Nicole: Today's Heal Out Loud episode is about what not to do when they pull away. If you want to keep your dignity, your power, your peace and maybe, hopefully, if they're the right person for you, them. If they are pulling away, do not make these 10 mistakes. And the first one, and I think it's one of the most important ones, is do not make this mean something negative about you. Do not take this person in because it's not. Each and every human being has their own wounds, has their own programming, has their own internal world. And each and every one of us operates from our own internal world. So the reason that this person pulled away is not because there is something wrong with you. It's not because you are not enough. It's not because you said something wrong or maybe if you did this, this or that, things would have been better. The reason that this person pulled away is because of their own internal world. Maybe they were feeling very attached and they're afraid of this attachment. Maybe they're feeling not ready to be in something that requires a lot of energy, time, effort and commitment. But it doesn't mean that it's because you're not enough. It means because they do not have the emotional capacity to handle this. So it's very, very important that every single time that you get lost in thoughts, where you start thinking that maybe if I did this or maybe if I wouldn't have done this or maybe if I said this or maybe if I do this or that, breathe and relax and say, listen, this is not about me. And the more you believe that this is about you, the more that you believe that it's because there's something wrong with you because you're not enough, the more of this negative energy you're sending out. into the energetic field, the universe which arrives to this person and the more they will pull away because they will not even know why they're pulling away but it's just that they can feel this energy, they can't really name it, they can't really call out what's happening, it's just that they feel, I'm not sure, I just don't feel like speaking to this person. So the more negative thoughts you have about yourself, the more negativity you're going to receive. So it's very important that every time these thoughts come up, you try and control them. You remind yourself that not all your thoughts are true and you become the observer of your thoughts instead of entertaining them. It is okay to feel the feelings of sadness, the feeling of anxiety, of despair to all that's happening, but it's very important that you stop writing these stories in your head because these stories are harming you more than helping you. Another thing to help you with not taking this person and not making this mean something negative about you is to remember that there's a higher power. Maybe you call this higher power the universe, maybe you call it God. Whatever you call this higher source, this higher power, I need you to remember to trust in God's plan. If this person is meant for you, they're going to be for you. If this person is not meant for you, no matter what you do, they're not. going to be the person for you. And trusting in a higher power and knowing that there's someone that's taking care of you and leading you can give you some comfort and you can relax a little bit. However, for the universe to work in your favor, you need to control your thoughts, you need to control your emotions. And once you control your thoughts, your emotions are also going to be controlled. However, it's fine to completely sit with the feeling. allow the feeling of sadness, accept it, like accept that yes this is my current reality right now and it sucks and I don't like it and I don't want it but this is the current reality that I have. The quicker you accept the truth of what's happening in this moment the easier this period will become for you. The second mistake that I really would love for you to not do is to not increase the messages to not increase the phone calls. If a person is pulling away, if a person is not answering your messages on WhatsApp, for example, it definitely doesn't mean that they want to answer your messages on Instagram or any other platform. If a person is not answering your texts, it doesn't mean that they want to see you in person. If a person is pulling away, they're pulling away for an internal reason, their own internal reason. but it doesn't mean that they're telling you, listen, step up and disturb my peace even more. This person pulled away because something has been triggered inside them in their own internal programming. And if they're pulling away, most probably it's because they're afraid of commitment, they're afraid of intimacy, because for them love meant pain growing up, because for them love meant that they're not safe anymore because for them maybe love meant that they're going to be suffocated. So it is very important that when someone is not answering your texts that you don't double up on these texts, that you do not constantly call their phone 24-7 because if you're going to do this, you're going to push them further away. Because the reason they pulled away most probably is because there's the fear that I just mentioned. So If you're going to call more, message more, show up in front of their house, in front of their work or whatever, it's going to push them further away because they're going to be like, you see, I was right, love is suffocating, love is unsafe for me. So it's very important, although I know that it might be hard, that when someone is pulling away, it doesn't mean that you should push more, that you should show up more, that you should shower them with gifts and send them. long texts and long paragraphs of how much you love them and how much you know that