Unedited Life: So for this week and next week, we're just going to take some time to share ⁓ I feel like I'm cutting people off. I know, I my Yeah. So obviously, I we just need to figure out how to rearrange. Anyway, story is powerful. Have you ever like listened to somebody's story and thought, ⁓ my gosh, that was amazing. And so this week you're stuck with John and I, but next week is going to ⁓ his story about, you know, all the things I think. I think he keeps adding that. I he keeps going back further into life. And ⁓ I ⁓ I'm excited and and can hardly wait for next Sunday to be here just ⁓ to hear what God is doing in Kevin's heart. So. ⁓ I don't know, John prefers to ⁓ fly by the seat of his pants. I'm a little bit more ⁓ out than he is. ⁓ we tried in the car yesterday on the way back from ⁓ but he was like, I do better if I don't have a plan. I'm like, but what about me? So I that it would probably be helpful for us to maybe even start back as like. children and and I'll go so you kind of have a framework for where I'm headed. I ⁓ ⁓ mom ⁓ raised Catholic. She's from a very large Catholic family, ⁓ Catholic They all went to the Catholic school in Manhattan and so was loosely raised Catholic. My mom was Catholic but my dad was not. ⁓ and he to this day is still a very timid person ⁓ doesn't necessarily like crowds. He's total introvert, though ⁓ very And ⁓ he never attended church with us. And so we really became what they call creasters, ⁓ where we show up on Christmas and Easter. but I was baptized ⁓ a an infant in the Catholic Church and my mom actually just sent me home a couple weeks ago with my certificate of baptism from the Catholic Church and the really funny thing is is my name is not spelled correctly on there. My name is Angelia. Donde is what it said on there. ⁓ I took a picture of it, I sent it to her and I circled it. I was like, is my name not really Angela? ⁓ And she's like, yes, your name is Angela. And I was like, why does it say Angelie? And she's like, ⁓ my gosh, I've never noticed that. I was like, did the church rename me? it doesn't really matter because it means the same thing. know. what I thought. I was like, wow, I've been renamed by the church. So anyway, that's kind of my upbringing. My dad struggled with ⁓ drug and alcohol abuse, ⁓ and we struggled with his struggle. And he ⁓ would become violent under the influence those substances. And I was the girl. I'm sandwiched in between two very honorary brothers, if you do not believe me. Here's just one story to go off of they would chase me around with squirt guns, but they filled them with boiling hot water were honoree ⁓ me dearly though and my older brother ⁓ and ⁓ was very quiet very timid all my my years ⁓ and it wasn't until had children that I really broke out of that. And so that's kind of my background in a nutshell. And I'll stop talking so you can tell yours. I was born a Christian. No, ⁓ was, the baby. I'm the ⁓ number Then Robin's my oldest sister, not oldest sister. She's my first oldest sister. Then I have an older, old, old sister. ⁓ She's Yeah. I never knew not going to church. My dad was chaplain in the ⁓ military. He didn't out as a chaplain. He actually started out as an enlisted soldier. and while I was going to school, he went to K-State and got his degree. then we got out, went to seminary. lived very, rice was our friend. That's the only thing we could eat. Rice. That's all we could afford when dad was going to school and stuff. But we made some good rice. were talented with rice. The Chinese ⁓ would loved us. And they're like, are we going to take that and put it on our menu? ⁓ sir. But. very good parents. My dad was an amazing father. Okay, I'm gonna cry a lot. I just tell you that right now. I'm a crier. not because I'm sad. It's because Jesus so good and he does amazing things. ⁓ But I was, I never not ⁓ being loved And Robin will agree with that. had, ⁓ I mean, would go, ⁓ they sacrificed so we could be raised right. You know, when we led youth group like Angie said, I can never meet kids in a place where they would come and tell me about how bad their parents were. And I'd say, you know what, I can't meet you there, but what I can do is love you like you were supposed to be loved. Okay, because I was raised by a loving dad. And the reason why this is so hard for me to talk about is when I was 14, sorry, told you guys I cry a lot, so deal with it. My dad got really sick and... To this day, he was 36 when he got sick and he's 70 years old this year. He has been bedridden since, basically on life support. That hurt. took me a long time to admit how much that hurt, but it hurt me. It affected me in a lot of ways. Probably ⁓ sports to... ⁓ get through a lot of stuff. excelled at just about everything I did, sports, music, anything like that. And I ⁓ went all in and overboard on everything, just to not have to think about pain and stuff like that. When my freshman year, we moved from Colorado Springs back to Manhattan, and we to school ⁓ at Livingworth. I met my wife. She was a year older than me. She was in 10th grade, I was in 9th. I meant in school. grade, I was in 9th. Took us a while. I couldn't get a word out of her. She was so shy. We started dating towards the end of my freshman year. we would have breathing contests on the phone. I'd call her and I'd get all my words out and then it was like, are you still there? But I knew I wanted to break that out of her because I knew I loved her. Yeah, even at 14, my mom actually came up to me