John Knopick: I thought the medicine was supposed to protect me. That's that's the thought I couldn't get away from today. You know, not make every day perfect, but keep me from ever feeling like this again. And when today got heavy, as it has recently, I started wondering if all the progress I thought I made was real or if it was just a dream. Or False hope. This is the honest middle. Honest conversations from the part of life we haven't figured out yet. I'm John Kenopic, and you're gonna have to bear with me on this one. it's something very raw and real to me, and something that I with this kind of thing, I tend to normally keep it close to my vest. But I feel it's not only gonna be therapeutic for me to be able to. get these feelings and things out and talk about what I've been through. But at the same time help you guys also out there who may be struggling similarly with mental health issues, anxiety crises, feeling worthless, hopeless, feeling like everything is just falling down all around you. Because believe me, I have been there. today, for example, I've everything, you know, just felt a little off when I woke up. been on a new medicine new medicine regimen actually for the last four days since Friday and thinking that everything was good and feeling like, you know, I was kinda getting back to my old self 'cause I went through quite a bit of trauma over the last almost month, not quite a month. But this afternoon I just started feeling physically uneasy, not not like a queasy, n nauseous feeling, not like you know, a a pain feeling or anything like that, just generally kind of blah. And because of that, it started to bleed into my emotional state and my mental state, which is still actively trying to recover for everything that I've been through recently. And unfortunately for me, there wasn't an obvious trigger. There never normally is. That's the problem. It just comes on when it comes on. And the medicine I've been on is supposed to help combat that. Or at least I thought it did or was supposed to. And The physical discomfort just started pulling my mood down further and further to where I felt again like I was taking one step forward, but then three steps back because of what happened today. And it scared me because I felt like I'd really made improvement. Like things were going really good. Like I had emotions and feelings and like happiness and relaxed and calm feelings that I hadn't had in a very long time. At least not to this extent. And I know there might have been like a dopamine hit potentially a dopamine overflow, something that my nervous system had been craving for a long time. But it felt amazing. And it was like a feeling I didn't want to let go. and again, I'm not taking anything that's any benzos or anything like that. Nothing nothing habit forming at this point. so it's not like a, you know, a rush or anything that was chemically induced. But it was like my my nervous system finally was able to start feeling calm and feeling more like its normal self. And it just it was like a a fit an uneasiness in my mind and in my my gut that wouldn't leave. And the longer it stayed, the more I felt hopeless again. Like progress was just vaporized. And I started sobbing on my couch. I started with a new psychiatrist on Friday and he set me up with a new regimen and the next day my I took the first allotment, first full allotment of the dosages on Saturday. And I felt like literally my my entire world did a 180. And I kept no longer fearing sleep, no longer worried about dozing off at night and and staying asleep and having these catastrophic thoughts. And you know, it I was like, I'm back. I might actually feel like this is starting to become normal, like I'm not scared of sleep anymore. And then I had a sleep study done and that caused me a little chaotic sleep 'cause I had all the wires attached to me and it was a home sleep study. And then today, you know, I was thinking, okay, I'm back this is my first day back to work since being on the new the medicine and thought everything was gonna be good. But I kinda l felt a little bit off. But I was like, Maybe it's just too warm, I need to drink more, whatever the case is. And then this afternoon it just started going south. And it it I didn't f just feel bad. I kind of felt betrayed by the fact that I felt bad. Like, you know, why is this happening again? It it shouldn't be. You know, what if this means I'm going backward? You know, what if the medicine has stopped working? What if my body has started becoming immune to it? And I know, you know, I maybe it was me buying into a placebo effect, because I know with the medicine I'm taking, it's gonna take a while for it to take effect from what I was told. It could take weeks. But I felt like just my nervous system and my mental capacity and everything was just craving for some normalcy. And it got that when it got the new medicine in it. So when this happened this afternoon, I felt like what if my old life's coming back? What if everything I've been working to get through and overcome over the last three and a half weeks has started to rear its ugly head again? What if feeling better was temporary? And I know you guys probably have all felt that same way. So that's that's why I've created this. That's why I've created this honest middle. Because I want you guys to realize this mental health crisis, anxiety, depression, hopelessness, it's it's an epidemic that's worldwide. And it's something that we all have to go through. But we all we all can do it together. You're not alone in this. You're not alone when it comes to having a a soundboard. Someone that will listen to you. Someone that not only is there to listen to you, but most likely has been through the exact same thing or something similar to what you've been through. So that's what I want. I want, you know, I want people to feel free to speak up, to open up about your challenges, about your struggles. Let's let's help each other. Even if you want to be anonymous in the comments when I post this stuff, that's fine. Totally fine. I just want to be able to. make this as therapeutic as possible, not just for myself, but for anybody that that will listen, that will, you know, can say, yeah, I've been scared. I've been going through these things. I felt alone. But now I've got another person, at least another person here, that is going through it too. Now I know I'm not alone. Now I know I've got people that will listen, that that wanna listen, that wanna gauge my feedback and listen about my concerns. Because to me, I think what I need to grasp better on Is the fact that a bad day does not erase better weeks. And I know I've just started the regimen, but one bad afternoon out of four shouldn't undo the progress. And I know at the time when I was going through it, obviously my brain wasn't grasping that fact. But now that I'm sitting here recording this, it is. we also have to remember the fact that, you know, medication can't make us feel emotionally bulletproof. I kind of un unfortunately lost the lost the plot there when I when I started taking this stuff on Friday and into this week. thinking that, you know, yeah, I got I got this strong shield that's gonna protect me. And then this afternoon comes and it's like, mm, yeah, it's not quite working, not gonna quite work exactly that way, but you have to learn to adjust and and ride ride the waves out. and then I have to always remember, and you also have to remember progress is not about never struggling again. Process progress is about making those doom and gloom, massive tsunami level waves smaller and smaller and finding ways to get on that surfboard and ride those waves out. So that they become, even if they still flare up, you can overcome them in the blink of an eye. And that's that's what I want this podcast to be about is just being honest, talking about everything that's going on. in our struggles throughout this crazy thing we call our lives. And just try to help people. Let you guys know what I'm dealing with. Find out what you're dealing with and see how we can help each other. That's what I want this podcast to be. So for now, I'm gonna end this. I'm gonna try to keep these kind of short to start. I don't wanna bombard you guys. I don't wanna sound like a propaganda s motivational speaker, 'cause that's that's not my intention. And I wanna make these something that's easily digestible and consumable. So for now, my I'm John Kanopic. This has been episode one of The Honest Middle, calling it I thought the medicine was supposed to work and protect me. That's the name of the episode, and I'm gonna be launching these on podcast feeds shortly. tune in again next time. I really hope I can help you guys out and I really hope you guys can help me out as well. And let's just navigate the world together. One weird episode and therapeutic session at a time. But for now, stay safe. Thank you for listening. And I'll see you guys on the next episode of The Honest Middle. Take care.