you can change and that you will not do this next time because it's not about you. And when someone is pulling away, what they're asking for is space. So it is very important that you give the space to them and to yourself. And I'm not saying that them pulling away without a reason or without letting you know that they're going to pull away is a right thing. But at the same time, I'm here to help you. And if someone pulls away, it is very important that you do not push furthermore. The third mistake that I do not want you to do is do not spend your days talking to your friends, to your family, to all your co-workers about this. Choose a friend or a family member or someone that you feel really comfortable with. Share your feelings. Let them know what you're going through. but at the same time do not speak to every single person about this current problem. Because the more you speak about it, the more you are creating of it. It is very important to understand that where focus goes, energy flows. So if I am focusing, for example, I can't lose weight, I can't lose weight, I can't lose weight, my body is going to create more weight. I'm going to eat even more. I'm going to feel even... more disheartened to go for a walk or go for a jog or train because what I am focusing on is I can't lose weight, I can't lose weight. So it's very important to understand that the more you focus on something, the more you're going to create of it. The universe doesn't understand negatives and positives. So if you're focusing on this distance, on this sadness, on this anxiety that has been created through the situation, universe is going to think that You're enjoying this period because you're giving it so much energy so it will give you more of that. It will give you more of this distance, this sadness, this anxiety. So it's very important that instead of focusing on what you do not want, you focus on what you want. Maybe you want to be close to this person, you want to feel connected, you want to safe, you want to feel happiness, you want to feel at peace. So focus on the things that you do want. And ask yourself, how would I feel if I had this thing right now? How would I act right now if I was on good terms with this person? How would my day look like? And most probably if you were on good terms with this person, your day would look like you'd wake up in a happy mood, you prepare for the day, you eat your breakfast, you go to work, you enjoy your time, you do your after work activities, you prepare something for dinner. and you just enjoy your day. Maybe you're reading a book, maybe you're going for a walk, you're training, whatever you do on a good day. Whereas on the other hand, if you're going through a rough patch with this person, your day most probably would look something like waking up, grabbing your phone, or you're feeling anxious. Maybe you didn't even have a good night's sleep. You check your phone to see what the day message, they didn't message. Then you go on Instagram to check if they were online and then you check messenger and then you check WhatsApp to see when they're... they were lost, active. You check their followers, you check this, this and that and you're sad because you haven't received the text from them. Then you do not feel like waking up. You don't feel like going to work. You don't feel like eating. You feel very nauseous. You feel very sad, tired, exhausted. And all you do throughout the day is constantly look at your phone to see whether this person has messaged you and you don't go. training, you don't plan to meet with friends or if you do plan to meet with friends all you're talking about is this thing, what have I done, what can I do, maybe if I do this or that, no. Act as if you already have what you want. Sit with the feelings, this is not about toxic positivity, sit with the feelings, regulate yourself, let yourself know that you can hold yourself in these emotions, let yourself know that you've got yourself and that you're capable of going through this. whatever the outcome and continue living from the end state of if I had communication with this person, how would I show up? If I was on good terms with this person, if I felt connected to this person, if I felt in love with this person, how would I show up throughout my day and show up exactly like that? Because that's how the universe, the higher power of God responds to your wishes. Not through praying, not through hoping, not through begging, but through believing and knowing that you are protected, that you are divinely protected, that you are going to get what you want. The fourth mistake that I see a lot of my clients do and I used to do this as well is waiting for a text from this person. Stop looking at your phone, stop waiting, stop hoping. For someone to message you or for someone to call you, it's such an easy thing. All they need to do is grab their phone, they're going to message, they're going to call, whatever. And it happened in the past. They've called you a million times. They've messaged you a million times. So this action is not like you're trying to find a billion dollars on the floor. This action is literally something so easy for someone to do. So stop putting this thing on a pedestal. When you put this thing on a pedestal, this thing is looking down on you. So it's very important that you stop waiting, hoping, and maybe you're asking like, how? But how? Because it's not something that I... actually doing, this is something that's happening to me. do so by reminding yourself that you can hold yourself in these emotions. And I'm not going to tell you to remind yourself that you are okay before this person, so you're going to be okay without this person, because I remember that advice really