at 14 and I didn't even, wasn't even thinking about it. She goes, you're gonna marry her. I'm like, well, I'm 14, shut up. No idea. So, but when we were 19, we got married, six kids. There's a lot of stuff in there I want to get into, good until dad got sick. And it was still good because he ⁓ got but it was a progressive disease. He's got multi-systems atrophy, which is basically like ALS, but a mean ALS because it takes forever to kill you. So he's had it for 34 years. And he's the of anybody to live. We've almost lost him, know how many times, I've asked him, Dad, are you done? And he just fights and fights and fights. And so I will fight for him. Jeff way more than I do when I live there, but we just fight for him on a daily basis. And he's worth fighting for because he was such a good dad. for, you know, it was only 14 years that he got to put into me. It was good 14 And I learned to love because of him. So anyways. Go. Dad part. So like he said, we got married when we were 19 and had our first kid at 21. We got married. I don't think we were trying to rush getting married, but my dad was getting really sick and we wanted him to marry us. And the day of our wedding, he was actually too sick. We had a backup. And so his friend Lorenzo actually did our wedding and that was the last day he walked. OK, go ahead. And he got to dance. He did? Yeah, he got to dance that night. So if you back up just a little bit, my freshman year of high school, I lost an uncle to ⁓ skin cancer. ⁓ got sick right around Thanksgiving, and then by February was gone. And so it was a very big deal because he was a beloved brother, son, uncle. ⁓ it rocked my mom's world. And my mom was the anchor in our family. ⁓ And so with her the rest of us were reeling too. And she took our, you know, to the Catholic Church on occasion and suddenly became hungry ⁓ for something more, something with ⁓ And we found ourselves ⁓ this church in town. that was a far cry from the Catholic Church. We went from Catholic to Charismania and it was shocking to the system, I guess is the best way you could say it. Because I mean, if you've ever been in a Catholic Church, ⁓ ⁓ ritual. you're just doing the same thing ⁓ Sunday Sunday. It's up, down, kneel, up, down, kneel, and you're repeating things. ⁓ And grandmother in particular competed to be the loudest and finished the prayers first. so we learned how to be competitive in Church. ⁓ And so show up as a 14 year old in this charismatic service and there people running around the sanctuary during worship. I'm not kidding. really were like making laps ⁓ and there's whooping hollering and I'm going like, what is going ⁓ here? ⁓ And then I if that if that wasn't crazy enough, the music dies down and somebody pops up and they start speaking in a language I had never heard before. They sit down, somebody else pops up and they deliver the message that was just spoken in tongues. And I just, had no grid for what was happening. there was something inside of me that was put on notice. There was, and I can only look at it and call it like the fear of the Lord. ⁓ in terms of majesty, not I am afraid of him, but ⁓ my gosh, what is this? And I remember like physically shaking in the space, having no idea what was actually happening to me. ⁓ we had started going to this church on a regular basis and I still had no grid for what was happening, but were healings ⁓ that take place. People had massive miracles. ⁓ that would happen right there on Sunday mornings. I remember in particular, there was a lady who was homeless and she was a mother of two little ones. And she had no idea. She woke up one morning and then the next thing she knew, she was in the parking lot of the church. And so, I mean, that alone was just like, what? Like, who is this God that does these kinds of things? So there was a hunger seated deep inside of me for the things of God. And so in ⁓ early years of ⁓ married, John didn't necessarily enjoy going to church, and I ⁓ really forced it on him. And sometimes I went alone. But I ⁓ in pursuit ⁓ really who this God? You know, I didn't have the upbringing that he did. And so I was on my own trying to discover who is he? Did you have something you wanted to say? Well, didn't like going to church because I was mad at God. I didn't realize it. But I was mad because of my dad. I pissed, if I say that. I was pissed off human being. didn't have that outwardly. I mean, I was a good dad for a while. loved my family, loved my kids, but inside, man, I had this anger that I could not sometimes contain. And I used work to get it out, because I knew I couldn't get it out. I never wanted to bring that home to my kids. So I used work to just it out. ⁓ mean, I'd work. had ⁓ one year where they added my hours up. I worked two years in one year. That's how hurt I was feeling. to get over stuff. was weird. People turn to drugs and alcohol, which I did eventually, but work was my thing. I would just work myself to death. But Angie was very faithful, and she just, let's go, we're going to church, we're going to church. I'm like, they're all freaking okay. Only because I like you. And so we in, we were living in Manhattan, but we landed in a church in Junction City and started going there more faithfully, both of us. And John had facial hair, so he became the youth leader. No degree, but dang it, I can do something with a beard. He had the right upbringing, plumbing and facial hair. Plumbing helps too, So we end up leading a youth group. And I did not want to do that