Nicole: Hello and welcome back to another episode on Heal Out Loud. I'm so happy to have you here with me today. And with this episode, I want to speak directly to one specific person. And you will know immediately if this is you. This is for the person who's doing the work. The hikes, the solo travels, solo lunches, journaling, bubble bots, listening to self-help podcasts, reading about self-help books, going to the beach alone. You are literally doing everything everyone told you that you should do. Yet from the inside you do not feel any difference. You still feel the same sadness and same worry and same anxiety. I see you and I know how exhausting that is because I used to be in your place. And this episode is going to help you with shifting your internal state completely. With shifting from feeling sadness, anxiety, fear, loneliness to actually finally feeling at peace. The things that you're doing, they're much better than obviously staying in bed crying yourself to sleep every single day. However, if you're doing these activities and you're entertaining the same thoughts constantly, then we need to go deeper. We need the next step. And that step is called identity recalibration. And that is exactly what you need. I want to first start off with talking about a time that I was still really suffering, where I was that person that you are now. And I remember it so clearly. I was doing everything, showing up, functioning, travelling, working out, studying abroad, achieving doing my masters, my degree. I was doing literally everything. But on the inside I was still her. The version of me that believed that she was not enough, that there's something wrong with her, that she's just unlucky and that she's just doomed and life will always be one sad spiral for her. The girl that believed that love would always leave and that she will always be alone. feeling this sadness. And here's what I had to remind myself, that the activities are not going to change the reality for you, because your personality becomes your personal reality. So I can go on that hike, I can go to the beach, I can go for a lunch, I can go out for dinner by myself, but if my personality, if the thoughts I am thinking about myself are still the same thoughts I used to think when I was crying in bed, then obviously my personal reality is still going to be that sad reality even worse because now you're doing the things that you think that you should be doing and still you're not feeling okay and you're like okay then for sure I am completely doomed. If your internal world hasn't changed yet your outer reality cannot change to match something that does not exist within you yet. So I started asking myself a question I had never asked before. Who am I really actually? Not who I perform being but who am I really? when no one is watching, what do I actually think about myself? That question changed everything for me. And today I'm going to walk you through exactly what to do with that answer. After asking who am I really and getting all that information that you need, we need to go to the second step and that is rewiring your subconscious brain. 95 % of the things that you do, the way you act, the way you react, the way you think, the way you feel, it is running from your subconscious brain. So it's useless trying to work with your 5 % conscious brain if you really want your inner reality to change. You need to tap into your 95 % subconscious brain. And right now what this podcast is doing, it's tapping into your 5 % conscious brain. The self-help books that you're reading, the journaling, that is all tapping into your 5 % conscious brain. So to tap into your 95 % subconscious brain, you need to actually do the words I am going to be sharing here. and not just listen to this podcast. This is like going on YouTube, watching how to do a glute workout and not doing it. Watching how to do the glute workout is stepping into your 5 % conscious brain. But when you're actually doing it, that is how you tap into your 95 % subconscious brain. And that is how you see results by doing the thing and practicing and being consistent. Not perfect, but consistent. And that 5 % of you is trying so hard. But the 95 % of you has been running on the same program that you had since you were a child. And until you update the program, you are going to keep getting the same results. No matter how many hikes you go on. No matter how many cold plunges you get. So here is the framework in six steps. Step one, who am I really? Do not lie to yourself. What are the thoughts that you have on repeat every single day when something bad happens? What are the thoughts when someone rejects you? What are the thoughts when you go in front of the mirror in the morning? What are the thoughts that you have when something doesn't go your way? Maybe such thoughts include, am ugly, I am not enough, I am unlovable, people always leave, there's something wrong with me. Write them down because otherwise you can't change what you are not willing to see. Step two, start shifting them. And I'm not talking about being fake here. I am not telling you to say I am perfect and expect to believe it in 30 seconds. What I am saying is introduce the new belief slowly. Instead of saying I am not enough, move to I am open to the idea that I am more than enough. That I am safe to feel more than enough. This is where it all begins, not with a full flip. Step 3. Notice and redirect. When you catch yourself acting from the insecure version of you, shrinking, over-explaining, saying yes when you really mean no, notice it, but don't shame yourself, just notice it, and then redirect it and say, no, this is not who I am anymore, I can say no, I am secure, I know my worth, thank you brain for trying to keep me safe, but I can say no, it is safe for me to say no, and do it again and again and again, because this is not a one-time decision, this is a practice. The same way that you're not gonna go to the gym and see all your results after a 45 minute session, the same goes with your brain. You need to be on a healthy mental diet. Especially when you're going to over explain, for example, think of your inner child. Visualize that little kid that lives inside of you and just let that little kid know, it's okay if they abandon you. I will never abandon you. You don't need to over explain. You don't need to say yes when you really mean no. It's okay. You're not going to be abandoned because you have me. and I am not going anywhere because when you fear abandonment from others, the real abandonment that's happening is the one of the self when you abandon yourself. Step four, ask how the new version of you would act. Picture that person, the one that has done the work, the one that doesn't wake up and reach out for their phone immediately, the one who walks into a room without scanning it for validation. How does that person carry themselves? How do they walk? What tools do they entertain? What do they say no to automatically without guilt? Ask yourself that question every single day. How would that version of me, the secure version of me act right now? And then go and act like that version of you, even before you feel like you are that version. Because the feeling follows the action, not