didn't help me. But to think of little you and to let her know, listen, I am here. I'm with you. I know that you want love from outside of you right now, but I'm here to give it to you. What can I do? How can I help you? And if you can't, you feel like you don't know how or you can't connect to your inner child, send me a message on my Instagram, EvolvingwithNicole, and I will send you an inner child meditation that is really going to help you during the stuff period that you're going through. What I also suggest so you do not make mistake number four is to mute. their chats, mute their notifications because what's going to happen is every time a friend sends you a reel or a friend messages you, whereas in the past you'd feel happy because you have a text from your friend or you have a funny reel from your friend, now you're going to get all these high hopes, ⁓ my god I think he messaged and as soon as you see that it's your friend or it's an update on your phone or something you're going to be really disappointed and you're going to experience these really high highs and really low lows which really dysregulates your nervous system. So I highly suggest that you mute their chat, you mute their notifications, whatever you need to do so you know that whenever you're getting a notification in your phone, it is not going to be from them. And you might be saying, but what if they call me or what if they message and I don't see it immediately? Good, that's fine. Because you do not need to reply immediately. You do not need to reply in the here and in the now. because you need to reply from a regulated state and if you're going to answer the call or answer the message immediately, you're going to be in a very dysregulated state and you will not speak from a grounded place, you will speak from an anxious place, from an ⁓ my god, finally I'm saved and they're going to feel that energy, they're going to notice that they are responsible for your happiness and that's going to stress them out even more and they're going to pull away again. Number five, and this is gold, do not check their last seen, their last active status. Do not check these statuses. Because this person, just because they're not talking to you doesn't mean that they're not alive anymore. This person might be watching reels on Instagram. This person might be on Marketplace looking for something. This person might be speaking to friends. This person might be speaking to colleagues. This person might be doing something on their phone and they're online. But what you're going to make that mean is you're going to take that as rejection. You're going to make that mean, see, it's me because they're online and they're speaking to friends and they're doing this and doing that, but they don't want to speak to me. Just because someone is online, it doesn't mean that they're speaking to other people. And even if they are, they don't have the same attachment with these other people. Friends and family do not make them feel responsible for their happiness. There is not the same commitment. So. Just because they're replying to their friends, family, co-workers or whatever, it doesn't mean that it's because there is something wrong with you. It just means that there is more confusion in this attachment. And yes, I know that you're worried that they might be talking to someone else and maybe that's why they pulled away. And in reality, if that is the case, what can you do about it? Can you grab this person by their hair and tell them, no, you have to stay with me? Hopefully not, because it's really sad and it's really disappointing if this happens and my heart goes out to you if this is the case, but you don't know whether this is the case or not. And you're not going to know by texting them 24-7 as soon as you see them online. This is the truth that they pulled away because they're talking to someone else. At one point or another, you're going to figure this out. You're going to... No, because they're going to tell you. And yes, that would be devastating, but then that just shows you that they're not the one for you because you deserve someone who chooses you fully. You deserve someone who knows your worth. You deserve someone who sees your beauty, your intellect, your amazing character, your amazing smile. And I know it would be really, really sad, but it would just show you that this person is leaving to make space. for what is truly aligned with you. Sometimes we try to hold on, to hang on tight to something that is not good for you. Whereas in reality, in order to get the best in your life, you have to let go of the good. In order to allow the new to come into your life, you have to let go of the old. And I'm not saying that they're definitely talking to someone else. Most probably if they pull their weight, it's not because they're talking to someone else. Most probably they're very confused, they're very... ⁓ They're going into shut down, they're going into freeze mode and they definitely do not have the energy to speak to someone else. But it's very important to not make this mean something that it's not. And yes, I know that you're saying, ⁓ yes, but what if I'm here, I'm the one that's waiting for them crying and looking like a fool and they're talking to someone else. First of all, I remind you again that it doesn't mean because they pulled away, it's because they're talking to someone else. Because most probably they are in shut down mode and they don't have the energy to speak to anyone else. And really and truly, even if you know what's really happening right now, you're still going to cry, you're still going to feel disappointed if this is the end. And by begging them and checking their last active status and constantly messaging