure, not because everything became perfect, but because someone decided that children deserved something calmer. And I have seen people realize that a family can change shape without asking the children to carry, you know, the sharp edges. And that is the heart of this show. This is not a podcast about perfect families. And it's not a podcast about the perfect divorce. It is not about pretending co-parenting is easy or that everyone can sit around a dinner table together and smile. or that separation can always be amicable if people just try hard enough. That's not real life. Sometimes separation is devastating. Sometimes it's necessary. Sometimes it's a relief. Sometimes it is terrifying. And sometimes it is all of those things at once. Sometimes one parent's doing all the emotional work and the other's not. Sometimes boundaries are more important than harmony. Sometimes low conflict actually means less contact and not more closeness. And sometimes peace doesn't look like friendship. Sometimes peace looks like clear routines, boring messages, predictable handovers, firm boundaries, and children who are no longer being pulled into adult pain. So look, this podcast, it's not about pretending. It is about telling the truth. The truth about marriage, the truth about parenthood, the truth about the emotional load, the truth about the quiet resentment that builds when one person becomes the manager of everyone's life. The truth about what children feel, even when no one says anything in front of them. The truth about co-parenting with someone who still knows exactly how to hurt you. The truth about money and power and control. The truth about the guilt of changing what your family looks like. But the truth also about rebuilding when everyone else expects you to simply move on. We're going to talk about the truth of the grief of sharing birthdays and school holidays, Christmas morning, Mother's Day, Father's Day, school concerts and also just the ordinary Tuesday. The truth about the fact that children can be loved so deeply and still be harmed by the adult conflict. And the truth that even after the break, there still can be dignity, structure, love, repair. Season one will be a series of solo conversations. And I wanted to begin this way because before I invite other voices into the room, I want you to really understand mine. I want you to understand the philosophy behind my work. And I want you to understand that when I talk about divorce, co-parenting, marriage, I'm not talking about a soft aesthetic of you know matching homes and friendly brunches and inspirational quotes. I'm talking about the hard daily discipline practice of putting children at the center and not in the middle and I'm talking about the ability to receive a message that activates every old wound in your body and still ask yourself what does my child need from me right now? And I'm talking about the difference between reacting from pain and responding from values. I'm talking about boundaries that protect peace, not punishment disguised as boundaries. And I'm talking about the emotional maturity required to let your child love their other parent without making that love feel like a betrayal. And I'm talking about the courage it takes to stop fighting that old relationship and start leading the new family. So in season one, I'll be talking about quiet quitting marriages and why some relationships end emotionally long before they end legally. I'll be talking about the emotional load that no one sees, especially the invisible mental and emotional work that so many parents carry until they become resentful, exhausted or completely disconnected from themselves. I'll be talking about Mother's Day after separation and the quiet grief of that day that can become complicated by handovers, blended families, absence, guilt and the ache of what used to be. And I will be talking about what children actually need when their parents separate, not the performative version, not what lawyers tell you, but the real version. The version where children need permission, stability, emotional safety, and adults who stop making them responsible for adult feelings. I'll be talking about why co-parenting isn't about performing peace and why being a good co-parent doesn't always mean being warm or friendly or endlessly available. I'll be talking about communication and why one text message about a school uniform or a pick up time can sometimes feel like a battlefield because it is carrying 10 years of pain underneath it. And I'll be talking about money and power and control after separation and why money is often not just money once a relationship ends. and I will be talking about my four pillars of communication. Listen, pause, reflect, and respond. Because those four words seem simple, but they're not easy. Listening isn't just waiting for your turn to argue. Pausing is not weakness. Reflecting is how we stop projecting our old hurt onto every current interaction. And responding is different from reacting. And so much of this podcast will, yeah, come back to that space between stimulus and response. That small, often uncomfortable space where you can either repeat the old pattern or choose something more conscious. Some episodes will be practical. Some will be really personal and I'll share my story with you. And some will be confronting. Some might feel like someone has finally said the thing you have been carrying silently. And some may ask something of you. Because I don't want this podcast to be just another place where we consume language about healing, communication, emotional intelligence without letting it change anything in the way we live. My hope is that every episode helps you feel less alone, but also more accountable. Sure, ashamed, but also more conscious, more compassionate towards yourself, but also more aware of what children need from the adults around them. Because children don't need perfect parents. They don't need parents who never cry, never struggle, never make mistakes or never feel anger. They need parents who are willing to become conscious enough not to make them carry what was never theirs to hold. They need adults who can say, hey, this is hard, but it is not your job to fix it. And they need adults who understand that a child should never have to shrink their love for one parent to protect the feelings of the other. They need adults who know the children are not messengers, not therapists, not judges, not evidence, not emotional support animals, not bargaining chips, and not the reason parents get to keep fighting forever. They are children and they deserve to experience childhood without being recruited into adult conflict. So before we go further, I do also need to say that this podcast is for general information and education only. It's for me to share my story with you. It is not legal advice. Every family is different. Every child is different and every separation has its own facts, its own risks and complexities. So if you need legal advice, therapeutic support or safety planning, please speak with an appropriately qualified professional. If you're experiencing family violence, coercive control, intimidation, threats or immediate safety concerns, please contact your local emergency service or specialist support services in your area. But it's not something to be taken lightly. But if you are here because you're tired, you're curious, You're quietly grieving or maybe you're rebuilding. Maybe you're co-parenting. Maybe you're just trying to understand how your family got here. I want you to know this. You are not the only person who has felt this. You are not the only person who has looked at their life and thought, how did we get here? And you are not the only person trying to be strong for your children while privately feeling like you are falling apart. You are not the only person who has sat in the car after a handover and taken a breath before driving away. You're not the only person who has typed a message, deleted it, typed it again, deleted it again, and wondered whether responding calmly makes you strong or simply tired. And you are not the only person who has carried too much for too long. You are not the only person who wants to do this better. And you're not the only person trying to rebuild a version of family that is not what you imagined, but may still hold love, safety and meaning. And that is why this podcast exists. For the before, for the break, for the becoming. Welcome to Before It Breaks. I am so genuinely glad that you're here.