Nicole: Hello and welcome back to another episode on Heal Out Loud. And on today's episode we're going to be talking about how to stop accepting the bare minimum. How to step into your power and how to realize that you deserve the whole world, literally. And this is not just about what you've seen in the movies, this is not a fairy tale. You are not a person who deserves just the bare minimum. Nobody deserves just the bare minimum, let alone you. you that you love so much, you give your heart so fondly to others, you care about others so much, you're so empathetic, you deserve the love that you're giving out to be returned back to you. So let's start by understanding why you accept the bare minimum if you do not want it. So of course I know that you're the type of person that wants to be taken care of, wants to be taken out on dates, wants to... have a partner that is your best friend and not someone who you just go home to and you do not greet each other, you do not share dreams together. I know you're someone who's like, you're a lover girl. I know that you're the type of person that you want to share your dreams and goals with the person, you want to share your future visions with the person. You want this person to be one of the main and most important people in your life. This is the type of love that you long for, you desire, that the type of partnership that you're after. Yet you always find yourself in relationships where you do not greet each other, you don't often show physical affection towards each other, you do not share the same dreams and goals, or maybe you once did, but you do not enjoy these things together anymore. So if you're such a lover girl, how do you always end up in relationships where you're receiving just the bare minimum? So... 100 % for sure growing up you felt different, felt weird, you felt like you're the odd one out, you felt like you're not good enough and obviously you didn't need to have huge traumas for this, for these messages to have been received by you. However, even moments of maybe not being the popular kid in class, maybe having siblings way older than you that you didn't have anyone to play with, maybe your mom or dad were going through separation or divorce. Or maybe your mom and dad both had to work a lot and therefore didn't have much time to spare to play with you. Or maybe a sibling that needed more attention than you. Anything that happened whilst you were growing up sent you the message that you are not good enough, there is something wrong with you, you are not lovable, you have to work hard for love, you always have to provide more than receive. And what happens is all these messages that you carried since childhood have reprogrammed have wired your subconscious brain. So your brain is divided into two parts, 5 % conscious, the one that you're using right now to listen to me, and 95 % subconscious, where there's lots of old programming stored in your subconscious brain. So in order for you to stop tolerating the bare minimum in relationships and in your romantic life, and maybe even friendships, family, whatever, but mainly romantic, for you to stop accepting the bare minimum and finally attract the person that you want to be fully in love with and to share your dreams, your visions, to go home and greet this person and kiss this person and just to be fully in love with this person, not saying that there will not be any hardships. There will always be hardships in life. However, at least your relationship will not be another hardship. So if you want to stop receiving and entertaining the bare minimum, we have to reprogram your subconscious brain. And I'm going to share exactly all the deets in this episode. So you have your why, why you keep attracting the bare minimum and now we need to understand how to shift this and I want you to think of this in this way. So imagine you eat your steak at home and we meet up and I offer you something to eat and you're quite full already but maybe you can have dessert or something and I offer you some breadcrumbs and you're gonna look at me and think like I don't need your breadcrumbs girl, like I ate my steak at home and the same goes to relationships. If you do not feed yourself properly and by feeding yourself I'm not talking about food here, I'm talking about doing things that you love, rewiring your subconscious brain, connecting to your inner child, taking care of yourself first, taking care of your health, your body, your mental health. meeting your friends, doing things that you love, traveling, buying clothes, whatever it is that you love, doing some type of sports, anything. If you're not going to feed yourself properly, you're going to accept breadcrumbs because you're going to be so hungry that even some breadcrumbs are going to satisfy you for a short while. Think of it like going to the supermarket when you're super hungry. you end up buying anything that comes your way. Maybe you're even lactose intolerant and you end up grabbing a chocolate bars because you're just so hungry and you want to eat something. And obviously this chocolate bar is going to hurt you, but you're so hungry because you haven't eaten in a while that you're just buying loads of rubbish. Whereas if you're going to have breakfast, then you're going to have lunch and then you're going to go to the supermarket. Most probably you're going to be so full. that you're just gonna buy