them, you are still going to eventually look back on this period and think that, ⁓ my God, I was such a fool. for begging this person and for acting this way for this person. Checking their lost scene status is not going to help you to feel better about yourself. Checking their lost scene status is going to reactivate and strengthen the story that you believed in the beginning, that it's because of you there's something wrong with you, you are not enough, you're not good enough, not beautiful enough, not funny enough. Whereas it's nothing about this, you are not the problem. And yes, of course, I know also that right now you're saying, but you have no idea what I did. I was too much, too needy. And yes, that is something that eventually you need to work on because if they're pulling away, most probably they have their avoidant insecure attachment style, which means that you have an anxious insecure attachment style. And when there's the anxious insecure attachment style, you become very needy. You put your happiness as the other person's responsibility. And that is a lot of work. So I know that you've done things that might have pushed this person away. Yes, but you cannot shame and blame yourself. You need to be kind and compassionate. You need to remind yourself and say, listen, I'm aware that maybe I have an anxious attachment style that I need to work on. And there's lots of episodes on my Heal Out Loud podcast talking about anxious attachment and how to heal this, how to understand where this is coming from. So go and binge watch those episodes. but at the same time, it's good to have the awareness, but then stop shaming and blaming yourself. Know that yes, I need to work on this issue that I am carrying, but at the same time, I can't keep on blaming and shaming myself because I'm going to spiral even more. I'm going to feel more unworthy. I'm going to feel more that I'm not good enough. I'm going to continue shaming and blaming myself. You need to be kind and compassionate because the way you acted when you are needy, was not coming from adult you, it was coming from your wounded inner child. And if you think of five year old you, do you blame her for wanting love and wanting connection and wanting to be seen, held and loved? Definitely not. So yes, it's very important to have the awareness, it's very important that we use this awareness to work on yourself, and then it's very important that you stop shaming and blaming yourself and to be kind and compassionate towards yourself. So stop. watching their last scene status because that is going to strengthen to reactivate the story that you're not good enough and that is not why this person pulled away. And if you're following steps two and three and four, you're already going to be trying something new. So of course, if let's say you're 30 years old, your brain has operated in a certain way for all these 30 years. So if You're trying to operate from a new way, you're trying to stay more grounded, to feel your feelings, to not write the stories in your head. If you're going to collect proof from the outer world that is going to work against you, you're not going to manage to stick to your new ways. You are not going to manage to control your brain into believing, listen, not all my thoughts are true. So it is very important that you do not stalk them online. The sixth mistake that I really do not want you to do. is to not act from a dysregulated state. If you're feeling dysregulated, angry, anxious, sad, lost, like you're gonna go crazy, calm down, breathe yourself, go for a walk, remove your phone, give it to someone in the house or lock it in your cupboard, just do something, some shaking, something, just get out of the house or some jumping or wash your face with cold water. breathe through it, let yourself know I'm here, it's okay, I'm with you. Because when you act from a dysregulated state, most probably you're going to say a lot of things that you wouldn't say if you're regulated. You're going to send a lot of messages with words that you wouldn't use if you're regulated. You're going to bombard their phone with your call. And what's going to happen is when you calm down, you're going to notice what you've done and you're going to be like, ⁓ my God, this is my fault again. I pushed them away. even more now because I acted like a kid and when you're acting like a kid that is your first clear sign that what's happening right now is coming from your wounded inner child and not from adult you. So if it's coming from your wounded inner child what you need to do is you need to attend to your inner child and if you don't know how to do this and if you can't think of your inner child and hold her and love her as I said DM me on Instagram, evolvingwithricole and I'll send you an inner child healing meditation which is going to help you. So try to not act from a dysregulated place because otherwise you're going to feel way, way, way worse and you're going to blame yourself even more and ask yourself if this person had to show my messages, my missed calls, my actions right now to people, to my colleagues, to my family, to my friends, would I feel okay with what I am saying on these texts? Would I feel okay with calling them nonstop or would I feel shy or would I feel intimidated by this? If someone was doing this to me, let's say you are the one that pulled away from someone because you're feeling confused, tired, exhausted. You're not sure whether you're ready for this or not. Imagine they're calling you 24 7. Imagine they're texting you, threatening you or maybe threatening you that they're going to do something to themselves. Like how would you feel? It would be push you further away from this person because you're going to be