either. Well, you had fun with the first one. so we did that for probably 10 years. And mingled in with that, we became like the children's church thing and on and on but in the middle of all of this went ⁓ ⁓ kind of your run-of-the-mill Charismatic understanding ⁓ of down the supernatural going after the gifts of the spirit ⁓ and really loving each other ⁓ to our eyes opened to the grace of God for the first time Yeah, it was it was the kids that actually brought me back Hanging out with them. It was Job, of all things. The pastor at the time always wanted me to download previous teachings and just retreat, retread them, is that what you call it? Huh? Recycle. Recycle them, like it was me actually doing it and I don't do that. I I tried it for a month or so and it made me ill. It felt like I was a fraud to these kids. And so one day I just, and I didn't even really plan it, I said, God, what do you want me to do? And he said, do Job. And I'm like, are you freaking kidding me? Have you ever read Job? That's horrible. Until you read Job and you find out it's absolutely freaking amazing. That Wednesday night turned everything around in my heart towards God and towards these kids. And we had revival with the youth group in our church and it actually made the adults mad. We were getting in trouble for the teenagers being able to do things that their parents couldn't. Yeah. I mean, I don't know where you're with speaking in tongues. I don't care if you believe in it at all. It happens. We don't pray for these kids. We'd be we'd be doing worship and they'd just be blah blah blah blah blah. I'm like, huh? You know, they'd start praying for each other if they were sick. And we never we didn't have to like lead them through it. was just Holy Spirit was just all over them. And it was fun. And we looked forward to it. I actually started looking forward to church because of kids. And it was awesome. Yeah, their worship was so radical. Like they would want the lights turned off and they would want the music you know, it's like reverberating off the walls. I if the lights had been on, what you would have seen is kids down on their faces just weeping before the Lord. I mean, it was a beautiful scene. We had this guy, ⁓ he a ⁓ sergeant the military and God told us to have him help us with youth group and I'm like, what? This guy's a jerk. I mean, he just acted like a sergeant in the military. So we're like, okay, so he was there for a couple weeks and he just would stay against the wall leaning and just staring at people acting like, you know, a cop, you know? And I'm like, he didn't want to be there. Yeah, this is not going to work out. So one Wednesday we have the lights off, we're worshipping, we get done. We can't find Vince. That's the guy's name. And so I find, and kids are leaving and we're like, where did the crafted Vince go? he leave because he was mad? And I go around the sound booth and he's sitting there on the ground, leaning sideways like this going, Like slouched on the wall. And just ⁓ in Jesus. And we're like, what? And he could utter was, ⁓ I'm with Jesus. gotta understand for us that was creepy because Vince was a jerk Jerk he from this jerk to this this beautiful human being who loved people all of sudden and I'm gonna tell you nobody did anything We didn't pray for him to put our hands on him. He just stepped into a room where you could not help but be changed So ⁓ I said, we are introduced to a God who is very present. He's there ⁓ and I has anybody ever had to grapple with ⁓ the God the Old Testament versus the God that presented in Jesus? ⁓ This is what introduced to is. this God that is so loving and so caring that he's there and we don't have to do anything to garner his attention. And I mean, our whole world is just like, ⁓ my gosh, everything shifted and changed and enjoying being ⁓ kids. ⁓ we lived in that season for ⁓ ⁓ eight years and We had a family member that had moved here from Tennessee. at this point, we have all six kids. ⁓ he is what? ⁓ have ⁓ boys. ⁓ oldest is a boy. The youngest is a boy. We've got four girls in the middle. Yeah. And ⁓ all very close in age. Eight difference And I'm going to tell you, this part of our story is going to be super hard to tell. Yeah. Trigger warning. Yeah. Fair So he over all the time and we're enjoying hosting him, having him, ⁓ and context he is an adult and ⁓ hanging with the kids and we cherished it because it was help. And this is who we went to church with. We saw him worshiping ⁓ God on He family member? ⁓ Yes, a family And then after he had been in town for a few years, ⁓ We had been at our oldest son's basketball game, and it was about to start. And I had a teacher from the school come up to me and ask me if she could talk to me. And I was like, ⁓ no, what have they done now? Kind of thing, you know? And our kids were homeschooled. They didn't attend the school that we were playing sports with. And so was like, sure, and by that time John had got there, so we go into her classroom and and her husband are asking, like I could tell they were shaken ⁓ they just simply asked, know, what you actually know ⁓ about, know, your family member and is it possible that some things could have transpired that their daughter had shared with them that had happened? And long short, ⁓ I was no longer present in the room. I went somewhere else because my thoughts were, oh my goodness, if he's done all these things with her, what has he done with my children who he has full access to? And what you've