Nicole: I was going through a breakup and my hair was falling out, I couldn't eat a thing, and my face was going crazy. My left arm had stopped working and I was lying there in a hospital bed thinking to myself, How the hell did I get here? I was the woman who had everything figured out. I read the books, I went to therapy, I went to yoga. I could explain my attachment style to you in my sleep. And I was still here. So today I'm going to share with you what I had to learn the hard way. The real reason why you keep sabotaging your relationships. And I promise you, it is not what you think. To start off with, you need to understand that your parents loved you through their own wounds. And I am not saying this to shame and blame your parents. I am just saying this because it is the truth. Growing up, each and every parent will traumatize their own kid. It's not because they want to. But it's because they loved you through their own unhealed wounds. And those small wounds, as moments where you feel less than, where you feel that you have to be quiet to be loved, that you have to please to be loved, that you have to take care of your parents' emotions to be needed and wanted, that you have to overgive to beloved. Those became your programming. And your brain is divided into two parts your five percent conscious brain and your ninety five percent subconscious brain. It is the brain that runs on autopilot, the brain that you use when you're driving from home to work and you have absolutely no idea how you got there. And if we do some quick math, ninety five is much stronger than just five. So with your five percent conscious brain, you want to lead a healthy lifestyle, you want to have a healthy relationship, you want to have healthy friendships. Where you come to actually take action, it seems like you can't. And that is not because you're weak or you're lazy or you're not good enough. It's because your ninety-five percent subconscious brain is running the show. Your ninety-five percent autopilot brain is running on programming that was created by a child that was trying to survive in the environment that she or he was in. And I am not saying that you were in a really toxic environment, but even in an environment where the mother was always angry or frustrated because she wanted a perfect clean home or where there were arguments between the mum and the dad or maybe the dad had to leave, or maybe the dad was working a lot because you needed money for the family. But as a kid, you never make your parents seem wrong. As a kid, you always make whatever is happening in the household something bad about yourself. So if your mom snapped at you, you are going to make that mean that you are not good enough. If your dad doesn't have much time to spend with you, you are going to make that mean that you are not lovable enough. If the only way to please your mom and dad was when you were quiet or when you didn't cry or when you obeyed their rules, then you are going to believe that you have to be molded in a certain way to be loved by others. Or if, for example, your dad only showed you affection or emotional care when you did what he wanted, then You're gonna g overgive in your relationships because that's what you're used to. So what happens growing up is that you get beliefs that say that there is something wrong with you rather than something wrong happened to me. And again, as I shared earlier, it doesn't need to be physical violence or any verbal abuse, even small tiny habits shape the way you see yourself, you see the world and the way you see others. So right now you are operating from a wound that you believe that there is something wrong with you, that you're not enough. Everything else is a symptom. Sometimes we try to focus on what is happening now in your adult life, what is happening now in your friendships, in your relationships, in your relationship with food. But really and truly, all that is happening in your adult life right now is a symptom to the wound that you've carried since you were a child. I remember I used to be so harsh on myself. I needed to be perfect. I was overworking, over studying, overgiving. I was not eating enough food because I was constantly on the go. I also wanted my body to be perfect. I didn't want to have fat on my body. I was pushing myself to the limits until I got hospitalized. And here's what I want you to understand. I wasn't doing all of this because I loved control. I wasn't achieving constantly studying constantly, always on the go, maybe sleeping four hours max, not eating and all of this because I loved control. I did all of this because little me believed that she was not enough. And the way to feel like I was enough was by doing all these things. And the funny part is that by doing all of these things, achieving, studying, getting my degree, my master, buying a place, travelling abroad, studying abroad, eating and training constantly and doing all the things I wanted to do, I still didn't feel like I am enough. So no amount of perfection. was going to prove little Nicole wrong. No matter how much I achieved, no matter how much I overdid it, little Nicole still felt like she was not enough. Cause the wound that I had didn't live in my achievements, it lived in my nervous system. And it's important to remember that your personality becomes your personal reality. And my personality was that I have to earn the right to exist, that I was born to suffer, that I needed to work hard to earn up my space here because I believed that I didn't belong here because growing up with a drug dependent mother and an absent father created all of that. So that literally became my reality. Constant, proving, but never arriving fully there, never feeling like I am enough, never feeling loved, never feeling wanted. I was still very insecure. And these beliefs and thoughts created a very painful period in my life. I was always paranoid, thinking that people Don't want me next to them, thinking that people will leave me, thinking that I am not enough. It was a really a constant battle to go out like looking in the mirror and seeing myself dressed ugly, I saw myself fat, I had really bad body dysmorphia, and it was just getting out of hand. Then all of this also leaked into my romantic relationships. I kept thinking that my partner will leave, I am not enough, he will find someone better, as soon