like, my God, this person is too dysregulated. I can't handle this. need to, I need to disappear from their life. And you're going to ask yourself, how did I end up in this situation? What have I done so wrong to be in this situation? ⁓ my God, how am I going to even get out of this situation? So try and remind yourself these things when you are in a calm, regulated state. So when you're dysregulated, these thoughts come back into your mind because when you're dysregulated, it will be very hard to control yourself. It will be very hard to talk to yourself in this manner. So it's very important that when you feel dysregulated, remove your phone, go do some jumping, go do some shaking. These are somatics which are going to release energy from the body. Put some cold water on your face, make a tea, just go out for a walk, something just as long as you do not reach out to the person. And remember, pausing. is always the best decision. The seventh mistake, do not cancel your plans. Actually go and live your life. I know that you don't feel like, I know that you feel very nauseous, I know that you feel like you're going to vomit at any second, but regulate yourself with the inner child healing meditation that I have available for you. Regulate yourself with breathing and with controlling your thoughts and letting your thoughts know that they're not all true and becoming the observer of these thoughts like you're putting. these thoughts on a cloud and watching them drift away slowly. But it is very important to try and go continue living your life because when you choose you, everything else chooses you. Trust me, been there, done that and this is the way forward. When you choose you, everything else chooses you. If you're going to abandon yourself, you're sending out a direct message to the universe that it's okay, I can be abandoned. and other people are going to abandon you too. So pull your socks up, regulate yourself, regulate your nervous system, do the inner child healing meditation. If you feel that you're acting like a kid all the time, it's very important that you look into inner child healing and rewiring the subconscious brain, regulating your nervous system so you can go and continue living your life. Once you are choosing you, everything else is going to choose you. And it's very good that you're listening to this podcast, but just by listening to this podcast, nothing is going to change internally. Having the awareness is very good. That's step one. However, you need to use all that you're learning on this podcast and maybe from other sources too. You have to practice what you're learning because if for example, you go on YouTube and you're constantly watching how to do glute bridges and hip thrusts and RDLs. It doesn't mean that your booty is going to grow. In order for your booty to grow, you have to go to the gym and actually perform the exercises and have a healthy diet. And that's what you need here. You need to have a healthy mental diet. You need to try these exercises because otherwise what's going to happen is you're going to feel worse because now you know what you have to do and you feel like you can't do it. And if that is the case, then that is the time for you to dive into inner child healing. Because inner child healing is what saved me from not doing this anymore. After my long-term relationship had ended, I acted in this way. And the only way I could stop acting this way was through inner child healing. Because the more love I gave to little Nikki, the more I reparented little Nikki, the more I held her, the less love she needed from outside of her. And I'm not saying that love is not beautiful. Love is the most beautiful thing that we have on this planet. However, I now know how to love myself, how to give myself what I need. So I no longer go begging for it from the wrong person or from outside of me. I give it to myself. So now I'm in a position to choose better, to not tolerate things that are not good for me, to not accept things that I don't want to accept in my life. So if you feel stuck right now, inner child healing. is the fastest and most effective way to rewire your subconscious brain to heal these wounds, to live a better life and attract a healthier relationship. Number 8, do not post thirst traps for his attention. You are better than that. We are all energy. Our bodies have cells and each and every cell has a mitochondria. The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell which means it is the energy store. And we are all energies and energies can be felt. How many times have you walked into a room, you've seen someone and you have no idea who this person is and you're like, she's really nice, I want to sit next to her. Or as you go inside the room, this person hasn't even spoken or haven't even done anything yet. And you're like, I don't really like. How many times have you taught about someone and all of a sudden you see them? This is because we are all one. So we have God. Let's say this is God. Right? This is God and God has all these strings, God, higher power, universe, whatever you'd like to call it, and God has all these strings going down. And each and every string goes into one of us, into all the humans that there are on this planet. And not just humans, humans, animals, any living thing that there is on this planet. So God has these strings going down. And all these strings together, they make God. So we are all one. That's what Catholics mean when they say, we're all brothers and sisters. We are literally, from a scientific point of view, we are all connected. We are all one. So how many times have you talked about someone in a negative form maybe, and then you see them outside and they're a bit funny with you. It's