John Knopick: So I've been thinking about something weird lately. What does normal even feel like now? You know, to me, normal used to be boring. Normal used to just be day by day, we had our processes, we had things that we did. not like an OCD type of way, but like we went in, got up, had our same morning routine, breakfast, got the kid ready for school, dropped him off, went on a walk. Things like that. Just had a normal, normal routine, even though I know normal is very subjective. One person's normal is another person's abnormal and vice versa. But I keep going back and looking at how things used to be. And part of me misses that. Part of me misses the old setup. Like my son was really excited last night because he knows today he got to take hit one of his favorite stuffies with him to school. because they're rather than giving them like check marks in this like brag book that they did when they were in kindergarten in first grade, now they're giving them what's called cash, school cash. So if they're doing something good or they're showing like responsibility or they're being proactive, whatever the case is, they'll or doing their homework right. They'll receive this special cash that they can continue to accumulate and They'll have these like pop-up stores at their school where they can do different things, get different things. And this time for like three dollars, the kid got the ability to bring in one of his stuffies for the day to school. And he was just over the moon saying, I I put my money down and I got to do it. Other kids in my class were doing it too. And he was just so excited about it, so anticipatory about what was going to be coming today. And I was like, in my mind, in my in my subconscious, I was going, I remember those days. Like today. I was getting my brand new meta glasses right here. The ones are being replaced because my old ones broke really easily and I only had them for a few months. And normally, knowing that that was coming the next day, get my new glasses, got a new dresser, I have a you know a sporting event we're going to this weekend, I would have been like hardly able to fall asleep because I would have been so excited, so anticipatory. Like like kids on Christmas Eve, knowing that the next day something big's happening that's gonna just be amazing. Like one of the greatest days of their lives. And I don't I didn't get that feeling last night. And I don't know if it's just because one of the the medications that I'm on stopped that those emotions from happening. But from what I've been told, the medication that I'm on is just supposed to stop the anxiety from ramping up, stopping those storm clouds from coming, stopping the waves from happening. It not necessarily wasn't supposed to stop all emotions, wasn't supposed to stop, you know, excitement and other things. But it kind of felt like, you know This morning when I was seeing him, like he came in, he got up early, n earlier than when he normally does, and came in and was so excited. He he always comes to my side first, wakes me up. I'm usually awake 'cause I hear the door open and then he wakes my wife up after that. But he just c kept stopped talking about what he was gonna get into do today. And he was just so excited and just, you know, h words were just flying out of his mouth and I'm like, Yeah, this is th and and after he'd already been to school, my brain had time to settle and was thinking, Yeah, I I wish I had that today. I knew I was having special stuff was coming to me, my new glasses, the new dresser. But I didn't have that same level of anticipatory excitement the night before, like I used to have. So that was part of my normal. That was part of what think life used to be like. And part of me misses that. Part of me wants that back because it's not as much the the fact that I'm having problems getting my brain to shut off before I go to bed, which I still do and I'm still working on. But it's also because I just it I didn't I wasn't in control of my moods and I didn't know from moment to moment when the next bad one might strike up and might bring everything down. So it part of me is like I really wish I had those feelings of excitement back. 'cause I loved those. And I and those were always like really got me giddy. Like if we're gonna be going on a trip the next day or something, I just I could hardly sleep that night. or I got up early because I knew that that it was going to be happening and that that didn't happen. It hasn't been happening since my traumatic episode happened. And I keep wanting to become pre-anxiety John again. And I I find myself craving that. But and and it was and not just the anticipatory stuff, but never having to worry about shutting my eyes at night, never having these like doom and gloom thoughts sneakily trying to put their way back in during random times during the day or at night, right before I go to sleep. and you know, where where I could just do again, normal routine. You know, he goes to bed, we put him down, we go back, we go downstairs, we relax, we just watch TV, play games, whatever, and then come upstairs, get ready for bed, go to sleep, start the day over, rinse, rinse, lather, repeat. And that obviously is has not been the case, has not been my norm for the last couple months. And, you know, makes me think, you know, maybe That old me, the old life I had, the old mindset I had isn't wasn't isn't the destination. Maybe learning isn't getting back to who I was. Maybe learning is more about figuring out who I am now and trying to make that the new normal. Rather than trying to recapture the old glory, so to speak. Learning to adapt and make this the usual, make this typical routine. So I can stop the anxiety thoughts can just become. again, white noise in the background that don't try to take over my life anymore. They're there, they'll always be there, but they won't have the kind of control that they're still trying to clamor and grab onto even with their their last throws of of power now that my medicine's starting to take hold. And I do see p parts of me though where normal does sneak back in. You know, there are times when I'm joking around with my wife or playing around with my son and There are times when I can watch old clips and old videos and things and it makes me really happy. And it makes me, you know, it gives me those tingle happiness, tingle feelings that I've missed that I hadn't had in a while since the episodes happened. And, you know, getting buried in work, having my eyes burning at night because I've had a productive, f fulfilled day, which is something I have been my brain needs. is to have those filled days, have my cup be overfull with work and side projects and things. So at night I'm able to drift off properly because if I don't get that during the day, I find myself, my brain drifting into bad places and doing things like that that it shouldn't, because it didn't get enough of the of the fill during the day before. And you know, I I find myself sometimes watching stuff that during those episodes would have not really meant anything to