Nicole: Hello and welcome back to another episode on Heal Out Loud. I'm so happy to be back. Last week was insane. I was doing some renovations. I'm very happy to be back in my space. And this week's episode is all about how to survive a breakup. So I've been getting a lot of messages from people who unfortunately are going through a break or a breakup and I felt drawn to create this episode. for the ones who are not going through a breakup right now, you're very lucky I guess. And yes, there's more episodes that you can listen to, but this episode might not be the one for you. However, what I am going to share on this episode is still very valid, even if you're not going through a breakup, because the things that I'm going to share are very important to help you navigate relationships. from a more secure space. for the ones who are going through a breakup, I see you, you're not alone. I know how painful this period is for you, especially since there's lots of stories going on inside your head. Most probably there are stories where you're realizing I could have done that or I should have acted that way or I shouldn't have done that and if I didn't do any of these things maybe we would still be together. Other thoughts where you're feeling like you're gonna die from the pain that you're feeling. You have no absolutely no idea how you're going to navigate life going forward like you've had the same friends most probably, you got used to the routine that you shared together, you feel completely lost. It's like your clothes have been stripped off completely off of you. and you feel completely naked in front of a lot of people that you don't know. So there's a lot of shame, embarrassment, fusion, sadness, anger as well. I'm pretty sure you're feeling a lot of anger towards yourself, towards your partner, towards other people who may have affected your relationship as well. So I really know what you're going through right now. And I have... amazing tips for you that are going to help you navigate this breakup in a much calmer and much more loving way. Of course a breakup is a breakup. It triggers the same chemicals in the brain that are triggered when someone is trying to stop taking drugs. Heartbreak is known as heartbreak because it literally feels like your heart is breaking. There's literal physical pain. So you're not going crazy for feeling all of this. You're not weak for feeling all of this. You're not a baby for feeling all of this. You're just a human that you've already had certain and meant wounds, insecurities, doubts about yourself, limiting beliefs. And this breakup has brought everything up to the surface. But this breakup, this breakdown can be your breakthrough if you use it properly. You can. take this break up and you can start pointing fingers and you can start thinking and trying to make yourself believe that they were never into me, it's because they have someone else, it's because their friends have confused them, it's because someone got in the way. You can create all those stories but if you're going to focus on those stories, you're not going to heal your own pattern. And what will happen if you do not heal your own pattern is that most probably you will experience the same heartbreak. again with a different face but same situation. If you've been following my story, you all know that my breakup was my breakthrough around, I think, some years ago. Seven, eight, I'm not sure. I had a very, very difficult breakup. It was very hard. I didn't know how I was going to feel better. I couldn't eat, I couldn't get out of bed, I didn't feel like going to work, I couldn't go out with my friends. The time I tried to make an effort and go out, I'd feel even worse afterwards. All I wanted was the person to be next to me. I couldn't stop blaming myself for the things and then I couldn't stop feeling anger towards the person. And it was a very, very difficult period in my life. It was so difficult because it was touching on a wound that I already had coming from my childhood. Then I was dating a new person and I realized that the same patterns were happening that happened in my relationship. And that was the moment where I realized that I was the common denominator in all of this. At first, of course, I was thinking, I'm so unlucky in love, why always me? What's wrong with me? You see, everybody believes nobody loves me. You know, all these negative stories that my brain was telling me. But then all of a sudden something clicked and I realized that I was the common denominator in all of this. And if I was the common denominator in all of this, I needed to look in words. That's when I started looking in words and that's when I realized that I had... self-sabotaging patterns where I was pushing people away, I would be act snappy and cold and then I'd feel sadness when the person doesn't chase me or else I wouldn't trust the person or I'd be controlling wanting to know what the person is doing disguised as I'm just interested in your day but deep down it wasn't that. So anyways that is literally how I realized that I had certain programming that our brain is divided into two parts, 5 % conscious, what you're using right now to listen to this podcast, and 95 % subconscious. And in that 95 % subconscious brain, beliefs that you've gathered from your childhood are being inputted in that subconscious brain. So I want you to imagine yourself like a blank computer. And as you're growing up, you start inputting beliefs. about yourself in