gotta understand is like, we homeschooled our kids. They never left. They were there 24, seven, I was always with them. And so it was a tough thing to have to reconcile. the possibility that somebody had been hurting our kids. And so we get home that night I called our oldest daughter in ⁓ it was very hard to stay present during this basketball game ⁓ I just asked her, I'm like, Lise, has anything ever ⁓ ⁓ you? ⁓ she got real quiet ⁓ what you need to know about our oldest daughter is she was born to be a lawyer. but she was born to be a lawyer and so she can easily step into professional mode, even when she was a little girl, and present her case ⁓ professionally. ⁓ I hated that she felt like she needed to do that in this situation, but it was her protective ⁓ to do so. ⁓ ⁓ ⁓ ⁓ a portion of the story. that night and then that it wasn't just me. Like this has happened to three of the four of our girls. information leaked out slowly over the years. This was 13 years ago. And for of those years, ⁓ we lived ⁓ a hellish We did attempt to take a legal route, ⁓ ⁓ you're dealing with a pedophile, ⁓ who's very professional, it's hard to prove things. so we there wasn't really a whole lot we could do ⁓ legally, and didn't want our daughters to have to perform. their trauma for purposes. so was 10-year dark night. And I ⁓ the ⁓ I don't know, to eight months ⁓ in a very dark And ⁓ could not believe these could happen, you know, with me there. and had later found out that he did even more with our niece than he had with our daughters. knowing ⁓ it was, like his end game was ⁓ And in this place, I'm in this, let me back up a second. The week that we found out. That Sunday before, we had all been at church together and the message that morning was, God loves you no matter what. No matter what. There's nothing you can do to escape his love. ⁓ sat in our living room with him that night and he opened up an intense conversation ⁓ he was like, are you sure that this is true? That God loves you no matter what? And we were like, absolutely. We knew that we knew that we knew that there was nothing you can do to escape the love of God. And so we're in convincing mode, calling like 100%. There's nothing that you can do. You don't know what I've done, he says. And we're like, it doesn't matter. So we're talking within days. find out. what it was that he was referencing. And so it became very difficult to grapple with in that moment of like, ⁓ my gosh, we just told him that Jesus loves him and now I'm mad about it. know, like ⁓ ⁓ a real firm understanding of the finished works of Christ, like what he accomplished. ⁓ now I'm going like, Jesus, I don't like this, ⁓ know, I'm just being real honest with you. Like I want what Christ had accomplished I was so My anthem during that season was a Dixie Chicks song. the I don't even know the name of the song, but the lyrics were, I'm not ready to make nice. I'm not ready to back down. I'm mad as hell. ⁓ And don't have time to go round and round and round. and I would sit out in my car in the driveway going nowhere just blaring the song and just sobbing because it was exactly how I felt and everybody around me is telling me to get over it. Everybody around me is preaching forgiveness and needing, desperately needing me to move beyond this point because they were uncomfortable with it. And one day I woke up and I am like a total, you guys, such a mess that I'm like in my 30s and I have shingles I have eczema that's covering, thick, covering my eyelids. And mean like I am just, I'm not okay. And like I said, we had doing youth group for years and so ⁓ we dealt all of the things that come along with teens ⁓ and at Junction City School, cutting had become an epidemic and we ⁓ had no for it. We could not understand, were like, stop. But it was in these dark moments that I finally understood that emotional pain is so intense that the only escape sometimes that you can find is to actually feel physical sensation of any kind. And so this one particular morning, I just, got up and I was doing my best to be present with the kids, but I couldn't, I hopped in our family's suburb. and I told him I was like, I'll be back. I no idea where I was going. And I just headed west on I-70 and then I took a turn off on Old Milford Road, still had no idea where I was going. And this thought came out of nowhere. just nowhere. I had never experienced any kind of suicidal ideation whatsoever. I loved being alive. this thought just comes rushing at me ⁓ the next intersection, just send a car to take me out because I can't do this anymore. And scared me ⁓ so that I pulled the car over. And I'm like, God, I don't know what to do anymore. I don't even to be alive. And he just said to me, Angie, can what I've done apply to him yet? I knew exactly what he meant. I that he was asking me, like, will you allow my grace to cover even him? I knew well enough to know that. ⁓ He showed me a picture of him and he had chains wrapped around his body that were attached to a millstone and Jesus says, somebody who harms a little one is better off being tossed into the depths of the sea with a millstone attached to them. And I was like, yeah, let's do that. But I knew that he was not showing me this because he's a God of punishment, at least not. But he was saying, Angie, I need you to understand my heart. I'm not a God who throws people into the sea kill them. It's not in my nature. And he was just revealing. Because what he's done, because sin has its own payment. The wages