the stuff that you have on your list, the stuff that you actually need. So when you're leaving yourself hungry, and by hungry I mean when you're not taking care of yourself, when you're not sleeping properly, you're not hydrating yourself, you're not eating the proper food, you're not training, you're not moving your body, you're not meeting your friends, you're not doing anything that you love, you're saying yes to everyone except yourself, you're working in a job that you absolutely hate and you might be saying, yes Nick, I need to work in this job because I need to pay my bills 100 % but you do not need to work in a job that you absolutely hate. And we will talk about this because rewiring the subconscious brain to not accept the bare minimum in love will also help you in every single area of your life, be it work, friendships, family, literally everything. If you're constantly binge watching shows, you're constantly binging and then restricting yourself the next day, if you're constantly gossiping or staying in circles that are not good for you and staying in crowds which are not good for you or maybe you're drinking a lot of alcohol or doing too much party drugs and you're just never feeling like you can get better, that you can't feel better. If you don't have a proper mental diet and if you've never met your inner child and comforted your inner child then what's going to happen is you're going to expect someone else to save you. Maybe many times you've dreamt of Prince Charming coming to save you. And the saddest thing that you might hear today is that nobody can save you except yourself. And the most amazing thing that you will hear today is nobody can save you except you. Which means that you can save yourself. For me when I learned that nobody can save me I felt very sad because I literally wanted someone to come and save me. Like I dreamt all my life since I was a little kid that my dad would come and save me. And then as I was growing older, I was hoping that Prince Charming would come and save me. So when I learned that nobody can save you but you, was really sad. I was very shocked, like, ⁓ my God, how am I going to feel better? But then I realized like, okay, you can actually save yourself. So how can you do this? And that is exactly what I'm going to share here today. When you carry beliefs in your subconscious brain about yourself that you are not good enough, that there is something wrong with you, that you are not lovable, you will choose a partner that will reflect just that back to you. Because you need to understand your subconscious brain is like a computer with this software. So if this is the software that you have, you are going to operate from it. You are going to keep on seeing things that show that this software is working proper. The software is going to work properly, but it doesn't mean that it's working in your favor. So if you have these beliefs stored in your subconscious brain without you knowing energetically, because we are all energies, every single human has cells inside them like other mammals, and each and every cell has a mitochondria inside it. And the mitochondria is called the powerhouse of the cell. The powerhouse of the cell, the mitochondria, generates most of the chemical energy needed by the body. we are all energy and energy cannot be created nor destroyed, just transferred. So we are constantly transferring energies to each other. If I am operating from the energy of I am not good enough, there is something wrong with me, I am not lovable, think of this energy as a green, vomittish colour surrounding me. So when I am out there in the dating world, people can see this green Vomitish energy surrounding me and am I going to attract someone with a pure white clean cotton energy? Or am I going to attract someone with the same green negative vomitish energy? I'm going to attract the latter of course. So what happens is that other person would have their own limiting beliefs stored in their subconscious such as I am not good enough. There is something wrong with me and both of you meet each other. So you have such limiting beliefs where you believe that you're not lovable, there's something wrong with you. And this person also has these limiting beliefs. So in the beginning, you are both infatuated by each other. You just love each other so much and there's such a strong connection that you even start thinking, ⁓ my God, I found the one. ⁓ my God, now I understand why it didn't work with anyone else in the past. And because of this person, I have finally found the one. You start thinking of yourself with your wedding dress and you even start imagining signing your name with their last name and you imagine the kids that you're going to have or the travels that you're going to go on or the house that you're going to have. You're just infatuated by each other literally and you think you've found the one and then attachment starts kicking in and the subconscious brain starts taking over and you start feeling like you are not good enough, like there is something wrong with you. And so you start acting in this manner in this relationship. And what I mean by this is that most probably the first two months you are putting in lot of effort, both of you. And of course now life has to start getting back to normal. You're both feeling safe in each other's energy and so the other person starts going back to normal, working