me, but actually now watching old episodes of things or old video clips and enjoying them again. And, you know, realizing after that thing I say to myself, you know, whoa, I actually wasn't thinking about anxiety that time. I might I was idle. I was laying there watching TV or whatever. And my brain wasn't immediately trying to go into doom and gloom or wasn't trying to create those waves. Wow. How can I lightning in a bottle, how can I keep that? How can I keep that as the way it should always be? And then my brain ruins my brain goes off and ruins it. Hey, you're feeling normal. Can't have that. Back to the way it's been. And you know, it it's like it won't let me fully, at least for now, won't let me fully return to where it needs to be. And again, as I said, maybe this is the new normal. Maybe this is no, not I'll never feel anxiety ever again. It's gonna be gone. It's gonna be completely erased, completely evaporated, eviscerated from all existence. You know, it's knowing. And learning to understand that anxiety will show up, but to not let it ruin the entire show. I'm starting to learn more and more as the episodes happen what my warning signs are, what you know, even a little bit, you know, possibly what some triggers might be. Not guaranteed that those are what the triggers are, but that the triggers are showing up. And I have tools, I have a support system, I have people that are surrounding me who have been through this, and you guys in the comments as well, and your views and your feedback is immense. Because you're part of my tool system and I want to be part of yours as well, part of your tool belt to help you guys get through it too, to help you find new ways to overcome stuff. And I know how to ask for help too. I know that it's not something that I should fight alone or that any of us should fight alone. We should never be afraid to reach out for help, even to a stranger, even to some weird guy on on on the internet that you've been watching these last four episodes of and continuing to watch, and I really appreciate it. you know, knowing that he's available to help. He's available to listen. Even if you just want to put a random comment in there about how you're feeling, do it. Again, be completely anonymous. It's fine. You don't have to divulge your identity if you don't want to. I just want to hear your stories. I want to hear your ways of handling things. Cause maybe you could your way could be a way that I could incorporate into my life that could help me and vice versa. Maybe my my tools can help you. It's it's something where this is definitely a two-way street and will always be a two-way street for everybody. We need to give and take. We need to be able to help each other and also know that we can be helped by each other. And I also, and I think a lot of people need to like stop grading ourselves and looking at the end of the day as was today 60% normal? Was it 80% normal? Was it a 90% busy day? Was I, you know, did anxiety take over 25%? Don't don't even like think about it as trying to make it as cut and dry as that. You know, was I anxious enough today? Cause was it a small enough anxiety level where it doesn't count? You know, am I progressing fast enough? These are things we don't need to worry about. These are things that we don't need to concern ourselves with. You know, just forget about the daily performance review. Save that for your employer or save that for who whomever is is overseeing whatever you're doing. You know, sometimes it's just a simple day of you work, eat dinner, spend time with your family, relax, go to bed. And that's a life. That's a simple life. That's an easy life. That's a great life. And maybe normal is not something that I or we are ever supposed to chase. Maybe, just maybe, it's the moments when we can just stop thinking about whether we're normal at all. Whether it's normal. Because again, like I said, normal is completely subjective. One person's normal is another person's whoa, not even close to anything being normal. You know, I just I want you guys to realize that we're ever, as you know, we're ever evolving, we're ever changing. And it's always gonna be that way. We were you the person you were when you were 20 is not the person you are now that when you're 46, or even when you're 36, or even 26, because life, the environment, your universe, your circles, your your everything that you do on a daily basis, even in a moment to moment basis, changes your complete trajectory and changes who you are and shapes the person that you're becoming. The person you are Monday is not going to be the person that you are Tuesday. even in the most subtle of ways, you may not re realize that things have changed, but they have. And they'll always do that. That's the way it's always going to be. We just have to find a way, regardless of those changes, regardless of the things ever evolving, To try and keep normalcy throughout, no matter what. Always, always, always keep normal in our daily routine, regardless of what's going on. And I think if we do that and we continue to not focus so much on: has this been a normal day? Has this been a good day? Has this been a bad day? Whatever the case is, just live in the moment. Absorb everything. Enjoy everything. Everything as best you can, no matter how stressed you are, no matter the tumultuous things you may be going through, find light, even in its smallest increment, in every single day. Because if you do, you're gonna be okay. You're gonna make it to that next day, and that next day, and that next day, and the next thing you know, it's been two two weeks, three weeks, a month, a a year, whatever the case is, and things are getting better, things are getting better. Back to normal. Again, what is normal? But yeah, I again just wanna reiterate to you guys, I thank you so much for all the views, all the comments, all the feedback. I really appreciate it. But I need you guys to continue to do it. Continue to give me the support and and provide me your tools. Let me know how you've handled things. Let me know how you overcome things. Because us keeping that conversation going is gonna help everybody around us too. Help me, help you, help the person that may be viewing the video after you view it. Somebody who gives me a tip who's in London, England, could suddenly help some guy who's watching my video from Vienna, Austria, or Toronto, Canada. You know, just the even spend 10 seconds, type a comment in, say, here's what I do, or thank you. I really like this, or something like that. Just something. Really goes a long way. It does a lot more. It's a lot more supportive than you could potentially realize. And again, I thank you guys so much for all of the feedback and comments and things like that. Because to me, the more we do this and the more we find that light in any part of the day that we're in, we will start to continue to see normalcy throughout every single one of our days for as long as we're on this spinning rock. I'm John Kanopic. This is the honest middle. We'll keep figuring it out together. See you guys next time.