Nicole: Hello and welcome back to Heal Out Loud. Today I want to get really personal with you because not too long ago someone I cared about started pulling away. And the moment that happened something inside of me cracked not because of him but because of something so much older and so much deeper than him. For those of you who are new here this is Heal Out Loud. This is the podcast for the ones who are tired of trying everything under the sun, every healing method under the sun and still not feeling okay. I am Nicole Pallidano, an inner child healing specialist. I had gone to therapy from the age of 7 yet I still felt severely depressed and really alone until I found inner child healing. And today I am going to share the 5 things that I did to stop making his silence mean something negative about me. So buckle up, grab your tea and let's get into it. I want to start by asking you something. When someone you care about pulls away, when their tech slows down, when their energy starts shifting, what do you make it mean about yourself? What is the very thought that goes through your head? And I'll tell you what was mine. It was, what did I do wrong? Or even worse, what is wrong with me? And I know that you've probably told yourself a hundred times that it's not about you. You've journaled, you've listened to the affirmations, to the podcast, you've read the books. But the moment it actually happens, the moment someone's absence lands straight on your chest, all of that goes out of the window. And the very first thing that you're saying is, what is wrong with me? Why me? Why am I not enough? And there is something wrong with me. All of a sudden, you make everyone's absence mean something bad about you. And your brain starts coming up with proof as well from things that happened in the past with other people. And you're like, you see, nobody cares about you. Nobody loves you. Everybody leaves. There's something wrong with you. You're not like your friends. And that's because the pain is not coming from the present moment, it's coming from somewhere much older and that's what we're going to be talking about today. These are the five things I did. Number one, I kept on reminding myself that nothing is personal. But for the subconscious brain to believe that nothing is personal, we need to give it proof that it's true that nothing is personal. So as proof, I told myself and I reminded myself that there were moments where I pulled away from people not because there was anything wrong with them or because they're not enough or they're not worthy or not lovable, just because of how I was feeling. I was feeling that maybe I couldn't reach my potential with that person. I was feeling that maybe we had different likes and interests. I was feeling maybe lost in my own thoughts and my own wounds and I have my own attachment issues. So sometimes I tend to go into my avoidance and other times I tend to become anxious. I have processed a lot of losses recently, my mums, my grandmas. So obviously this impacts all how I feel internally. So if a person like me who is working so hard on myself, I've been doing so much healing and I still choose to walk away from people sometimes not because of them but because of how I am feeling internally, then other people also can walk away from my life not because of me but because of where they are in their own life. And I want you to really hear me on this one because I know that your brain is going to try and fight you on it and your brain is going to say, but Nick, it is personal. He left me, he chose someone else. So it's not because he doesn't have the emotional capacity. It's not because he doesn't want to be with someone. It's literally because he doesn't want me because he's seeing someone else now. And yes, of course you are right. He made his choices. I'm not going to sit here and pretend that those choices didn't happen, so I get what you are saying, but keep on reminding yourself the many times that you decided to walk away from someone, not because you thought they are not lovable, not because you thought that there is something inherently wrong with them, but just because it wasn't aligned with what you wanted in the moment. It was because of your own fear, your own wounds, your own emotional capacity at the time. Maybe there was someone that you really liked physically, emotionally and their character but you couldn't connect properly to this person because you were still so hooked on your ex for example. When someone leaves your life it is a reflection of where they are in their own life and not who you are. And I know that this is so much easier said than felt but this is step one and step one really does help me because in the past I used to think and I used to make it mean that everything is personal. Because when we are operating from our wounded inner child, we think that everything is personal because as kids we make everything mean that something is bad, something negative about ourselves. So when you are taking things personal as an adult, that is your first clear sign that you are operating from your wounded inner child. So if that is happening to you right now, you need to connect to your inner child. You need to think of little you and let him or her know that it's okay, you're not alone and I am here for you. The second thing I did is I interrupted the pattern. I reminded myself that his absence was not just pressing on a wound that he created. This wound was created a long long time ago. His absence was pressing on a wound that is decades old. My mother left for crack and my dad left for another family. And so when someone I care about today goes quiet. I do not sit with that feeling from my adult self. That little girl inside of me feels like a child once again who has been abandoned once again. And you might be saying, why do I feel like this? My mom did not choose crack. My dad not choose another family. I had both my mom and dad. And I fully agree that it can get confusing. But for you to have an abandonment wound, It doesn't need to be literally that your parents have grabbed you and abandoned you on the street. They could have stayed with you. You could have lived with them and grew up with them. In what we tend to think it's a healthy family dynamic. In reality, maybe your dad worked a lot and as a kid you made that mean that there is something wrong with you because your dad does not spend as much time with you as other kids' dads. Or maybe your mom was a clean freak and she was always shouting at you. if you dirty somewhere or she was always cleaning, cleaning, cleaning and never spending time with you or there were arguments between your mom and your dad and you made it mean what is wrong with me? Why am I not good enough for my mom and dad to be in a healthy, loving relationship like my friend's family? So your mom did not need to choose crack instead of you and your dad did not need to choose another family instead of you for you to have an abandonment wound. Abandonment wounds are also created from emotional abandonment. So whatever you're feeling is still 100 % valid. So when a person leaves your life or maybe they go quiet or you experience cheating or you get to know that they're dating someone else after telling you that they