this computer so that becomes your programming, that is the programming of that computer. So your subconscious brain has been created in childhood and your subconscious brain has beliefs stored in there like there's something wrong with me, I am not good enough, people always leave, people always engulf me, I hate being around people because they try to control me, love is not safe, love is painful, no one is to be trusted. all these beliefs and way way more. So beliefs about you, beliefs about others, beliefs about life in general and beliefs about the world and also beliefs about God. Like for example, I had such a bad relationship with men because of the situation I had with my dad and also because I was in a lot of pain seeing that my mom was dependent on drugs and I was always separated from her and I didn't have a father. ⁓ And that made me hate God basically. You also have these beliefs, not just about you, others and the world, but also about God. maybe you can find yourself in moments of sadness saying, why always me? Why have you forgotten about me? It's not fair. Everyone has it much easier than I do. It's like these internal conversations with God. And that programming is carried into your adult life. So. What is happening is your brain, since it has that programming inside it, for example, people always leave, anything that's happening in your adult life, your brain is taking that as an alarm. So let's say, for example, you are in a relationship and your partner is in a meeting, a work meeting, and usually your partner does message you. But... He arrived late at work, he or she, and they arrived late at work and they had to jump straight into a meeting. This meeting took way longer than expected. And his or her boss tell them, listen, I sent you a link on WhatsApp. Can you please open it so we can see it on the PowerPoint? And your partner goes on WhatsApp. They open the link and they continue in the meeting. And all of a sudden you see that your partner was. active two minutes ago and he or she still hasn't replied to your message from four hours ago. And because you have this belief in your subconscious brain saying that people always leave, all of a sudden you're taking that and you're making it mean, you see, I was right, even he or she are going to leave. I knew that this was too good to be true. So what happens then is you start panicking, your energy starts becoming needy, anxious, you start feeling insecure. And we are all energy. Our bodies have cells inside them. These cells have a mitochondria. The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cells. We are all energy. And according to physics, energy cannot be created nor destroyed. So energy is always transferred. So the energy that you're feeling, the insecurity, the anger that you're feeling towards your partner, the sadness, anything, any of that energy that's going through you right now, is being transferred to your partner and all of a sudden that energy feels too heavy for your partner and he or she can start feeling this energy and they don't even know what's happening. All they know is that they're feeling like they want to pull away because our nervous systems, they want to find what is safe. The nervous system wants another nervous system that is energetically safe. So when there is this unsafety, other people are going to pull away. Apart from the energy that's being transferred, most probably you will also send a message after 30 minutes saying like, listen, you don't want to speak to me today, what have I done wrong? And maybe your partner is still in the meeting for another two hours because it's a really intense meeting and you lose it and you start calling your partner. You're like, why aren't you answering me? And all of a sudden your partner is presenting in front of all their colleagues and his or her phone can't stop ringing. So what's going to happen after the meeting is your partner is going to be furious for all that commotion that happened between you two. Your partner is going to call you and your partner is going to tell you, I'm really pissed off at you. Why have you done that? I was in a meeting. Your messages and calls kept on popping up on the PowerPoint. And all of a sudden there's this huge argument between you two and your partner is pulling away because of the energy that you transferred and also because your partner is upset at what just happened. And then your brain is like, you see, everybody leaves. But in reality, it's not because everybody leaves in reality. It's what am I doing? What is my role in this? It always takes two to tango and you need to become aware of your own patterns, your own limiting beliefs, your subconscious brain rewiring. Because if you have no idea how you're programmed, you do not have any idea of what's happening in your adult relationships. Apart from that, the brain loves to stay in the known. Even though the known is not safe, the brain loves to keep on basing assumptions on the beliefs that it already has. The brain doesn't like to get new beliefs inside it because that's not safe. When you try to give your brain new beliefs, like let's say you have a belief people always leave, let's stick to this one. And all of a sudden you want to say, it's not true, people stay. Your brain is going to be like, no, that's not true. We believed for 30 years that people always leave because that's what happened in your past relationships, because that's what happened when you shared your emotions with