sin is death. so he was showing me him wrapped in these chains and telling me, he's like, because of what he's done, not because of what I'm doing to him, ⁓ because of what he's done, he's living in a perpetual state of drowning. he didn't even really ask me to go and do anything, ⁓ just considering with him and understanding ⁓ a great big God he is and how loving he is. And this is all just in ⁓ vision kind of state, like in my mind's eye. I watched myself go up to him and just begin to unwrap these chains from his body to free him so he would no longer have to experience one, the wrath of Angie, two, that he would be released from the shame of the wages of his sin. so that it was like the darkness just lifted off of my life. ⁓ And for the first time, I was able to think clearly because everything was so scattered and fractured. I was able to ⁓ begin So what took ⁓ me intense, dark eight months was different for Yes. OK, so two to about me. First, I love my kids. Just know that I love them. I'm very protective. I thought I was. thought I was a really protective dad. ⁓ I'm very trusting. It takes a lot for somebody to take away my trust. And don't, when ⁓ I people, I always to see the goodness in them. They have to prove themselves bad to me or whatever. And I lost for 10 years. hated, like I've never hated before. I felt like a failure. I felt like I failed all my girls. I actually, this guy was my cousin and I worked him. I had to go see him every day and it was everything me. showed up one day, was about to... just beat the living crap out of him and my boss happened to be there and got a hold of me before I could because I wasn't going to stop. I was going to be in jail. I confronted him and he pulls out a knife saying, I'm gonna kill myself. I'm like, let me help you. know, ⁓ ⁓ just, couldn't take it anymore and I ended up quitting that job. But I went back to my old ways of working so hard because I hurt so bad. I hurt so bad and I thought my kids hated me. I didn't think they'd ever trust me again because I let this guy into my house. I let my girls go to his house to clean his house, not knowing what was happening. I would work until I injured myself and I started understanding, you know, when Angie's talking about cutting, I felt better when I hurt so bad. I tore both my rotator cuffs. I have, my ACL twice in my knee and I'm okay, I was okay with it because it was better to feel that pain than the pain I was feeling in here. Well, eventually that wasn't working anymore. And I remember one night, I always, had a beer, everyone out, now and then, it wasn't a big deal. And I remember one night I had too many. And see, every night I went to bed and closed my eyes. It's all a dream. I hated it. didn't want to go to sleep because I didn't want to dream about what my girls had gone through. night I drank too much and I fell asleep and I dream about it. So guess what I started doing? I started, ⁓ worked myself to death. I'd come home, get myself drunk enough to go to sleep. And I did that, how many years I do that? Like four, five? A lot of years. And of course, you got to start drinking more and more for it to work. mean, by the end, I could out drink an Irishman. Because it was taking that much for me to go to sleep at night and not dream. I was working and I had injuries and I was drinking and trying to be there sometimes. I'd have some good months. I was asked to coach my son's basketball and I was completely straight that entire time. No alcohol whatsoever. mind was focused on that, even at night I'd go to sleep. That season ended ⁓ bam, it hits me again. And I start all over again. And just couldn't shake it. ⁓ And friend of ours, he's not here today, his wife is, but Mike came up to me. He comes here sometimes. He's an EMT, so he works on Sundays sometimes. Is that right, EMT? Paramedic, whatever. He told me, goes, God's telling me to tell you to rest. And I was like, shut up. And literally almost doubled down on my work. I mean guys, I'd go to work and leave the house about 7, 7.30 in the morning and I would get home at eight, nine o'clock at night. And then I started, then I thought, let me go out, I went out on my own and I wouldn't hire anybody because then I could work. I had to work that much, you know. And people are thought, hey, he's a good worker. No, I was hiding in my work from my pain. And I was letting it consume me. And then drinking myself to a stupor. don't think I ever was mean to my kids or my wife. I wasn't nice, but I wasn't mean. But then Mike comes up to me again, what, was it a year later? Was it that much longer? that he only told me to rest. And the second time he comes up to me he goes, rest. God said, rest or I'll make you rest. And again, I'm like, dude, I don't care. and God are not ⁓ on the same field right now. so was at work one day and I asked to go look at a house. I was a drywaller, drywall contractor. And I was asked to go look at a house off of 77, is that right? 