normal hours, starting to go back to doing his hobbies, meeting his friends. And since you have this belief that you are not good enough, that there is something wrong with you, what happens is you start making this mean, this new distance mean, you see, I knew he was going to pull away as well. I knew that he realized who I really am and he doesn't like me anymore and that's why he's pulling away. So you start getting lost in these stories and your aura starts becoming even more greenish and negative. The other person. also has beliefs that he is not good enough, there is something wrong with him. So what happens is when you start reaching out and asking why are you pulling away, I wanted to spend more time with you, it's not fair, we used to spend much more time with each other, I wanted to be with you, why do you always do this to me? He starts feeling like he is not good enough. Childhood wounds start reopening and most probably he will start becoming even more distant because being close to you makes him feel like he is not good enough, there is something wrong with him. And this distance makes you feel like you are not good enough and there is something wrong with you. And therefore instead of healing through each other your own wounds, you end up feeling these wounds deeper and deeper. But what happens then is that you crave love so much you crave to be seen, to be held, and it felt so beautiful to be seen and held by this person in the beginning, that what you start doing is you start settling for the bare minimum. You start settling for less texts, less calls, less dates, less time spending together because you keep on hoping that this relationship will return to how it was in the beginning. You keep on hoping that once that this person sees that you've calmed down and that you're no longer being needy, they will come back to you and they will love you and make you feel safe and held the same way they made you feel in the beginning. However, it doesn't work that way, unfortunately, because even though you're no longer physically texting so much and you're no longer making them feel like they've done something wrong and they need to show up differently, your energy is still in that longing phase. Your energy is still in that, please save me because I don't know how to save myself. Your energy is still sending out these messages like, I believe I am not good enough and I need you to show me that I am good enough. And that level of responsibility is felt energetically. The other person will not even know what's happening. The other person will just start wondering, I feel distant, I wish I liked her the way I liked her in the beginning, I don't know what's happening, I feel so bad that I am hurting her, I wish I could be a better person, I guess it's true that there's something wrong with me, I guess it's true that I am not good enough, I even hurt this person where I thought that this person was the one for me and they pull away even more. So How do we stop this dynamic? We stop this dynamic by taking all this energy, the energy that you're hoping, waiting, longing, praying, watching manifest your partner back and all of this, taking all that energy and pouring it back into you. And I know that with the beliefs that you have in your subconscious brain and with the wounded inner child that you have, it is not easy to do this. So first things first. The first thing that I suggest that you do is, number one, to ask yourself, when was it the first time that I felt alone, lonely, abandoned? And see what image comes up for you. And when that image comes up, I want you to comfort your inner child. I want you to comfort the you. To let her know, listen, I am here now. You're not alone. You are safe. I love you. No matter who abandons you, no matter who leaves. I am here with you and I am never going to leave your side. So I want you to start with that first. Secondly, I want you to notice which is the main limiting belief that you have going on inside your subconscious brain. And how do you notice this? You notice this by notice your feelings throughout the day, when you are feeling sad, when you're feeling anxious, when you're feeling like you're about to throw up. I want you to realize and notice what was the thought before that feeling and maybe the thought before that feeling was I am not good enough, everybody leaves. So grab that limiting belief, let's use the I am not good enough and challenge it. Ask yourself, is this belief 100 % true? Is it true that I am not good enough or am I just saying this just to feel like a victim because that's how I always felt growing up and Now, obviously, I like to sometimes to feel like a victim. It gives me, although it's painful, it gives me some certain type of enjoyment because it's something that my brain is used to. So we need to challenge that limiting belief. And the third step that I want you to take is to figure out what makes me feel better in my life. Is it calling a friend? Is it going for a walk? Is it eating an ice cream? Something that makes you feel better. and just do that. Then I need you to start organizing your life, literally doing a life audit. So staying away from your phone one hour before you go to bed and one hour after you wake up. I know that you're used to just grabbing your phone as soon as you wake up to see if this person messaged you and to stay on your phone until they replied back