your dad, he... He left, he shut you down, he wasn't emotionally available. That's what happened with your mom when your sibling was born. Like she didn't actually leave, but she detached a little bit. So your brain is going to be like, no, we're not going to believe that people stay because if we're going to believe that, you're going to get hurt. So I'm going to help you believe that people always leave because that's what happened in the past and I will protect you like that. But your brain is no longer protecting you as an adult. As a kid. it did protect you, but as an adult it's sabotaging your happiness. And you might be wondering why as a kid it's protecting me and now as an adult it's sabotaging me. Because as a kid, your brain got used to the patterns of your mom, your dad, your caretakers, your aunts, your uncles, your grandma, your grandpa, your school teachers. It got used to that surrounding and your brain was like, okay, your mom might be in a bad mood after school. So you would be prepared that you might find mom in a bad mood after school. So as soon as you step into your house after school and you find your mom in a bad mood, you're like, okay, well, I knew that that was going to happen. And if you step in your house and you find your mom in a good mood, you're like, yay, happy me. It's a good day today. Let's enjoy it. So that is you as a kid. But as an adult, your romantic relationships are not being created with your mom. They're not being created with your dad. They're being created with new people and your brain keeps on. recreating the same relationship over and over again with your new partner, the same relationship that you've had with your mom, with your dad, from the same limiting beliefs that you have about yourself. So what can you do so that the brain stops doing that? If the subconscious brain was created in childhood, then the way to rewire the subconscious brain is to repair into your inner child. That's the first thing that I want you to understand while navigating this breakup, that You've co-created this relationship. You've co-created this breakup. This breakup didn't happen because you're unlucky. This breakup did not happen because there's something wrong with you. This breakup did not happen because you're unlovable. You're not worthy. No. This breakup happened because you have your own programming, your partner had his or her own programming, and together you've created this. Before you heal your inner child, what happens is that you enter a romantic relationship, you start expecting and putting a lot of pressure and lot of expectations on your partner to heal what your parents have damaged. And it's true that it was your parents who damaged this, but now as an adult, it's no use blaming them and shaming them for what you're going through right now because your parents did not do that on purpose. Your parents also had have their own wounds and they pass them on to you. That is what generational trauma is. But you can break the cycle. And if you are not going to heal your own wounds, the same is going to happen. You are going to transfer your wounds onto your own kids. Not because you don't love them, not because you're a nasty person, but because that's the way life works. Everyone operates from their own wounds. And if you want to stop operating from your own wounds and to stop creating the same relationship, then you need to heal the wound. If for example, ⁓ one of my legs is wounded and you tell me come on Nick let's go to a party. If I can't really walk on one of my legs, I'm not going to be able to come to the party with you. If you're going to ask me to go for a 5k jog, I'm not going to be able to come for a 5k jog with you because my leg is wounded. So I'm going to live according to my wound. So until I heal my leg, I cannot live. I cannot come for a jog with you, I cannot come to a party with you. first things first, instead of analyzing what your ex is doing, checking their followers, checking their stories, checking their likes, checking what they're up to, instead of taking all this energy and becoming like the FBI, you need to take all this energy back to you. and you need to use this period to start understanding your own subconscious brain, your own programming. Because if you get back with your ex, you need to change your ways, you need to change your patterns because the same ways and patterns that you had and your ex had created this breakup. So if your ex comes back, if you're going to have another relationship in the future, which Let's face it, right now you might be saying, I don't want to be in love again, I just want to survive this breakup, F everybody, I don't want to be with anyone, but you're human, you're human and we're all interdependent and it is one of our human needs to feel loved and give love and it is in our mammal instincts to want to recreate, to want to extend our bloodline. So, at one point or another, you're going to feel attracted to another man or another woman and if you're not going to rewire your patterns, if you're not going to heal the pattern, you're going to repeat the same patterns and you're going to go through the same heartbreak. And then you can say, you see, I'm very unlucky, it happened to me again, why me? And you can stay feeling like a victim, which by the way, you were a victim in the past, but nowadays you are no longer a victim. Nowadays you are responsible to heal. your wounds. After taking your time to understand your subconscious