the other way around. For you to see a change in the reflection in the mirror, you have to change how you look first. And here is where it gets really important. So many of us developed our identity inside of painful experiences. Maybe you grew up where love was conditional, where you had to earn affection, where you had to be quiet enough, small enough, good enough to keep the peace. And what happens is your nervous system learned that love comes with condition. So you took that identity in your adult relationships. And without realizing it, you started attracting people into your life that confirmed that belief. Because at 95 % subconscious, your brain was filtering your entire reality for evidence of what it already believed. You do not see the world as it is, you see it as you are. So if you believe deep down that you are not enough, no matter what your person does, you are still going to make that mean that it's because you are not enough. You will manage to twist and turn anything into feeling that you are not enough. I remember one time I was in a relationship and my partner got me donuts and he got me jam donuts instead of being happy and saying that it's really nice that he thought of me and he got me donuts. I grabbed that story inside my head and I made it mean that I am not enough because he didn't get me chocolate donuts, because he doesn't listen to when I speak, because he's not aware of what I really like and that my friends have partners who know that they like chocolate donuts and not jam donuts or vice versa. And a beautiful moment where someone got me something turned into a moment of me being ungrateful. And if you're ungrateful, the other person is never going to get you donuts ever again. And then what happens is this person no longer shows up in that way in your life and you will start feeling even more so that you are not enough. You might also attract people who will make you feel like you are not enough. Not because you are unlucky, but because your subconscious is matching your reality to your identity. This is why identity recalibration is not just about feeling better, it's about breaking the cycle fully. Because when you change who you believe that you are, you change what you will and will not accept. You change who you attract, you literally change everything. And think of little you for a moment, maybe 5 year old you, 8 year old you. 10 year old you, what did little you experience? What did little you decide about yourself based on what the adults around you did or didn't do? Maybe you always wanted to play with your mom but you never had time. Maybe you always wanted to hang out with your dad but he was always tired from work. Maybe you had siblings which were way older than you and you felt very disconnected. Maybe you had siblings which were way younger than you or they needed some... extra help than you did and so you felt left out. What happened whilst you were growing up? It doesn't need to be a big trauma but you need to understand what happened whilst you were growing up even if you're coming from what we tend to call a perfect dynamic, a perfect family. Because the identity you're carrying as an adult is the story that little you wrote to make sense of the pain. Maybe your mom and dad separated and little you made that mean I am not worthy enough for someone to stay because one of the parents had to leave the house. Maybe love was inconsistent and little you decided, I have to earn this, I have to be perfect to be loved. And can you blame 5 year old, 8 year old, 10 year old you for coming to these conclusions? Of course not, little you was doing the best they could. But you are not 5 anymore and it's time to go back and tell your inner child a different story. That it was not your fault, that you are always enough, that you are lovable, that there's nothing wrong with you. I am here now, you are safe. I will never abandon you. I am going to do everything in my might to take care of your needs and wants. No matter who leaves, I am never leaving your side. Because healing your inner child changes everything. I promise you. When little you finally feel safe, adult you stops looking for safety in people that cannot provide it. And trust me, since I remember I used to be always so anxious, fearful. I waited for my dad to come and save me when I was a little kid. And then as I grew older, I waited for Prince Charming, literally the guy who would save me. And my mom died believing that Prince Charming will come and save her. And unfortunately, that is why she ended up where she ended, because she kept on believing that someone was coming to save her and nobody can save us. Only we can save ourselves. And the way to save yourself is through inner child healing. I had been going to therapy and doing all the healing methods under the sun since the age of seven and I still felt severely depressed until I reparented my inner child. And it's not because I'm special or it's because I had little trauma, it's because it does work. And the final two steps of the framework, step five. Stop identifying with what you don't want. Every time you say, am a people pleaser, I am a people pleaser, I picked the wrong person, I am a mess, I am a chocolate addict, I am a smoker. You are cementing that identity into your subconscious brain. Your brain writes it down and says, noted. Stop giving these stories a home inside of you. You are not your patterns. You are someone who is working through them. There is a huge difference between I am broken and I am healing. One is a cage and the other is direction. step six, audit your life every single day. And when I say audit your life every single day, I'm not telling you spend an hour writing and journaling and do this and do that and follow all these to-do lists. No. Just before you sleep, mentally look at your day. Where did you show up as the old you? And where did you show up as the new version of you? No judgment, just scanning. Because what you bring into your conscious awareness can change. But what stays in the dark? stays in control. That is your identity recalibration framework. Six steps to who you really are. Shifting the beliefs, noticing under directing, acting as the new version of you, no more identifying with what you don't want and auditing every single day. This breakdown that you're going through, if you use it properly, it can be your breakthrough. I promise you. You are not feeling all this sadness, pain for nothing. This is your rock bottom. and there's no other bottom that you can hit. So the only way is up. So use this time to invest in yourself properly, not just by going on hikes, not just by going on solo lunch dates, but literally doing the work. If you want to go deeper on any of this, please reach out to me on my Instagram at evolvingwithNicole. I am very happy to go through this with you and to hold your hand whilst you're going on this journey that will change. and shift your life completely. Thank you so much for being here. I see you, I see your pain and I also see your strength. I wish you a very happy weekend. Everything is going to be okay. And as I said, and if you need any help, please feel free to reach out to me. Happy weekend and I will see you again next week.