late at night. No, remove your phone. It's not going to be easy. It's not going to be easy. It's going to be quite difficult actually. But just remember that I do this and you're not going to be doing it alone. So just think of Nicole doesn't grab her phone in the first hour of the morning. So I'm going to be doing that with her and she doesn't use her one hour before she goes to bed. And it's not just me, there's me and there's lots of other people. My clients do that too. So you will not be doing this alone. Try to replace that one hour before you fall asleep with something else. reading a book, meditating, visualizing something that is going to help you fall asleep. better. And same for the first hour of the morning. Maybe you can do some jumps to get the body moving and to let the emotions be expressed through the body rather than suppressed. Journal for two minutes, say what you're grateful for, anything that will help you stay away from your phone. Then what I want you to do is to set a time limit on your social media apps. You do not need to be available 24-7 for everyone else. In fact, think of that friend that is always on their phone and as soon as you message them, they reply back. You're like, ⁓ my God, I need to reply again now and I don't even have some buffer time. Like you go on your phone to get all the messages out of the way because you feel like you need to reply to everyone. And there's always that one friend or family member that they're replying immediately. And you feel like you have to clean up all your messages once again. It's okay to reply two, three hours later. It's not the end of the world. You. are here to make yourself happy, not to make other people happy. Of course don't hurt people on purpose, but prioritize you. Are you drinking enough water throughout the day? Are you eating whole foods or are you just eating junk and you're feeling even worse about yourself and your body and your discipline? Are you moving the body or after work the only thing that you're doing is hoping and praying that this person wants to meet you? Are you going out in nature towards the sunsets, go for a swim, go for a walk? Are you doing things that light you up and meeting people that make you feel good. Are you getting your house sorted or any appointments that you need to get over and done with or any errands that you might have? Is your car clean or is it like a pigsty? Go and do things for you because once you choose you, everything else starts choosing you. This is literally how energy works. This is literally how the universe works. Your life is shaped. by where you direct your attention. If you're directing your attention towards, haven't received that message, this person is not showing up properly in my life, this person hasn't asked me out on a date, this person, this, this person, that if you're constantly focused on lack, you're going to create more of that lack. Whereas if you're going to focus on yourself, on your health, on your mental health, on your body, on your friendships, on your life, on your hobbies, then obviously you are going to create more things that you're going to feel grateful for. And if you focus on all this abundance, if you're creating so much abundance, the universe is going to provide you with more abundance. But you need to be on top of your mental diet. And it's not always going to be easy. Even I sometimes fall back into old patterns and old habits. And that's why inner child healing will definitely be exactly what you need. Because once you heal that wounded inner child, the inner child who learned that they're not good enough, that there's something wrong with them, that they're unlovable. Once you start healing all those wounds, then your adult self can start operating from a more secure identity, from a higher self-concept, with more self-worth. And when you have more self-worth, when you're feeding yourself at home, when you feel secure in your body, you're going to attract other people that are on the same wavelength and frequency as you. So I want you to think of shifting through inner child healing you would have shifted your energy, your aura into this white light cotton smell rather than this green vomittish colour. So you're going to attract other people who have also this white light cotton aura and you will continue healing each other and helping each other grow rather than making each other spiral even more and feeling even worse. And of course as I said earlier there will always be hardships in life. However, Once you heal the wounds of your inner child, you are going to show up way, way differently in your life. Before I went on my own inner child healing journey, I was operating from my wounded inner child and I felt like I was not good enough, there's something wrong with me, I'm unlovable, people always leave. So every time something bad happened in my life, I would spiral for days, I wouldn't be able to eat because I'd feel so nauseous, I would curl in a ball, not go to work. call in sick, just cry in bed all day, feeling super depressed, not eating anything, not messaging my friends, removing my social media accounts, completely deactivating them. And nowadays, although I still battle my moments, I do not have these moments anymore. My moments now look like feeling sadness for five to 10 minutes, feeling it with the tools that I have, connecting to my inner child and then getting up