77, you know, if you go the back way through Riley. And so ⁓ was there, I went and looked at the house, and then I was on my way home, and I remember I was putting on, was starting at some point, I was like wanting to hear God again, so there was a teaching by Bill Johnson, I was putting it on. And as I looking down, I looked up and there was a coyote in the road. and I turned my car real fast. Here's the stupid thing. I just had my radiator replaced. And I thought, if I hit that thing, he's going to hit my radiator. But what I did is when I cut over, I cut into the dirt on the side of the road. And then when I went to correct, I flipped my truck. And I flipped my truck. I don't know how many times because I don't remember. It knocked me out. And I woke up. And I have a scar from here to here on my arm. I think I burned myself, but I'm not sure. And I hit my head real hard. But that was all that happened to me. And I got hurt enough in that wreck that I couldn't work anymore. What was in the cab of my vehicle? Oh yeah, all my tools and everything. The funny thing is, what was I, the eighth person to do that that week? Or fourth person to flip their car? I was the only one that survived. Everybody else died on that road flipping their car. And my car, I got pictures of it. I have no idea how I made it out, I mean I know how I made it out of there, but I shouldn't have. And... kind of aggravated my wife. My wife didn't know where she could tell that part. ⁓ had to take me to the hospital. ⁓ the funny thing is, is I had alcohol in the car. I hadn't started it yet. That was for when I got home. And it broke everywhere. And I don't know if it smelled in there. And I don't even think I've told you that part. I also had food there, so that might have covered it up. But I also had son's medicine. And my son was diabetic, is a diabetic, was very expensive to get his medicine. ⁓ that's all I thought about the whole time I was in the ambulance. And the guy goes, are you okay? Because ⁓ bleeding out of my head and my arm and stuff. And I said, yes. I said, my son's insulin's in my car. Could somebody grab that for me? And he goes, ⁓ you're okay. And I was. I was thinking clearly. I was fine. But I lost all my tools for my trade. We actually got some of them, but they were so beat up, I just threw them all away. my truck had flipped so many times that the tools to my truck was over ⁓ a length. That's how much I flipped. And ⁓ they that my car flipped and I actually cartwheeled, which means I hit the nose of my car and it flipped me this way. I landed and then started rolling sideways. That's how the wreck was. And so guess what? I had to rest. I couldn't work. I could still work on cars. I do PDR, but I could still do that. I stopped drinking for a little bit. I coached little bit, but the dreams came back, so I started up again. ⁓ I up ⁓ way than I used to because I didn't know what to do. I couldn't work. I couldn't the dreams. Any way I could get it, I did it. almost felt like I worked to have enough money to just get the cheapest crap that would do it. Anyways, of what, is that four years ago now? Three years? I know it was December 27th. I got retarded. That's the best way. Sorry, that's not PC, but I was dumb and I went to sleep. ⁓ And I up ⁓ and I this look in my wife's eye. And you know, I kept thinking eventually she'll just leave me because I'm just a mess. it was the first time I saw this look in her eyes where she was just devastated. And I was ⁓ broken. you I prayed, I finally prayed and I said, God, I don't ever want to see that look in her face again. I woke up the next morning and never craved alcohol again. I have never dreamed about that again, ever. And I didn't pray and ask God for him because I wanted to impress him. I prayed because I didn't want to disappoint my wife anymore. And he was like, that's enough, that's all I need, buddy. You're reaching out, that's a good thing, I will help you. And I woke up and I wasn't even hungover. That was gone. I could think clearly and I just, told her, said, never do it again, I'm so sorry. I'm never tell well I can say I never touched alcohol again. We did communion here once and I was even funny she felt bad because I had it in my hand and I was like I don't know if I should take this You and I did because I trust in the healing that was given to me by God and My still love me They never blamed me one time for what happened to them And funny thing is guys, I was on my way one night to kill him. And he had moved to Tennessee that night. I was done, I wanted to kill him. I wanted the pain gone. And I didn't care if I spent my life in jail. It was enough for that guy not to be on earth no more. And Jesus is that, that's how kind he was. He took him and said, you need to go. And he went back home to his parents' house in Tennessee. saved me from being in jail. that's how kind God is, God. It's the kindness of God that leads us to repentance. It's not he's a mean guy and he's gonna throw me in hell. He's kind. He'll love us out of our situations. And even when we're hurt and desperate and I love him. I'm totally different, yes. I love Jesus, yes. I love playing, I didn't like playing the drums. I'm sick of it. Because I don't want to worship Him. got that back. I love coming and playing. I don't know, and I don't know why guys, that for me it was that easy. I mean, because it was 10 years of hell for me. You know, started drinking I think a year into that, right? Because I didn't know what to do. You know, didn't know how to handle that inner pain, because I loved everybody. would walk into a room and just find people and start loving on them. That's who I was. And for 10 years I didn't want to be around a person. I hated people. You know, I even, if you gave me rules, we were, we coached basketball and I would break rules on purpose. You know, got myself suspended two weeks. But I didn't care about the rules. I didn't care about people's feelings. I I cared, I actually cared about our girls that we coached and the guys that I