brain, to understand your programming, it is time to rewire your subconscious brain. And to rewire your subconscious brain, I suggest that you do inner child healing because that is the fastest and most effective way, as I already said, to rewire your subconscious brain. Secondly, to survive and navigate this breakup from a much calmer... perspective and trust me I am the queen of breakups now. What you need to do is to remind yourself that this is not personal. Before I healed my inner child every time I fell out with someone I had this story going on inside my head like internally. I remember it clearly. Something wrong with me, I am different, I am weird, I do not fit in, love was never meant for me. If I never had a mom and a dad why can't at least I be in love and happy healthy relationship. If my mom and dad didn't want me, who will? I had these stories going on constantly and I had a lot of arguments with God. Why me? Why have you forgotten about me? Other people have a mom and a dad and they also have a loving partner. I don't have a mom and a dad and I don't even have a loving partner. The partner I wanted, we broke up. The people I'm attracting in my life, I'm not enjoying my time with them. It was... exhausting. And I used to always make it mean that there is something wrong with me. So I used to take everything personally, a breakup, an argument, if for example my partner wanted some free time or maybe he was tired, like literally everything. I used to make it mean that there is something wrong with me, that I am not good enough, that the person is going to leave, you see it's happening. This is like imagine I come from Malta. and we have fireworks here and especially in summer because every village has their own saint and there's a feast and there's lots of fireworks and imagine someone from a country that experiences war often comes to Malta and they have no idea that there's fireworks in summer and of course the first thing that they're going to think is ⁓ my god what's happening because for them That noise reminds them of war back in their home country. But it doesn't mean that war is happening here. It's a firework. It's a celebration. It's a feast. So, so understand that you do not see the world as it is. You see it as you are. For example, you and a friend are meeting another friend and that other friend cancels on both of you. Your friend, who is secure in herself, is worried about that friend so she calls and asks her how she is, if she needs anything. those two friends connected even more. On the other hand, you have your own insecurities. You have a wounded inner child. So you're going to take that and you're going to make it mean that it's something personal. So you're not going to call your friend to ask her how she is or if she needs anything from you. Instead, you're going to be like, she always cancels on me. I'm pretty sure they met together instead of with me. That's why she canceled their... You start getting really paranoid and you start literally... doubting yourself, doubting your friends and that creates this connection between you and your other friend because your other friend cancelled because she's feeling very sick and didn't even ask her if she needs anything or how she's doing so of course she's going to connect with the other friend even more so when you take everything personal you are not allowing any room for connection right and the same happens in your romantic relationships so during this breakup I really suggest that you stop making this breakup mean something personal. Every time that your brain tries to protect you, or as it's sabotaging you and your brain is telling you, you see I told you you weren't good enough, why did you trust that person? I told you that everybody leaves. In that moment, just say, thank you brain for trying to keep me safe. However, this is not true. This is not true. And keep on saying this to yourself. And it really helped me. I had two coaches and both of my coaches taught me this and it really, really did help. It's something that quiets the brain. When you're taking things personal in life, it is your first cue, your first realization that this pain is not coming from adult you. This pain is coming from your inner child. And of course your inner child is you. So if you're going to try and talk yourself out of this, you're not going to manage. So what can you do? Instead, think of little you, six year old, seven year old you, or even you can ask yourself, when was it the first time that I felt this way? And maybe a memory comes up when you were seven years old and your mom had to go to work or she went abroad with your dad, or maybe your mom and dad separated and that was the first time you felt that way. And then that moment connect to. little you, the girl or the boy that you're seeing in this image and just let them know, listen, I'm here for you. You're not alone. I'm going to hold you. I'm never going to abandon you. I love you. You're not alone. And I promise you that you're going to have me for the rest of your life. You need to reassure. You need to provide safety to your inner child because when you're taking things personal, it is never adult you that's experiencing it. It is never the other person's problem. It is always coming from your inner child. And you might tell me, but yes, if someone cheated on me, of course I will take it personal. Of course I am sad and hundred percent. But I explained this to a client recently. Let's say I'm walking