as he's going to see the real me, he's going to leave. How come is he loving me? How come does he love me like this is so not normal? Unknowingly, with all these beliefs, I kept on living from these beliefs, so I started pushing the person away. I was insecure, I had trust issues, I constantly felt low and depressed. And obviously when you don't trust the person and when you're carrying such negative aura and when you are turn into the police department questioning and becoming a detective. You are going to push the person away. And that is exactly what I did. And that's when the belief that I had that people always leave me, that I am not good enough, so people will leave, got even further reaffirmed. Everything this person did, I made it mean, ⁓ my god, this is the moment of truth. This is when he's leaving. So if there was a late reply, I was thinking that maybe he's speaking to someone else. Or if the person fell asleep, I would think that he's cheating on me. Or if the person was in a bad mood, I would think that He's noticing who I really am and he wants to leave me. Every single thing he did, I made it mean something negative about myself. So I didn't trust, I argued. There were moments where I was shut down, there were moments where I avoided him, moments where I was super anxiously attached to him, moments where I had to start detaching from the person and ignoring him so I don't get hurt. I snapped, I cried, I was arrogant, I was rude. And I want you to really hear this. I was creating the exact same thing that I was terrified of. The abandonment that I feared, I was the one making it real. And if you're sitting here thinking, Nicole, that is exactly me. I see you and I hear you, and you are definitely not crazy. You are running on a patterned program and you can either hate yourself for it or you can finally understand where it's coming from and start changing it. Funnily enough These beliefs did not only leak into my romantic relationships, these beliefs even came for my money. I felt like I wasn't enough, so energetically I believed that I was born to suffer, not thrive. And that is exactly what I attracted in my wallet. There was expense after the other. As soon as I pay one expense, something happens to my car. As soon as I get rid of that, something else pops up. And I felt like I couldn't catch a breather. Literally. It was one issue after the next. And in fact I even felt rage towards God because I was like, if God exists, how come can you keep sending so much pain to just one person? Like, what the hell is happening? I have no mom, I have no dad, I just failed in my long term relationship. I just get one expense after the other. I was being verbally abused by someone very dear to me. I just couldn't understand how one person could carry so much. But At the time I didn't know that we are the creators of our reality. At the time I thought ⁓ I was just a victim to my reality. I thought that I had no control to change this. I thought that that's it, I'm just doomed. I was born to suffer. I was just born under a a really bad star. I was just unlucky. And I thought that some people are born lucky and some people are born unlucky, but that is totally not it. I started diving myself into self-help books and understanding the brain. And that is where all of this ninety-five percent autopilot subconscious programming came up. And we can change the way we operate. You can change the way you operate. You are not a victim of your reality, you are the creator of it. So do you see the pattern now? The wound in your love life, the wound in your wallet, the wound in your friendships, the wound in your health. It's all the same wound. Just different rooms of the same house. So what can you actually do to Shift all of this to become the creator of your reality and not keep on feeling like you're a victim of your reality. First things first, stop blaming yourself. This is not a character flaw. This is a program that was installed before you could spell your own name. Secondly, start speaking to little you. When the panic rises, when the fear floods, when you want to check his phone or shut down or run, pause and think of little you. And let him or her know it's okay, you're not alone. I am here now, I can hold you through whatever you're gonna go through. You will never feel alone again because now you have me. And thirdly, you have to interrupt the pattern at the nervous system level. Naming it is not the same thing as rewiring it. I could name my attachment style, all my childhood wounds, my abandonment wound, I could name them all. But it felt even worse because I knew what I should be doing and I couldn't even do it. So you need to interrupt the pattern at the nervous system level. If you're the woman who knows exactly why she does this, you can name your attachment sign, you can spot a red flag before your friends can. You explain it perfectly but you're still doing it. Awareness is no longer your problem. Your nervous system learned this pattern before you could even spell your own name seriously. And no amount of reading about it has rewired it. So it's time that you tap into your ninety five percent subconscious brain and rewire what happened in childhood. And if your ninety five percent autopilot subconscious brain was created, programmed and wired in childhood, the fastest and most effective way to rewire this to work in your favour is through rewiring and reparenting your inner child, rewiring all that happened in your childhood. And it might sound scary, but trust me, this is the work that you need. I had been going to therapy from the age of seven years old. And I still kept on feeling depressed. I needed antidepressants. I still felt very insecure, very unworthy. I had a real bad problem with being gender strict with with the food. I was always pushing people away and staying in my safe bubble. And this work saved my life. Every single morning I used to wake up and think that ⁓ no, I'm still here. Like I'm tired of all this pain, of all this suffering. And nowadays I wake up and the first thing I say is thank you universe for another day. Show me how amazing this day can be. I am ready and open to receive miracles. Sprinkle me with your magic because this is what this work will do. All you need is to break the pattern. Thank you and I will see you next week for another episode on Heal Out Loud.