coached. really did. But everybody else could, you know, shove it. But God's brought that back for me. I I easily again, which is, ⁓ missed it so much. You know how hard it is to hate? It is hard to hate. But it's so amazing to love. And it's so much easier to love. And you live so much better to love. You know, when people go out of their way to piss me off, and I just love them, they can't piss me off. You can still my wife's flower, and that'll make me mad a little bit, but. But I just want you guys to know that you can trust me with your stories. If you need to come and talk, you can trust me with your stories. I don't blab them off. You can trust Angie, Robin, Jeff. We will not. Christy, I forgot you were back there. You can trust us with your stories. If you need help, we've been through some stuff. We've come out of stuff. so we can help you. Here's Graham Cook. He's a British guy. He's a teacher. We listen to him at night. It doesn't matter how old you are. You can end well. You can end well. You don't have to be who you are today. You can end well. You can be a 90-year-old person who's a Satanist, and you can end well. Because guess what? That Satanist is already saved. Because Jesus said he went to the cross for everybody, and he said, it's finished. Our job is just recognize what he did and live that life to the full. Live it to the full. Okay? I'm dehydrated. So just a couple of details that I feel are important for you to really understand like who we are, what we've been through. This all started in 2013 and we felt like God told us, because we were attending a church in Manhattan at the time and a church that I was an executive pastor at. And in the middle of all of that, in 2019, God told us, start something in Junction City where you actually live. And I was like, absolutely not, no way. And even went to my most trusted friend who would tell me the truth no matter what. She's just one of those people. She'll set you straight. And I was like, okay, you're never gonna believe what somebody has actually said to me. And it just seems like everybody thinks that this is what I should do. And I told her, was like, you know, that we're supposed to start a church in Sanctuary City. And she goes, darling, been waiting for this. And was like, you have got to be kidding. She was going to be my one out. You know, the one person that was going to tell me absolutely not, you know, you shouldn't do this. And instead it the opposite. Like, no, this is what you should do. ⁓ But all this going on. Not only am I a female. but my house is not in order. so, know, biblically, there were just things that were working against my mind and going like, this feels wrong to do. And long story short, obviously we did it anyway. And so in August of 2019, we left our church in Manhattan and started this. and started off meeting in houses or ⁓ hotel ⁓ And then in 2020, right in the middle of the pandemic, we landed building and that story in and of itself is crazy and miraculous. but ⁓ what ⁓ so of stuff is going ⁓ on in the and I am doing my best to just like. continue to put one foot in front of the other and things got so bad. What you need to know is between the year of 2013 and the end of 2014, we find out about our girls. Our son is diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. Our church at the time completely imploded. what else? was something. ⁓ and our friends moved away ⁓ Austin. ⁓ so we were like ⁓ this space where it's like, what else could possibly go wrong? nervous system is like redlining. ⁓ 10 timeframe, ⁓ just it not ⁓ end. It just ⁓ one devastation the other. And the final one was being faced with We ⁓ owned a home Grandview Plaza. and we could no longer make the payments on it. And plenty of people knew our situation, but people don't know how to act in these kind of situations. So it's like, they're there, but they're there doesn't actually help. And that's why I am like, so it's so easy for me to be like on a dime, then we're doing chili, you know, because I know what it feels like to be in a space of losing everything. And so we are facing this. And in the middle of it all, God goes, I'm walking through here. I kid you not. Walk in the back door. I come through, I get to the stairs and God says, you guys need to move in with John's parents. And I was like, oh, hell no. I just kept walking and I, you know, I'm pretty obedient. But that one was like, not in a million years. Am I going to to do this? And then it was just one of those things, you know how God is, where he's just like, I'm gonna getcha. And so it just kept up. And I finally said to John, I was like, I hate this, ⁓ but I feel like we're supposed to move in with parents. Did you tell me that when we were at the hospital? Your dad was in Yeah, my dad, we had taken dad to the hospital. had a... This was my best kept secret. Yeah. And I didn't know anything about this, but he had a bed sore that we couldn't take care of. It was on his butt. So we had to take him to the hospital. And they told us... And mom was 66 at the time. You know, and she had been taking care of dad basically by herself. I mean, we went at nights to put him to bed and stuff, but she had, you know... He's 5'11", 180 pounds of dead weight, can't move a muscle. And she's little. Breathing tube, he's air feeding tube, I mean literally can't do a thing for himself. ⁓ for 30 years she's done this by herself. So we're at the hospital and told us his sepsis, you know, he's probably gonna recover from this. And so