don't have the emotional capacity, what I want you to realise is that that pain that you're feeling is not just because of that person, it's because of a wound, your abandonment wound that has been created a really long time ago and you are still operating from that wound. And I want you to think about it this way. Imagine you strained your neck. And because of that strain, you keep on getting headaches. And every time you feel a headache coming, you take painkillers. But no matter how many painkillers you take, the headache keeps reappearing. And why? Because you are not healing the strain. You are not addressing the main problem, the root problem, the strain in your neck. You keep on treating the symptom and not the source. His absence was my headache, my abandonment wound. The one that was created by my mom and my dad, that was the strain in my neck. So instead of wasting all my energy on a person that left, instead of gossiping about him, blaming him, replaying every conversation that we had, I went to the root pain. I went to the place where this wound was first created. I went to my inner child and I sat with her, my little Nikki, the four-year-old who learned very early on that people will always leave. And I let her know. You are safe now. You are not alone anymore. Because now you have me and I'm never ever going anywhere. I'm never going to leave you. That is the work. That is the real work. Not the gossip, not the blame, not the pointing fingers, not the anger, but going to the root. Trust me, every time I experienced a loss, I used to spiral for months. Blaming and shaming myself, belittling myself, disappearing literally I'd lose so much weight I would not be able to eat. I would make myself feel really really bad because I would think if my mom and dad left me nobody wants me, nobody's ever going to want me, what's so wrong with me? Why was I even born? How can one person feel all this pain? And here I am today, the next day that I learned that this person had pulled away from me because he was on Tinder. I was having my breakfast, I was at the gym, I was doing my 5k run, everything was A-OK. Freestly, there were still feelings that came up that I am showing you how to deal with them, but it is a completely different world. Third thing I did, and this is gold and really important, was forgiving myself for knowing what I should do and not being able to do it. And I know you know this feeling. I know that you know that you should not be checking his profile. You know that you should not be getting over that last conversation that you had for the hundredth time. You know you should get up, go for a walk and do something good for yourself. And yet, you can't. And then, on top of everything else, you judge yourself for not being able to do what you know you should be doing. But here's what I had to remember. Our subconscious brain, the 95 % that is running the show behind the scenes, without us even knowing, was programmed in childhood. And the little girl who was programmed back then, is the same little girl that is running the show right now. Even though you and I are standing here as grown women. So when I am spiraling, when I am doing things I should not be doing, or when I can't do things as I know I should be doing, I remind myself that I am acting from my inner child. I remind myself that I am operating from four-year-old little Nikki, that little girl who just wanted to feel loved, seen, and heard. And honestly, can I blame a four-year-old for that? Can I sit here and blame that little girl who's just craving love even if it's from a person that is not right for her, of course not. So I stopped blaming myself and I started holding myself instead and forgiving myself and hoping and promising that I will do better next time. And the fourth thing I did once again was to interrupt the pattern and I chose to be kind to myself every single day. Every time I caught myself judging, I decided to shift that to compassion instead because here's what I learned. Every time you stay angry at yourself, angry for giving too much to the wrong person, angry for sending that text, angry for allowing this person to come into your life. All you're doing is you're holding a fire, burning yourself just because you are afraid of the dark. Let me say this again, staying angry at yourself or at the other person is like holding a fire in your hand just because you are afraid of what's in the dark. And the dark in this case is the sadness underneath all that anger. Because it's so much easier to feel rage rather than heartbreak. It is so much easier to be furious rather than devastated. But here's something beautiful that happened when I started being compassionate towards myself. I managed to start being compassionate towards him too. Not because what he did or didn't do was okay, but because I realized that him Just like me and everyone else, he's operating from his own internal world. And from that place, instead of sending him anger, instead of staying on that low frequency for myself, I was able to wish him well from a distance. And that freed me. And the fifth thing, the thing I want you to walk away from this episode with, is this. I reminded myself of the abundance that exists in this universe. There are so many people, so many opportunities, so many experiences that I haven't yet experienced. And the connection I felt with this person, the feeling of being seen, the real chemistry, feeling alive, that is not rare. That is not a once in a lifetime thing that is now lost forever. That is proof. Proof that I am capable of feeling that way because after being so hurt by my mom, I thought that I would never be able to feel like that again. But yes, that is proof that I am able to feel that way. That is proof that a connection so beautiful is available for me. And if it was possible with the person that's not for me, imagine. Imagine what is possible with the person that's right for me. And obviously we were not created or brought on this planet just to suffer. We were brought here to live a life that is truly aligned. So definitely there is a person for you, for me and for everyone out there. So don't just settle for less just because you fear being alone. Do the inner child work so you do not fear being alone. So you step into a relationship that is fully aligned with you. basically, I used what I felt in this connection as evidence of what is available to me. Not a reason to stay attached to someone that we were never meant to be. But as a reminder that my person is out there and he's going to be so much more. So, 1. Nothing is ever personal. 2. His absence was pressing on my abandonment wound so I went to the root, to the core to heal it. Number three, I forgave myself for operating from my wounded inner child because how can I blame a four-year-old who was craving to be seen held and loved? Number four, I choose compassion over anger because staying angry only burns me. And number five, I reminded myself of all the abundance that is still waiting for me. If any of these 5 hit you today, would really love to know which one in the comments below. I read every single message and every single comment. You really mean the world to me. Thank you so much for being here and I will see you on the next one.