out on the streets and someone throws me an egg and I had just dyed my hair, got in a really nice blow wave and someone just throws an egg. I felt embarrassed, I felt angry, everyone saw me on the street getting smacked by an egg. But I choose how to move forward, how to proceed. I can go home, cry about it, tell all my friends or my family. I can keep on talking about this for a whole three days, telling my colleagues. I can write about it on social media. I can go on the street, look into every single shop and ask them for their cameras. to see why I got beaten by an egg. But in reality, that's going to make me feel really exhausted. In reality, that's going to make me feel more anger, more sadness, more pity. And it's going to lower my frequency. And it's like you're tuning into a radio station. If I go on a negative frequency, how can I expect to listen to positive music? So it's true it's not nice that I got hit by an egg. Definitely. However, it's my choice on what to do after that. So yes, definitely it's very painful if someone does something that's nasty towards you. However, you need to suit your inner child. Nobody is responsible for your feelings. You are the only person that's responsible for your feelings. And the more you suit yourself, the more you suit your inner child, funnily enough, the more support you're going to find from your relationship, your friendships, your partner. But If you have this expectation energy that you owe me this and you owe me that and you should do this, that repels people away. And yes, then you can stay saying, I'm so unlucky, this always happens to me, everybody leaves, but that's not the reality. You're also creating this relationship. So it's very important that you do not. make this breakup mean something personal about you and of course your brain is going to try to make this mean something personal. That is when you're going to say thank you brain for trying to keep me safe and also to connect to your inner child. And the third thing that really helps me survive a breakup is to take it day by day, to stay in the present moment. It's useless focusing so much on the future. Yes, of course there's going to be thoughts about the plans that you've had, maybe you are going to get married, maybe you are going to plan on having kids, maybe you are planning on traveling the world. Everyone has their own plans. So yes, it's understandable. Take your time to grief because it is a grieving period. Take your time. Feel the sadness that you need to feel. Do not entertain the stories in your head. When there are lots of stories going on, that's when you say, thank you, Breen, for trying to keep me safe, but I don't need these stories anymore. However, feel the sadness, sit with the sadness, sit with the anger because there's lots of anger too. Sit with whatever feeling is coming up. It's very important that you sit with these feelings and to remind yourself, it's okay, I can hold myself in these emotions. I am capable of holding myself. Connect to your inner child. Think of little you. Let them know how much you love them and that they're not alone and it's not their fault that they're going through all of this. It's not because they're not worthy or they're not lovable. Sit with your inner child. Then, take it day by day. Plan things for the day or the day after, things that you enjoy. Yes, I know you have to work and all of that, but plan something small that you enjoy and that could be, I don't know, watching the sunset or going for a walk or signing up for a class. And I know that right now you don't feel like doing all of this. I know you feel very nauseous. I know that you feel like your world has ended. And if you're feeling so bad right now, then I suggest that you contact me. We will definitely see whether you're ready for your inner child healing because it will definitely, definitely help you so, much for during this breakup period and also going forward in your life in every area. Your money, your relationships, your friendships, your health, your body, every single thing. So follow these three steps. If you need any additional help or if something is not clear, just contact me and I will be very happy to... go through this with you and if you're ready to use this break up, this breakdown as your breakthrough, then contact me for inner child healing and inner child re-parenting and I would be very, very glad to join you on this journey. ⁓ An amazing journey that has changed my life completely and it will change yours too, I promise you. It's not because I'm lucky, it's not because I am special, trust me. I never felt lucky in my life, it's just that inner child healing is the way forward. And don't worry, everything always happens for a reason. I know period is very painful for you, but trust that everything happens for a reason. And maybe this breakup happened so you can go through your own breakthrough. Many of my clients share that, like, of course in the beginning, they don't feel that they are grateful for the breakup because it was very painful. However, as Once they start progressing and seeing the huge change in their subconscious brain, in their life, the way they act, the way they're living, the way they're feeling about themselves and the world, that's when they always say, now I understand why I had to go through that because if I didn't, maybe I wouldn't have signed up for this. So know that you are divinely protected and you've got all that it takes to heal from this period.