we stayed at the hospital, got him back home and I told Angie. pack me a bag, I'm gonna stay the night and help out over the night and see what happens. And she had told me while we were at the hospital that, you know, I think maybe we're supposed to move in with them and I did not want to He pretty much responded the same way I did. I was like, no, I'm moving in. She packed my bag, gave it to me, and I never spent another night in my other house. I've been, that was four years ago. But like Angie said, we almost lost, I called the mortgage company and I said, look. I can't afford, I can't work no more because I've been injured. I don't know how this whole process works, but ⁓ I give the house back to the bank? he goes, just do anything ⁓ yet. us ⁓ some to see if we can figure something out. Guys, they sold our house ⁓ for exact amount we owed. Yeah, was wild. that kind of a thing is like, was such a huge thing, because I'm going, and we still had kids at home. It wasn't like they were all growing like they are now, but we still had kids at home. And I'm going like, I don't know what to do. And was outside fiddling with flowers. We were going to be hosting a ⁓ worship service on a Wednesday night. ⁓ And ⁓ I'm there watering the flowers or whatever it was I was doing, God was like, I need you to be willing to give up your reputation. And I'm like, I have no reputation. Like, what are you talking about? then he kind of pressed the issue a little bit more and starts touching like, you know, super tender parts that we like to keep away from him. And he's like, you know, concerning your house, I need you to be willing to give up your reputation. And I'm like, I surrendered as best I knew how in the moment. And then something happened right on the backside of that to where we were kind of bailed out just enough to live there a few more months and then we're back in the same situation. And so I was just like, I was so devastated, just could not believe this is what it's come to. We raised our kids in this house, we've lived there for over 20 years and now it's gone. so, like he said, not only did I pack him a bag, but I took myself and the two kids that were still at home ⁓ the time, we went and ⁓ the night out there, and we never returned. ⁓ funny thing is, about 10 years before that, my mom asked me if she had an unfinished basement. And it's a pretty, it's a large house. And so I did everything I framed it. I didn't do the electricity and plumbing, but I did everything else over the carpet. But, ⁓ you know, and I got it all ready and nice and didn't not realizing I was getting that ready for us. know, and I did a really good job if I do say so myself. So anyway, to put a pretty little bow on it, we survived. But we've been through hell. It's been rough. 10 years ⁓ would wish that on anyone, any part of it. was horrifying. But it's also built something inside of me to have a depth of compassion ⁓ for people wouldn't have been there without it. And for everything to be happening the way that it is now ⁓ to ⁓ have become place ⁓ the unhomed can come feel comfortable I hope you feel loved. not something I could have dreamed up in a million years, but thankful ⁓ to you guys in the room with us ⁓ and that trust us enough to care for you. This ⁓ is kind of things that dreams are made of, and I didn't even know to dream it. And it's because of those 10 years ⁓ that we're even in a way that we can, ⁓ We can welcome you in and love you the way that we're capable of doing that. Now, don't touch my plant. We'll be okay. those of you that do not know. We had a lady come in on Friday and ask for some clippings. She was very taken with the plants and the place. And I was like, sure, I'll get you some clippings. And I did. And it wasn't just a clipping. It was several clippings that I had given to her while she came back yesterday. ⁓ I had been at the store and the bank. And I came back, and there's dirt all over the table. And I was like, what in the world? ⁓ ⁓ like, I looked at John, I'm like, where the that plant has existed since we've had the building and took it. She just took it ⁓ you know, ⁓ here is free but don't touch the plants. I want to say one more thing. You know, I cry a lot through that story. It's not because I'm sad. It's because God was so good to me through the whole thing. His kindness was ridiculous. You know, ⁓ he in us and we don't even know it because we don't want to recognize it because we want to wallow in our pity. But when we stop wallowing in our pity and say, Jesus, what are you doing here? He'll tell you. Sometimes it's blurred out loud, tell you. When I got in my wreck, always tell people, tell you Jesus doesn't make things happen. I'm glad, I actually believe he flipped my truck for me. ⁓ needed me because I wasn't gonna quit. He flipped my truck and made me do what he said. And people say, God doesn't do that stuff. think your free will is not as free as you think it is. So, I am happy I went through it. ⁓ It it was painful, but it helped a little bit get me out of some funky stuff. So, you want me to pray? Yeah, Father, I just thank you. For all my friends here, God, I ask that you would bless them, bless their lives. Continue to work in them. God help them to recognize where you're working at in their lives we love you. We just thank you for For this building that we have a place to ⁓ to and hang out and be warm together and and have lunch together We love you and we thank you for everything you do for us in Jesus name. ⁓ Amen