because of telepathy. They were receiving your messages. Or how many times have you taught something beautiful about someone and all of a sudden they call you and you're like, oh my God, I was just thinking about you. We are all one and energy can be felt. So if you're posting a thirst trap or if you're just posting a photo, but the intention behind it is for him to see you or to remind him that you exist, you do not need to remind him that you exist. He knows you exist. You are on his mind 24 seven, cause he is so confused. So you do not need. to post thirst traps or to post for his attention. You can still post, but make sure that you ask yourself, like, what is the intention behind this? Is it because I want him to see that I'm doing fine without him? Whereas in reality, whilst you're posting it, you're crying. Do not try to get attention from outside of you because if you're trying to get attention from him or maybe from other men, you are sending out the energetic message that you're abandoning yourself and you are sending out the energetic message to him that you really need someone to make you happy, he really is responsible for you. And when you act from this immature space, this can be felt. So remind yourself that you are better than that. You are beautiful, you are loving, you are kind, you are amazing, you are unique. You're such a sweet soul. You don't need to post any photos. You do not need to cry for attention because you're going to get it. Once you start giving that attention to yourself, other people will start showing up the same way with you. And this can be with this person that pulled away, friends, family, co-workers, opportunity, manifestations, but just you need to choose you first. Number 9, stop looking at his followers list. You're going to harm yourself. So, so much of you do this. It doesn't really matter who he's following. Maybe his following numbers increased because he followed, I don't know, a footballer, bad bunny, a car, something, I don't know. But you do not need to go and watch his followers list. First of all, it's very, it's negative energy. You're focusing on him. You're not focusing on you. Instead of going on his followers list and maybe finding a girl who was already there before, but you think that she's new and then you're following her and then you go on her aunt and on her sister and on her brother. and I don't know where you do not end up. You're wasting a lot of time and energy. And that time and energy you could have maybe had a bath, you could have gone for a walk and finished your 10k steps for the day. You could have prepared a really nice meal for yourself. You could have, I don't know, sorted out your photos on your phone. You could have sorted out your emails on your laptop. So please do not stay missing around. with his following list because it's really really really going to harm you. And as I said earlier in this podcast in this episode, if he is the person for you, nothing and no one is going to take that away from you. And if he's not the person for you, nothing you'll do will make him the person for you. So trust that there is a higher power protecting you. But in order for this higher power to protect you, you need to protect your thoughts, you need to protect your emotions. So don't do things that are going to harm you even more. And the last thing, and this is not what I don't want you to do, I will close off with what I want you to do. Every time your brain starts taking over, every time these stories like they're consuming you, it's like, ⁓ my God, Brain, whose side are you on? I'm trying to feel better and you keep on giving me these things. Let your brain know, thank you Brain for trying to keep me safe. However, This is not how I want to operate anymore. This is not true. Not all my thoughts are true. Thank you Brain for trying to keep me safe. I see that you're trying to prepare me for the worst because when we did that in the past, when we were kids, that helped me survive, that helped me put a guard in front of me so I don't hurt, but I am not that human anymore. I now know that my thoughts create my reality. So thank you Brain. I'm going to... shift this into a better thought because I deserve the very best and I'm no longer going to allow my subconscious brain to run the show. I am going to take control of it. And once again, the fastest and most effective way to calm your anxious attachment, to calm your insecurities, to heal your abandonment wounds is through inner child healing because through inner child healing You rewire your subconscious brain, the 95 % subconscious brain where all these thoughts and programming are stored. And that's when you can start leading a better life. And if you're ready to go on this journey, hit me up on Instagram and I'll guide you and show you the way because I've been where you are. And I know how sad, how exhausting it is. Truly exhausting. think it's like the most. painful period one can go through in life. So contact me on Instagram. I'm very happy to help you. I've studied inner child healing in depth. I've done my own inner child healing journey and I am now leading a community of people who want to heal from their own traumas to lead a better life, who want to heal from their own abandonment wounds, who want to hear from their own destructive patterns to lead a better life and to finally feel loved at peace and whole with or without a partner. So thank you once again for being here. really hope and pray for you that this period will pass for you as soon as possible. I pray that you have the energy to follow these 10 steps that I shared with you today and remember that you are divinely protected and once you choose yourself, everything else will choose you in life.