and continue. showing up on social media because that's where my work is. I feed myself, I train, I take care of my body, I take care of my mental health, I take care of my mental diet. I know that when something happens, it's never personal. For example, my last breakup, I remained nearly the same weight. I kept on showing up for my work. I had all my social media accounts open. I kept on going out with friends. I kept on going to yoga. I kept on going to the gym. healing your inner child changes everything. And recently I also experienced something that would have made me spiral ages ago. was speaking to someone and this someone shared a lot of feelings towards me and all of this and that. However, however they said that they don't have the emotional capacity to be with someone right now and my friend sent me their profile on Tinder. And in the past that would have made me tear myself down in front of the mirror saying that I am ugly. I am this. I am that. Maybe I need to lose more weight and it's because there's something wrong with me. It's because I don't have a mom and a dad. I will always be alone. People always leave. I am weird. I am different. I don't fit in. I am 30 years old and I thought my life was going to be much different at 30. But literally all that happened was I felt like a pit in my stomach. But 10 minutes later I was eating my dinner, the same dinner that I was cooking. When I found this out, when I received the message from my friend, I felt the pain, felt the sadness, but I didn't make it mean anything about me. In fact, the next day I was out with my friends and in the past maybe I would have cancelled the meetup with my friends, or else maybe even worse, I would get super drunk and then feel really, really sad on Sunday. But on Saturday I was out with my friends, I enjoyed my time and... On Sunday I had a really good day with my other friend as well and I'm not saying that there will never be disappointment or pain or sadness because of course I felt some disappointment, some pain, some sadness. But I sat with it and I accepted that this is not a reflection of my worth. It is a reflection of what the other person is going through and it doesn't mean that the other person is bad or wrong or right, whatever. But at least, this is the message I want to get across is that I didn't spiral for days. In the past I would have spiraled for sure. I wouldn't have eaten. I wish I stopped eating actually because I'm eating way too much. But I would have even maybe called the person and gave them a mouthful and why did you do this? I'm so sad about this. I trusted you, blah, blah, blah. But it's not going to get you anywhere. So this is what inner child healing is all about guys. Like literally. I will keep on talking about inner child healing until I think my very last breath because it has changed my life completely. I've been re-birthed, literally. I no longer suffer from those ugly, ugly, ugly depressive episodes where you can hear another internal voice telling you everyone is going to be better off without you, you're not good enough, why are you here, you're never going to be loved. That voice was loud. and it was cruel and it was nasty and it sent me in really really dark places. So for me, inner child healing did the trick. And with inner child healing, I no longer settle for the bare minimum. In the past, this thing that happened recently, I would contact the person, would keep on speaking to the person, keep on trying to show the person my worth and make them choose me and now I just choose me. I don't even entertain this anymore. I have an opinion about this person now, but I will not entertain this anymore. Anyone who gave me some attention, even if they weren't my type of person, maybe the way they looked weren't exactly my type of person, maybe the way they lived weren't my type of person, maybe their hobbies and their ways and their addictions, I would have still accepted their love because I didn't know how to love myself at all that even some breadcrumbs from these people made me feel. some happiness, made me feel some safety for a while. But that safety left after a while because obviously nobody can save you but you. So nowadays, I'd rather stay single, giving the love that I deserve to little me until the right person, the person that I genuinely like, I truly like, I like his ways, I like his habits, I like his personalities. Personality, I hope, not personalities. Yes, I now... eat my steak at home so I will not accept breadcrumbs. And this is very true because my last relationship was way healthier than any other relationship that I had in the past. If you want to stop accepting the bare minimum, if you want to tap into your lover girl energy, the girl that wants to be held, loved, seen and not just treated with the bare minimum, then Inner child healing is what you truly need. And I know that your brain is trying to make you think and believe that this is not possible for you and you will always stay this way. That is something very normal that the brain tries to do because the brain loves to stay in the known. Because the known is predictable, the known is safe. But that's okay. It is very normal. It happens to all of us. Inner child healing is what will change your life completely, especially your romantic life and the relationship you have with yourself. Thank you for being here and I will see you again next week.